Chasing Midnight

by Sandra Damien

  “Oh, barf.” Cole did roll his eyes then, obviously well past the point of caring of whether he appeared mature or not. “So, what, has this been going on under my nose for some time, then, and I’m just finding out about it now?”

  “No, it’s new.” Chase reached for my hand. “But I’d like to see where it could go.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ.” Cole swiped a hand down over his face, looking like he’d aged ten years in the span of a night. He stalked over the mantle and stared at the photo of the three of us at Lake MacBride one summer, Cole with his arm slung around Chase’s neck and me scowling off to the side.

  He jerked his hand back through his hair and turned, muttering, “Fuck,” before he spun and faced us again, his blue eyes flashing. “How long have you known?”

  I opened my mouth to ask what he meant, but Chase caught on quicker than me. “Since high school.”

  “Because of Landon?”

  “He didn’t turn me, if that’s what you’re thinking. He just helped me realize it was possible to have an emotional connection with girls and guys. I explored that more in college.”

  “And you didn’t tell me.”

  “Did it matter?”

  “Yes it fucking mattered.”

  “Why?”

  Cole threw his hands up in the air, looking like he wanted to punch something. “This isn’t about me, Chase. Fucking hell.”

  “You sure are making it about yourself,” Chase said, his tone still so calm and measured. I watched as they stood off against each other, neither backing down. Realizing he had no leg to stand on, Cole whipped his attention back to me.

  “So, what is it about Chase, huh, Landon?” he sneered. “Is it his money?”

  I balked, jerking my hand from Chase’s grip. “Are you for real? Have I ever struck you as someone who cared about money?”

  “Then what it is? You’ve run out of guys to fuck so you set your sights on my fucking best friend?” He held up his hand. “You know what? Don’t answer that.”

  Hurt coursed through me at my brother’s words. I couldn’t believe how unreasonable he was being. But even as I stood there, trying to defend my feelings for Chase, I began to think that maybe his reaction wasn’t totally unfounded, and I started to second-guess how quickly I’d let myself fall under Chase’s spell, once again.

  As if he knew my thoughts were going down a darker path, Chase reached for my hand again, exuding a calm that kept me grounded, even as my brother lost his mind over our… what, betrayal? It didn’t feel like betrayal, but was I so far gone out of my mind over Chase that I couldn’t recognize what this would do to their relationship—to ours?

  “Don’t be a dick, Cole. We fell for each other, not committed murder. I don’t know what you’re so bent out of shape for anyway,” Chase reasoned. “You’ll probably see more of him now, because he’ll always be in the city. Maybe he’ll move.” He squeezed my hand and smiled, which quickly fell when he saw the look on my face.

  “Move?” I dropped his hand and took a step back, gut churning with unease. “I never said anything about moving.”

  “It just seemed like that would probably be the natural…” He didn’t continue, though, hurt and confusion passing over his features as my eyes darted around the room. “I thought we—”

  “I think maybe we’re rushing into this a bit.” My throat felt too tight, my heart rate elevating. My eyes burned and I blinked hard to focus on a point beyond Chase’s shoulder. “The timing is off. Cole is…” I swallowed. “Maybe Cole is right. This isn’t a good idea.”

  “Landon…”

  “I’m sorry, Chase.” I shook my head, as I stepped backward toward the door. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, then turned and ran out to my car.

  The first blast of cold winter air was a balm to my frazzled nerves, though my hands shook as I tried to get the key in the car door. I’d finally got everything I ever wanted, but it was all moving fast—too fast. My life was so up in the air, but the one constant, the one thing I could count on to remind me of who I was, was that I had a home in Derring. There was nowhere else I would rather be, nowhere else I could imagine being.

  But being with Chase would change all of that. I didn’t know why it hadn’t crossed my mind sooner. There wasn’t any way it could work, not when he never wanted to come back to Derring. Not when my brother was so strongly opposed to us being together.

  I had a choice to make, and I wasn’t sure I liked any of the outcomes.

  The only clear choice for me right now was to run from my feelings. That’s what I did best, after all.

  6

  The blizzard had finally passed. After I’d left Chicago, the storm had picked up again, swiftly and without warning. The visibility was so low, I wasn’t sure how I’d made it home. I drove on autopilot, cruising a little faster than was probably safe, until I slid into my parents’ driveway and minutes later, in between my sheets.

  Three days passed before I felt ready to leave the safety and comfort of my bed.

  The thing was when I woke up, I felt like a stranger in my own home. I went through my usual routine as if I was somehow disturbing the peace, quickly eating two pieces of toast without tasting them, then washing, drying, and putting away the breakfast plate, leaving no trace that I’d ever been there. I brushed my teeth in the same manner, wiping down the sink and tidying up the bathroom. When that was done, I made my bed, and spying the bag of laundry by the door, I decided I’d head into town to do it at the laundromat.

  I was twenty-four years old and still living at home with my parents, and I realized for the first time that I was a burden. My parents would never voice it, but I knew they were secretly happy about being empty nesters, and guilt gnawed at me for making my indecision and reluctance to grow up something they had to shoulder along with me.

  Maybe it was time to start thinking about moving out. But that led to thoughts about what I was going to do with my life, and I just didn’t feel ready. Would I ever? Was everyone else going through the same existential crisis as I was and I was just being a big baby about it all? There had to come a point where I would just have to bite the bullet, take a leap of faith into the unknown.

  Could I do that with Chase?

  The more I entertained the possibility, the more Cole’s hurtful words continued to play on repeat in my mind. No guy was worth severing my relationship with my brother. There was no two ways about it. I wouldn’t allow it.

  But he wasn’t just some guy, was he? This was Chase we were talking about, who meant just as much to Cole as he did to me, albeit in different ways. I’d never been so sure of anything in my life as I was about my feelings for him, and the thought of losing him to make my brother’s life easier to bear left a Chase-sized hollow inside of me.

  This fucking sucked.

  I felt restless as I turned the thoughts over in my head, and I grabbed the shovel to clear the driveway and sidewalk in front of the house. As I heaved snow and laid down salt, I wondered what would have happened if I’d told Chase how I felt all those years ago. If I had reached out to him in the years that followed my useless plea to have him stay. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything.

  Maybe it would have changed everything.

  Sadness, poignant and all-consuming, washed over me, and I leaned on the shovel, feeling as heavy as the snow. When had everything gone so wrong?

  I’d turned my phone off for the last three days, and I pulled it out of my pocket now and powered it on, just to see. Just to torture myself.

  Chase: Please come back

  Chase: I’m sorry I assumed anything. Can we at least talk?

  Chase: I miss you

  Message after message came pouring in. The last was sent ten minutes ago.

  Chase: I need you, Landon. I won’t ever stop

  My heart stuttered to a stop, and I gasped for breath. If I was waiting for some divine intervention to get me into motion, this was it. Okay, maybe it wasn’t divine—all I’d had to
do was turn on my phone—but now was not the time to be logical. Logic never did anything for anyone except make all involved miserable.

  Fuck Cole and his opinion. We were family; he was required to get over it at some point—Mom’s law. And like Chase had said, we hadn’t done anything more than fall for each other. Was that so unforgivable?

  Shit. Chase had fallen for me. What was I doing here, when my heart was still in Chicago? I wondered if Chase was lying in that big bed, gazing out over the city. Was he thinking of me as I did him, the same thing I hadn’t stopped doing for the past three days—for the past ten years?

  I decided right then and there that I wanted to find out.

  I flew back into the house to retrieve my keys and wallet, then thundered down the stairs. “Mom! I’m heading back to Chicago!”

  I didn’t wait for her response before I was ripping open the door—and almost barreling over the two figures standing on the doorstep. I righted myself, clinging to two strong arms that had caught me around the waist, and gasped.

  “Chase—Cole—what… what are you doing here?” I looked between my brother and Chase standing on my doorstep, each looking like their cat had fucking died, dark shadows prominent under their eyes. They shared a glance before Cole stepped forward, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck.

  “Look, Landon…” he started, before he cleared his throat. “You’re right. I might have overreacted just a teensy bit.”

  “A teensy bit?” I said sourly, but I was so elated to have them there in front of me that I had to actively fight the smile from my face.

  “Okay, a lot. I’m man enough to admit it. I was mean and what I said was totally uncalled for. But it was said in the heat of the moment when I was still processing, and I need you to know that…” He hesitated, as if unsure of his next words. “I don’t hate the idea of you two being together.” Cole frowned, then blew out a long breath. “It’s just going to take some getting used to, you know?” He shook his head. “My best friend and my brother. Shit, that’s weird.”

  I wrapped my arms around myself, trying not to cry out in relief, happiness, and a hefty dose of disbelief.

  “What changed your mind?” I peeked at Chase, whose eyes were taking in every bit of me from head to toe, like he was committing it to memory. He still hadn’t said anything, content to let Cole take the wheel for now. This was a conversation between brothers, and until all was right between us, he wouldn’t intervene.

  Nothing had changed there at all.

  “Chase and I had a long talk on the drive up. A long talk,” he emphasized, cutting his gaze to Chase. “There was a lot of stuff I didn’t know, about his parents, his dating life. You.” He clamped his hand down on Chase’s shoulder and squeezed. “I wish you’d both said something to me years ago. I dunno, maybe I would have handled it differently.”

  I cocked an eyebrow at Cole, and he raised both hands. “Okay, maybe not. We’ll never know.”

  “I’m not sure you’d have been able to handle it back then,” I said. “And that’s saying something.”

  “They’re called hard truths for a reason,” he agreed. He brought me in for a hug, slapping my back. “I love you, Lan. You’re my baby brother. Everything I say comes from a place of love, even if it doesn’t come out that way. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah, I know,” I sighed. “Love you too. Even when you’re awful.”

  He clapped my back again, then released me. “Mom home?”

  “She’s somewhere inside, probably rearranging her china collection. You know—”

  “—in case we have company,” he finished with a chuckle. “I’m gonna go visit with her, let you guys talk. Holler when you’re ready to hit the road, Chase. If you’re coming back with me tonight, that is.”

  He squeezed Chase’s shoulder one last time, then slipped past me into the house. Mom would flip when she saw him. Oh, she’d chew him out for sure but would be over the moon that both her boys were back at home—all of her boys.

  I turned back to Chase and gave him a tentative smile, even if all I wanted to do was run into his arms and never let go. I wasn’t sure how that would go over after how we’d left things, so instead I tried for hopeful.

  “Want to go for a walk?” I hedged. I knew Chase must be uncomfortable being back in town, but I also knew he probably wouldn’t want to have this conversation inside, where we could be heard from any corner of the house. Chase had spent most of his teen years here, and he knew as well as we did that nothing—absolutely nothing—had been kept secret from the prying ears of my mother.

  He nodded and together we tromped down the driveway and onto the path toward Main Street. It didn’t take long to get to town, and as we walked past Hal’s diner, the old bookstore, and Derring’s single grocery store on the corner, Chase took it all in, eyes wide, shaking his head all the while.

  “I can’t believe it hasn’t changed. And yet…”

  “Hmm?”

  He slid his hand over mine, threading our fingers together. “And yet everything has.”

  Jeez. Way to punch me in the gut. My mom’s elation at having her boys at home had nothing on how I felt at this moment.

  But it wasn’t enough to leave it at that. I still had questions that needed answering, and I didn’t think I could move forward until I knew for sure we were on the same page.

  “Why are you here, Chase?”

  He paused and scrubbed at the scruff on his chin; it looked like he hadn’t shaved in days. Probably hadn’t. But then he turned to me, and I was hit with the full force of his dark, haunted eyes in the light of day.

  “The only reason I ever had to come back here: for you.”

  “So why did you never…”

  “Come back?” He looked around again, taking the time to think on his words. “This place has a lot of painful memories for me. Some of my best too, and that’s because of you and Cole and the rest of your family.” He turned back to me. “When I had a chance to leave, I took it and never looked back. But maybe if I’d looked in the rearview mirror, I would have realized what I was leaving behind.” He leaned forward then and pressed his lips against my forehead, resting one hand on my hip, our fingers still linked. I closed my eyes, reveling in the feel of his touch, shivering as if it were the first time.

  He gathered me closer, wrapping both arms around me, as we stood there on the street in front of Maggie’s Gifts and Sweets. It seemed fitting, somehow. “A part of me knew if I stayed, told you how I felt, things might have turned out a lot different,” he continued. “But I needed to get out. Grow up. Grow out of those feelings of animosity toward my parents, this town.”

  I nodded slowly. I understood.

  “I’ve gone over it so many times in my head, but I keep coming to the same conclusion that we weren’t ready for each other back then. We had to live our lives to realize what we wanted—in life, in another person. Thing is, in the back of my mind I think I always knew what I wanted.” He smiled down at me, making my heart tumble right out of my chest seeing the worry smoothing from his features. “Something tells me you might be on the same page with me here.”

  I thought of the few guys I’d dated since high school, my desperate attempts to find some to click with.

  There was no click.

  It’d always been Chase.

  “I think I know a little something about that, yeah,” I murmured, a small smile curving the corners of my lips.

  “If you don’t want to see where this’ll go, just say the word, Lan. We don’t need to force anything. But this is the first thing in my life that has never felt forced. It seems so… effortless. Everything else has been a struggle, but with you, I feel like I can just be myself. I’m hoping you’ll let me give you that gift too, whenever you’re ready.” He raised my hand to his lips and kissed the palm. “I’ve waited for you for ten years. I can wait as long as you need me to.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I whispered, surprising even myself. “I finally ha
ve you. You’re not getting rid of me this time.”

  He smiled, slow, lazy—content. “We can make this work. We’re only four hours away from each other; that’s nothing. We can see each other weekends.”

  I gnawed on my lip. “I don’t think that’s going to work for me.”

  “What do you mean?” He looked so worried, I had to laugh, and I pulled him down for a kiss so hot, it’d probably be front-page news in the Gazette.

  I was still giggling when I pulled back and gazed up at him. “I mean, I was thinking of leaving Derring anyway. Maybe somewhere a little closer to Chicago?”

  Chase’s mouth opened, then closed, and then he furrowed his brow. “I don’t want you making any big, drastic decisions on account of me,” he said carefully. “We don’t need to rush anything.”

  “You’re right.” I smiled, and I was sure the warmth I felt radiating from within me could melt the snow around us. “But it’s time for me to grow up. And I’ve done all the growing I can do in Derring.”

  When Chase’s lips met mine once more, I felt everything click into place, like everything was as it should be. No, I didn’t need to be in Chicago, at least not immediately, to make a good go of something with Chase. But it was definitely time for me to spread my wings and see where life would take me. I’d always have a home and a piece of my heart in Derring, but it was as Chase had said: Home was where I made it. Home was wherever I was.

  And maybe—hopefully—one day I could make a home with Chase too.

  “So now what?” Chase asked, nibbling his way toward my earlobe, his erection pressed enticingly against my own.

  “Mmm, I could think of a few things…”

  “Sweet and sour chicken pizza from Happy Dragon?”

  “Oh, you’re on. You’re so on.”

  Acknowledgments

  The biggest round of applause goes to my cheer squad, Cate, Neve, and Taylor, for your ceaseless support and confidence bolstering when all I wanted to do was quit.