She saw that his five high-end restaurants in Chicago and in Palm Beach were called Masson, and the one in Las Vegas was called Chez Jacques. There was a photograph of him with a very young girl on his website, and she wondered if it was his daughter. He could have married and had a family in the last twenty years. He was handsome, slightly overweight, and looked like a teddy bear. Despite some gray in his thick mane of hair and the beard he still wore, he hadn’t changed much and had aged well. He was fifty-five now, and from the reviews on his website, his restaurants were a major success. He had done well.
She found Bob Holland on Google just as easily. The website said he was the founder of Holland, Hampstead, and Ahern, a venture capital firm in Boston specializing in high-tech investments. They’d both been very young when she went out with him. She was thirty and he was thirty-one, and had just graduated from Harvard Business School with his MBA. She was almost exclusively in fashion then, working furiously and taking care of her kids. They were barely old enough to remember him, and she doubted that they would, although she had gone out with him for two years. He had been a serious contender. He was originally from Boston, although he was working at Lehman Brothers in New York when she knew him. He was responsible and ambitious, and not as much fun as Jacques was when she met him later, but Bob was also steadier, and he wanted to make his mark in the world of high-tech investments. He’d had an offer from a firm in Silicon Valley, when everything was booming and starting to take off out there. He wanted her to move to California with him, but there was little fashion photography happening on the West Coast, and her career would have taken a major hit if she went. She had three children to support and didn’t want to be dependent on him. All of it had added up to staying in New York seeming like the right decision.
She remembered that he’d had a chip on his shoulder about not having enough money of his own to invest. He had gone to school with some heavy hitters, and wanted to be one of them. She’d always felt a little out of her league with him. She had no money then either, except what she made, and she spent all of it supporting three kids.
He hadn’t liked the people in her fashion world. The photograph on his website showed him looking a lot older at fifty-nine, and the list of companies his firm had funded was impressive. He had clearly made it to the big leagues and fulfilled his dreams. And as much as she loved him for a time, she could never see herself with him long term. She always had the feeling that he would clip her wings. Giving up New York and her career for him had been too much to ask. She couldn’t do it.
In the twenty-six years since, he had made his way back to Boston, and apparently started his own venture capital firm, so he’d obviously done well on the West Coast, before heading east again. She hadn’t had any regrets about him, although she had missed him at first, but Jacques had been a good distraction six years later, and different from Bob in every possible way. Jacques had seemed much less serious about his career at the time, but had done well anyway, probably not in the same league as Bob, but seven restaurants for a French chef from the provinces was a major coup for him. Both men appeared to have lived up to their dreams, and so had she.
* * *
—
It took her a little longer to locate Andy Wyatt, and there were several options that turned up in her search, and then she found him. He was still in Wyoming, listed as the founder of the Wyatt Ranch, and Sean Wyatt, his son, was listed as manager of the ranch. Sean was a year younger than Milagra, and had been a nice boy. Andy was widowed. He’d lost his wife to cancer not long after Sean was born. He’d been a good father and a good man. Maddie had met him at a ranch she took the children to one summer, and they fell head over heels in love. They were the perfect match, in a way she had never expected to find. Their values were so similar. She had waited until she was forty to find the love of her life. Everything about their time together was perfect, but geography was the one problem they couldn’t solve. She had a major career in New York by then, couldn’t afford to give it up and didn’t want to. It was part of her identity. She had two kids in college, and Milagra to get through high school and into college, and Andy couldn’t exist anywhere but on a ranch, close to his roots and in the world he had always known.
At forty-nine, there was no way he could transition into city life in New York, far from horses and mountains and wide-open spaces. He had come to visit her in New York once, and no matter how much he loved her, he couldn’t wait to leave. He had said that he felt like the air was being sucked out of his lungs. He was a cowboy to the very bottom of his soul, the way some men are sailors and can’t live far from the sea. She understood that about him, but she couldn’t give up her identity for him either. Her work was an integral part of her. She wasn’t sure she’d make the same decision now, but she thought she would. In the end, they had made the decision together, and knew they had to. The tension was beginning to poison their relationship, which was the last thing she wanted. They agreed that they had to end it, which had been the most painful choice she’d ever made.
They spoke a few times right after the breakup. She’d hoped that they could be friends, but neither of them were capable of it. They loved each other too passionately, and had to stop talking. She cried over him for two years afterwards, and she hadn’t had a serious relationship since then. They had ended it seventeen years ago, and it still felt like yesterday. She wondered if they’d be able to see each other now.
Having found the box of photographs and love letters had jogged her memories and her heart, and she suddenly had a longing to reach back into her past and see the people who had been important to her. She didn’t want anything from them, but she wanted to remind herself of what they had meant to her, and to see if she’d made the right decisions. She had always wondered about Andy. She could see that he had his own ranch now, and she was happy for him. She was at peace now too. Her children were each in a good place for them, and her work was satisfying, but she wanted to see the men she had loved, and reassure herself that she had made the right choices. She needed to contact them one more time, to validate the past, and who she had been then, with each one of them. She wondered if doing so was a sign of age, or a reminder that she was still alive and had been capable of great love, at least once. It was something she was beginning to feel she needed now in order to move forward in her life.
She didn’t think she wanted a man in her life again. It seemed too complicated to her now. But all the men she had looked up on Google had been more than just passing relationships for her, and she wanted to see where they were now. It seemed an important rite of passage to her. Especially with Deanna convincing her that her life was over. She was mildly afraid of seeing Andy again. He had meant so much to her, but maybe they were capable of friendship now, even if they hadn’t been then. The sting had gone out of it for her, and hopefully for him too. She wondered if he had married again. He wanted to marry her, and she would have if it hadn’t meant spending the rest of her life on a ranch in Wyoming. She couldn’t do that any more than he could have moved to New York for her. She wanted nothing from him now, except to know that he was all right, and confirm that they had loved each other. That seemed important, and perhaps it would be to him too. Maybe then, they could both go on in peace.
She wasn’t sure when she was going to do it, but it was a pilgrimage she wanted to make. Her broken ankle and moment of feeling vulnerable and frail had opened a window in her soul somewhere. Maybe destiny had led her to the box with their love letters and photographs. It was time. And just knowing that made her feel as though she had grown wings.
Chapter 4
The shoot on Thursday went surprisingly well, in spite of Maddie’s being on crutches and less able to move around than she usually was. The studio assistants she always hired for shoots helped her, and she was in full control of the session by the end of the day. The actress she had been assigned to shoot for the cover of Vogue had nev
er felt as glamorous or as beautiful, and she and Maddie hit it off brilliantly. The famous movie star was sixty-nine years old, full of life and energy, and she felt like a girl again in the eye of Maddie’s lens. The shoot was a great success, and Maddie was certain the editors would be thrilled with the results.
She had a great feeling of satisfaction when she went to bed that night. She was still on top of her game, despite her unfortunate accident.
As soon as she got her walking cast, she could put weight on her left leg again, gingerly at first, but by the day after, she was moving around with ease. She kept the crutches at hand to ensure her balance, but didn’t need them as much as she had a week before.
The shoot on Monday went equally well, and at the end of the day, Maddie sat in her office looking pensive. She had a plan. She’d been thinking about it for days, and the more certain she became, the stronger she felt. She hadn’t been sure when she wanted to do it at first, but she realized that the time was now. Remarkably, she had no firm bookings for the next few weeks, only several tentative things in the works, which was rare for her. In five weeks she’d be shooting in Shanghai. She had the time now and the desire, and everything about it felt right.
She did everything she needed to do the next day, without telling anyone. She was going to disappear for a few weeks. She was planning to check in with Penny occasionally so she wouldn’t worry, and Penny could reach her on her cellphone if anything important happened. But she was going on a trip back in history to quietly close doors to the past, and open the windows to the future. She was excited about it.
On Wednesday evening before she went upstairs to pack, Penny found her at her desk with a peaceful look on her face, and a bright light in her eyes. She observed her suspiciously. She knew her well.
“You’re up to something. I know you are. I can tell.” Maddie didn’t deny it, and only smiled.
“Maybe so,” she admitted cautiously. “I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m fine. I’m going away for a while.”
“How long a while? Months? Years?” Penny was panicked.
“As long as I need. Don’t book anything for the next month. I’ll be back in time to do Shanghai.”
“You’re going away for a month?” She almost shrieked it. Maddie hardly ever took a day off, even on weekends. In fourteen years, Penny couldn’t remember any time when Maddie had taken two weeks off, let alone a month. “Are you going alone?” She wondered suddenly if there was a man in Maddie’s life she didn’t know about. Anything was possible. Maddie often kept her most private thoughts to herself.
“I’m going to visit some old friends. I’ll see how far I get. I’ll check in with you when I can. I don’t want to take calls, unless there’s an emergency with the kids. I need some time to myself.”
“Is Deanna threatening you again? Did you have a fight?”
“No. She’s still harassing me about the benefit. The answer is still no. She can’t use the firehouse. You can deal with her after I leave.” She stood up then and came around her desk to hug Penny. “Take care of yourself. Thank you for holding the fort.”
“Thank you for telling me, I would have had a heart attack if I came in tomorrow and you were gone.”
“I know, that’s why I said something tonight. And thank you for taking such good care of me. Please take care of yourself while I’m gone.” Maddie looked at Penny affectionately. It was the first time she had ever taken time for herself. Finding the box of love letters had started it, but everything Deanna had said to her had pushed her to it, and she had to do it now. She needed to face the past and the future.
“What do you want me to tell clients?”
“That I’m on a long project for a month, and after that I’ll be in Shanghai for a week. You can book me after that. I may only stay in Shanghai for a few days, but that gives me some leeway.”
“Have you told the kids?”
“Not a word. Ben and Milagra won’t know the difference. And after Deanna gives up on browbeating me into letting her use the house, we won’t hear from her for a while. I can always call them if they really need me. They’ll call you if it’s important.” Penny nodded and gave Maddie a hug. She left after that, and Maddie went upstairs to pack. She could hardly wait to get started.
She had rented an SUV, which was parked on the street, and was planning to check in to hotels along the way. For the first time in her life, she didn’t want to be tied to dates or set plans. She was open to whatever destiny chose to put on her path. She was taking her crutches with her, but didn’t really need them now. The walking cast was doing its job, and she wasn’t in pain anymore. She didn’t need her left leg to drive, so the cast wasn’t a problem.
She looked around her bedroom as she fell asleep that night. She had printed out the information on all three men she wanted to visit, and knew how to contact them when she reached their cities, and Andy on the ranch. She hadn’t given any of them warning and liked the element of surprise. If she missed them, and they were out of town, it was meant to be that way. She was leaving the whole trip in the hands of the fates, to show her what she needed to see and understand. She wanted to go backward in time, just long enough to touch the past, and go forward with a lighter heart.
She was up at six, showered, dressed, had tea and a slice of toast, and was on the road at seven, heading north toward Boston. She figured she’d be there by noon. She didn’t know Boston well, but had liked it when she’d been there, and would be content to walk around if she couldn’t reach Bob immediately. He might not even want to talk to her after all these years. She recognized that as a possibility too. The men she wanted to see now, for the first time in years, might not be nearly as excited at the prospect of seeing her.
She had been on the highway for two hours when Deanna called the office and asked to speak to her mother. Penny told her she was out.
“Out? At nine o’clock? Where? Is she shooting on location today?”
“I don’t know where she is,” Penny said, smiling to herself, thoroughly enjoying foiling Deanna’s plan to harass her mother again. It was time someone stopped her, and Maddie had escaped.
“That’s ridiculous. You’re lying to me. You know perfectly well where she is. She doesn’t move an inch without telling you first.”
“Well, she did this time. She was gone when I got to work.”
“Did she get hurt again?” Deanna asked, sounding worried for an instant.
“I don’t think so. She told me she’d be out this morning. She didn’t tell me where.”
“That’s very odd. Well, tell her to call me when she gets back. I’ve got to resolve this thing about the benefit.”
“I think she resolved it,” Penny said blandly, chuckling inwardly. “She told me it’s not going to happen here.”
“We haven’t finished discussing it,” Deanna said firmly.
“I think she has.” Deanna made a snorting sound into the phone and didn’t comment, and without saying goodbye to Penny she hung up. “Thank you to you too, Miss Charming,” Penny said to the receiver after Deanna hung up, and then she got on with her work. There would be plenty to do without Maddie, for the first week or two at least. And she’d find enough to keep her busy after that. Maddie had wrapped up all her own pending projects before she left, and had spent the weekend doing it. It explained the mountain of work Maddie had left for Penny the previous Monday, which made total sense to her now. She was clearing her desk, and her head.
* * *
—
When Maddie got to Boston, she drove around for a few minutes, trying to get her bearings, and consulted the GPS in the rented car. It took her to the Four Seasons Hotel, where she checked in to a junior suite. It was big enough to give her some space, without being overly luxurious. She sat down for a few minutes after she checked in to the room, thought about it, and called Bob at his ventu
re capital firm. It was noon, and a secretary told her he had just left for lunch. Maddie left her name and number, and went out for a walk. She stopped to have a salad at a small restaurant on the way back. There were young people everywhere. Boston was always full of students. There were more colleges per square inch than any city she knew of. It was a haven for college kids from all over the world.
She went back to her room after she returned, and lay down for a while, thinking about Bob. She wondered if he was going to call her. He called her at four o’clock.
“Is that you?” he asked in a shocked voice. He had just gotten her message after an unusually long lunch, celebrating a big deal and going over final details.
“Yes, it is,” she said, smiling. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to hear from me or not. It’s been a long time.”
“Twenty-six years, to be exact,” he said a little drily, curious about why she’d called.
“Looking at your website, you’ve been busy in the meantime. Very impressive,” she said generously.
“You’re the one who’s a big star now. I went to your show at the Museum of Fine Arts about five years ago. I was going to write to you then, but time got away from me, and then I felt stupid writing to you, and I wasn’t sure you’d get it. How are your kids?” She was touched that he asked. He’d been somewhat overwhelmed by them when they dated. Three young children was a lot for him to deal with. He was young then, and so were they.
“Fine. Busy. Grown up. Ben and Deanna are both married with kids of their own. Milagra is writing gothic novels in Mendocino with a flock of cats and dogs. Ben lives in San Francisco, and Deanna is in New York. She’s a fashion designer, and he’s doing his second start-up. I hardly see any of them, but they’re happy, and I work a lot.”
“You always did,” he said, sounding warmer than he had at first.
“What about you? Married? Kids?” she asked.
Lost and Found Page 6
