Perfect Ten

by Jacqueline Ward

  Katy is still very quiet, and I know that her internal dialogue has taken over, just as it did with me. Sunday is the day Jack used to pick up Charlie and Laura, and is no doubt the day he usually gets Jamie. I was so busy rehearsing what I would say to him, and how I would fit everything in to meet his demands, that I could go days without talking to anyone. My office door, which used to be open, was firmly shut. I’d make lists and tick them off in work time. I had a special calendar on my phone, on which I marked off all the aspects of his life that he told me about when he dropped the kids off – just in case I needed to take them into account.

  He demanded that he was the centre of everything, and now the same thing is going on here. Katy sits down and I broach the subject.

  ‘Want to talk about it?’

  She half smiles, but it’s flat.

  ‘Is it that obvious?’

  I’m so used to hating everyone, the dubious mistrust that Jack lulled me into, that I’m finding it hard to say what I need to. But I have to. I bite the bullet.

  ‘Yeah, it is. Look, Katy, things aren’t easy for either of us. We both need some time to process this. But I can help you. Or even just be here for you. I wanted revenge, but, you know, it’s in the past. For me. But if you don’t want to …’

  She picks Jamie up and he begins to fall asleep on her lap. She waits until he’s dropped off then lies the cute little man down beside her on the sofa.

  ‘I told him he couldn’t see Jamie until further notice. I’m worried what he’s going to do now.’

  ‘What can he do? He’s not really in a position to do anything. He’s threatening to sue everyone on Twitter. What can he do?’

  She looks surprised.

  ‘But I feel like I’m in danger. Like he’s holding all the cards.’

  That’s how I felt. I remember yesterday’s revelation, Paula telling me I was still invested, and give Katy the benefit of it.

  ‘Of course you do. That’s how he’s trained you. It’s classical conditioning. He’s got you believing that he’s right and rewarding you with things that he should be doing as a matter of fucking course.’ I look at Jamie. ‘Sorry. Sorry about the language. I can’t help it. I’m just … just … angry.’

  She pauses and I think she’s going to close up, but she doesn’t.

  ‘So, that guy – the one who was arrested for the pictures. Who is he?’

  It has to come out sometime and while she’s asking me about this she’s not asking about Jack’s exes and what I’ve done to them.

  ‘Some guy who’s been following me.’

  I don’t add that I think Jack sent him. I’m saving that one. She whistles low.

  ‘Bloody hell. What are the odds?’

  I consider her throw-away comment. Quite high, actually. At the high, or low, point of my out-of-control drinking I slept with quite a few men. That could be ten men. Then there were the majority I didn’t sleep with but just used to validate myself. I suddenly feel very sad. What happened to the Caroline who respected herself? Who would avoid flirting like the plague? But out of those men, the chances of meeting someone who had, say, borderline personality disorder, is pretty high.

  ‘Yeah, I suppose. But I was out of control. That’s not the real me.’

  She nods and sips her coffee.

  ‘I know. Jack talked a lot about you.’

  ‘Did he? How strange.’

  ‘Yeah. He talked about all his exes. He was quite cruel, really.’ She’s wringing her chapped hands now and staring at them. I see a tear fall. ‘He marked them all out of ten. You were a ten. There was only one other ten. I was an eight. It really upset me.’

  I hold in my temper. It’s difficult but I need to keep calm. Something inside me ignites.

  ‘So what else did he say about me?’

  ‘Just that you and he were over and that you’d told him that you wouldn’t sleep with him any more.’ She hesitates and I can see she’s suffering. Then she lets me into the real state of her psyche. ‘So … were you still sleeping with him? I mean, were you still together?’

  I want to shake her and I want to hug her at the same time. She still hasn’t realised fully what’s going on. Instead, I answer her gently.

  ‘Yes, we were still together. We were still sleeping together. He was still living with me.’

  ‘But …’

  ‘I know. He was living here. He was telling us both that he was on business trips. And after he left me, he was telling that to Louise Shaw.’

  She’s staring at me incredulously.

  ‘The whole time?’

  Her bottom lip is shaking and I want to lean over and hug her, but I remember that she knew all about me. That’s she’s been in my house. Fed my children. I push my own conflicting feelings away and I do it anyway. I’ve been warming to her and Jamie. He’s a little love and, although I’ve resisted it, I have to admit he’s so much like Charlie and Laura. I finally acknowledge that Katy and Jamie are in my future, a permanent fixture.

  ‘Yes. The whole time. What did he tell you when he brought you to my house? That it was all a set-up? That it was over long ago? Because it wasn’t. He lied and he lied fucking good. But I knew, really, somewhere inside, that he wasn’t really there. That part of him was always somewhere else. And you do too, if you’re honest with yourself.’

  We sit in silence, me beside her now. Her eyes scan the surfaces as she mentally counts the cleaning processes she has to go through, then she remembers that she told him not to come.

  ‘Do you think he’ll still come for Jamie?’

  ‘It wouldn’t surprise me. But don’t worry, I’ll keep out of the way. It won’t go down too well if I’m here.’

  I worry for a second that him coming here will invoke the injunction so near to Tuesday. But I know him. He won’t come. He’ll be too busy covering his tracks.

  ‘No, no. It doesn’t matter now. I’m not letting Jamie go. If he calls the police, let him. As well as everything you’ve said, there’s the stuff on the TV. I’ve sent my solicitor an email and he said to tell Jack to contact him. Not to get involved.’

  I look at her. She’s trying to dredge up strength, do what’s right for Jamie.

  ‘I’ll help you. We can do this together.’

  After lunch we sit at the kitchen table and look at the Facebook and Twitter messages. There are thousands of them now. All from people who have been lied to, cheated on and exposed for the #cheatingbastards they really are. Yes, I’ll be friends with Katy; she’s a lovely, warm woman who’s been taken in. That’s all. She never meant to hurt me. If I keep telling myself that I will believe it eventually, instead of the conditioned playing off against each other. Because this is the truth, not Jack’s truth.

  The time passes when he would have turned up and he’s a no-show. Katy is nervous and Jamie is asking where Daddy is. Isn’t he coming today? When she says no, he asks if he can phone him. Then he tells Katy very earnestly that he was going to have dinner with Charlie and Laura and they’ll get his pudding. That Charlie wants to play football with him.

  My heart is breaking. All these children, blissfully unaware of their father’s failings. Not understanding why Mummy is so sad. All I can do is make this right again for them as best I can.

  I panic as I realise that all this is public knowledge and for ever. Will my children see it? Will my parents? I quickly Google my own name to see if I’ve been implicated in the Peter Daubney case yet.

  I haven’t. But it’s news – the Premier Inn robberies, anyway. I read about Allan Parrott, a loner who has previous convictions for stalking. How the common link between Brian Patterson and Peter Daubney is ‘a woman they both knew’. Thankfully, it doesn’t say ‘ex-wife of the man at the centre of the #allgirlstogether #cheatingbastard viral’.

  I can’t help but look up what’s being reported about Jack. I search his name and there are various appeals for privacy from his solicitor and a denial that he had anything to do with it. Another ex has obvious
ly sold her story to a tabloid and she’s posing in an animal-print bikini. The incredible thing is that, save some references to Jack Atkinson’s wife, I haven’t been named.

  Katy sits beside me. Jamie’s gone off to his gran’s in case Jack turns up and there’s any unpleasantness. At least Katy’s got her mum on her side. She looks tired but I can’t resist.

  ‘So he marked us all out of ten, did he?’

  ‘Yeah. It was as if he wanted to make me suffer. He always told me how you were ‘the best he ever had’. He told me that after Laura was born you went off sex. That’s why he turned to other women. He used to go through them and describe them. It was awful. It made me feel like I had to try harder. To be honest, if I hadn’t got pregnant I would have ended it. But he begged me not to. And you know the rest.’

  I feel a strange elation that I am a ten. But Katy said that there was another ten. My rational self knows it’s all bollocks but it’s gnawing at me. Who is the other fucking ten? I go through the journal, scanning my memory for another ten out of fucking perfect ten. The flash drive is hot in my hand but I daren’t look at it. Not here. It doesn’t make sense, unless this has affected me so deeply that it’s still some kind of validation. She continues.

  ‘I suppose I got used to it. The only thing that bothered me was that he kept going on about this particular woman. It was as if he … I don’t know … loved her. All the others he just laughed at. But her … I could tell she was different.’

  I’m inexplicably seething again, but I push it down. Don’t rise to it, Caroline. Be strong.

  ‘Loved her?’

  ‘Yeah. He kind of worshipped her. Always saying how pretty she was, what a good heart she had. How he met her ages ago and he kept going back to her. The rest he called sluts and tramps. But his eyes changed when he talked about her. He gave her a—’

  She doesn’t finish because there’s a loud knock on the door. We both jump up and Katy runs to the window. My heart thumps in my chest.

  ‘Is it him? Is it Jack?’

  Is it? Will we finally meet face to face? After all this time?

  She opens the door slowly, but it isn’t Jack. It’s a plain-clothes detective and two uniformed policemen.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  He’s gunning for me. I can tell. He’s staring at me and his head isn’t tilted to one side in a sympathetic stance like DS Percy. Katy invites them in, but they don’t move.

  ‘DI John Ball.’ He flashes his ID. ‘I’d like you to come down to the station, Caroline. Just to answer some questions.’

  I swallow hard. This isn’t all friendly like before. He’s deadly serious.

  ‘Am I under arrest?’

  ‘No. Just some questions. At this point.’

  ‘What’s this about? I haven’t done anything wrong.’

  I think I see the mouth of one of the accompanying policemen twitch. He’s probably heard all this before.

  ‘Let’s just go to the station, shall we?’

  I grab my jacket and my car keys. But he shakes his head.

  ‘No. You can come with us.’

  They’re in a police car. DS Percy’s little car is nowhere to be seen. We get in, him in the front and me in the back with one of the policemen. No one makes conversation on the way there. He’s checking his phone and texting the whole way.

  When we get there, he takes me through the custody entrance and into a small room. I can see the coffee machine at the end of the corridor.

  ‘Can I grab a coffee?’

  He doesn’t look at me.

  ‘Won’t take long. You can get one then.’

  We go in the room and I expect us to be joined by someone else, but he shuts the door. He doesn’t switch on the recorder and he doesn’t ask me to sit down. Instead, he leans on his hands on the table.

  ‘Right, I’m giving you one chance here. Where’s Emma?’ I start to open my mouth to protest but he carries on. ‘No one’s seen her since yesterday and she’s been reported missing.’

  I shake my head.

  ‘Emma who?’

  He moves closer to me. His teeth are gritted. The door opens and DS Percy comes in and stands behind him. She speaks now.

  ‘It really would be for the best if you told me everything. Right now. This is serious enough as it is, but I need to know where Emma is.’

  I sit down, lean back and fold my arms.

  ‘Why don’t you ask Jack? This is his business, not mine. Ask Jack about Emma, whoever she is. Because I’m fed up of having all this blamed on me.’

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Emma Parsons. I hadn’t even got to her. I had a quick look but I couldn’t find a Facebook profile. But Jack knew she was next in the journal.

  I’m shaking now, but I have to hold it together.

  ‘I thought this would be about the Peter Daubney case. Don’t you want to interview me about that?’

  She shakes her head.

  ‘No. We’ve got your statement. You need to get a solicitor. They’ll handle that side of things. But this, Caroline … I know it’s you. I know it. And in some ways I don’t blame you for what you’ve done. But if you’ve hurt her—’

  ‘I haven’t hurt anyone. I’m the injured party here. I’m the one who’s been hurt.’

  ‘So you thought you’d get revenge. OK. But just tell me what happened with Emma.’

  I think. It would be so easy to admit everything. To tell her what I did to all these women. As if it isn’t obvious. And how I regret it now. But I don’t know anything about Emma Parsons. Then something inside me shifts. Is this his finale? How I’m going to be damned for ever?

  ‘I want to make a phone call. I want to call my solicitor. Am I under arrest?’

  DI Ball opens the door and it bangs against the wall.

  ‘Be my guest. I’ll be here waiting.’

  I walk up the corridor and I’m already dialling. I hear the ringing at the other end and then Katy’s voice.

  ‘Hello?’

  I’ve got a one-track mind. My vision has narrowed to a tiny red dot and I spit out the words.

  ‘Who was the other ten?’

  She’s silent.

  ‘Caroline?’

  ‘It’s me, Katy. Yes, Caroline.’

  ‘Why are you shouting? What on earth is wrong?’

  ‘Who was the other ten?’ She pauses. I’m losing it. The room is spinning and people at either side of me are in curved vision. ‘Who was the other fucking ten? Was it Emma? Was it?’

  I realise that I’m screaming and my voice is echoing around the vast 1970’s entrance hall.

  ‘Yes. Someone called Emma. Yes. He gave her a ten. Why? What’s going on?’

  I can’t breathe. He gave her an eight in the journal. Why would he lie, even to himself? I can’t comprehend it. Then I remember what Paula said. Of course he’d fucking lie. His whole life is a lie. But what has she got that I haven’t? No. No. Don’t get drawn back in. Something has clearly happened to her and I think about how I can reasonably deal with this. It feels like the walls are closing in.

  Think, Caroline. If you admit everything now, that’s the end of any contact with the kids. Jack will be right. I’ll be crazy. If I don’t say anything, there’s a woman missing and they think it’s me. Oh my God. Has he planned this?

  Then there’s her own actions to think about. She was the one. Like Katy said. He loved her. Kept going back to her. She knew all along about me.

  Knowing what I know now, I expect he told her that it was all but over between us. Still, who did she say she was to Charlie and Laura? Daddy’s friend? Bullshit. I want a cigarette even though I don’t smoke. Both #cheatingbastards, Jack and Emma. They’re in it together, still. She isn’t a regretful ex, like Paula said. I should have known.

  I push the coins into the coffee machine with shaking hands and wait for the clunk of the cup. Everything is amplified and my vision is extra sharp. Fear can do that to you. I take the steaming cup and get another one for Lorraine and DI Ball. I h
urry back down the corridor and open the door.

  ‘Can’t get hold of him. But I got this for you.’

  They’re staring at me. Arms folded. DI Ball speaks.

  ‘So?’

  ‘Like I said, I don’t know where she is.’

  ‘OK, have it your way.’ DS Percy gets up and opens the door. ‘You’re free to leave. But don’t blame me when we’re arresting you. You’ve had your chance.’

  I look at my coffee, steaming in front of me. DS Percy’s not looking at me. She’s staring at the floor, livid.

  ‘You know I just want my kids back, don’t you?’

  She nods ever so slightly and pulls the door to.

  ‘I do. That day when I told you about your daughter, I felt sorry for you. I thought you’d got the rough end of the bargain. Involved in the Peter Daubney thing with the photos, and that. But this. A woman missing. An innocent woman. I’m trying to help you here, but you’ve got to help me.’

  Is she trying to help me? Or is she trying to get me to admit it so she can arrest me? I just don’t know. Lorraine has softened a little.

  ‘Look. You can still save yourself. Nothing bad will happen. You’d be charged and then bailed. It’s a crime of passion and you’d probably get community service.’

  It’s tempting. But then I would look weak. I’d never be able to address my issues again. And I’d never get to see my kids. And I’d always be as scared as I am now. And there’s the small matter that this is probably another way that Jack is trying to get at me. Make me accuse him, then Emma magically appears. Frame me so I look mad. No. It isn’t going to happen like this. DS Percy opens the door again.

  ‘OK, have it your way. But you’re getting yourself into trouble, Caroline. More trouble than before.’

  I hurry out of the station and onto the front concourse. I’m still seeing red but I manage to call myself a cab. I scrabble around in my handbag and finally find my house keys. I watch as the town turns to the suburbs and the tidy town houses dot the edges of the avenues.

  My mind is clouded by the realisation that Emma is the one. Emma is the one Jack loves. I’m fighting this backslide but the realisation that even though she was a ten he still cheated on her as well rains down on me and I feel slightly better. I try to remember what she looks like from the journal. She seemed familiar, like I had met her before. Young. Blonde. Bubbly, perhaps. Is that what he wanted in a woman? I realise I’m crying in the taxi and the driver is looking at me in the rear-view mirror.