Mayhem, Murder and the PTA

by Dave Cravens

  “I can read,” answered Joe. He shook his head as if realizing how stupid that made him sound. “I mean, I’ve read some of your work.”

  Parker’s heart fluttered. My heart flutters? “Well, it’s always nice to meet a fan.” She extended her hand.

  Joe hesitated, then finally put forth his hand. “Yeah, uh, whatever.”

  Parker kicked herself inside her own head. Never assume they are fans just because they’ve read your work. Parker lost count of how many people she’d offended with her articles over the years. Still, she was excited that someone in this god forsaken town had heard of her. Her excitement turned into shock as she shook Joe’s hand. His firm grip was like a steel vise. Parker was relieved when the hand shake was over.

  “Anyway, nice to meet you. I’ve got a—thing,” Joe awkwardly pointed over his shoulder. “—to finish. So, if you ladies will excuse me.”

  Are you--? Is he--? Creating an excuse to blow me off? Parker grimaced. “Of course,” she nodded politely. As Joe turned to leave, Parker started to massage her throbbing hand. She watched him carefully as he disappeared through the front entrance of the school. “That guy has a hell of a handshake.”

  “Oh, yes,” agreed Holly. “Probably a holdover from his Army days.”

  “Wait,” Parker smiled back at Holly. “Army days. You’re telling me he was a GI? Named Joe?”

  Holly titled her head like a confused puppy. “His name is Joe, yes.”

  “With a firm handshake that one might liken to a ‘kung-fu grip?’” Desperately wanting to Holly to pick up on her 80’s action figure reference, Parker outstretched her hands as if offering a present.

  Holly still wasn’t following. “Are you referring to his short temper?”

  Now it was Parker’s turn to look confused. “Temper?”

  “My son says he shouts at all the kids in gym class. I suppose he tries to run it like the Army.”

  As the final bell went off to dismiss the students, Parker was struck with a new clarity by Holly’s statement. Her mind flashed back to the first day of school when she watched two powerful arms angrily grab Heller in the darkened music room. Parker hadn’t recognized Joe’s face just now, but some part of her mind must have recognized his hands, forearms and voice. She’d be willing to bet hard cash that GI Joe was the man who had threatened Heller. Parker could remember his words as clear as day.

  “Whatever happens next, Heller--it’s on you.”

  What happened next was Mr. Bernstein was fired from his job and the music program was cancelled. Then shortly after that, the school was broken into and music instruments were stolen. How did a gym teacher fit into the picture? And why would Heller, after years of supporting the music program, decide to cancel it?

  24.

  “I admit, it’s all rather strange,”

  confessed Valerie when Parker filled her in on the latest in the kitchen. “But these questions are only going to distract you from what’s really important.”

  Parker’s mouth dropped open. “Are you saying I’m easily distracted?”

  Valerie cradled her own forehead in her palm. “Sweet Martha Stewart, I can’t tell if you’re joking anymore.”

  Parker folded her arms in protest. “Mother. I’m a highly trained and experienced world class journalist. I can’t simply turn off my powers of perception. I can’t help the fact that I’m hyper-aware of every detail in my environment.”

  Just then, Ally pulled at Parker’s pant leg. “Yes, dear,” answered Parker looking down and noticing her three-year-old for what seemed like the first time. “What is – holy mother of fuck! What the hell happened to you?”

  Ally smiled back innocently through a face completely covered in bold colors made to look like she was either an alien clown or Tammy Fae Baker in a goth phase. Parker looked around the kitchen to discover thirty or so colored markers littering the table and floor with their caps off. As best as Parker could determine, Ally had just attempted to put on her own make-up Crayola style.

  “A bold look, Ally,” complimented Valerie with a smirk. She patted Ally on the head.

  “Were you just watching her do this the whole time?” Parker blasted at her mother.

  “My perceptive powers aren’t anywhere nearly developed as yours, so who can be sure?”

  Parker grabbed a wash cloth and dampened it in the sink. “I’m assuming this shit washes off.” She rubbed Ally’s face, who giggled in response. After a few scrubs, all Parker seemed to have accomplished was to add a rosy blush base. “It’s not coming off.” Parker scrubbed some more. “Mom, it’s not coming off!”

  Valerie tried to contain her snickering as the doorbell rang.

  “Door!” yelled Drew from upstairs.

  Parker threw the washcloth at Valerie. “I’m so glad you’re amused by this.”

  Valerie began to scrub as Parker headed toward the entry way. Parker swore she could hear Valerie mutter a “Well, I’ll be, it’s not coming off, is it?” as she left the kitchen.

  “Someone’s at the door!” Drew yelled again from upstairs.

  “We’ve established that!” Parker barked back. Then, as if playing the part of a mother in complete control of her children and life, she plastered a smile on her face and opened the door with the calm grace of a dancer. “Hello, Mr. Bernstein.”

  Mr. Bernstein smiled and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Hello. Is now still a good time?”

  “Yes,” answered Parker. “Please come in. Maddy, your new piano teacher is here!” Parker did her best to raise her voice without shouting up the stairs. “Maddy? Maddy, are you there?”

  “Maddy!” shouted Drew from upstairs. “Mom wants you!”

  A door could be heard opening. “What?” Maddy’s voice shouted back. “Why are you screaming?”

  “Mom wants you!”

  “Why?”

  “Because some guy is here!”

  “What guy?”

  “It’s time for your piano lesson, just get your ass down here!” Parker finally shouted at the top of her lungs. Parker did her best to offer a calm smile when she refocused her attention on Mr. Bernstein. “Do you have kids?”

  Bernstein meekly shook his head. “Um, no, the wife and I were never blessed with children.” Bernstein looked to the floor, almost as if ashamed by the statement. “Say, Ms. Monroe. I appreciate what you’re trying to do with this and the fundraiser and all but,” he looked up. “They’re a lot of work and I certainly don’t want to cause any trouble for you.”

  Parker studied Bernstein’s eyes, curious of his choice of words. “What kind of trouble?”

  Bernstein let out a nervous laugh. “Oh, the complications that such an undertaking is bound to create. You’re a busy person, I’m sure. I don’t want to make my problems yours.”

  “Mr. Bernstein, is there something you’re not telling me?” Parker continued to search his eyes. He’s holding back. Why? Parker tried another tact. “Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

  Bernstein swallowed. “Only that I love to teach children about the wonders of music. And I’m grateful for what you’re trying to do.”

  Parker invited Bernstein into the dining room where the piano was. “How about we make a deal? You focus on my prodigal daughter over there.” Parker nodded to Maddy who suddenly appeared in the family room’s entry way. She held her copy of Moonlight Sonata closely to her chest. “I’ll focus on saving the music. I don’t mind a little trouble, here and there Mr. Bernstein. Without it, I’d have nothing to write about.”

  Mr. Bernstein smiled in agreement, then turned to the young girl. “Hello Maddy,” he said as he outstretched his hand. “Your mother says you’re quite the player. I’m looking forward to working with you.”

  Maddy carefully looked Bernstein up and down. After a brief pause, she reached out to shake his hand. “Hello,” she said softly.

  “Is that Moonlight Sonata you’ve got there? Is that a favorite of yours?”

  Maddy
nodded quietly as she clutched the music more tightly. “I have a little trouble with the ending.”

  “Oh, I see. The ending of which movement?”

  Maddy’s eyes widened. “There’s more than one?”

  “Three to be precise. The final movement is incredibly intense. In fact, when Beethoven first debuted this piece he damaged the piano he performed on by playing it so hard.”

  Maddy finally smiled. “Huh.”

  Parker took a deep breath, relieved at Maddy’s surprise. She leaned in to kiss her daughter on the forehead, doubly surprised that Maddy allowed it. “Alrighty then, you two do the learning thing. I’m going to help out Grandma.”

  As Bernstein and Maddy began to work together and pick away at the Sonata’s chords, Parker noticed Valerie in the Kitchen’s doorway chronicling the first moments of the lesson with her cell phone. “You’re recording this?” asked Parker.

  “Precious memories.” Valerie whispered back, a little choked up at the scene.

  Parker reached for her laptop off the counter. “Send me a copy. Maybe I can use it in my presentation to the PTA. I want those bitches eating out of the palm of my hand when I’m done.”

  Valerie stopped recording. “You ever been to a PTA meeting before?”

  “No. But how hard can it be?”

  Valerie sat down across from her daughter. “There’s more P’s than T’s, and those P’s are predominantly strong-willed mothers.”

  “So? I’m a strong-willed mother. I fucking rock.”

  “Precisely. As strong-willed mothers, we also insist our children are the brightest and most beautiful creatures God ever created. We are the absolute authorities on what is best for our prodigal children and will fight to our drying breath to uphold and defend them.”

  “What is the problem?”

  Valerie leaned in. “We can’t all be right all the time.” Valerie nodded to Ally whose face was a portrait of smeared colors. “Now, imagine a roomful of women who believe they are.”

  Parker grimaced. “I’m going to need reinforcements.” She picked up her cell phone and dialed. “Julie? It’s me, Parker. Yeah, crazy right? Listen, I’m hoping I can ask a favor from you. What? Nope. The beauty is it will only cost you a hundred dollars.”

  25.

  Parker was used to hitting tight deadlines…

  but Thursday night’s PTA meeting arrived fast even by journalism standards. She worked late into several nights gathering her data, fretting over the right stock photos to use and rewriting each slide of her presentation to pull at every last heart string and achieve maximum impact. Now it was time to deliver. Continuing her theme of over preparedness, Parker pulled her Highlander into the school’s parking lot at precisely 6:30pm the night of the PTA meeting, a full thirty minutes early. Her plan was to stake out attendees as they filed in. But all she found was a vacant lot until 6:47 when a tanned woman’s hand sporting a large amount of diamond jewelry knocked on her driver’s side window.

  “Sorry I’m late,” apologized Julie with a wide smile. She raised her red solo cup and took another sip. “But I didn’t really want to show up when you asked me to. Or at all.”

  “You showed up, that’s what counts.” Parker rolled down her window. Her nose immediately scrunched up from the strong waft of booze that hit her. “Holy hell, Julie how much have you been drinking?”

  “Glory and I have been at the bar for the past hour,” she jammed her thumb like a hitchhiker to direct Parker’s attention to Glory, who stepped into view, Hawaiian shirt and all. “Maybe longer.”

  “’Sup! I’m the designated driver!” Glory gave an enthusiastic two thumbs up.

  “I promised myself a long time ago I’d never attend a PTA meeting sober,” Julie hiccupped. “Mission accomplished.”

  Parker frowned. She knew it was a risk inviting Julie, but she figured she’d only have to contend with her big mouth. The alcohol might enlarge that same mouth to unacceptable proportions. “Fine. Just remember to vote my way when the time comes.”

  “What can I do?” asked Glory innocently.

  Parker wasn’t sure how the PTA might receive Glory’s porn-star moustache, but his unbridled enthusiasm made it hard to turn him away. “Are you a PTA member?”

  “No, but I can sign up.”

  “Perfect,” answered Parker. “Just be sure to vote for my motion when the time comes. Also, it’s gonna cost you a hundred dollars.”

  Glory nodded. “No problem.” He winced. “Can I borrow a hundred dollars?”

  “I gotcha, Glory,” said Julie as she patted him on the back of the head. “You can pay me back – later.” Julie started to giggle.

  “Cool.” Glory caught Julie as she stumbled backward.

  As Parker eyed her would-be allies she regretted the decision to leave Valerie home with the kids. All I need is a simple majority. If I can sway half the room, Glory and Julie will put me over the top.

  “Oh shit, it’s the cops!” shouted Julie in a slurred voice. She stumbled to avoid the bright headlights aimed at her by the Sheriff’s car that pulled into the parking lot. Glory struggled to hold Julie upright as she skated in place. “Shit, did he see me? Did he see me?”

  Parker climbed out of her Highlander as the Sheriff’s car eased to a halt next to her.

  Sheriff Bill climbed out of the patrol car. “Evening, Parker.” He turned to examine Glory holding a skating Julie. He sniffed. “Wow -- is she drunk?”

  “Is she in trouble if she is?” asked Parker.

  “Not if she isn’t driving and it’s after school hours,” answered Bill.

  “Then, yeah, she’s piss drunk.” Parker grabbed her laptop from her car. “What are you doing here, Sheriff?”

  Bill pulled up on his belt buckle as other cars began to file into the parking lot. “Heller wanted me to show up to the PTA meeting tonight.” He winked. “You know, in case things get out of hand.”

  “Seriously?”

  Bill smiled. “Oh, she’s been on a pins and needles since the break-in. I told her I’d stop by and look around since the school is going to be open after hours.”

  “I see,” Parker smiled back. “Then don’t be surprised if I ask you to do some magic tricks to warm up the crowd.”

  “Yeah right,” Bill laughed the comment off, then scratched the back of his head as if entertaining the thought. “Well, I mean, I’ve got some cool card tricks if you’re in a bind.”

  “Card tricks?” Parker tried to sound impressed.

  Bill’s face lit up. “Oh yeah, it’s all about the art of misdirection, you know?” He waved his hands like an expert prestidigitator. “Where is your eye looking, and what am I hiding while you’re looking right at me?” With a snap of a finger, an ace of spades seemed to appear in his hand as if out of thin air. “Presto!” He offered the card to Parker.

  “Amazing.” Parker politely refused the card and clutched her laptop. “But I wasn’t being serious about warming up the crowd.”

  “Oh, yeah, I knew that.” Bill pretended to wave Parker off.

  “I gotta trick for yah, occifer!” hiccupped Julie. She grabbed her crotch as Glory dragged her by.

  Parker grimaced. “Let’s hope they’ve got some strong coffee inside.”

  26.

  Oak Creek Elementary’s “Great Hall” proved to be nothing of the sort.

  Despite being the largest room in the entire school it still somehow managed to feel small and claustrophobic, crammed with a small stage at the front that featured a portable screen lit up by a projector in the back of the room. Folding chairs were sporadically spread across the floor. Parker counted twenty-some people in the room, including President Holly teetering across the worn carpet floor as she carried a podium that looked as though it were two inches taller than her. As Holly plopped the podium down and retrieved a plastic milk carton crate to stand on, Parker made her way to the back of the room to the two women working the video projector.

  “Hi, I’m Parker Monroe,” greeted
Parker. “I’m going to be presenting tonight. How do I plug in my laptop to your projector?”

  The first woman offered a thick cable with a frayed connector that looked as though it dated back to the Speak ‘N’ Spell era. Parker balked, knowing her state of the art laptop would reject such a relic. “Do you have an adapter for that or--?” She looked to the other woman, who she immediately recognized as the Baby-Faced mother from the playground on the first day of school. “Oh, shit – hi!” Parker tried smiling. “Wow, it’s you. You’re – everywhere.”

  Baby Face arched an eyebrow without a word.

  I may be down one vote already.

  Parker decided to focus on the first woman. “Perhaps I could quickly email you the presentation?” Luckily, the first woman agreed to the emailing, and plugged in a heavy school laptop that proudly displayed the name “Google” spelled with two “g’s” and a “u.” Parker imagined the school purchasing their computers in a dark alley out of the back of some Jersey accented guy’s van.

  “Alright, everyone, if you’re just coming in, please take a seat. We’re about to get started,” announced Holly. The PTA president stood on her tip toes to speak into the microphone. “Welcome, welcome all! I see the Sheriff is here! Wow! A celebrity!” Holly pointed to the back of the room, where Bill leaned against the wall. “And we have some new, um--faces.” Her smile weakened as she looked at Glory who sat comfortably in the front row with his legs spread open as far they could possibly go. Julie slouched in the chair next to him and wore sunglasses which made it impossible to know if she was conscious, sleeping or dead. “And I see, Joe Ward, our gym teacher walking in! That’s super! We rarely have teachers show up to these things, so that is a real treat!”

  Parker looked up from the projector table. GI JOE? Sure enough, Joe the gym teacher walked in through the back entrance and reluctantly waved to Holly. His eyes caught Parker’s for a moment. She smiled and waved. He sat down without so much as a glance. Did he see me?

  “And of course, Vice Principal Heller is joining us tonight. How wonderful to see you, Karen!”