by Indiana Wake
“Yes, of course,” Grace said without breaking her stride.
She didn’t want to make something big out of it. She didn’t want to ask Janet why she had suddenly decided to turn to her for help after so many months of stoically refusing it. All she wanted was to find a quiet road which led to the little girl who needed friends more than she would admit.
“I just haven’t caught up yet and Miss Martin told Daddy. I’m just worried that he’ll stop me going out to play with Jimmy.”
“Well, we’ll just have to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Grace turned around and smiled at Janet in what she hoped was a conspiratorial way.
She wasn’t foolish enough to wait for Janet’s response, knowing full well how the girl would often choose to trip herself up on her own pride, rather than admit defeat of any kind.
At that moment the kitchen door opened, and Josh walked in. Catching his attention immediately, Grace motioned to him with her eyes that he should continue on through the kitchen and into the sitting room to give her and Janet a few more moments alone.
With a half wink, Josh did exactly as she had hoped.
“I sure am tired out. I’m just going to take a little nap in my chair for a few minutes, ladies.” He performed a funny little bow before continuing on to the sitting room.
Grace noted how he left the door wide open and knew that he wouldn’t be able to help himself from eavesdropping. The chair he ordinarily sat in was out of view and she hoped that Janet would soon forget he was there.
Grace continued to work in silence for some minutes before speaking again.
“We can get started just as soon as you like.” Grace did everything in her power to keep her excitement out of her voice, wanting the whole thing to seem normal and natural.
She couldn’t help but think that dealing with Janet was like dealing with an unbroken horse. Sometimes it looked as if they needed you, as if they wanted your company, and then, just as you reached out your hand, they reared up and took flight.
“Yes,” Janet said in a flat tone.
“We can take a little time this afternoon if you like? After we’ve eaten this bread-and-butter we can get on with it.”
“Yes,” Janet repeated in an equally flat tone.
“We can either sit here at the kitchen table or go into the sitting room, I don’t mind either,” Grace continued. “If it’s just reading you want to do, we’ll be more comfortable in the sitting room. But if you want to do some writing, we’ll need the kitchen table.” She was doing her best to sound simply practical when the truth was that she felt absolutely elated.
“Just reading at first.” Janet sounded a little defeated and Grace knew it was time to give her a break.
It was enough that she had agreed to help her, any thoughts of befriending her over it was something that she was going to have to curtail. Janet was a bright girl, as sharp as a razor, and she would quickly form the opinion that she was somehow being blackmailed; her friendship in return for help with reading and writing.
Although that couldn’t be further from the truth, Grace could easily see how a skeptical girl like Janet would instantly come to such a conclusion.
“Right, I’ve got some peach tea we can have with this bread-and-butter.” Grace was trying to return to normal.
Janet had returned to her silent world and Grace decided it would be best to leave her there for a while. She set the large plate of bread-and-butter down in the middle of the table along with glasses of peach tea. Janet sat impassively staring at it all, her face a picture of misery as if she had just lost the greatest battle of her life.
Grace set off through the kitchen to the sitting room in the pretense of going in to wake Josh. She knew, of course, that he couldn’t possibly have fallen asleep, not in that time, and he would have been listening intently in any case.
As she rounded the door she almost collided with him and had to stifle laughter when she realized that he had been hovering just inches from the doorway instead of sitting in his chair. The smile on his face told her immediately that he had heard every word of it and she had never seen him look as happy as he did at that moment.
Without a word he reached out and took her hand and held it gently for a moment, his green eyes fixed on hers before he gave it a hearty squeeze and let go. He nodded his thanks and she was certain that he couldn’t have gotten a word out there and then without giving away some emotion of some sort.
“Your food is ready, Josh. Sorry to wake you so soon,” she said and raised her eyebrows.
Josh made a great pretense of mumbling some response or other and shuffled into the kitchen with a little too much realism to be entirely believed.
As they all sat down to eat, Josh began to chatter about the customers he’d had that morning and any one of a number of other trivial points of conversation. Neither of them mentioned the reading and writing, and as Janet quietly munched on her food, she seemed to return to her normal self.
But Grace could see that Josh was struggling to contain his happiness and, throughout the meal, he repeatedly caught her eye and smiled at her.
For some days, the reading and writing lessons went well enough. Grace was careful not to try and force too much ordinary conversation between the two of them, and simply concentrated on doing what she had promised to do; to help Janet with her reading and writing.
In only a few sessions, Janet had improved no end and it became clear to Grace just how clever the child really was.
No doubt it had been her own pride and annoyance which had stopped Janet from progressing and catching up in the schoolroom itself. Still, in its own way, her attitude had helped to bring her onto Grace’s path for a while, and so she decided not to question it too deeply.
“And… then… the… horse… walked… th… th…” Janet paused and looked up at Grace for help.
“All right, just say it slowly. Look at all the letters and try to remember how each one sounds before you put it together,” Grace said gently.
“Th...” Janet’s voice was a whisper. “Thro….” She stopped in annoyance. “What sound does the g and the h make again?”
Grace did what she could to answer the peculiarly difficult question. In the end she made a sort of grunting sound to represent the g and h before laughing.
Amazingly, Janet began to laugh also, and Grace felt as if she were walking on eggshells, trying not to stand too heavily and break them all.
“Through?” Janet tried again.
“Yes, it sure is. Well done.” Grace continued to laugh gently. “Very well done considering my attempt at making that sound. I guess some things don’t make sense until you fit the whole thing together.”
“I guess not.” Janet had stopped laughing, but her demeanor seemed easier somehow.
“Why don’t we take a break for a minute?” Grace rose from the kitchen table where they had been leaning in over the book of children’s stories. “Do you want a slice of pie?”
“Yes, please,” Janet said cautiously, as if she was being lured into danger by the Pied Piper himself.
Grace cut the pie hurriedly and in silence and poured them each a small glass of fresh milk. She set it all down on the table before sitting and taking a forkful of the pie.
“I like apple pie best,” Grace said, cautiously trying to open up the conversation.
Janet didn’t respond, she just pulled the little plate toward her and began to eat. However, as they continued in silence, Grace realized that Janet was staring at her belly.
“I guess I’m getting kind of big,” Grace said and laughed gently. “And it’s certainly not the apple pie.” She looked at Janet cautiously and could see that she was still transfixed. “Do you have any questions?” She coaxed.
“Is the baby going to be that big when it comes out?” Janet looked dubious.
“No, this isn’t all baby.” Grace touched her stomach. “There’s a lot of water in there as well.”
“Water? But why?” Grace n
oticed that, as always, when there was something to interest Janet, she seemed to forget her preferred antagonism.
“I guess it’s kind of like a pillow to keep the baby safe. You know, if I fell over for any reason, something like that.”
“Like if you fell out of a tree?”
“Yes, just that. But being this big, I reckon I’d find it hard to get up into a tree in the first place.”
Janet suddenly burst out laughing and it was the first time that she had ever been truly, spontaneously, pleasant to Grace.
Something about it touched Grace deeply and she laughed herself to try to chase away the little stab of emotion that the young girl would very likely not understand.
“When is it going to come?” Janet had become serious again, although she was still interested more than anything.
“Just a few weeks away now. And with the hot weather we’re having, I sure will be glad of it.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not easy to carry this big lump in front of me everywhere I go, especially when I’m feeling so hot.”
“How long does it take to grow a baby?” Janet narrowed her eyes.
“About nine months,” Grace said and realized that Janet probably knew very little about it. “Do you know where babies come from?”
“Of course, I do,” Janet said in such a surly way that Grace wondered if that was the truth.
“Because if there’s anything you ever want to ask me, I’ll always tell you the truth. We girls always go through changes, and sometimes it can be a bit confusing. You’ll be changing a little yourself soon, and you can come to me any time you want to know something.” It was something that had occurred to Grace more than once.
A motherless child, especially a girl, could end up not knowing a thing about the world. Without a mother to explain, they were reliant upon stories, often from other children, and often muddled and incorrect.
“I know where babies get started,” Janet said a little defensively. “Jimmy’s sister told me and I know that she knows because she’s got one of her own.”
“Oh, well, that’s good.” Grace smiled but wondered why Janet was asking so many questions if Jimmy Dalton’s sister had already furnished her with all the information she needed.
“Why did you marry my daddy?” Janet asked so suddenly that Grace was taken off guard.
“So that we could help each other,” Grace said truthfully, although she realized that it wasn’t the fullest explanation.
“And does the baby belong to my daddy? I mean, did he make it?” Janet’s gaze narrowed accusingly.
“No, he did not.” Grace tried not to sound offended. After all, given that Janet seemed to know a thing or two already, it was quite natural for her to wonder. “I was already married before I came here, Janet. And I was already expecting this baby. But my husband had died just a few weeks before I met you.”
“I see,” Janet said, and Grace wasn’t sure if the child was relieved or not.
“And will you have other babies? Babies with my daddy?”
“No, no, that isn’t the plan. That isn’t how things are with me and your daddy,” Grace said and realized that the thought of having just one child wasn’t entirely a happy one.
Still, that was a thought for another day, certainly not one to grapple with when she had Janet and her questions to satisfy.
“I suppose we’d better finish the story,” Janet said and pushed her empty plate away from her and took up the book once again.
With their conversation over, Grace wondered if she had really made any headway at all. It was clear that Janet had wanted to satisfy her curiosity and Grace didn’t mind that at all. But she had to wonder if, now that Janet had the information she wanted, those few moments of friendship would be withdrawn again.
Because, as tentative as it was, Grace had enjoyed the only real conversation she’d ever had with her husband’s daughter.
Chapter 11
Grace still felt surprisingly energetic for someone so heavy with child. With Janet down in the schoolroom and Josh hard at work in the lumber yard, she found herself tearing about the house in a cleaning frenzy.
She laughed, remembering how Connie had described her activities as nesting. The idea that she was a bird making her nest ready for when her eggs came was probably not quite as ridiculous as it had first sounded to her.
The truth was that Grace didn’t know exactly where all this energy was coming from. She hadn’t really felt tired at all throughout the last few months and she hoped that it would continue right through the birth.
She tried not to think too much about the birth and its inherent dangers. After all, what good would it do to worry about it? She was going to have this baby no matter what and letting the anxieties of everything that could go wrong take over her would make everything harder, not easier.
With her chores all done, a meat pie slowly cooking in the stove for dinner, and a small amount of laundry out on the line, Grace wondered what she would do next.
She thought about taking an hour’s rest, perhaps reading for a while, but it felt somehow uninspiring. She still read, and often, but it was mostly at night as a means of getting to sleep.
She couldn’t help but think that stopping and taking time for herself in the middle of the day would make her feel a little bit guilty. Even though Josh had been determined that she slow down for a while, Grace couldn’t help but still feel that she needed to earn her keep.
She wasn’t being paid any longer, and Josh had certainly never done or said anything to make her feel that way, but she was still struggling a little to see the house as her home.
It was something she could hardly explain to herself, because she didn’t feel the least bit ill at ease there. The truth was, she felt at home without feeling she was home. It was ridiculous, but it was true.
And yet she knew that everything had worked out as well as it possibly could, given all that had happened to her.
She could hardly believe that it had been almost eight months since Peter had died out there on the Oregon Trail and yet, when she thought about everything that had happened since, all the changes to her life, it seemed like such a long time ago.
As always, thoughts of Peter reminded her of the life she was supposed to have. She knew she ought to have been sitting in a newly finished timber-framed house on a huge plot of farmland, making the place cozy with pretty fabrics and drapes while her husband worked long days trying to get their farm established.
But she struggled to feel the same sense of anger and injustice which had always accompanied the thoughts of everything her life should have been.
Perhaps it was because she still had a part of Peter with her when she had previously thought all was lost. Perhaps it was because she had safety and a secure future when she had never assumed for a moment that she would have such a thing again.
For all the sadness and loss, Grace was coming to see that she still had things in the world to be grateful for. It was the idea that life went on, she supposed, and she realized that it was only natural that she wouldn’t have believed such a thing when she had first arrived in Oregon, travel weary and alone.
She hoped that Peter would have approved of everything she had done to keep going, including marrying Josh. In her heart, she knew he would have approved. She was keeping his baby safe after all, and her marriage to Josh was in name only.
Well, not just name only; they were a partnership, just as Josh had said. Just two people with a child each, or one on the way, who wanted the stability of proper family life.
But didn’t a proper family include a husband and wife who loved each other?
Grace scrambled to her feet as if she had been slapped by her own thoughts. She needed to do something, to keep moving. She needed to use up some of the seemingly boundless energy, not to mention to distract herself from her own imaginings.
Striding into the sitting room, Grace bent forward awkwardly over her enormous belly and lif
ted the smallest of the floor rugs.
She knew she couldn’t seriously beat the dust from one of the larger ones and, in truth, none of them particularly needed it. But everything else was done, there was nothing left to do until it was time to take the meat pie out of the oven.
And so, with a grunt of exertion, Grace carried the little rug out to the washing line. Careful not to have it too close to her drying laundry, Grace draped the rug over the line and went off in search of the beater.
By the time she returned, Grace was already going off the idea. Still, she was there now, all set up, so she thought she might as well take a few swings with the rug beater.
The first hit was enough to tell her she would only need a couple more to get the barest amount of dust out. She laughed at herself for not being able to find anything better to do than beat an almost dust-free rug into submission.
But, as she took her second swing, Grace felt a sharp pain in her side and cried out as she dropped the rug beater and doubled over.
The pain seemed to subside immediately, but she was too afraid to straighten up in case it returned. With the idea that she had done something to hurt her baby, Grace felt suddenly filled with panic. She could feel the tell-tale beads of frightened perspiration forming on her forehead in the moments before she heard the sound of hasty footsteps running towards her.
“Grace? Grace?”
She recognized Josh’s voice and tried to straighten up.
The pain had gone, after all, even if it had left the jolt of fear behind. Of all things, she didn’t want to upset Josh unnecessarily.
“Steady now. Just take it slowly.” He was at her side so suddenly that she wondered how and why he was there.
“You’ve eaten already, Josh,” she said in as jovial a manner as she could manage. “Why are you back so soon?”
“I wanted a drink. This heat is wearing me out.” He put an arm around her back and rested his hand on what was left of her waistline. “Come on, let’s get you inside.”
“Thank you.” She was truly grateful that Josh had appeared when he did.
