When he pulled up, she was wearing a chic black pantsuit, one black shoe, and the infamous cast on the broken ankle that had started Deanna’s assault on their mother. Her hair was neatly pulled back, and she was wearing makeup. She had a tan, and she beamed the moment she saw him. What struck him was how youthful and beautiful she still was, and looked nowhere near her age. He hadn’t seen her in almost seven months, and was ashamed to admit it when he flipped back through his appointment book and figured it out. She hopped into the Range Rover with ease, agile despite the cast.
“You look terrific, Mom,” Ben said warmly after he hugged her. There was a sparkle in her eye, and despite the sad news about Andy, she was in better spirits than he expected. He hadn’t had an evening alone with her in eight years, since he’d married Laura, and she was very touched.
He drove down the hill to an excellent Italian restaurant and had asked for a quiet table where they could talk. He had expected her to be tired from the trip, and instead she was full of energy, and was proud to be with him when the maître d’ seated them. Ben asked for champagne for them before they ordered dinner.
“That’s quite an adventure you just had,” he said quietly. He had followed her the entire way on Instagram, and she still hadn’t called Deanna, or even texted her. She’d had no contact with her since she left New York.
“I needed to get away,” she said seriously. “After I broke my ankle, things got out of hand. I had a few run-ins with Deanna, and I needed time to think.” He didn’t admit that he’d heard all about them from his sister, and he could easily understand why she had dropped everything and run for a while. With threats like Deanna’s, he might have done the same. Ben was a quiet, thoughtful man, and he was assessing his mother as they spoke.
“What made you decide to look up Andy after all this time?”
“I found a box of old letters in the closet the night I fell. Not just from him. There were some from a man you probably don’t remember, Bob Holland. You were about seven when I started dating him.”
“I vaguely remember him,” Ben said as the waiter came and set the menus on the table and left.
“We dated for two years, and I was fairly serious about him. He moved to California for a venture capital job in Silicon Valley. We lost touch after that. I googled him and he has his own firm in Boston now. I wanted to catch up and see what had become of him.”
“And did you?” Ben was intrigued by what she was saying.
“I did. I always wondered if I’d made a mistake turning him down. I didn’t. He totally sold out. He married a woman from a prominent family in Boston, realized he’d made a mistake, and stayed married to her to protect his career because her father owned the firm he worked for. Somewhere along the way, I think he sold his soul to the devil for a major career and everything that goes with it. He’s been having affairs for years, would have been happy to do the same with me, and he’s not a nice guy. I definitely dodged a bullet there,” she said with a smile at her son, and he laughed.
“Sounds like it, although the trappings might be amusing.”
“Not in exchange for being married to the wrong woman. He’s had a loveless life, and he has no soul. Then I went to Chicago and had dinner with Jacques Masson, whom you probably do remember.” Ben grinned as soon as she said the name.
“I was in high school when you dated him. I had a lot of fun with him.” He smiled at the memories Jacques’s name conjured up.
“So did I, and he hasn’t changed a bit, except that he owns seven restaurants now, drives a Bentley, and the girls in his life have gotten younger. He’s having a ball. He has an eleven-year-old daughter he seems to be crazy about, but he didn’t marry her mother. He’s going to be a player forever. I guessed that one right. He cheated on me all the time,” she told Ben, now that he was old enough to hear it. “I got tired of it when we were dating. He’s still a nice person though. He said to send you his love.”
“Were you thinking of going back to either of them, Mom?” He wondered if she was looking for a husband now, before she got any older. He thought maybe Deanna had driven her to that, but Maddie shook her head.
“No, but I made strong decisions in my life, particularly after Andy. I never fell in love again, and I like my independent life, but when I read the letters, when I was laid up for a few days with my ankle, I wondered if I was right. I just wanted to see for myself who the men in my life were twenty or thirty years later. I knew my decision with Andy was right. I didn’t want to live in Wyoming, and I didn’t think he could survive in New York. It would have killed his soul.” Ben didn’t disagree with her from what he remembered of him.
They stopped talking and looked at the menus then, and the waiter took their order. “I never second-guessed the decision with Andy, and we only spoke a few times after we broke up. At some point, when the right situation hasn’t presented itself, you make a decision. Either to settle for something that’s not right and make your peace with it, or get bitter at the way your life turned out, or put your energies in another direction. I put mine into the three of you, and whatever was left over went into my career. And once you all grew up, and had less time to spend with me, understandably,” she said gently, “I poured everything into my work. It became the whole reason for my life. If it hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to let go and let you have your own lives. I had to find something else to dedicate myself to, body and soul. For the last fifteen years, it’s been my job. I lost interest in dating after Andy. I didn’t think I’d ever find a man I loved as much, so I developed my own life to justify what I’d done, and I’ve always assumed I would just keep plugging away forever and that would be my life until the end.
“None of you really need me anymore, you have your own families and partners, and Milagra has a life that seems to suit her, so I’ve had my career. I figured I would keep at it and come back to the firehouse and curl up between assignments, and then get back on the road again. It’s been good for me until now, and it fills the void you all inevitably left when you grew up. I never questioned it until now. I just stayed on my path. I figured I’d go on forever the way things are. It never occurred to me that could change.
“But when I broke my ankle, Deanna gave me a clear picture of what could happen, and what the future could look like. She wants me to sell my house. She thinks I should buy a co-op in an assisted living facility, in anticipation of when I can’t take care of myself. She wanted me to wear one of those geriatric falling alarms. All of a sudden I could envision everything I care about, and everything I’ve built my life on, being taken away from me: my work, my home, my freedom, my independence. I guess it could happen, but it had never occurred to me. I never thought I needed anyone to take care of me, not a husband or a man, and suddenly I could see where those choices could lead me, and maybe already have.
“After Andy, I decided it was okay to be alone, but that could land me in assisted living, no longer working, and wearing a falling alarm. It made me suddenly question everything I’ve done, and where I’m heading. It’s premature, but she seems to think I belong there now. I need to take control of my life again, and I just wanted to double back and make sure I had made the right decisions. I’ve been fine with being alone for all these years because I assumed that I could work forever, do what I wanted, live where I wanted, and take care of myself. Deanna is sure I can’t. It was a pretty horrifying realization. I needed to be alone to think about it and decide what I believe and what I want to do about it.”
“And what are you thinking now?” His heart ached while he listened to her, and he felt sick at what his sister had done, and how she’d handled it. Maddie hadn’t had a stroke, she had broken her ankle. She wasn’t dying, and she certainly wasn’t senile or feeble and failing in any way, but Deanna had made their mother feel that way, and doubt herself and fear for her future. It was almost abusive, and his sister had the delicacy of a
bull elephant.
“I calmed down while I was driving,” Maddie said, “and I realized that I’m still me and she can’t make me do what I don’t want to. I’m still of sound mind and body. I’m fifty-eight years old, not a hundred. There are plenty of photographers who have worked into their nineties, and I want to be one of them. I love my house and I’m not moving. If I need assisted living one day, I’ll figure it out then, but I hope I won’t. I know lots of old people who still live in their homes. And I’m not old yet, or not as old and helpless as Dee thinks, or wants to believe. I’m not falling apart because I broke my ankle. She had me running scared for a while, but I’m not scared anymore. Yes, I’ll get old one day, but I’m not there yet. And I’m not afraid to be alone. I made the right decisions for me.
“When I saw the men I had cared about, I realized I’d been right all along. I don’t need a man with no soul or integrity who’d sell himself for a plane, or a guy who can’t keep his hands off every woman who walks past him. And as much as I loved Andy, he was never the right man for me. Even if he’d been alive when I got to the ranch, he doesn’t belong in New York any more than I belong in Wyoming, and neither of us ever did. If I get old alone, it’s okay. It’s a choice I made because the right situation never came along, and the one I have works well for me.
“I’m not moving into assisted living just because I’m not married, or selling my house because Deanna doesn’t like my stairs and her high heels get caught in them. It’s my life and my house, I’ve made my own decisions. I’m not going to give up my work, or sit around waiting to die wearing an alarm now, because I’m going to get old one day. When I do, I’ll deal with it, but I hope it’s a long time off. And I’m not going to grab the nearest man so I don’t end my life alone. If I am alone, then that’s okay. It took me a while to figure it all out again. She had me panicked, but now I’m fine.”
She had come full circle back to where she’d been at the beginning, only her resolve had been strengthened. “I haven’t spoken to Deanna since I left New York two weeks ago, and I didn’t want to. She had me on the run. And none of these decisions are hers to make, they’re mine, until I truly can’t make them anymore. She even suggested I had Alzheimer’s. Your sister is not the most tactful person I know.” She still looked upset about her older daughter, and Ben agreed with her. His mother’s thinking processes and the conclusions she’d come to were entirely reasonable. The one who wasn’t was Deanna, and Ben intended to point that out to her again, after listening to his mother work her way through it. The trip had done her a world of good, and he was glad for her, and sorry that Deanna had upset her.
“I’m sorry you had to go through all that, Mom. Deanna should be horsewhipped.”
“Sometimes it’s good to take stock and make sure you’re on the path you want to be on. I am. And it was kind of fun seeing Bob and Jacques again.” She almost giggled as she said it, and Ben laughed. “I’m so damn glad I didn’t marry either of them. It would have been a huge mistake. I was right the first time, and about Andy too. If I’d seen him, I’m sure I would have felt the same way about him. I really loved him, and I’m sad he’s gone now. I’d have loved to see him again, for old times’ sake, but I wasn’t confused when I made the decision to leave him. I did it for the right reasons. Not everyone you love is the right person to marry. He wasn’t for me. I do get lonely sometimes, but I’m better off alone, enjoying my life and work, and all of you when you have time to see me, than married to the wrong person. I don’t need a man to protect me, or to keep me from feeling old.”
“I want to see more of you, Mom. I’ve been remiss about it. I promise I’m going to do better in the future. That really is my fault.” It was even more his wife’s, Maddie realized, but she didn’t want to say it to him.
“I know how busy you are. You all are,” she said, gently touching his hand. “That’s how it should be. It’s up to me to keep myself busy and engaged.”
“You shouldn’t have to fill every minute of your life with work, you have a family.” He was going to talk to Deanna about that too. And Milagra, no matter how weird she was, could make an effort too. Because one day they truly would no longer have their mother, and she had been good to them for all their lives, much better than they were to her. Instead of pushing her into assisted living with a geriatric alarm, Deanna should go to lunch with her sometime, or invite her to dinner or for a weekend. Assisted living was the right solution for some people, but not for a woman Maddie’s age, at the height of her career, in good health, and with all her faculties as clear as a bell. And the idea that she had Alzheimer’s was ridiculous.
“In a way, maybe it’s lucky I broke my ankle. It started such an avalanche that I reevaluated my whole life, and that’s never a bad thing.”
“It was unnecessary,” he said bleakly.
“I would never have seen my past loves again, and that was a good thing too. When I get back to New York, I’m going to be so happy to be in my house, on my own, and doing whatever I damn please.” She grinned at him. “And if Deanna shows up uninvited again, I’m locking the door in her face. She’s welcome when I say she is, and for the moment that’s not the case.”
“I don’t blame you, Mom. She says whatever she wants to all of us. She needs to watch her mouth in the future, and I’m going to tell her that myself. She can’t run roughshod over you. She needs to respect you and where and how you choose to live. You’re perfectly capable of deciding that for yourself.” He suspected it was why Milagra communicated so little with them. Deanna had always been tough on her, and Milagra didn’t want to deal with it. So she had closed the door on all of them and become a recluse. And if that was who she was, it was okay for her to be different, and even weird. It worked for her. She had done well for herself, to the degree she could. Ben’s assistant was addicted to her books.
“I think things have turned out fine,” Maddie said, looking relaxed as they started eating dinner. “And I had a nice time driving across the country.”
“You took some beautiful photographs, Mom.” And after realizing how solitary and lonely she was at times, he was never going to let seven months go by again without seeing her. She deserved so much more than that from them.
“Thank you, darling. I’m going to Mendocino, by the way. I wrote to Millie that I was here to see you, and she’s letting me come up for a few days.” Maddie had heard from her and Milagra had agreed to a visit. The word “let” irked him. They had all shut Maddie out of their lives in some way, for their own convenience and selfish reasons.
“I’m sorry I’m leaving for Hawaii so soon. We planned it months ago, or I’d change it,” he said quietly.
“You don’t have to. I can come out again if Laura doesn’t mind.”
“She won’t,” he said with his lips set in a thin line. “She’ll be happy to see you too.” He wasn’t going to leave it in Laura’s hands anymore. Maddie was his mother and it was his responsibility. He had allowed Laura to manhandle his mother too. He wanted his mother to spend more time with his children, and have the opportunity to know them better, even if they lived in San Francisco. She saw just as little of Deanna’s daughters, because Deanna made no effort either. They were all guilty of neglecting their mother, and he wanted that to change. His sisters had been even worse than he was.
They spent the rest of dinner talking about his children, his work, and hers. She almost said something about meeting William Smith in Big Sur, but she felt foolish doing so. Despite the roses, she probably wouldn’t have a chance to see him again. But he’d been pleasant company for a few days.
The meal had been delicious, and Ben dropped her off at The Fairmont at eleven, and headed home. She was coming to play with the children the following afternoon, and she would be staying for dinner. Laura said the kids had activities, and she had a committee meeting. Ben told her to cancel the children’s plans. Their grandmother was
in town, and it was more important for them to see her. Laura didn’t argue with him after he’d missed the benefit. They were playing by new rules.
Ben was setting the tone he knew now he should have established years ago, but was too blind to see.
When Maddie came to the house the next day, she had presents for the children, and she handed Laura a gift-wrapped box from Chanel. When Laura opened it, there was a beautiful rhinestone-studded black velvet evening bag inside, since they went out in black tie so frequently, and Laura’s face lit up like a child’s at Christmas.
“What a nice thing for you to do.” She hugged Maddie, who was pleased that she liked it, and then Maddie spent the afternoon on the floor with her grandchildren. Olive was an adorable three-year-old who was fascinated by her grandmother. Maddie played cars and trucks and dinosaurs and soldiers with Willie and Charlie, and all the games she used to play with their father. She hadn’t lost her touch, although it had been a long time. Those had been the best years of her life, although she didn’t know it then, and how quickly the years would slip by.
She helped the nanny give them baths and looked disheveled when she came down to dinner with Laura and Ben, after she read the children a bedtime story. Her hair was uncombed, Charlie had splashed her in the bath, and the baggy jeans that accommodated her cast were wet. She’d had them sign her cast, and they were thrilled.
“You look like a mess, Mom,” Ben teased her, grinning.
“I had a ball.” She smiled at her son and daughter-in-law. “And I need a drink.” They all laughed and Ben handed her a glass of white wine. The dinner Laura had ordered for them was excellent. Ben had let her hire a full-time chef because she hated to cook.
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