“Yes, to both questions. A son at Vassar, a daughter at Princeton. Times have changed.” They both laughed. “They’re good kids. He wants to be an artist, she wants to go to law school. What are you doing in Boston?” She had thought a lot about how she would answer that question, and had decided that honesty was the simplest course.
“It will sound crazy, but I came to see you.”
“I’m not sure I believe that,” he said, skeptical. “Why didn’t you call first?”
“I decided on the trip on fairly short notice. But you’re right, I should have let you know.” She felt rude for a minute, he had always been very traditional and conservative about things like that. He was not a spontaneous kind of person, and liked to plan, a little too much for Maddie in those days, especially since her plans changed constantly with three young kids, when one of them got an earache or a babysitter didn’t show up. Their lives had been incompatible in a number of ways, which was why the relationship hadn’t lasted. But two years had been a respectable run, and she wanted to see him anyway, for old times’ sake, if nothing else. “I had one of those weird epiphanies a couple of weeks ago. I was cleaning out a closet and came across a box of old letters and photographs, and there you were. I then proceeded to fall off the ladder and break my ankle. And I decided it would be nice to see you and find out how you are. So I looked you up on Google a few days later, rented a car, drove to Boston, and here I am. It’s probably inconvenient as hell.” He was quiet for a minute before he answered.
“It’s not inconvenient. It’s just kind of a shock. I never thought I’d see you again. I’d love to see you, Maddie.” His voice was suddenly full of emotion. He’d always had a somewhat stiff exterior, but a soft heart.
“Whenever you want.” She was free and had no plans.
“Are you free for dinner tonight?”
“Yes, I am. Do you want to bring your wife?” It would be somewhat disappointing, but she was open to anything, that’s what this trip was all about. Finding them where they were and discovering who they were now.
“No, I don’t. I’ll explain all that when I see you. We have a lot to catch up on.”
“Maybe less on my side than on yours. My life hasn’t changed much. I work harder and my kids are bigger, other than that nothing is different.”
“I don’t see how you could work harder than you used to,” he said admiringly. “You were the workhorse of all time. Superwoman, with kids.”
“Thank you for the compliment.” He had obviously worked hard too, as he had then. They had that in common.
“Where are you staying?”
“The Four Seasons.”
“I’ll pick you up at eight. I drive a black Ferrari, in case you don’t recognize me.”
“I have a cast on my left leg. I’ll wave it at you so you know it’s me.”
“So you really did break your ankle, not just a figure of speech.” He sounded surprised again.
“The real deal. Fortunately it’s my left leg so I can drive, or I wouldn’t have been able to make the trip. Not right now anyway.”
“See you at eight.” He hung up a minute later and sat staring into space at his desk for several minutes. He wasn’t sure if her sudden reappearance was providential, or just a quirk of fate. Her refusal to move to California with him had ended the relationship, but there had been nothing about her he didn’t like. They had just come to a fork in the road and gone separate ways. Now suddenly she was back. And he remembered all too clearly everything he’d felt for her then. But twenty-six years was a long time.
* * *
—
Maddie was wearing black slacks and a white silk blouse when he came to pick her up promptly at eight. As soon as she saw the black Ferrari, she smiled, pulled up her pants leg, and waved her cast at him from the distance, and he laughed as she headed toward the car.
“I’d have recognized you anyway, you know. You haven’t changed a bit,” he said, looking at her warmly.
“Have you had your eyes checked lately?” she said, smiling at him as he gazed at her for a long time, drinking her in, and then kissed her on the cheek. He had changed very little, except for the gray hair, but his face was the same. She knew he was fifty-nine, and he was trim and in good shape, as he always had been in the past.
He drove her to L’Espalier, one of the best restaurants in Boston. The headwaiter knew him and led them to a quiet corner table. She noticed that he was wearing a perfectly tailored suit and a navy blue Hermès tie with a white shirt. He was very elegant, and more polished than he had been at thirty-one when they met. His hair was immaculately trimmed, he had a smooth shave, and he was wearing a gold Patek Philippe watch on his wrist. He had all the trappings of a wealthy, successful man. He had gotten where he wanted to be, but she could see that his eyes were sad as he ordered a martini for himself and a glass of champagne for her.
“So where do we start?” he asked her.
“Anywhere you like.”
“Did you ever remarry?” She shook her head. “Why not?”
“Too ornery, I guess.” He laughed at her answer as he sipped his martini, after they’d toasted each other, and he’d said, “To old times.”
“Too busy, more likely.”
“That too. You work hard for a long time, and pass on things you tell yourself you’ll do later, and then one day you wake up, and it seems too late to do them. I bought a wonderful old firehouse in the West Village in New York fifteen years ago, and I live there. I’m happy, but I miss my kids.”
“I do too now that they’re in college.”
“When did you get married?” She was curious about that. Right after her, or a few years later? In California or Boston?
“About two years after we broke up. I worked in Palo Alto for about a year and a half, and got a better offer in Boston. I met my wife the week I moved here. She was in law school. She’s an environmental lawyer, and loves what she does. We had two kids, a boy and a girl. We did everything by the book. Her father was in biotech venture capital, he was the head of the firm I went to work for. I married the boss’s daughter and moved ahead very quickly, and ten years ago I went out on my own. It’s worked out pretty well,” he said modestly. He had never been one to brag, but she could see the evidence of his success.
“And?” There was a hitch in there somewhere, she could hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. Even after all these years, she still knew how to read him. He had always been transparent in some ways. He didn’t look like a happy man.
“You know me too well. Everything was fine for the first five years, the honeymoon phase, and then it got rocky after the second baby. We reached a crisis point. The crux of it was that neither of us were sure why I married her. Was it because of who her father was, or for her? I was so desperate to get ahead as a VC that I probably would have married her no matter what, and she knew it. She wasn’t sure if I was in love with her, and to be honest, neither was I. It never really worked after that. We were thinking about splitting up, and her father called me in. They’re an old Boston family and no one has ever gotten divorced. He told me that as long as I stayed with Elizabeth, everything would be fine. If I left her, he would see to it that my career in venture capital would be dead and buried. I believed him. So I stayed. Neither of us is sure why I married her, but we both know for certain why I stayed married to her. The marriage has been dead ever since. We go our separate ways, which is easier now that the kids are away at school. She’s always very pleasant, we’re extremely polite and considerate of each other. But there’s no love there, and maybe there never was. Whatever we had twenty-four years ago when we married has been over for a long time.
“I was seeing someone else for a while, discreetly, but that got complicated. She’s married too, my partner’s wife. And he and I were good friends.” Maddie cringed as he said it. It was a rotten
thing to do to his partner and his wife. Bob had made a lot of bad choices and, in essence, he had sold out, and paid a high price for it. He had led a loveless life for a long time, married to a woman he didn’t love, staying with her to protect his career, and cheating on his wife and his friend and partner. There was very little honesty about his life, except his unhappiness, which showed in the sorrow in his eyes. Part of him was dead, an important part. His integrity, and his heart.
“I’m sorry to hear all that,” she said, and meant it. “You deserve better.”
“I made a choice. I wanted to play with the big boys so badly, and I don’t regret it. I shouldn’t have married Elizabeth, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have what I do today.”
“Is it worth it?” she asked, sad for him.
“Sometimes. You steal a little happiness here and there and it works,” which meant he cheated on her all the time. Maddie hated the choices he had made, for his sake, and his wife couldn’t have been happy either. She had also paid a high price for a bright, handsome husband whom her father had threatened into staying with her. There couldn’t be much joy in that. Maddie’s life was a whole lot simpler, maybe lonely at times now without the kids, but it was honest and clean. Bob lived in a world of subterfuge, lies, false pretenses, and expensive trades, his happiness for a big career. The Ferrari and the gold watch didn’t seem worth it to Maddie, and she was sure they had an impressive house. He had mentioned a boat and a plane. But his children had grown up in a loveless home. She couldn’t help wondering if there was any part of Bob’s heart still intact, or if it had been dead for years. It made her glad for the choice she’d made not to follow him to California with her kids. If he was willing to make such dangerous compromises for his career, who knew what he would have done with her, when better opportunities arose, like Elizabeth and her father’s firm in Boston. He might have dumped Maddie, and she suspected he would have. Anything was possible with someone as ambitious as he was. He had sold out in a major way, and there was no one left inside him. He was a hollow shell.
They made it through dinner with less loaded subjects, and he drove her back to her hotel. He sat looking at her for a long time when they got there.
“When are you leaving, Maddie?” he asked her.
“Tomorrow morning.” She had decided during dinner. She was glad she had come, but didn’t want to stay. Any further contact with him would be messy, and she didn’t want that. Their old memories were enough for her.
“Could you stay a little longer?” She knew what he had in mind, it was easy to guess. A little comfort for old times’ sake before she left.
“I think it would be a mistake, for both of us,” she said gently. “You don’t need any more complications in your life, and neither do I. I think we had our shot at it a long time ago. And you probably did the right things for you. You would never have been happy without the career you have now. I couldn’t have given you that.”
“I’m not happy now,” he said and she believed him.
“It’s tough to be happy if you’re living a lie. Maybe you should take the bull by the horns and get divorced.”
“And then what? Start all over again with someone else? Give up half of everything I have? Her father would destroy me. He’s still powerful, more so than ever. We have a pretty fantastic life, and an incredible house, a yacht, and a jet. That’s hard to walk away from.”
“I guess it is,” she said, feeling sorry for him, not for his bad marriage, but the bad decisions he had made. She wouldn’t have wanted his life, even with all the expensive toys, for anything in the world. He was in a prison of his own making. And she felt sorry for his wife.
Bob tried to kiss her then, and she gently turned her head to avoid it, and kissed his cheek. “Take care of yourself. I’m glad I got to see you. Thank you for dinner.” She smiled and got out of the car as he watched her.
“I love you as much as I did twenty-six years ago, Maddie, the day we left each other. It never stopped.” She wanted to tell him to give it to Elizabeth, but she knew it was way too late for that.
She waved from the sidewalk as he drove away. She hadn’t answered when he said he loved her. She didn’t know what to say. The poor man didn’t know the meaning of the word.
Chapter 5
Maddie had a text from Bob when she woke up the next morning, asking her again to stay. He’d written it the night before when she was sleeping. She answered him quickly and simply. She didn’t want to encourage him. “I have plans in Chicago. Have to leave. Thank you for dinner. Take good care. Maddie.” His life had turned out so badly, though all his own fault, and all for a lot of fancy toys and a big career. It made her sad to think about, but she was glad she had seen it at close range. It left no doubt in her mind about the wisdom of her decision to move on twenty-six years before. She had sensed even then that they wanted different things in life. She wanted people and real relationships, he wanted money and power, and was fiercely ambitious and materialistic.
She checked out of the hotel very early and, just for the fun of it, she decided to visit the Harvard campus in Cambridge. She got there an hour after the sun came up on a beautiful day. She had seen it before, and it always impressed and moved her, thinking of the great minds that had been educated there. She took a few pictures with her phone, with the sunlight washing over the campus, and put them on Instagram. She walked around for a while, thinking how lucky the students were to go to school at such an extraordinary institution, and then she got in her car and followed the GPS directions to head for Chicago. She had a long trip ahead of her and wanted to drive straight through.
She called Penny once she was on the highway, to check in, as soon as Penny got to work.
“How’s everything at home?” She had only left the day before, but it already felt as though she had been gone for longer.
“Quiet, except for Deanna. She called to talk to you yesterday. She didn’t believe that I don’t know where you are.”
“What did she want? Same thing?”
“Of course, to badger you for her benefit.”
“She’ll get tired of it.” Maddie had noticed missed calls from her too, and didn’t intend to respond. She knew why she was calling. “Anything else?”
“No. How are you? I just saw your photo of Harvard on Instagram. How long are you staying in Boston?”
“I’ve already left. I did what I came here to do. I saw an old friend. Now I’m heading west.”
“All the way west?”
“Maybe. I’ll see. I haven’t decided yet.”
“Thanks for checking in. I worry about you,” Penny said gently.
“You don’t need to. I’m fine. I’ll call you in a few days.” She was looking forward to Chicago, she had always liked the city, although she didn’t know it well. She felt a little strange being on this journey, to see the men she had once loved. She wasn’t hoping to start anything with them, she just wanted to spend a little time with each of them to validate her own earlier decisions. In Bob’s case, one dinner had been enough to tell her what she needed to know. She had done the right thing. And if she hadn’t? She had no idea what she would have done then. This was a form of free fall for her. She felt as though she had leapt out of a plane and was floating slowly toward the earth, blown by the wind. She had no idea where she would land. She just knew she needed to do this.
She hung up after a few minutes on the phone with Penny and enjoyed the driving. It was relaxing, and she didn’t mind that she had a long way to go. She needed the time to think.
* * *
—
It was noon in New York when Deanna called her brother, and nine in the morning in California. A busy time of day for him. She’d been with fit models all morning for the new collection, and had a break. Ben took the call immediately, afraid that something had happened to their mother, another fall or something wor
se. Deanna had put him on edge with her text message about the broken ankle, and he wasn’t sure what to expect next.
“Did you see Mom’s pic on Instagram this morning?” were her opening words.
“No, I didn’t. I was at the gym, and then I came to work. What did she post on it?” He didn’t follow it regularly, but he had it in order to keep current when he was in the mood. Laura followed several people diligently, but she hadn’t said anything to him. Though she didn’t usually follow his mother. She followed movie stars and socialites.
“I’ve been trying to reach her since yesterday, and Penny is being mysterious. She claims she doesn’t know where she is.”
“Maybe it’s true. Maybe she’s away somewhere, shooting an important subject, like a politician or something.”
“Bullshit, Penny knows her every move, and Mom’s not returning my calls.”
“Did you have a fight with her?” He was always suspicious of his sister’s side of any story. She usually left out a vital piece of information and played innocent, which wasn’t the whole truth.
“Of course not.” She sounded miffed. “I needed a favor, and she hasn’t been in a good mood.” He was checking Instagram as he listened to her. “It looks like she’s at some kind of school.”
“She is apparently,” he said as the images she had posted that morning appeared on his screen. “That’s Harvard.”
“What would she be doing there? Early in the morning. And why is she being so secretive about it?”
“Maybe she’s photographing the chancellor of the university, or a Nobel Prize winner. She has very important subjects.” Deanna knew it too. “Why are you so worried about Mom all of a sudden, other than the broken ankle? It could happen to you or me too.”
“Not at two or three in the morning, at the top of a ladder.”
“Only because we’re married and have young kids. She probably has a lot of lonely nights to fill,” he said with more sensitivity than his sister.
Lost and Found Page 7
