You, Me & the Sea

by Elizabeth Haynes

  No jobs yet but I’ve signed on with an agency that supplies my sister’s accountancy firm – she has put in a good word for me, which helped, I think. Emily is doing well and has grown such a lot. She’s like a different baby. Lucy is a bit wired and stressy but that’s how she reacts to things. She’s going back to work in a few weeks so we are going out for lunch etc while she’s still free. She asked me if I wanted to work as their nanny but I said no. Can you even imagine??

  Anyway. Write back! How are you doing?

  Love,

  Rachel x

  Date: Monday 17 June

  From: Fraser Sutherland

  To: Rachel Long

  Re: Hey, how are you?

  Hi,

  Doing fine thanks. Glad L okay. Hope he’s behaving.

  Julia is doing fine. Doing blogs etc too. Although you should know this since you and her have been emailing.

  Good for you for turning the nanny job down. What a fucking cheek.

  F

  Date: Friday 28 June

  From: Julia Jones

  To: Rachel Long

  Subject: Update

  Hey Rachel,

  How are you doing? How’s the job-hunting?

  Had a very busy week with the birders – there were a couple of them who came a few months ago. They were asking after you. A guy called Steve and one called Hugh. I don’t think they were impressed with my cooking! They kept raving about a lasagne you made, then I used the recipe in the info sheets that I’m guessing was the one you used, and they were commenting that yours was better!! Couldn’t win!!

  F has been talking a bit more. I brought back a bit of the lasagne (!!) and went into the living room and asked him if he wanted some, pretended I’d made too much … so he came and ate with me. Then the next day he made pizza which was really nice. He told me about Lefty – well, told me in a few sentences that he had an assistant here that was a bit unofficial and that he’d gone back with you. You haven’t mentioned this so I know it might be a bit awkward if you and Lefty had a thing going on or something, but I wondered if that might explain him being a bit grumpy??

  So we have made some sort of progress but, you know, he’s still barely speaking and the night after the pizza he went out with Bess and didn’t come back until after I’d gone to bed. No idea where he went. Thought it was to the bird obs but they said they hadn’t seen him all week, seemed a bit huffy about it.

  Otherwise the island is lovely. Did you see my blogs about the terns? Those things are vicious!! The guillemots and razorbill chicks have started to fledge, which is just amazing and terrifying too – the youngsters just launch themselves off the cliff while the adults wait in the sea below and hope they don’t hit too many ledges on the way down! The puffins are all hatched now, too – so cute!

  Love,

  Julia xx

  Date: Friday 28 June

  From: Rachel Long

  To: Julia Jones

  Re: Update

  Hi, Julia,

  That’s hilarious about Steve and Hugh – they were my first lot of birders and they were an absolute nightmare. Although the worst one was Eugene – is he there? I can’t imagine he’d have anything positive to say about me given he complained to Marion! All because I asked him to leave his boots at the door. I’m sure your lasagne was perfectly delicious – I think they just look for things to complain about.

  Good to hear that F is talking (and cooking). Maybe he’s just really missing Lefty. (By the way VERY DEFINITELY nothing going on between me and him.) They had a weird sort of dysfunctional relationship. See if you can get him talking some more? I think it will help him. He’s a good guy really.

  How’s your mum getting on now?

  Love,

  Rachel x

  Date: Friday 28 June

  From: Julia Jones

  To: Rachel Long

  Re: Re: Update

  Dear Rachel,

  Thank you for your lovely email. That is hilarious about Steve and Hugh. There was no Eugene with them but a young guy called Daniel who didn’t say much and another guy called Nathan. They were weird!

  Hope you don’t mind me saying this but I feel like we’re kind of friends now, even if we never got to meet ;) but actually I’m pretty sure Fraser isn’t missing Lefty. I think he’s missing you.

  He’s not said anything but I’m fairly good at picking up on vibes and every time I mention you (and I talk about you A LOT) he goes all prickly and usually walks off. So it’s either that you two hated each other, or the opposite, and from the way you’ve written about him I’m kind of thinking it’s the opposite. Tell me to mind my own business! I’m a bit relieved that I’m not doing anything wrong – I think he’s just finding it hard being here without you. And I think me being here is just reminding him that you’re not, if that makes sense. After three weeks I’d like to think we’d be friends, but I am very doubtful that’s ever going to happen!

  So – sorry if this is too personal. Please do let’s keep in touch. I’m feeling much better about being here generally but you know it’s bloody hard being so far from home.

  You’re so kind to ask about my mum, too. She got signed off from the hospital with a clean bill of health and she’s driving again now. Quite often I phone her in the evenings and she’s out somewhere with friends! She was given the name and address of her donor and wrote her a letter to thank her, and has already had a reply. The whole thing makes me so emotional. Altruistic donations are rare – Mum was incredibly lucky to get one. How do you even begin to thank someone for that?

  Take care,

  Love,

  Julia xx

  Date: Sunday 30 June

  From: Rachel Long

  To: Julia Jones

  Re: Re: Re: Update

  Hi, Julia,

  Well, yes, we did have a sort of thing. He’s a raging commitment-phobe though, so there was no way it was ever going to mean anything to him. I know you might find this hard to believe but underneath all of that hair and attitude he’s really quite a sensitive soul. He doesn’t show his feelings easily which I guess is why he’s behaving so badly towards you. I’m sorry about that because I’m thinking it’s made life so much harder for you on that island than it was for me, and it was hard enough, without having nobody to talk to!! I hope he perks up soon.

  I’m glad your mum is doing so well. I can understand how that’s a bit of a relief and a bit strange at the same time – but I hope being on the island will help you as it helped me. I was in quite a bad way when I arrived. It’s a very special sort of place, the way it carries on regardless, all of this life being created around you, all those different species fitting into their own spaces and doing their own things. You have all the fledgings to look forward to, and the migrations in September and October, and the grey seals breeding – I’ll miss all of that.

  I’m looking forward to you telling me all about it, to be honest. It’s nice hearing about the island even if I’m not on it. And – being honest – about Fraser. I wish he’d cheer up a bit, though.

  Love,

  Rachel x

  Date: Sunday 30 June

  From: Rachel Long

  To: Fraser Sutherland

  Subject: Julia

  Hi, Fraser,

  Thought I should let you know that I told Julia about us (in very vague terms, don’t worry). She thinks you’re missing me. I told her that couldn’t possibly be the case, since you’re so very good at managing your feelings, right? Anyway I don’t think you can be, or you’d call me or write to me sometimes. I think you’re just being a grumpy bugger, which is a shame because Julia is very sweet and genuine, and is trying really hard and I think you should sort yourself out and be nice to her. Or come and visit me. You know the christening is coming up next month and you promised to come with me, right?

  I’m joking. I’m not going to hold you to that.

  Lefty is doing well. He’s signed up with the gardening crew and he has a name badge – he’s ve
ry proud of it. My mother is treating him like the son she never had. I told him I was writing to you and he wants to know how the chickens are doing. And I’d like to know how Bess is, and how you are. So – write back?

  Love

  Rachel x

  Date: Saturday 6 July

  From: Rachel Long

  To: Fraser Sutherland

  Subject: Me again

  Hey,

  You not speaking to me? I’ve sent you texts as well. I’m sorry if I’ve said something wrong. Write back?

  R x

  Date: Sunday 7 July

  From: Rachel Long

  To: Julia Jones

  Subject: Worry

  Hi, Julia,

  How are you doing? How were the last lot of birders? Hope all’s going well.

  Not that I want to be making you into a go-between, but is Fraser okay? I’ve emailed him a couple of times and sent him loads of texts, but he’s stopped replying to me. It might be that he wants to break off contact, and I could sort of understand that if he’s found things tough, but it would be nice to know one way or the other. It would be really good to speak to him on the phone actually, I’ve asked him if he could call, but I know there’s no point in me phoning him as he never once answered the phone when I was there.

  Things are okay here. I’ve got a temporary job working for an estate agency, which has been brilliant. I love it but it’s so exhausting, I’m worn out every night. No idea how I managed walking miles around the island! I’m suddenly really unfit.

  Mel has been telling me about your exploits in your uni days. I hope one day we can all get together and have a night out.

  Bye for now and take care,

  Rachel x

  Date: Saturday 13 July

  From: Julia Jones

  To: Rachel Long

  Re: Worry

  Hey Rachel,

  Have you heard from Fraser? I told him to get in touch with you. He just mumbled something about getting around to it and walked off. I’m afraid we haven’t made a whole lot of progress!

  The last lot of birders were nice, two really lovely couples called Helen and Karen and Mike and Lindsay. They haven’t been before, they were on a birding holiday rather than with one of the orn ithology groups. Fraser was grumbling about them not completing the bird logs properly, since they hadn’t done anything like that before, but I managed to persuade him to help them with the count on their second day and after that they did a brilliant job. They logged the first kittiwake fledgling and the first fulmar chick. I think he was expecting them to abandon the bird logs altogether but they were really enthusiastic about it. They were even doing some ringing on their last day. Talk about a working holiday!

  Karen is an environmental health officer although she wasn’t here to do an inspection (!). Turns out that the person you spoke to at the council – Ellie? – recommended the island to her and she booked it accordingly. Funny where you get the business from, eh? Anyway since you told me all about Ellie in your handover email I thought you’d like to know. (Still haven’t had an inspection, and Karen says she doesn’t think we’ve got anything to worry about.)

  Congrats on the job!! That sounds great. Bit of a change from cooking suppers and falling down puffin burrows, I bet – no wonder you’re tired!!

  Love,

  Julia xx

  Date: Saturday 13 July

  From: Rachel Long

  To: Julia Jones

  Re: Re: Worry

  No I haven’t heard from Fraser! I don’t think he’s talking to me. :(

  Is he okay though?

  Date: Sunday 14 July

  From: Julia Jones

  To: Rachel Long

  Re: Re: Re: Worry

  I’d like to be able to say he is okay but actually I’m not sure he is – definitely not sleeping – heard him crashing around in the kitchen at 4 a.m. I spoke to him this morning and he says he’s thinking about leaving. Then he went out for the day and I haven’t seen him since.

  I mean, I don’t want to worry you, I’m sure he’s fine. I’ve told him he should call you!

  Let me know if you hear from him? I’ll keep trying to talk to him my end.

  J xx

  16 July 11:42

  Hi, Fraser. I haven’t heard from you :( and I really need to talk to you. Could you phone me pls? Xxxx

  16 July 12:50

  Hi, Fraser, I left you a really short voicemail, I know you hate answering the phone and honestly I’m not calling to have a go at you. Please call me back. Xxx

  16 July 19:25

  Okay so I think you’re probably having dinner or something. I’m hoping your phone might be out of battery or you’ve left it somewhere. PLEASE call. Lefty is fine, in case you’re worried. I’m going to try again in an hour. Xxx

  Date: Wednesday 17 July

  From: Rachel Long

  To: Julia Jones

  Subject: Can I phone?

  Dear Julia,

  I know this might sound out of the blue but could I have your number? Something’s happened and I really need to talk to F. What I’d actually like to do is call you, and for Fraser to be somewhere nearby so you can hand the phone to him – is that possible, do you think? I’ve put my number below, or let me know yours so I can call?

  Thank you!

  Love,

  Rachel x

  Date: Thursday 18 July

  From: Julia Jones

  To: Rachel Long

  Re: Can I phone?

  Hey Rachel,

  I’m glad the two of you got to have a proper conversation last night – I hope it helped. We had a chat afterwards and I got the gist of things. He’s very quiet again today but don’t worry, I’ll talk to him. I’ll call you later with an update, okay?

  Take care,

  Love,

  Julia xx

  14

  Family

  Rachel

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Mel asks.

  ‘A bit queasy, since you ask.’

  ‘You look gorgeous, honestly,’ Mel says.

  Rachel is facing her, wearing a navy cotton dress, strappy sandals. ‘I have no clue what people wear to christenings.’

  ‘You should have asked Lucy,’ Mel says. ‘I’m sure she’d have picked an outfit for you.’

  ‘Fuck that.’

  ‘I’m joking!’

  ‘Just don’t. Where’s Lefty?’

  ‘Downstairs – he’s fine.’

  They face each other for a moment. Yes, Rachel thinks, it’s fine, even though it isn’t really, but she will have to pretend it is.

  Lefty has no real desire to go to Emily’s christening, and who can blame him? But, since he is now part of the family, his feelings no longer come into it.

  Emily is beautiful: so much bigger, smiling and grabbing things and drooling everywhere, sitting up on her own. She looks like Lucy. Rachel had said as much, when Emily had been handed over to her with very little preamble. ‘God, Luce, she really looks like you.’

  ‘You think?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘Well, I guess she’s got Ian’s colouring – if she’d had red hair she’d look more like you, right?’

  ‘Yeah, thank God she’s not a ginger, eh?’

  Lucy has lost weight, gained shadows under her eyes, is a wee bit obsessive about things and tense and tired – but then she’s just about to go back to work, even if it’s just three days a week to start with. Emily is going to go to a nursery, has just had her first taster morning, during the course of which she napped and had a bottle and produced two dirty nappies. Rachel wonders if things would have been easier or harder for Lucy if she hadn’t gone to the island at all, and decides that her presence here in those early months would have made everything a million times worse.

  Not that everything’s been easy for Rachel, either. Far from it. The last week has been particularly challenging.

  She has told Mel all about it, of course. Everything. Mel has been party to Julia’s emails
back and forth, and more recently to the phone calls. Thank heavens for Julia, and for Mel. Between the two of them, Rachel feels an overwhelming sense of love and support, something she badly needs right now.

  When she’s on her own, of course, it’s a different matter. That phone call with Fraser had been difficult, to say the least. Trying to get him to talk. He had said he needed to think. And now she can’t get him out of her head – wondering if he’s ever going to speak to her again; wondering if he misses her, if he wishes she could have stayed. Some nights it’s all she can do to stop herself from going online and booking a train north, but, so far, she has resisted.

  Now it’s been ten days since that phone conversation. The silence from his end must mean he has thought about it all and made a decision, and that that’s it. In which case all she can do is respect his silence, and try her hardest to move on.

  From the bottom of the stairs, Lefty shouts up. ‘You coming? Taxi’s outside. You’re gonnae be late.’

  Fraser

  Fraser is still undecided about the christening. He’s thought about it, he knows where it is, but the idea of turning up, confronting Rachel in front of her entire family, is just a bit too much to contemplate.