Love Life

by Nancy Peach

  “You deserve a treat sometimes,” Tess said, “and I’m not having any arguments. Just consider it payback for all the support you’ve given me over the years, all those hours of extra shifts at the garage and the off-licence to get me through medical school. Basically, these shoes are just interest on your initial investment.”

  “Don’t be daft, love. Seeing you graduate was reward enough. All the strappy heels in the world couldn’t compete with that.” Her mum reached into the bag and opened the shoe-box a fraction, smiling at the contents. “Although, they are proper classy, aren’t they? Like that fella said. Silly bugger going on about me pins.”

  “Well. They are pretty hot for a woman your age – or even half your age, it would appear.”

  “Thank you, pet.” She squeezed Tess’s hand. “And that new top looked lovely on you too,” she indicated the carrier-bag on her daughter’s shoulder. “Although I did wonder if it was a bit low around the neck-line? A bit revealing? You’ll probably be after a little scarf or a cardie or something to go with it.”

  Tess sighed. She knew where this was heading. “Maybe you’re right, Mam. Anyway, let’s get back and see if Jake’s home yet.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Jake arrived later that afternoon, bringing his new girlfriend, Rini, with him. He introduced her shyly, with a hand pressed in the small of her back, prompting her forward as if he were displaying a new prized possession. Tess was thrilled to see him and greeted Rini with equal warmth. Jake’s girlfriends had previously arrived in the house with no ceremony at all, so this was clearly someone special. She managed to get some time to chat with her brother on his own whilst Rini helped their mum prepare dinner. They made their way out to the lean-to, optimistically referred to as the conservatory, pulling the door shut tight behind them, which was as close to privacy as anyone ever got in this house.

  “So,” Tess squeezed up next to him on the wicker sofa. “Rini seems nice? Is she the one you were talking about on the phone?”

  “Few weeks back? Yeah. I didn’t really know whether she were into me at that point.”

  “And she is?”

  He smiled. “Obviously. How could she not be?”

  “Fair point. You are a gorgeous human being.”

  “Exactly.”

  “You’re pretty taken with her as well? It’s nice.”

  “Glad you approve.”

  Tess turned awkwardly in the tight space and looked at her brother. “I do. Mam seems to like her too.”

  “She’s always been okay about whoever I brought back. Never that fussed. As long as they weren’t too rough like. Not like that Karen, d’you remember her?”

  “God yeah. She was a belter, wasn’t she? I was bloody terrified of her.” She sat back in her seat to face the window and the broken fence beyond. “D’you remember that time she tried to teach me how to put make-up on and I looked like a prostitute?”

  Jake smiled. “Well, that were what Mam said. You looked all right really. She just weren’t used to seeing you with a bit of lippy on.” He stretched his arms above his head and yawned expansively. “D’you know, that were the only time I ever saw Karen be a bit gentle with anyone. I think she felt sorry for you, shut up in here with your baggy jumpers and your books, like.”

  Tess looked back at her brother. “God, that’s depressing.”

  “No, she just didn’t get it. Didn’t know why you weren’t out there knocking back vodkas in Yates’s with your mates.”

  “I didn’t have any mates.”

  “That’s not true. You did. They were just all a bit like you.”

  “What? Square and minging?” She smiled.

  “No, don’t be daft, I didn’t mean that. I meant, more interested in school than in drinking and lads, like.”

  Tess gave a short laugh. “Well, being interested in lads wasn’t really an option, was it? Far as Mam was concerned.”

  “No. You’re right.” He stretched his legs out with a sigh. “Sometimes I think she were bang out of order.”

  “What for?”

  “Well, the way she had different rules for me and you. I know I were older, but she were totally mental about you, fretting about keeping you away from trouble, and you were, like, no trouble at all, ever. Always the golden girl you, with your exams and your doctoring and that.” There was a trace of bitterness in his voice.

  “I didn’t ask to be wrapped in cotton wool, Jake. It wasn’t easy actually.”

  “I know. Ignore me. I’m never sure who should be more pissed off about it, me or you.” He peered over her head into the kitchen to ensure that their mum was immersed in conversation with Rini and not eavesdropping.

  Tess wrinkled up her nose in consideration, remembering her struggle, and indeed failure, to navigate the sexual politics of her school days under their mother’s watchful eye while Jake had been at liberty to exploit his charms, drawing girls to him like moths to a flame. She had always been jealous of his freedom, but could also see that their mother’s unequal treatment of her children could have led Jake to believe that she just didn’t care as much about him.

  “I’ve not really thought about it,” she said honestly, “or at least, not until today. Something Mam said when we were out shopping reminded me.”

  “What about?”

  “You know, clothes and that. You’re right – I suppose it was pretty claustrophobic when I was living here, but once I got out it was easier.”

  “I guess you must have really needed to get away.”

  “Maybe. Coming home for holidays and that, sometimes it’d trigger it all off again. I’d not ever mention boyfriends, or nights out and stuff. It was like my other life.” She looked thoughtful. “But I never resented her for it, I don’t think.”

  “No. You’re too nice to think a bad thing about anyone, you.”

  “That’s certainly not true. You should see what I used to write in my diary about you.”

  “I’ve seen it. Used to read it all the time. It were always right boring.”

  “Hey! That was private.” She shoved him hard, laughing, and her mum looked up from inside the kitchen, distracted by the noise. Jake was still chuckling to himself.

  “Mate, sorry but it was! Proper tedious. In fact, only good bits in it were when you were slagging me off.”

  “You are so bloody annoying!” She threw a cushion at him just as Rini knocked on the window and gestured them inside. “We will continue this. Later.”

  Much as Tess was inclined to shrug off Jake’s comments, something about the idea of her mum keeping her away from boys stuck in her head. Jake was right; she’d never been allowed to wear make-up or pluck her monstrous eyebrows. Even shaving her legs had had to be done in secret, her mother’s argument about the hazards of razors sounding somewhat hollow when she allowed Jake to wield his blade with impunity, despite his “beard” at the age of fourteen amounting to little more than a few strands of fluff. The more that Tess thought about it, the more the spectacular lack of gender equality in their household rankled, and by the time her mum’s friends, Viv and Gina, had arrived there was a low level of tension in her jaw and the feeling of being on edge had returned. She tried to ignore the sensation and to enjoy being at home surrounded by her family but she knew she was being a little oversensitive and Viv’s bragging about her new grandchild didn’t help.

  “So, you’re still single then, are you, love?” she asked Tess. Viv’s features were small and squashed in her pale, doughy face; she had always looked like an underbaked Cornish pasty, but the years of weight gain had made it worse. “Of course, that was what yer mother always wanted though, weren’t it?” She nodded in her mum’s direction, “Always thought you were summat special. Too good for settling down with someone from round here.”

  Tess was feeling an irritating twitch near her eye that suddenly reminded her of Edward Russell.

  “I don’t know, Viv, I think Mam just wanted me to have options, not be stuck with babies like she was.”
She smiled thinly but there was an edge to her voice and Gina looked over in concern. Gina had been her mum’s friend since they were teenagers and had always treated Tess like the daughter she’d never had. If anyone was alert to uncharacteristic behaviour, it was her, and she followed the conversation with a wary curiosity as Viv blundered on regardless.

  “Yeah, but she doesn’t know how special it is to have grandchildren,” she said. “I’ve been so blessed, and our Kayleigh’s made up to have a little girl now after the three boys. They’re all angels of course, but so nice to finally have a little princess too.”

  Gina raised her eyebrows so high up her forehead, Tess thought they might just fall off. It seemed that Viv’s grandsons were anything but angelic, and the idea of having four children by the age of twenty-six was frankly terrifying, but Tess forced a conciliatory tone. “You’re right Viv. You must be proper proud.”

  Her mum piped up from the other side of the table. “She’s still got to qualify as a GP yet, Viv. She’ll not be wanting babies to slow her down until then.”

  Jake caught Tess’s eye. He gave her a knowing nod as if to say, See? She still wants final say on what you do with your ovaries. She pulled a face back at him and rose to clear the plates.

  “I’ve just got to go and check something on my phone,” she said quietly to her mum, who looked up from her conversation with Rini.

  “Oh, that’s fine love,” she said loud enough for Viv to hear. “Are you expecting a call from work?” She shook her head, smiling, and looked across the table.

  “It never stops, being a doctor and all. Everyone wants a piece of her. I’m so glad that she’s doing something important with her life though, really fulfilled her potential. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  Viv pursed her mouth up, looking more liked the crimped edge of a pasty than ever as she felt the sting of the retort.

  Tess knew that the pair of them could carry on like this all night. She left them to it and climbed the creaking plywood stairs up to her old bedroom. Despite being surrounded by people, she suddenly felt very alone, and seeing Jake’s easy intimacy with Rini made it worse. She missed having a partner, someone to keep an eye on her during evenings out, someone to plan trips away with, to join in the small triumphs and disasters of daily life. And particularly at the moment, the argument with Edward still fresh in her mind, she needed someone to share things with and distract her. Kath had been right; there wasn’t anything much going on in her life outside of work, and therefore if her job was not going well, there was little else to fall back on.

  Viv’s comments had wound her up and the television host was in her ear again. She had the impression he’d been building up his routine.

  “Humble beginnings!” he said. “Nothing to be ashamed of, folks.”

  Tess took a large gulp of her wine, the acidic taste of the cheap chardonnay stinging the back of her throat. The host was getting into his stride.

  “As always, it’s lovely to have one of our favourite guests on the show… drum roll… Tess! Or Dr Carter as she’s known now. How very la-di-da! All these airs and graces!”

  He paused for dramatic effect. “But we know where she came from, don’t we, folks? That’s right! The rough side of town!” Another pause. “And it’s a pretty rough town to begin with!”

  The audience chuckled appreciatively as the host settled into fond reminiscing mode. “And she’ll always be fat, geeky little Tess to us, won’t she? Raised on benefits…” another pause “and chips by the look of her!”

  The audience started to chant, “Benefits and Chips! Benefits and Chips!” but he hushed them. He was on a roll.

  “Mum’s been on the show before of course, one of our best features: ‘Up the duff at nineteen by a Yardie who left me!’”

  The audience clapped and cheered but the host lowered his voice again. “And that’s where the problem all started isn’t it, Dr Carter?” he hissed. “Once your mum’s been on the show it’s only a matter of time before you end up here. Doesn’t matter how much you polish your accent, how many diplomas and degrees you get. If the tree’s rotten to begin with then so is all the fruit. Can’t escape it. It’s what we’re all about. Family.” The volume increased again. “What’s this show all about? Come on, everybody!”

  “FAMILY!” the audience shouted in unison.

  Tess knew she was not in the right frame of mind to be drinking alcohol this quickly. The rational part of her brain told her she needed to get back downstairs and force herself into a more sociable mood. The other part of her brain, where the television host lurked, was intent on self-punishment. She began to scroll through her phone, initially just checking her messages and alerts for anything new but then delving deeper until she was scouring her social media networks for news about Scott.

  She had unfriended him from her own accounts as soon as his status had changed from “In a relationship with Tess Carter” to “In a relationship with Luke Foster” – the speed with which he shrugged her off had almost been more upsetting than the betrayal itself. But on nights such as these she couldn’t maintain the discipline, and trawled the internet for painful reminders of her past life and what could have been. Because even though she was no longer friends with Scott Wickham, it didn’t mean all of their shared acquaintances had lost contact with him; in fact, many of their mutual friends had surprised her by taking his side. She didn’t mind the lack of support, didn’t expect them to shun Scott out of respect for her feelings, but she hadn’t expected them to revel in it all quite so much either. When she looked back, most of these individuals had been more Scott’s friends than hers from the beginning. They had tolerated her in their social circle but didn’t feel an enormous sense of obligation to rally round when it all fell apart. She continued to keep in touch in a limited capacity on social media, but she had deliberately withdrawn from the group’s activities when it became apparent that she was no longer an established member, and probably never had been.

  It was these people who had the most recent photos of Scott on their Instagram accounts, his handsome face caught seemingly unawares, raising a glass to his lips, dancing exuberantly in a club, or draping his muscular arm around an equally handsome Luke. It was irritating how good-looking they were as a couple; Tess was sure there were no photos like that of her and Scott in existence.

  She had just stumbled on a recent shot of the two men hand-in-hand on the beach of a Balearic Island with a caption that read “Mr and Mr Wickham-Foster?” surrounded by heart emojis. Her face was screwed up in concentration as she tried to process whether this was indeed evidence that Scott was now engaged, or possibly even already married. Jane Austen’s voice was suddenly audible.

  “Well!” She was clearly angry. “All I can say is that he has used a fine young lady most abominably ill and I wish with all my soul that his new husband will plague his heart out!”

  Tess smiled at her narrator’s uncharacteristically feisty tone and was trying to establish exactly how she would feel about Scott getting married, when she heard a thud on the landing. The door creaked open to reveal Jake holding the half empty bottle of Viv’s wine. He crossed to Tess in a single stride – the combination of minimal floorspace and his long legs meant he could traverse the house in a couple of steps. Seeing the picture on her phone his eyebrows creased in drunken concern.

  “What you playing at, Tess?” He seemed unable to articulate any further and squeezed his large frame onto the floor beside her, lifting the phone out of her hands and skimming it across the carpet out of reach.

  “Why are you wasting your time looking at pictures of that loser?” he asked, shaking his head in disgust. “He were a total prick. You are so much better off without him.”

  Tess raised her glass of wine into the air between them. “I know,” she said. She finished the drink off with a long swig and poured another. “But, loser or not, it seems he may have discovered matrimonial bliss far earlier than I’m going to.”

  Jake scrun
ched up his nose and made a derisory noise. “Well, sod him. No really, Tess. He were a prick even before you caught him in bed with someone else. He were never good enough for you. He didn’t treat you well even before he cheated.” He turned to face her. “Do you remember that time he forgot your birthday and then made out like you were just being a massive whinger for mentioning it? Or when he took the piss out of Mam for listening to reggae, like she weren’t allowed to because she’s white?”

  He took a swig straight from the bottle. “And that time he couldn’t be arsed to come to Granny’s funeral because he had some grime thing he needed to DJ at instead?”

  “Oh yeah!” The memory registered with Tess. “Like he was Stormzy and the music world might collapse if he didn’t lay down his tracks!”

  “Jesus. Even I’d forgotten what a twat he was. I’ll tell you what, good luck to his new husband if that’s what he is – there’s not many lads who’d put up with that sort of bollocks.”

  “No. You’re probably right.”

  “Tessie, you don’t need to be spending your evenings rose-tinting that crappy relationship. You need a new bloke, someone who’ll be good to you.”

  Tess leant into him, pondering for a moment. She had forgotten some of those incidents, and actually Jake was right; there had been times in the past when Scott had taken her for granted, made comments that were less than complimentary about her family, her clothes, her appearance, even the money she was bringing into the house to subsidise some of his more expensive habits. He had often implied that she was deliberately making him feel guilty for not earning as much as her. The idea of finding someone who might support and value her as an equal was appealing. She rested her head against her brother’s side; the warm bulk of his arm felt comforting.