“I know, and I’m not biting,” I reassured him.
“What time are you guys getting to the show tomorrow? I’m getting nervous,” Hunter said, thankfully changing the subject, but I could see by the look on his face that he really was nervous.
“Fen, do you want us to pick you up?” Monique offered.
“That’s okay,” I said, not wanting to be a third wheel. “I’ll meet you guys there as soon as it opens, but thanks anyway.” We all got up when the bell rang, but Hunter pulled me aside.
“Please remember what I said. If you decide to meet him I want to know.” I nodded that I understood and we went our separate ways.
The next day flew by and I was excited to see what Hunter had been working on while he was at his evening art classes. He had managed to keep the work a total secret. I decided to use this as an excuse to dress up a little, even though it was a Tuesday night, and fussing with my hair and make up had me missing the city and being with Aunt Haley. I looked through my closet and found a brown houndstooth vintage mini skirt and I slipped it on over some sheer tights. I decided on a dainty white button up top and threw on my black moto jacket since there was a chill in the air. As I stared at my shoe choices I saw my converse and it made me miss Tru. I decided to go with some Oxfords and leave the reminders of him at home for the night.
The community college art gallery was already packed when I got there, but Hunter was easy to find. He looked completely out of place compared to the other artists with colorful hair and tattoos. He looked like a jock who steeped into the wrong room. He was totally alone and it made me sad for him. I crossed the room quickly and greeted him with a hug.
“You’re here!” he said, sounding relieved. “And wow, you look amazing.” I blushed at his compliment.
“Such a big crowd. Give me the grand tour of your...” I looked up at the little area he had been given in the gallery and I was stunned into silence. It wasn’t because the art was good. It wasn’t. It was incredible. It was because of the subject matter. Most of the walls were covered in neatly matted drawings in black and white, but in each one there was a pop of color. Just one color. The color of my hair. “Hunter,” I whispered. Every drawing was a picture I recognized. They were all pictures of us in our childhood. Picture after picture of different activities our moms had dragged us to. I could almost hear us complaining and whining for “no more pictures.”
“So, do you like it?” he asked nervously.
“I love it. These are incredible. Really, you’re an amazing artist,” I said, looking him directly in the eye. “I just can’t believe you picked us as your subject.”
“The assignment was something that makes us happy. These memories make me happy. All the fun before all the college talk, sports, and being a disappointment.”
“Hey, you’re not a disappointment,” I said, sharply.
“I mean to them Fen. My parents...or at least my dad.” I opened my mouth to say something, but we were interrupted by someone coming to compliment his art. I looked at the bottom corner of his display and walked over to the picture for a better look. We were standing with our rams around each other and you could see the backpack straps that covered our little chests. This was the last first day of grade school and we were waiting for the bus with huge, cheesy smiles on our faces making us look like we were all teeth.
“God, I remember that moment vividly,” I whispered out loud and didn’t realize Hunter was right behind me.
“Me too. We were so stupid and giddy back then,” he said with a laugh. I thought back on it and smiled, remembering how our moms had taken us to pick out backpacks and mine had a glittery fairy on it with a matching lunch box.
“Well, things were a lot less complicated,” I said, then we both turned around when we heard a gasp from behind us. It came from Monique who was staring at all of the drawings with wide eyes. I noticed Jeremy on the other side of the room at the refreshment table.
“Hunter, these are incredible. I love what you did with Fenley’s red hair.” She inspected each one carefully. “Are these all from real pictures?” Hunter nodded yes and started to describe each one to her. I enjoyed listening to his take on each story the pictures told and he was happy to do it over and over as the night went on. It was fun to see him proud of something that didn’t involve throwing or hitting a ball.
“Hey,” I said as I tapped Hunter on the shoulder. “I’m gonna head out,” I whispered, trying not to interrupt a conversation he was having with a classmate.
“Let me walk you,” he offered.
“Don’t let me interrupt. I’ll be fine.”
“Nope. I’m walking you,” he insisted, so I started leading the way. I unlocked my car door and threw my things inside then turned back to Hunter. “Thanks for coming tonight,” he said as he stood there towering over me with his hands in his pockets.
“I wouldn’t miss it. You did some amazing work in there.”
“Well, I had a pretty amazing subject,” he said as he looked at me with a grin. I could feel my face getting hot. I always got embarrassed from compliments. “Goodnight,” he said, saving me from saying something stupid.
“See you in the morning.”
That night I had dreams about riding the school bus with Hunter and a field trip we once took to the aquarium in second grade. I was deep into the dream when my alarm clock started buzzing and the sound of it startled me awake. I had managed to avoid most thoughts of Tru for the night, but as soon as I was awake he was back in my head. I still hadn’t decided if I would meet up with him and as the week went on I got more and more nervous about doing the right thing.
“I don’t know if I’ll regret not seeing him and hearing him out,” I said to Monique as we studied at Diablo Burger. She had just taken a huge bite of her burger and held up a finger motioning for me to wait for her reply as she chewed her food. She took a sip of her dink then wiped her mouth before she spoke.
“Sorry, okay... I probably have an unpopular opinion, but I think you should go. I think you should put this to rest in person.”
“You really think so?” I asked and she nodded yes. “Hunter is one hundred percent against it.”
“It’s not up to Hunter,” she said bluntly. “He’s worried. I get it.”
“Well, I guess I’ll wake up Saturday and see what mood I’m in. Until then, I’ll be losing sleep, and probably hair, from my nerves.”
I avoided the topic on Friday. I tried my hardest to pretend like everything was okay. I did my best to listen in each class and it was almost impossible. During lunch I had to remind myself to stay focused and not seem super distracted, but inside I was a wreck. Hunter would make a joke and I would laugh, but he would look at me out of the corner of his eye and I could tell he wasn’t buying it. I could also tell he was holding back too. I knew he wanted to ask me what I had decided. I turned down plans to go to a movie with everyone that night and went home instead, hoping that my decision would hit me in the face, but it never did. I finally gave up on doing anything else besides watching cartoons and getting the least restful sleep I could ever remember having.
My body woke up with the sun on Saturday, but my mind was a totally groggy mess. I got out of bed and made some hot tea as I prayed it would give me clarity and I took it to my front porch to sip on my steps. I took my first sip and almost spit it out when Hunter drove up. He got out of his car and joined me on the steps as I waited for an explanation.
“I haven’t said anything all week, but it’s driving me crazy and I want to know if you’re going.” He blurted it all out at once.
“I don’t know.”
“It’s getting kind of close. Shouldn’t you make a choice?”
“I was hoping the decision would drop out of the sky.”
“What are you most worried about?” He asked, leaning back on the steps.
“What if I see him and I crumble? And is that terrible? I don’t know how to do any of this.” I rubbed my tired face in frustratio
n. I could hear Hunter as he sighed next to me.
“Listen, no one knows how to do this. Only you can decide if what happened was unforgivable. I don’t like it, but that’s the truth.” I looked at him for a long moment then wiped a tear that escaped from my eye. “Hey,” he whispered, “why are you crying?”. I took a deep breath before I answered.
“So many things warped how I perceived our friendship and I wish I could go back and see it for what it really has been.” He only smiled a sad smile then pulled me into a hug.
“I’ll leave you to it,” he said, squeezing me one more time.
“Thanks for stopping by.”
I watched him walk down the driveway and felt a little sad as his car got smaller in the distance. I think I had known all along that I would meet Tru, but I had managed to convince myself that I had a choice. I went back inside and sat down on my bed. I gave myself a mental pep talk and tried to get motivated to get ready, but it was hard to move. I started looking through my closet for something to wear and before I could stop myself I was weeding through clothes, shoes, and other things as I purged what I didn’t want anymore.
I sat back and looked at the piles of things I had decided to part with and realized I still hadn’t picked out anything to wear. I grabbed a black and white gingham sundress that was fitted, pulled a white t-shirt over it, and threw on my moto jacket. It was the only thing I could think of besides sweats or my pajamas.
I checked the time on my phone and gasped. It was a quarter to eleven and the airport was twenty minutes away from my house. I stood up and slid my feet into my converse as I ran to my car. Part of me asked if this was the universe’s way of making the choice for me, but when I jumped out of my car and stood in the lobby of the coffee house, I could see the universe didn’t intend for me to miss him this time.
32.
He was sitting at a hightop table in the back of the coffee house and staring out of the window that faced the runway. I could see him in the reflection of the glass with his head down and his knee shaking nervously. I wondered how late I was and if he had already given up on me showing up, but I was frozen in place, watching him until he looked up at my reflection and turned around to see if it was real. I heard him gasp as he leaped out of his seat, but he only took about two steps then stopped where he was.
“You’re here,” he said with a raw voice as he wiped under his eye with the sleeve of his cardigan. I looked at him, desperately wishing that the right words would come to me, but I wasn’t able to make a sound as I looked at his face. “I thought...” he started to say, but shook his head and repeated himself. “You’re here.” The sight of him mended and broke my heart all at once and there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop the tears from running down my face. This time he didn’t hesitate. This time he was in front of me in seconds with his arms wrapped around me as he promised me it would be okay. I shuddered with silent sobs into his shoulder as he smoothed my hair and whispered that he was sorry.
“I’m so sorry I did this to us. I’m so, so sorry. I had to say that to you in person.” I pulled back a little, still unable to speak and he ushered me over to the table where we would have more privacy. “I didn’t think you were coming and I have never felt so sad in my life. I’m not saying that you being here means anything. I don’t have any expectations,” he said as he wiped his eyes again. “I just couldn’t go on not telling you how sorry I am in person.” He watched me as I wiped my face and I suddenly felt too exposed. I looked down at the table and he reached his hands across like he used to when he wanted me to take them, but he slowly pulled them back when I didn’t move. “Please say something,” he said after a few long and silent moments.
“I don’t know what to say. What do you say to the person who broke your heart?” He visibly flinched when I said it.
“These last few weeks have been the hardest I have ever had. What happened with us made me come face to face with a side of me that I don’t like at all. Fen, if I could go back in time I would. I wake up every day and wish I had never made that visit. I wish I had asked you instead of assumed you wanted the same thing. I would gladly agree to only meeting you in public and holding your hand until the day you marry me if it meant I could get you back.” His words made me shiver.
“I wish all of those things too. I wish it was just a bad dream,” I whispered. “I didn’t know if I was going to come today. I didn’t make a choice until this morning. A good friend told me that only I can decide if what happened is unforgivable. I just don’t know yet.” I couldn’t look up at him. His face was my kryptonite.
“I’ll never forgive myself, so I don’t blame you if you can’t forgive me. I hurt the one person I wanted to protect.”
“Maybe it’s just too raw still.” I shrugged, coming up at a loss.
“If it takes a thousand years for you to forgive me I can wait,” he said when I looked up at him. Our eyes locked for what felt like hours, but we were both brought back to the present when we heard an alarm on his phone. He sighed in frustration. “I have to catch my connecting flight. Fuck, I don’t want to leave yet,” he said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked at me again. “I hope seeing me didn’t make things worse.”
“No, not at all,” I said. It was true. The last memory I had of him was from that night. This encounter reminded me of the Tru I had met at the bookstore. A small smile turned up the corner of his mouth even though his eyes were still sad.
“I’ll take any amount of progress, no matter how small. I don’t deserve to ask you for anything, but can I have one hug before I go?”
I stood and he joined me, wrapping his arms around me. I reluctantly wrapped my own around him, but as soon as we were locked in an embrace he squeezed tighter and I remembered how much I loved the feeling so I squeezed back. I heard his breath catch then he pulled away and took both of my hands in his. “Fen, no matter what you decide, I am always here for you.” He kissed the top of my knuckles before he pulled away. “Go. I can’t walk away from you so I need you to go first.” I looked up at him and could see in his eyes that he meant it. I pulled away and turned around without a word. I took each step one at a time, holding myself together until I reached the privacy of my car, and that’s when I let everything I was feeling out as I gripped my steering wheel. I finally started to calm down and I flipped the visor down so I could fix my face in the mirror. I wiped the black streaks of mascara away and took a few calming breaths before I started my car and drove away.
I noticed Hunter’s car in front of my house when I got home and found him in the kitchen with my mom.
“Hi honey. Hunter was helping me decide what cookies to make,” she said in a cheerful voice. I hadn’t mentioned anything about what I was doing that morning. “But I guess you can both get on with your plans and the cookies will be a surprise,” she said with a wink. I looked at Hunter with a question on my face and he nodded for me to follow him out.
“We’d better get going,” he said as he started walking outside. I followed him, a little bewildered at his presence. “Come on, I’m taking you for some food because I’m sure you need it,” he said as he marched to his car.
“Hunter, I just got back. Can you please stop walking and tell me what’s going on?” I had stopped in the middle of my lawn. Hunter turned around in frustration and stepped closer to me.
“Tru called me. I promised him I would make sure you were okay. He watched you until you left the airport,” he said, then turned back around and started walking again. I came to my senses and hurried to follow him.
“I can’t believe he called you,” I said as we drove.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me when and where you were meeting him,” Hunter said with distinct anger in his voice.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t really plan it. I just sort of got up and went.”
“Well, let’s get you some food then you can tell me how it went.”
I picked at the sandwich I had ordered because the thought
of food made my stomach churn. I looked across the table at Hunter who seemed about as interested in his food as I was.
“I can’t believe he called you,” I repeated as I looked down at my plate.
“Neither can I, but I get it. He saw you upset and knew he wasn’t the person who could do anything about it.”
“Well, I’m not sure if the visit was very productive, but I think I realized I don’t hate him. It was also good to hear him say he was sorry.”
“So...forgivable,” he stated.
“Maybe.” I shrugged and forced myself to take a bite.
“I have some fun news,” Hunter said as he picked at his food.
“God, I’m so sorry. All I do is talk about myself these days. What’s your news?”
“I’m going to apply to art school, or art schools more specifically. I don’t know where I can get in, but the professor of my workshop encouraged me to try and even said there were dozens of scholarships I could aim at.”
“Hunter, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you!”
“Thanks,” he said and it almost looked like he was blushing. “It’s all a little overwhelming. I honestly thought I would get picked up just like my dad hoped for and play a sport for an in-state.”
“Well, if you need help with anything you know I’m here for you.” I reached across the table and put my hand on top of his and squeezed. He looked down at our hands and closed his eyes before politely pulling away. “Maybe we can have an application night. Just eat junk food and fill out forms all night.”
“Maybe. Are you still applying out of state too?”
“I think so. I mean, if you’re gone then there isn’t a huge reason for me to stay. Hey, maybe you’ll end up at CUNY and I’ll end up at NYU. We can be neighbors,” I said with a smile. “At least we still have high school for the rest of the year.”
“We sure do.”
A week went by with no messages or calls from Tru and I was sort of relieved. It gave me breathing room so I could think about our conversation. There was no mistaking the sincere regret in his apology, but we both knew that sort of forgiveness would take time.
Fugly: Book One of the Fenley East Series Page 14
