Captain's Choice

by V. K. Powell

  Chief Ashton smiled at Bennett and addressed Kerstin. “And you’re confident these changes represent your final figures?”

  “Unless we encounter something entirely unexpected.”

  “Where is the construction process right now?” the chief asked.

  “Framing for the new walls is in place, and the builders start electrical and drywall this week. We should still finish on time.”

  “Excellent, because we absolutely can’t afford any more problems or delays.”

  “A two-thousand-dollar overage isn’t bad, Chief,” Armstrong said. “I’m sure you’ll find that in your discretionary budget.”

  “No doubt. So, we agree the project can move forward?” Chief Ashton looked around the table as the other committee members gave their consent. “Okay. Let’s get going. Thanks for your hard work, Ms. Anthony and Captain Carlyle. We’re adjourned.”

  Bennett spoke to the chief for a few minutes and looked around for Kerstin. Chip Armstrong had her pinned in a corner. Their eyes met for the first time today, and Kerstin pleaded for help. She walked over and offered her hand. “We should get going.”

  Kerstin accepted her gesture without hesitation, and Bennett felt they became the only two people in the room. Their hands slid together and fingers entwined as if they touched this way every day. Bennett’s pulse drummed in her ears, and her breath came in quick bursts. The slow burn of arousal always lingering below the surface for Kerstin flared. She wanted her. Now. As soon as they exited the chief’s complex and entered the lobby, Bennett released Kerstin’s hand, afraid of what she’d do if they remained connected a minute longer.

  “Thanks for backing me up in there and for the save,” Kerstin said.

  “We’re a team.” She couldn’t look at Kerstin without blurting her feelings. “Now I have to go.” If Kerstin wanted her to stay, Bennett wouldn’t be able to go. If she wanted her to leave, Bennett would be devastated. She made the only choice that would respect Kerstin’s boundaries and maintain her own dignity. She fast-walked toward the door.

  * * *

  Kerstin stared as Bennett retreated, shocked by how viscerally she’d responded to her touch and relieved she didn’t have to explain. But why was Bennett so eager to leave? Bennett Carlyle didn’t shy away from challenges. Kerstin was the runner. She ran from conflict, from commitment, and most of all from intimacy and the possibility of love. She’d spent five days in New York hiding and avoiding. A third visit to the bar had produced the same result as the first two. When she wasn’t thinking about how thoroughly Bennett satisfied her, she puzzled over the state of her life if her mother continued to improve and eventually moved to Florida. She’d barely eaten and slept little, until last night after she walked over two miles. The only productive thing she’d done was plan for this meeting. Now what?

  The future she’d designed so perfectly blurred in her mind, complicated by factors out of her control—her mother’s health, completion of the substation, Bennett, and now her own conflicted feelings. Kerstin pored over the potential of a relationship with Bennett like a spreadsheet she could analyze and reach a logical conclusion. She’d returned to Greensboro after her self-imposed exile only slightly less confused about her next step than when she left. She made her way to the parking deck, pleased with the outcome of the meeting and determined to concentrate on her job instead of things she couldn’t control.

  She drove by the Parks and Recreation building slowly to make sure Bennett’s car wasn’t there before parking in the substation lot. At least Bennett wouldn’t be around stirring up traitorous emotions while Kerstin steered the project back on track. As she walked through the building looking for Henry, she inspected the framing for the new walls, satisfied the spaces appeared roomy for the intended purposes.

  “Henry, are you here?” Several flashes of light from the canteen area guided her to where he stood with two other workers. “Good morning, everyone. The committee approved the new budget, so we’re good to go.”

  The two men with Henry looked at the floor but didn’t speak. Henry removed his hard hat and scratched his head. “Maybe not so good to go.”

  “What now?” The look on Henry’s face was like a vise squeezing the breath out of her, draining her of her purpose and future.

  “We removed these windows and found some wiring not up to spec.” He directed a large work light on the exposed studs and wiring. “See?”

  She leaned closer and examined the new wires running through the studs to an outlet box. “What? Looks fine to me.”

  “Not according to your draft specifications. Guidelines for the use of federal funds on construction projects require American products only. These wires are not only a lower gauge than you specified, but they’re also foreign made.”

  “Oh, God.” Kerstin placed a hand against the wall, her body suddenly hot and weak. She’d assured the committee of the project’s soundness and timeliness less than an hour ago. An image of the substation and her career flushing down a huge toilet with Made in China stamped on the side played through her mind. Had Gilbert Early known about the inferior wiring? Somebody had ordered the subpar items. Maybe she’d just quit too, but being like Gilbert Early in any respect was so distasteful she rejected the idea immediately.

  The three men were staring at her, obviously waiting for direction.

  “Does this affect the old wiring?” She needed confirmation.

  “If the current system is up to code, only the new subpar wiring is a problem. But if we uncover wiring that isn’t up to current code, the whole system has to be updated.”

  “Is the wiring all? I mean is everything else up to par?”

  “I honestly don’t know,” Henry said. “We just found this. We’ll have to stop work, go through your plans, and double-check every item already installed.”

  “How long will the check take?” Her nausea worsened and she needed fresh air.

  “A couple of days should be enough.” Henry didn’t need to remind her that a violation of federal building codes was a criminal offense. “We can’t work until we’ve cleared this up.”

  “And I wouldn’t ask you to, Henry. I couldn’t condone putting people’s lives at risk because of faulty wiring or violating federal regulations.” Her mind whirled with other necessary changes. “I’ll need new estimates on all the electrics, at least three. The new supplies will cost more. Could you suggest a few names since you’re local?”

  “I’ll get the estimates, if you want me to. It’ll keep me busy while the guys check the specs.”

  “I’d appreciate that. Thanks, Henry. If you need me, call.” She kept her voice steady. These men depended on her to know what she was doing and to keep her shit together.

  Her mind whirling, she forced herself to walk casually toward the front of the building. How would she tell Bennett and the committee about this latest setback? New electrical work meant more money. The financial situation could make or break the project, but using foreign-made products in a government contract could destroy the firm and her reputation. Who knew about the subpar products, and when? The list of consequences stacked up in her mind, a guillotine about to decapitate her dreams. She could be barred from federally funded projects, charged with filing false claims for payment, and possibly even embezzlement.

  She burst through the outside door and ran to the picnic table, clinging to the top to steady herself. Roaring in her head blocked all sound except the thunderous pounding of her pulse. Her emotions had been raw for days, and this discovery doused them with vinegar. She closed her eyes and fought rising panic, forcing herself to breathe evenly. Her pulse slowly returned to normal, and the roaring stopped. She opened her eyes and sat down at the table.

  She had faced professional challenges before, but not with her personal life in such turmoil. She needed stability and security, not chaos and emotional upheaval. “I can do this.” She attempted to reassure herself.

  “I’m sure of it.” Bennett’s husky voice was unmist
akable.

  Kerstin wiped her face, realizing for the first time she’d been crying. Giving herself a few extra seconds to regain her composure, she grabbed the seat on either side of her and squeezed. She finally looked up into Bennett’s eyes, and tears threatened again. “Go away.”

  Bennett knelt beside her on the grass. “What’s wrong, Kerst?”

  “Plea—se, leave…me alone.”

  “I…can’t.” Her voice cracked. “I can’t leave you upset. Let me help.”

  “Nothing you can do.”

  “I’m willing to die trying.”

  The sincerity of Bennett’s words released another round of tears. “Don’t say that.”

  “Why not? It’s true.” She urged Kerstin’s hands from the bench. “Come with me.”

  “Where?”

  “Let’s get away for a few minutes. See something beautiful.”

  “I shouldn’t leave the site, in case Henry needs me.” She should tell Bennett about the wiring issue. They were partners, and she deserved to know, but she couldn’t, not right now.

  “Henry has your number.”

  Kerstin rose slowly and walked beside Bennett across the lawn to her car. Their joined hands again produced powerful energy she couldn’t deny. Why Bennett’s touch and no other? Why now? They pulled away from the station, and Kerstin asked, “Where are we going?”

  “You’ll see.” Bennett drove in silence down Cornwallis Drive to Lawndale and north toward the city limits. She turned into the Lake Brandt marina, past the rental shack, and stopped between two trees with a magnificent view of the lake. “Do you remember this spot?”

  “We took a joy ride in my parents’ car one Sunday afternoon and ended up here. It’s as beautiful as I remember. The lake is like glass, reflecting the trees and fall colors on the other side.” She turned sideways in her seat. “Why are we here, Ben?”

  “You needed a break. Can you tell me why you were so upset?”

  She shook her head. Another opportunity for honesty and she balked. Coward.

  “When you’re ready.” Bennett stared at the water and raked her fingers through her hair. “I brought you here for another reason too. I want to talk without interruptions.”

  Bennett’s shoulders were tight and the muscles along her arms rigid from gripping the steering wheel. Whatever she wanted to talk about seemed serious. Did Kerstin want to know? Her answer only took a second. Yes, more than anything. “Talk.”

  Bennett faced her and held out her hands, an unspoken invitation.

  Kerstin took a deep breath and reached out, placing more than her hands in Bennett’s care. “I’m listening.”

  “I’m a coward.”

  Kerstin winced, the word striking a place full of insecurity and her own weakness. “What? You’ve never backed away from anything.” Bennett’s whiskey-brown eyes zeroed in on hers, unwavering.

  “I left you in bed, alone, after we had sex. I ran out this morning after the meeting.”

  “It’s okay, Bennett.”

  “No, it’s really not. I’ve held back so much, afraid to say what I feel, afraid of being honest with you.”

  Kerstin couldn’t stand the anguish in Bennett’s voice, knowing her crime was as great, if not greater. “I should probably tell you something too.”

  Bennett’s mouth quirked into a mischievous grin. “Remember what we used to do?”

  Kerstin nodded.

  Bennett squeezed her hands. “I’ll count to three, and we blurt it out. Agreed?” She nodded again, and Bennett continued. “One, two, three.”

  “The substation wiring is fucked up.”

  “I’m in love with you.”

  Chapter Twenty-two

  “What?” Bennett dropped Kerstin’s hands. Her body was numb and her mind fuzzy. Kerstin is concerned about work. Why did Bennett always reach for the impossible? She finally summoned the courage to glance at Kerstin, who looked as stunned as Bennett.

  “You’re…in love with me?”

  She hesitated, but her heart demanded the truth. “Totally. And I’m tired of playing cool, being casual, or whatever people do who don’t really care about each other. Hit-and-run isn’t my style. I hated waking up in the cottage without you. And I really hated leaving you alone in your hotel room.”

  “Why did you?”

  “My family. We meet at the cemetery on the dates of my grandfather and father’s deaths for a quick breakfast. And I thought you wanted me to leave.”

  “I see.”

  She waited for Kerstin to elaborate, but she stared out across the lake. By admitting her love, Bennett had emotionally slit her wrists and was bleeding to death. Her pain and disappointment demanded a retreat to safety. She adopted one of Kerstin’s coping tactics—work. “What about the wiring?”

  Kerstin’s eyes misted, and she brushed a tear with the back of her hand. “Apparently, Gil used subpar supplies, a violation of federal guidelines and a criminal offense.” A tear slid down her cheek. “Henry found the problem this morning.”

  Bennett rolled down her window and sat quietly watching small waves splash against the lakeshore. Kerstin’s news mingled with hers and shuffled through her mind in bullet points. She’d declared her love. Another work stoppage. An unhappy chief. Nothing from Kerstin about her declaration. More evaluations. No idea how Kerstin feels. New supplies equal budget increase. All her professional and personal vulnerabilities floated around her, out in the open. She tried to shrug off her feelings, telling herself she couldn’t lose something she never had. Focus on work. “Any idea about the financial cost for the upgrades?”

  “Henry is getting estimates. I didn’t know Gil sidestepped the regulations. I should’ve double-checked his supply list along with the design. My assumptions could cost me this project and have some unpleasant consequences for both our careers. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

  Kerstin touched Bennett’s arm and she flinched, the connection quicker and sharper than any weapon. “It’s not about my career right now, but I don’t want the chief, the department, and the officers to be disappointed.” She couldn’t concentrate on work, but could she risk returning to her feelings? She had to. She needed answers. “What about us?”

  “This isn’t the time for—”

  “It’s exactly the time, Kerstin. Pretending is not who I am. I’m in love with you.”

  Kerstin looked at her again, her face twisted in a combination of pain and confusion. “But we don’t even know each other anymore. We’re not the same people we were in high school. How can you—”

  “Life taught me not to bypass what I want if I know it’s right. Can you honestly say you don’t feel anything for me?”

  Kerstin studied her hands before answering. “No, I can’t, but this…us…can’t work, and you know why.”

  Had she misheard? She was no longer willing to assume or accept vague responses. “Are you saying you have feelings for me too?”

  Kerstin placed her hand over Bennett’s where it rested on her thigh. “Of course I do. I’ve given you mixed messages since I got back because I’ve denied my feelings and run from them, but I can’t really leave them. I also can’t turn my back on the commitment I’ve made to my family. You of all people should understand.”

  Bennett’s heart hammered, and she choked down an urge to shout. Kerstin wasn’t offering her a clear path, but there was hope. Looking back, she’d often dreamed of a do-over with Kerstin. “Things change, Kerst. Don’t rule us out yet. We’ll face whatever happens with the project and our lives together, like we tag-teamed the committee this morning.”

  “I don’t know if I can. I’ve been in denial for so long, not just about my feelings for you but feelings in general. Intimacy terrifies me.”

  “Trust me, and let’s take it one day at a time.”

  “I’ll try, but no promises. This whole emotions and trust thing will take some getting used to.” Kerstin slid across the seat, rested her head on Bennett’s shoulder, and placed her hand
across Bennett’s heart. “Will you do something for me now?”

  “Name it.”

  “Hold me. Just hold me. I feel like I’m unraveling.”

  Bennett wrapped her arms around Kerstin and reclined the seat so they could still see the water. “If you do, I’ll put you back together.” The moment, with Kerstin so close, was right. She still wanted to hear Kerstin say those three words, but it would have to be on her timeline. As she watched the waves lap lazily against the shore, an old insecurity crept in. Please let me be enough for her this time.

  * * *

  Kerstin nuzzled closer to Bennett, inhaling the scent of her. “I feel safe with you.” The truth of her statement astonished her as much as Bennett’s declaration of love. She did feel safe and, more surprisingly, didn’t have the slightest urge to run or control what was happening between them. The tension she usually carried in her shoulders faded, and she considered the future, possibilities, and happiness.

  She kissed Bennett’s cheek and down the side of her neck, savoring the mixture of sweat and tangy perfume, a recipe from the past that comforted her. As she listened to the steady rhythm of Bennett’s breathing and the splashing water, her eyelids grew heavy and her worries slowly vanished.

  Kerstin jerked awake to her cell phone ringing. She’d fallen asleep in Bennett’s arms, the first restful sleep she’d had since they made love days ago. The afternoon sun had settled at the tops of the trees, bringing shadows and cooler temperatures. She punched the answer key, annoyed at the interruption. “Hello.”

  “What the hell is going on down there, Anthony?” Leonard Parrish’s loud voice forced her to hold the phone away from her ear.

  “Sorry?”

  “Damn right, you’re sorry. Why aren’t the guys working? And where is my check? I can’t run a business on promises.”

  Kerstin considered her options: tell him the truth and give him a chance to cover his tracks if he was involved in the illegal activity or come up with a plausible excuse. She looked over and Bennett shook her head. “The building committee got our budget updates this morning.” As if that really answered his question.