Not Your #Lovestory

by Sonia Hartl

  “I got the inside scoop from Eric, y’all.” Jessica’s face was so smug, so proud of the wrecking ball she’d smashed through my life. I hated her with the fire of a thousand suns. “He’s still going strong with Macy. Neither of them were online yesterday, because they’ve taken things to a more private level. If you know what I mean.” She winked at the camera and I wanted to reach through the screen and choke her. “But I talked to Eric this morning, and he wanted me to give a shout-out to his new YouTube channel. I’ll be driving up to the Shelby County Fair for the exclusive, and I’ll have a live Instagram stream going for the reunion you’ve all been waiting for. See you beauties on Tuesday at two.”

  The screen went black and I let out a scream so loud, birds took off out of the trees, and once-silent tents unzipped. “I hope she does drive up here. I’m going to rip her to shreds and send her dismembered parts in a box to Eric.”

  “Okay, so you’re not still playing along with the Baseball Babe stuff.” The relief pouring off Elise made me want to cry.

  “You thought I was lying when I said I was done with all that?” Paxton’s dad flashed through my mind, how all his friends thought the worst of him and ditched him, what his boss had said to him. “How could you think for one second I’d lie about that?”

  At least Elise had the good sense to look ashamed. “I don’t know. You didn’t tell me about it the first time, and I guess it was just easy to think you’d do it again. And you didn’t tell me you’d gotten together with Paxton until you both showed up at work together. It just feels like lately I’m finding out everything about you after the fact.”

  As much as I hated what she was saying, I was also kind of relieved I wasn’t the only one who felt like we’d been drifting recently. But she was still my best friend, and she should’ve known better. “For the millionth time, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Eric, but the only reason I didn’t tell you about Paxton is because it literally just happened. And we were so busy making out before we had to go into work, I wouldn’t have had time to tell you before then.”

  Paxton laid a hand on my shoulder. “It’s true. She’s insatiable.”

  I looked up at him, pleased to see he hadn’t bothered to put his shirt on before he came out of the tent. “I didn’t hear any complaints out of you.”

  “Okay. Fine. I can accept that,” Elise said. “But I’m still confused. If you told Eric you don’t want to see him anymore, why is he posting YouTube videos like you two are a couple?”

  Paxton’s hand tightened on my shoulder. I hoped not because he doubted me. He knew all too well how the Internet fame game worked.

  “I have no idea what Eric is doing or why,” I said. “And I couldn’t care less. I haven’t even looked at my phone since yesterday.”

  “Um …” Elise took her phone back and opened the YouTube app. Eric’s face flooded the screen, and it turned out there was someone I hated more than Jessica Banks. “Hey, Macy. I miss you already, but yesterday was so fun. No pictures though, people, sorry. NSFW. Can’t wait to see you at the fair on Tuesday. I’ll win you one of those big bears at the milk jug toss. It’ll be just like the first time we met.”

  The screen faded to black, and I would’ve screamed again if my voice hadn’t gone hoarse. I’d kill him. I would literally murder him on sight. Paxton had gone eerily still as his free hand curled into a fist. I glanced up at him and a muscle ticked in his jaw. I’d kill Eric dead for all the stuff he was bringing up for Paxton alone.

  “I’m sorry.” Elise rubbed my arm. “I never should’ve doubted you. It’s just—”

  “I get it. You don’t have to explain.” It was so easy, too easy, to believe anything people said online. To make monsters out of ordinary people just trying to do their best. “I don’t know how to make this go away. If I’d left it alone, none of this would be happening.”

  “Maybe he’s lying about the fair,” Elise said. “Like he lied about this past weekend.”

  “Maybe.” He had to know I’d punch him in the face as soon as he set foot in my town. That wouldn’t flow well with this narrative he was trying to concoct. “Just in case, though, I better text him and tell him not to bother showing up.”

  I went back to the tent and rummaged around in my backpack until I found my phone. I brought it back out to the firepit. Elise and Paxton peered over my shoulder as I unlocked my phone and opened my texts. I had sixteen unread messages—all from Eric.

  Eric: Macy. Talk to me. Don’t do this.

  Eric: I’ll do whatever you want. Do you want me to be your boyfriend for real? I can be your boyfriend. We could spend a few weeks at my family’s lake house.

  Eric: Macy

  Eric: Don’t shut me out. I thought we had a deal

  A dozen variations of the same message followed, where he occasionally broke to call me a fucking bitch again. He was a real charmer. His texts came in at all different times during the night. Because vampire. I only had one from him this morning.

  Eric: If you don’t show up to the shelby county fair on tuesday, I’ll make you the villain. I’ll shred your YouTube channel apart. I’ll tell the world you used me and broke my heart. Two o’clock, by the milk jug toss.

  Eric had gone full mustache-twirling, railroad-track-tying villain. I would’ve laughed if a cold rope of fear hadn’t squeezed around my chest. While I’d distanced myself from the Fly Ball Girl persona, I still wanted to do movie reviews and grow my YouTube channel with the kind of content I wanted to post. Not to mention whatever he said about me online would follow me for the rest of my life. One Google search could kill job opportunities, personal relationships, the way people viewed me until the end of time. Just like it had with Paxton’s dad.

  And it would be so easy for him to vilify me, so easy for everyone to believe the worst. If I’d learned anything from spending so much time online, it was this: People reacted with a lot more passion to negativity. Happy, shiny couples were boring. They wanted scandal and drama and someone to hate, and if Eric had his way, I’d be that person.

  I blocked Eric’s number and powered off my phone.

  “He’s on minute fourteen. His time is almost up and he’s getting desperate. This will blow over,” I said. Paxton didn’t look so sure. I gave him a confident smile, but I didn’t know if it was more for him or myself.

  Paxton was quiet the entire ride home, and I tried not to let it freak me out. He just needed to process. Knowing what I knew now, I could understand how hard all this had hit him. When I dropped him off, he said he’d text me later—in a faraway voice that sounded like he only half meant it—but at least he wasn’t running this time. Progress.

  The Bees were in full quilting mode; with the county fair starting up, they were down to the wire. They didn’t even glance up as I passed through the dining room on my way to the Hamptons. I hadn’t taken a close look at their quilt in the last week, per tradition. Gram covered it with a tablecloth when they weren’t working on it, and we’d gotten so used to having Bees and quilts going at different times of the year, we eventually tuned it out.

  Mom hung out in the Hamptons with a Susan Elizabeth Phillips novel, one foot dipped in the freshly bleached kiddie pool. She had the day off too, and would likely spend most of it out here. Unless she and Roger had plans.

  “Permission to enter the Hamptons?” I asked.

  Mom looked up and smiled. “Permission granted.”

  I took a seat on the lawn chair where Paxton had told me his story. It felt like a lifetime ago. So much had happened since then, and Mom knew none of it. While I didn’t fill her in on everything, or a lot of things really, I couldn’t lie to her about Paxton. He’d become too important to me.

  “How was camping?” Mom asked.

  “Fine.” Okay, I could lie about some Paxton-related things. “Can I ask you some questions about Roger?”

  She set her book down and sat up. “Ask away.”

  “Do you think it’s okay to bend your stance on coworkers be
cause you like him?”

  “I wouldn’t call him my coworker, since I didn’t even know he owned the diner until he told me, and he doesn’t actively work there.” She gave me a piercing look. The kind only moms could give. Like they had X-ray vision, but instead of bones, they saw their children’s secrets and lies. “But you’re not really asking about me and Roger, are you?”

  “No.” I stared at my joined hands. “I’m in love with Paxton, and he’s in love with me, and I’m sorry if that hurts you, but we’re together now.”

  She rubbed her temples. “Did Paxton go camping too?”

  “Umm …” I couldn’t risk the lie. Too many people knew about the Cleaning Day tradition, and Gigi would know that Paxton hadn’t been home last night. “Yes?”

  “Is that why I didn’t see you come home with the tent?”

  Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit.

  “No,” I said. Very slowly. “The tent was covered in mold and I threw it out. And by the way, thanks for springing that whole ‘Mom’s new boyfriend owns half of Honeyfield’ thing on me. How could you keep that a secret?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Roger owns the diner and the repair shop, not half of Honeyfield.”

  “Have you been on Main Street? That is literally half of Honeyfield.”

  “Don’t use that tone with me, and don’t try to change the subject.” She crossed her arms, and it was like looking at a younger version of Gram. “Did you or did you not share a tent with Paxton Croft last night?”

  “So what if I did?” I hadn’t intended to confess that part—Elise would’ve covered for me on the tent front—but I was so sick of having my life dictated by her choices.

  “Goddamn it, Macy.” She stood and paced in front of me. “You are supposed to be smarter than this. You are supposed to get the hell out of this town and have a better life and never have to know what it feels like to work until you’re dead.”

  “I can still do those things.” I hated this. I hated this entire conversation. “I’m not going to be tied down and pregnant just because I had sex with a boy. I know what a condom is. I’m not you.”

  Her head snapped back as if I’d slapped her. I’d said too much, struck too deep. I opened my mouth to tell her I was sorry and that I didn’t mean it, but she cut me off with a single raised hand. “You think I didn’t know what a condom was? How do you think I felt being one of the lucky two percent it failed on?”

  I’d had no idea. She’d never said anything like that before. I’d just assumed she’d had unprotected sex, and that was how I came to be. But still, her words hit me as hard as I’d hit her, and we’d reached a point where we were just one-upping who could hurt who more.

  “I bet you felt awful,” I said. “I bet having me was the worst thing that ever happened to you.”

  She sat with a heavy thump on the beach recliner. As if all the fight had been knocked clean out of her. “That’s not what I said.”

  “You didn’t have to say it.” I already knew. Just like I knew I’d done everything in my power to be the perfect daughter. Because my entire life I’d been trying to apologize for existing.

  “That’s enough.” Gram stood on the back porch, her hands on her hips. “I’ve got twelve hours left to get a quilt ready enough to win, and I’m not going to sit inside and listen to another minute of this nonsense.”

  “Then go back to your quilt and mind your own business,” Mom said.

  “Don’t take that tone with me, young lady. I don’t give a good goddamn if you are grown; I will whip your ass from here until Sunday.” Gram stalked across the yard and stared Mom down until we both shrunk to the size of the ants crawling among the brown grass.

  “Sorry,” Mom mumbled.

  “How much did you hear?” I winced, knowing Gigi was inside.

  “Everything.” Gram turned on me, and I flinched from her fire. “The entire neighborhood could hear the way you two were screaming at each other, and we’re going to settle this now so I can get back to quilting in peace.”

  “You don’t need to settle anything,” Mom said, with significantly less tone. “This is between me and Macy.”

  “Like hell it is. I’m not going to sit back while you throw knives at each other until you’re both nothing but bloody ribbons. Gracie”—Gram turned to Mom, and she flinched just the way I had—“Paxton is as fine a boy as there ever was, he’s got a soft heart, and I know you’ve seen the way he looks at Macy. He’s not that piece of shit college boy who abandoned you; he could never be that boy. You need to let it go.”

  “Don’t talk to her like that,” I said. Even though I fully agreed with her, and she was taking my side, the need to protect Mom ran so bone-deep, I couldn’t help myself.

  “You’d do well to shut your mouth when I’m defending you,” Gram said.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said to my feet.

  “And you.” Gram flung her pointed finger at me. “You didn’t tell your momma about Paxton before you went camping, and you know that’s wrong. We expect better of you.”

  “I know.” I toed at the anthill hidden in the grass. “I’m sorry.”

  “Another thing you need to know.” Gram grasped my chin and tilted my face up. “You have been a joy and a blessing in our lives. It was tough when your momma found out she was pregnant, tough on all of us, but don’t think for one second that we regret you being here. We love you, Macy. You’re the brightest bit of sunshine we have in this dark world.”

  I knew they loved me. Of course I did, but it was so hard to look at the life Mom had and know it could’ve been easier without me, to not feel selfish and ungrateful that I wanted something different. But just like Mom needed to let go of her past, I needed to let go too. My family meant the world to me—I never wanted them to think they weren’t enough—but I’d graduated. Next year I’d be moving on. And I had to accept that I couldn’t fix or change something I wasn’t responsible for, or I’d never stand on my own.

  “I love you too. Both of you. Nothing will ever change that.” I stood and turned to my mom. “But I’m not going to stop seeing Paxton. I need you to let me make my own choices. And maybe I’ll screw it up, but for me, it’s a risk worth taking.”

  Mom didn’t speak, and I quietly died inside while she sat silent. I wouldn’t take back a single word though. This confrontation had been a long time coming. If we hadn’t dealt with it now, all the guilt I carried around would’ve turned to bitter resentment, and the damage to our relationship would’ve been catastrophic.

  “Gracie.” Gram’s voice turned softer. “Are you going to talk to your daughter, or are you just going to keep sitting there like a stiff?”

  “Mom.” I had to explain this in a way she’d understand. It always came back to Say Anything. “He’s my Lloyd Dobler.”

  Her eyes widened a fraction, but she still didn’t make a sound.

  “And I’m not saying I’m Diane, or you’re trying to put me in a box, but maybe …” If I didn’t say what was on my mind now, this would pass, and we’d go on as we had been with her worrying all the time and me feeling guilty all the time, and I couldn’t do it anymore. “Maybe sometimes you do, without meaning to. I know life got hard, and I know you don’t want the same for me, but at what point will you believe that you’ve done enough?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her nose wrinkled the way mine sometimes did when I knew I’d been busted at something.

  “Yes, you do.” My voice had gone so quiet, Gram had to come closer to act like she wasn’t hanging on every word. “My life is good. It’s full of people I love who love me back because you made sure I’d always have that. You gave me everything I’d ever need, choices and guidance and roots, and I’m so grateful for it all. It’s because of those things that I love Paxton. Because of those things, he loves me too. Because of who you raised me to be.”

  She stood and I braced myself for her to keep up this fight she’d been having with herself and projecting onto me, but she wra
pped me in her arms and held me tight as she stroked my hair. “I love you, baby girl. And I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become.”

  “Even with Paxton?” I couldn’t let this part go. I needed her to be okay with us.

  “I know I’ve been a hard-ass about the coworker thing, but I can admit Paxton is good, and anyone can see how he loves you. I promise I won’t get in the way of that.”

  “Thank you.” I squeezed her back.

  Mom gently rocked side to side as she held me, pouring every ounce of love she had for me into that hug. When we both started getting weepy, we opened up our arms and pulled Gram into our fold until the three of us became a single unit. We were Evanses. We were forged of fire and steel, and we would not bend for anyone.

  Except each other.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-SIX

  TUESDAY, THE FIRST OFFICIAL day of the county fair, had arrived, and the Bees were in a tizzy. They’d finished their quilt under the wire the night before, and had it wrapped up and on the way to the craft hall before Mom or I got a look at it. They fluttered around the living room, checking each other’s hair, pointing out who had lipstick on their teeth (Donna) and who had a coffee stain on their blouse (Peg). After fussing and changing outfits twice, the Queens of the Shelby County Fair were ready to make their grand entrance.

  Mom and Roger waved them off from the driveway. Gram couldn’t resist giving Roger the middle finger before she piled into Peg’s car, but she did it with a smile. It seemed he was winning her over after all. Slowly. Then he got into his car with Mom and followed the Bees. After they helped them get everything set in the craft hall, they planned to make a day of the fair, like a couple of gross and in-love teenagers. It made me ridiculously happy.