Mayhem, Murder and the PTA

by Dave Cravens

  Parker’s cheeks and forehead rushed red with blood. You -- bitch.

  “Then it’s eleven to twelve, and the motion is—”

  “Wait!” Parker shouted. She grabbed Holly by the shoulders. “Holly, you didn’t vote! Are you in favor, or not in favor?”

  Holly hunched her shoulders. “As President, I’m not allowed to vote. I can only put forth the motions.”

  “Fuck.” Parker’s hand slowly lowered like a balloon rapidly losing air. She spotted Sheriff Bill who had successfully kept his face buried in his phone during the entire meeting so as not to engage at all. “Sheriff! I didn’t see your hand go up! Where do you stand on this issue?”

  Bill let out as nervous chortle. “Oh, Parker, I’m not a parent. Or a teacher. I don’t think I’m allowed to vote either.”

  “You cannot vote,” Heller insisted.

  Holly took a deep breath. “So, with a final tally of eleven to twelve—”

  “Wait!” Parker shouted again, her hand shooting back up into the air. “I didn’t vote! Can I vote? I can vote right? Even though it’s my fundraiser? Because I’m definitely in favor of my fundraiser!”

  Holly nodded. “Of course! That makes it twelve to twelve.” She sighed. “But I’m afraid the motion still won’t pass as you need a simple majority of the members present.”

  Parker’s hand and hopes dropped once again.

  Julie sprung up from her seat. “Are you fucking kidding me?” she shouted. “You nasty, horrid twats are just begging me to go public with the rest of your smutty secrets! I demand a revote!”

  “Ms. Julie!” scolded Heller. “I will not tolerate your drunken rants any more than I will allow you to blackmail any member of this committee into changing their vote! Now, please, sit down and shut your filthy pie hole or I will ask the Sheriff to escort you outside in handcuffs!”

  Bill grimaced, looking back to Heller as if saying “really?”

  Julie used her middle finger to push her sunglasses back up the bridge of her nose. Then she smiled at Sheriff Bill. “Promise to be gentle with me, Sheriff.” Glory quickly tugged at Julie’s arm to pull her down into her chair.

  Holly’s eyes continued to search the room. “Did I miss anyone? Did anyone not vote?” she asked. “For or against?”

  Heller became impatient and tapped her foot. “Please just call it, Holly, the motion obviously didn’t pass.”

  Joe the Gym teacher stood up. “I didn’t vote.” He declared as he stared back at Heller. “I’m assuming I still can.”

  Heller’s jaw dropped open. After a moment’s respite, she tugged at her suit jacket to smooth it of any creases. “Alright then, Joe,” she swallowed her words. “What is your vote? Are you for or against the fundraiser?”

  Joe’s eyes narrowed.

  29.

  Joe turned back to Holly.

  “I don’t even know why there is a debate about this. I’m new, but as I understand it this school had an amazing music program. If Parker thinks she can raise the money to bring it back, then let her try. I’m in favor of the motion.”

  Parker let out a sigh of relief.

  Holly clapped. “Let the record show that the motion passed at a vote of thirteen to twelve. Ms. Monroe, you may proceed with your fundraiser.”

  “Thank you,” said Parker.

  “Woohoo! Fuck you, you PTA twats!” cheered Julie before leaning over and throwing up all over the floor. Victory smelled like vomit.

  “Lovely,” Holly rubbed her twitching eye. “Can someone go find a janitor? Thank you. Also, I think we’ve all had a good amount of excitement this evening, so as PTA president I’m adjourning this meeting early. Good night!” Holly dashed off the stage and out of the room. The PTA members began to disband, some with smiles, others as models of rage and disgust.

  Glory waved goodbye as he tugged at Julie to follow him to the exit. “Congratulations, Parker! We’ll see you around!”

  Parker didn’t care about her victory right now. Hot with rage, she looked at the photo of her Highlander on the screen behind her, and then to Baby Face, who had manned the video projector. Baby Face was a deer in the headlights as Parker bolted across the room to confront her. “Would you mind explaining to me how the hell a picture of my Highlander is the first image that popped onto that screen as opposed to the presentation I emailed you?” blasted Parker. “Because if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to sabotage me!”

  Baby Face’s mouth opened, but no sound came out.

  Parker looked back at the social media posting. According to its time stamp, the photo was posted by Helcat1913 within the last hour, an incredibly suspicious coincidence. “Helcat1913? Is that your tag?” Parker blasted again.

  “You don’t need to answer any of that,” Heller assured Baby Face as she approached the table. “Ms. Parker is simply a sore winner trying to draw attention away from the fact that she parked in my driveway the first day of school.”

  Parker clenched her fist. “So, was it you who posted the photo, Heller? Is that why you left in the middle of my presentation? To enact your revenge?”

  Heller titled her head. “Are you finally admitting it was you who parked in my driveway?”

  “Yes!” spat Parker, owning up to it.

  “I knew it!” Heller jabbed her pointer finger into Parker’s chest.

  “Don’t turn this around!” Parker yelled. “Are you Helcat1913?”

  “I am not,” answered Heller coolly.

  “Really?” Parker wasn’t buying it for a second. “Helcat? Heller? What is 1913, the year you were born?”

  Heller shook her head. “That would mean I’m over a hundred years old. Do your math!”

  “I did!”

  Frightened by the display before her, Baby Face quietly grabbed her purse and made for a hasty exit. The remaining mothers, Sheriff Bill and Joe stood paralyzed as they watched the catfight unfold before them.

  “Just fucking admit it!” Parker seethed. “You tried to sabotage my presentation!”

  “I did nothing of the sort!” insisted Heller. “When the school’s laptop boots up, it loads the PTA’s social media page! I can’t help the fact that a photo of your flagrant misdeed turned out to be the headline!”

  “Bullshit!” Parker was full on livid by now. “You’ve had it in for me since day one! You’ve thrown every ridiculous rule in the book at me!”

  “Oh, yes, it’s all about you, Ms. Monroe. You can’t ever see beyond yourself!” Heller took another step forward and wagged her finger. “Is it ridiculous to expect students and their parents to refrain from shooting at each other on school grounds?”

  “You know damn well that was meant to be a show of affection. You blew it up!”

  “Poor choice of words. Is it ridiculous to expect parents to refrain from meddling with school affairs on a daily basis? To do as instructed and not contact fired employees days after their dismissal? Is it ridiculous to expect one’s private driveway to be free of trespassers? Is it ridiculous to ask parents to wear appropriate clothing on school grounds?”

  “Appropriate clothing?” Parker paused, remembering Heller’s brief lecture over her tight clothing. “Oh, I see, was I showing too much of these the other day? Were they threatening you?” Parker cupped her own breasts to push them at Heller. “How many buttons are acceptable, Mrs. Heller, please, please tell me! This many?” Parker popped open the top button of her white blouse. “How about this many?” She popped another few buttons. “Shall I go on?”

  Heller rolled her eyes as Parker continued to expose her cleavage.

  Parker threw her arms up in the air. “I don’t get it Heller. Maybe it’s because you’ve got the body of a wrinkled eleven-year-old boy, but do you really despise me so much that even my boobs offend you? Are you so desperate to win that you must resort to body shaming? I can’t help the fact that after giving birth these things kept getting bigger and dare I say more spectacular!” Parker caught herself full on screaming at the ol
d woman before her. She forced a deep breath in an attempt to calm down, but her adrenaline was pumping way too high. “But you wouldn’t know about any of that crap! You haven’t experienced the hormonal shit show that childbirth imposes on a woman because you’ve been so focused on your god damn career you never bothered to have any children of your own! And what did all that hard work get you? You’re still just a Vice Principal reporting to a woman a third your age!”

  Heller swallowed. She stood in silence as her eyes began to well up. Parker had finally struck a major nerve, and the Vice Principal was paralyzed.

  Bill stepped forward. “Alright now, Parker. Maybe we should all cool off.”

  “What are you, Heller’s bodyguard? Why did she even ask you here?” Parker scoffed as she brushed Bill away and got back into Heller’s face. “Maybe it’s because payback’s a bigger bitch than even her!” Parker leaned forward, so she was nose to nose with Heller. “You’re lucky I’m holding back. Because next time, next time you decide to pass judgment on me or my family in anything but a purely academic context? I’ll come at you with both barrels!” Parker cupped her breasts and aimed them at Heller like a shotgun. “How is that for gun control?”

  Heller’s nostrils flared. She remained uncharacteristically silent as she stared straight into Parker’s eyes. The moment felt like an eternity.

  Satisfied, or exhausted, she couldn’t decide which, Parker turned to scan the remaining PTA mothers who gawked at her in abject silence. Her eyes found Joe, who was the only person in the room who appeared remotely comfortable. For the first time, he looked at Parker with a half a smile, smug though it was. “You got something to say, GIJOE?” Parker challenged.

  “No, Ma’am.” He answered softly.

  “Smart.” Parker buttoned her shirt back up and grabbed her laptop off the desk. “Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I’ve got a mother fucking fundraiser to plan.”

  Parker took her leave.

  30.

  “How did it go?”

  Parker repeated Valerie’s question on her cellphone as she marched toward her Highlander in the school parking lot. “I may or may not have lost my shit in there.” Parker over-pronounced her words to remain in control of the adrenaline high that continued to surge through her. Her heart pounded at her chest like a trip hammer.

  “Can you move forward with the fundraiser?” asked Valerie.

  Parker stopped at her car, closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath of the dry evening air. She exhaled. “Yes. The measure passed by one vote.”

  “One vote? That’s amazing!”

  Parker opened her eyes in time to spy Joe walking to his car. “Yeah, it is,” she answered. Out of the periphery she caught Heller emerge from the school’s windowed doors, carrying a black leather briefcase. Her boney little legs carried her at a brisk pace. Parker’s eyes narrowed as she watched Joe look at Heller, who didn’t so much as bother to glance his way. The Vice Principal ignored him as she unlocked her car, climbed in, and drove away, taking a sharp left. “That’s odd.”

  “What’s odd?”

  “Heller just left,” Parker answered, looking at her watch. 8:04pm. “And she’s driving away from her house.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Are you kidding?” Having parked in Heller’s driveway, she was all too familiar with the location just up the road in the opposite direction. In fact, it was a short walk away. Why would Heller feel the need to drive to the PTA meeting at all?

  “Maybe she’s hitting the bar. You’ve turned several people to the bottle over the course of your career.”

  Parker grimaced. She shifted her attention back to Joe who also watched Heller drive off. Is he wondering the same thing? “Listen, Mom, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you when I get home, okay?” Parker didn’t wait for her mother’s goodbye. There was a new zip in her step as she approached Joe. “Joe! Hold on!”

  Joe was just about to open his car door when his head turned toward Parker. He looked up and frowned.

  Out of breath, Parker waved hello. “I didn’t mean to bite your head off in there,” she panted. “And I wanted to thank you.”

  “For what?”

  Parker chuckled. “You know, for helping me pass the measure. And sticking it to Heller. But mostly for passing the measure.”

  Joe scowled. “Ms. Monroe, I didn’t vote the way I did to stick it Heller. And I didn’t do it to help you.”

  Parker eased off the pedal of her enthusiasm. “Okay.”

  “I did it, because it was the right thing to do.”

  “Oh hell, you’re one of those?” joked Parker. Joe wasn’t having it. “Fine, whatever, I’m just trying to say thank you.”

  Joe opened his car door. “Have a good night.”

  “Now, wait a minute,” Parker stepped in front of Joe’s car. “Did I offend you or something? Ever since we met—” Parker couldn’t finish the sentence.

  Joe tapped his finger on the roof of his car. “What?”

  “I don’t know, you’ve been really cold and stand-offish. Normally people only do that after they’ve gotten to know me. So, what gives?”

  “Why do you always think everything is about you?”

  Parker brushed a strand of hair away from her forehead. “I don’t think that.”

  “Then why are we still talking?”

  Because you know something about Heller. And I want to know what it is. “You didn’t have to show up tonight,” retorted Parker. “You’re the only teacher who did. That says something.”

  “What does it say?”

  Parker threw her hands up in the air. “You tell me!”

  Joe sighed exhaustedly. “Why--are you so interested in me?”

  Parker threw her hands on her hips. “Why do you think everything is about you?”

  “Good night.”

  Parker decided to play her ace. “I heard you and Heller arguing in the music room,” she blurted.

  Joe froze.

  “It was the first day of school.”

  Something in Joe’s eyes changed as he glared at Parker. Parker could practically feel the heat radiating off him. “You were--spying on us?”

  “I didn’t mean to. You were arguing. I could hear it down the hall. It sounded—intense.”

  Joe shook his head. “We were simply having a disagreement.”

  “I saw you grab Heller forcefully by the arms.”

  Joe’s eyes began to glisten. His lips drew tight as he stared at the pavement. “Shit,” he muttered. He turned back to Parker. “You saw that? I didn’t mean to -- I apologized. It’s just – sometimes,” he choked on his words as he clenched his fists. “I don’t need to explain this to you. And I don’t have a problem with Heller.”

  “I just want to understand.”

  “You want to understand?” Joe let out a noise that somehow combined an angry grunt with a laugh. “Let’s just say I have hard time taking orders from desk jockeys who care more about the rules of engagement than the safety of their troops.”

  Interesting. Is he talking about Heller? Or Mendez?

  Joe looked to the night’s starry sky in an effort to calm himself. “Listen,” he gulped, trying to hold his emotion back. “I didn’t want to hurt Heller. And I don’t want to be rude. I just don’t trust reporters, okay?”

  “Good thing I’m retired.”

  The comment invited another scornful glare from Joe. “No, Ms. Monroe, you were fired.” He corrected.

  The words shot through Parker’s heart like a hot jagged blade. Shit, are you kidding me? The one guy in this god forsaken town who’s familiar with my work read the one thing I got wrong?

  Parker swallowed. “You’re referring to my story on Senator Hammers.”

  “Come on, that was hardly a story,” Joe scoffed. “You wrote a hit piece that slandered a good man.”

  Joe’s last sentence twisted that same jagged blade deeper into her heart. Parker felt every muscle in her body clench. “A good man? Do you know the senat
or personally? Are you a close friend of his?”

  “No,” answered Joe. “But he’s a former ranger. And he’s always supported us troops. That’s enough for me.”

  Big mistake. “Well, I do know him,” Parker clenched her fists. “I’ve met him. I spent a year researching him. He’s a liar, a cheat and fraud.”

  “That’s funny coming from someone who lost her job over writing a fake headline.”

  Oh—no—you—didn’t. Parker felt her cheeks glowing hot red. “You know what? I don’t want your stupid vote. Take it back.”

  “No way.” Joe slowly shook his head. He allowed himself a small grin, as if finding a satisfaction having turned the tables on Parker. “Are you telling me you would throw all tonight’s work away – just out of spite?”

  Parker remained silent, stewing in her anger.

  “I’m not changing my vote.” Joe declared. “It’s the right thing to do. I guess you’re just going to have to live with that, Ms. Monroe. Good night.”

  Without another word, Joe climbed into his car and drove off.

  Parker closed her eyes.

  Damnit, Joe. I was just starting to like you.

  31.

  “I don’t understand what the big deal is,”

  said Valerie in the chaos of breakfast the next morning. Maddy and Drew maneuvered around their grandmother to pack their lunches as Ally painted her face with scrambled eggs. “Nothing he told you was wrong.”

  “Senator Hammers is a good man?” quoted Parker.

  “Other than that.” Valerie shrugged innocently. “Forget about him. You got the win. Maybe you should focus more on how you’re going to actually pull this fundraiser off.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Parker shooed her mother away. It was hard to argue with Valerie when she was all dolled up like a movie star in her favorite blue sundress for a morning brunch. Valerie simply refused to get riled up about anything before seeing her girlfriends. She had completely revamped her social schedule to take care of Ally every day since school started. Valerie deserved a morning off.