One Thousand and One Nights

by Richard Burton

  My life redeem the scavenger! I love him passing dear, For, in

  his goodly gait, he’s like the zephyr-shaken bough.

  Fate blessed my eyes with him one night; and I to him did say,

  (Whilst in my bosom, as I spoke, desire did ebb and flow,)

  “Thou’st lit thy fire within my heart!” Whereto he answer made

  “What wonder though the scavenger have turned a

  fire-man now?”

  And indeed each is perfection in all that can charm the wit with mirth and jollity. But hearing is not like seeing; and indeed if thou wilt join us and put off going to thy friends, it will be better both for us and for thee: for the traces of sickness are yet upon thee and belike thou art going amongst talkative folk, who will prate of what does not concern them, or there may be amongst them some impertinent busybody who will split thy head, and thou still weak from illness.’ ‘This shall be for another day,’ answered I and laughed in spite of my anger. ‘Finish what thou hast to do for me and go in peace and enjoy thyself with thy friends, for they will be awaiting thy coming.’ ‘O my lord,’ replied he, ‘I only seek to bring thee in company with these pleasant folk, amongst whom there is neither meddlesomeness nor excess of talk; for never, since I came to years of discretion, could I endure to consort with those who ask of what concerns them not, nor with any except those who are, like myself, men of few words. Verily, if thou wert once to see them and company with them, thou wouldst forsake all thy friends.’ ‘God fulfil thy gladness with them!’ rejoined I. ‘Needs must I foregather with them one of these days.’ And he said, ‘I would it were to be to-day, for I had made up my mind that thou shouldst make one of us: but if thou must indeed go to thy friends to-day, I will take the good things, with which thy bounty hath provided me for them, to my guests, and leave them to eat and drink, without waiting for me, whilst I return to thee in haste and accompany thee whither thou goest; for there is no ceremony between me and my friends to hinder me from leaving them.’ ‘There is no power and no virtue but in God the Most High, the Supreme!’ cried I. ‘Go thou to thy friends and make merry with them and let me go to mine and be with them this day, for they expect me.’ ‘I will not let thee go alone,’ replied he: and I said, ‘None can enter where I am going but myself.’ Then said he, ‘I believe thou hast an assignation with some woman to-day; else thou wouldst take me with thee, for it is the like of me that furnishes a merry-making; or if thou go to any one with whom thou wouldst be private, I am the fittest of all men for thy purpose, for I would help thee to what thou desirest and look that none saw thee. I fear lest thou go in to some strange woman and lose thy life; for in this city one cannot do aught of the kind, especially on a day like this and under so keen and masterful a chief of the police as ours of Baghdad.’ ‘Out on thee, O wretched old man!’ cried I. ‘Avaunt! what words are these thou givest me?’ ‘O dolt!’ rejoined he, ‘thou sayest to me what is not true and hidest thy mind from me; but I know that this is so and am certain of it, and I only seek to help thee this day.’ I was fearful lest my people or the neighbours should hear the barber’s talk, so kept silence, whilst he finished shaving my head; by which time the hour of prayer was come and it was wellnigh time for the exhortation. When he had done, I said to him, ‘Take the meat and drink and carry them to thy friends. I will await thy return.’ For I thought it best to dissemble with the accursed fellow and feign compliance with his wishes, so haply he might go away and leave me. Quoth he, ‘Thou art deceiving me and wilt go alone and cast thyself into some peril, from which there will be no escape for thee. For God’s sake, do not go till I return, that I may accompany thee and see what comes of thine affair.’ ‘It is well,’ answered I: ‘do not be long absent.’ Then he took all that I had given him and went out; but, instead of going home with it, the cursed fellow delivered it to a porter, to carry to his house, and hid himself in a by-street. As for me, I rose at once, for the Muezzins had already chanted the Salutation, and, dressing myself in haste, went out and hurried to the house where I had seen the young lady. I found the old woman standing at the door, awaiting me, and went up with her to the young lady’s apartment. Hardly had I done so, when the master of the house returned from the mosque and entering the saloon, shut the door. I looked out from the window and saw this barber (God’s malison on him!) sitting over against the door, and said, ‘How did this devil find me out?’ At this moment, as God had decreed it for my undoing, it befell that a slave-girl belonging to the master of the house committed some offence, for which he beat her. She cried out, and a male slave came in to deliver her, whereupon the Cadi beat him also, and he too cried out. The cursed barber concluded that it was I he was beating and fell to tearing his clothes and strewing dust on his head, shrieking and calling for help. So the folk came round him, and he said to them, ‘My master is being murdered in the Cadi’s house!’ Then he ran, shrieking, to my house, with the folk after him, and told my people and servants: and before I knew what was forward, up they came, with torn clothes and dishevelled hair, calling out, ‘Alas, our master!’ and the barber at their head, in a fine pickle, tearing his clothes and shouting. They made for the house in which I was, headed by the barber, crying out, ‘Woe is us for our murdered master!’ And the Cadi, hearing the uproar at his door, said to one of his servants, ‘Go and see what is the matter.’ The man went out and came back, saying, ‘O my lord, there are more than ten thousand men and women at the door, crying out, “Woe is us for our murdered master!” and pointing to our house.’ When the Cadi heard this, he was troubled and vexed; so he went to the door and opening it, saw a great concourse of people; whereat he was amazed and said, ‘O folk, what is the matter?’ ‘O accursed one, O dog, O hog,’ replied my servants, ‘thou hast killed our master!’ Quoth he, ‘And what has your master done to me that I should kill him? Behold, this my house is open to you!’ ‘Thou didst beat him but now with rods,’ answered the barber; ‘for I heard his cries.’ ‘What has he done that I should beat him?’ repeated the Cadi; ‘and what brings him into my house?’ ‘Be not a vile, perverse old man!’ replied the barber; ‘I know the whole story. The long and the short of it is that thy daughter is in love with him and he with her; and when thou knewest that he had entered the house, thou badest thy servants beat him, and they did so. By Allah, none shall judge between us and thee but the Khalif! So bring us out our master, that his people may take him, before I go and fetch him forth of thy house and thou be put to shame.’ When the Cadi heard this, he was dumb for amazement and confusion before the people, but presently said to the barber, ‘If thou speak truth, come in and fetch him out.’ Whereupon the barber pushed forward and entered the house. When I saw this, I looked about for a means of escape, but saw no hiding-place save a great chest that stood in the room. So I got into the chest and pulled the lid down on me and held my breath. Hardly had I done this, when the barber came straight to the place where I was and catching up the chest, set it on his head and made off with it in haste. At this, my reason forsook me and I was assured that he would not let me be; so I took courage and opening the chest, threw myself to the ground. My leg was broken in the fall, and the door of the house being opened, I saw without a great crowd of people. Now I had much gold in my sleeve, which I had provided against the like of this occasion; so I fell to scattering it among the people, to divert their attention from me; and whilst they were busy scrambling for it, I set off running through the by-streets of Baghdad, and this cursed barber, whom nothing could divert from me, after me. Wherever I went, he followed, crying out, ‘They would have bereft me of my master and slain him who has been a benefactor to me and my family and friends! But praised be God who aided me against them and delivered my lord from their hands! Where wilt thou go now? Thou persistedst in following thine own evil devices, till thou broughtest thyself to this pass, and if God had not vouchsafed me to thee, thou hadst never won free from this strait, for they would have plunged thee into irremediable ruin. How long dost thou expect I shall live
to save thee? By Allah, thou hast well-nigh undone me by thy folly and thy perverseness in wishing to go by thyself! But I will not reproach thee with ignorance, for thou art little of wit and hasty.’ ‘Does not what thou hast brought upon me suffice thee,’ replied I, ‘but thou must pursue me with the like of this talk through the public streets?’ And I well-nigh gave up the ghost for excess of rage against him. Then I took refuge in the shop of a weaver in the midst of the market and sought protection of the owner, who drove the barber away. I sat down in the back shop and said to myself, ‘If I return home, I shall never be able to get rid of this accursed barber, for he will be with me night and day, and I cannot endure the sight of him.’ So I sent out at once for witnesses and made a will, dividing the greater part of my money among my people, and appointed a guardian over them, to whom I committed the charge of great and small directing him to sell my house and estates. Then I set out at once on my travels, that I might be free of this ruffian, and came to settle in your town, where I have lived for some time. When you invited me and I came hither the first thing I saw was this accursed pimp seated in the place of honour. How, then, can I be at my ease and how can it be pleasant to me to consort with you, in company with this fellow, who brought all this upon me and was the cause of the breaking of my leg and of my exile from my country and family?” And he refused to sit down and went away. When we heard the young man’s story (continued the tailor), we were beyond measure amazed and diverted and said to the barber, “Is it true that this young man says of thee?” “By Allah,” replied he, “I dealt thus with him of my courtesy and good sense and humanity. But for me, he had perished and none but I was the cause of his escape. Well for him that it was in his leg that he suffered and not in his life! Were I a man of many words or a busybody, I had not done him this kindness; but now I will tell you something that happened to me, that ye may know that I am indeed sparing of speech and no impertinent meddler, as were my six brothers; and it is this:

  John Payne’s translation: detailed table of contents

  The Barber’s Story.

  I was living at Baghdad, in the time of the Khalif Mustensir Billah, who loved the poor and needy and companied with the learned and the pious. One day, it befell that he was wroth with a band of highway robbers, ten in number, who infested the neighbourhood, and ordered the chief of the Baghdad police to bring them before him on the day of the Festival. So the prefect sallied out and capturing the robbers, embarked with them in a boat. I caught sight of them, as they were embarking, and said to myself, ‘These people are surely bound on some party of pleasure; methinks they mean to spend the day in eating and drinking, and none shall be their messmate but I.’ So, of the greatness of my courtesy and the gravity of my understanding, I embarked in the boat and mingled with them. They rowed across to the opposite bank, where they landed, and there came up soldiers and police officers with chains, which they put round the necks of the robbers. They chained me with the rest, and, O company, is it not a proof of my courtesy and spareness of speech that I kept silence and did not choose to speak? Then they took us away in chains and next morning they carried us all before the Commander of the Faithful, who bade strike off the heads of the ten robbers. So the herdsman came forward and made us kneel before him on the carpet of blood; then drawing his sword, struck off one head after another, till none was left but myself. The Khalif looked at me and said to the headsman, ‘What ails thee thou thou struck off but nine heads?’ ‘God forbid,’ replied he, ‘that I should behead only nine, when thou didst order me to behead ten!’ Quoth the Khalif, ‘Meseems, thou hast beheaded but nine and he who is before thee is the tenth.’ ‘By thy munificence,’ replied the headsman, ‘I have beheaded ten!’ So they counted the dead men, and behold, they were ten. Then said the Khalif to me, ‘What made thee keep silence at such a time and how camest thou in company with these men of blood? Thou art a man of great age, but assuredly thy wit is but little.’ When I heard the Khalif’s words, I replied, ‘Know, O Commander of the Faithful, that I am the Silent Elder, and am thus called to distinguish me from my six brothers. I am a man of great learning, whilst, as for the gravity of my understanding, the excellence of my apprehension and the spareness of my speech, there is no end to them; and by craft I am a barber. I went out early yesterday morning and saw these ten men making for a boat, and thinking they were bound on a party of pleasure, joined myself to them and embarked with them. After awhile, there came up the officers, who put chains round their necks and round mine amongst the rest, but in the excess of my courtesy, I kept silence and did not speak, nor was this other than generosity on my part. Then they brought us before thee and thou didst order the ten robbers’ heads to be stricken off; yet did I not make myself known to thee, purely of my great generosity and courtesy, which led me to share with them in their death. But all my life have I dealt thus nobly with the folk, and they still requite me after the foulest fashion.’ When the Khalif heard what I said and knew that I was a man of exceeding generosity and few words and no meddler (as this young man would have it, whom I rescued from horrors and who has so scurvily repaid me), he laughed so immoderately that he fell backward. Then said he to me, ‘O silent man, are thy six brothers like thee distinguished for wisdom and knowledge and spareness of speech?’ ‘Never were they like me,’ answered I; ‘thou dost me injustice, O Commander of the Faithful, and it becomes thee not to even my brothers with me: for, of the abundance of their speech and their lack of conduct and courtesy, each one of them has gotten some bodily defect. One is blind of an eye, another paralysed, a third blind, a fourth cropped of the ears and nose, a fifth crop-lipped and a sixth hunchbacked and a cripple. Thou must not think, O Commander of the Faithful, that I am a man of many words; but I must needs explain to thee that I am a man of greater worth and of fewer words than they. By each one of my brothers hangs a tale of how he came by his defect, and these I will relate to thee. Know then, O Commander of the Faithful that

  John Payne’s translation: detailed table of contents

  Story of the Barber’s First Brother.

  My first brother, the hunchback, was a tailor in Baghdad, and plied his craft in a shop, which he hired of a very rich man, who dwelt over against him and had a mill in the lower part of the house. One day, as my brother the hunchback was sitting in his shop, sewing, he chanced to raise his head and saw, at the bay-window of his landlord’s house, a lady like the rising full moon, engaged in looking at the passers-by. His heart was taken with love of her and he passed the day gazing at her and neglecting his business, till the evening. Next day, he opened his shop and sat down to sew: but as often as he made a stitch, he looked at the bay-window and saw her as before; and his passion and infatuation for her redoubled. On the third day, as he was sitting in his usual place, gazing on her, she caught sight of him, and perceiving that he had fallen a captive to her love, smiled in his face, and he smiled back at her. Then she withdrew and sent her slave-girl to him with a parcel of red flowered silk. The girl accosted him and said to him, “My lady salutes thee and would have thee cut out for her, with a skilful hand, a shift of this stuff and sew it handsomely.” “I hear and obey,” answered he; and cut out the shift and made an end of sewing it the same day. Next morning early, the girl came back and said to him, “My mistress salutes thee and would fain know how thou hast passed the night; for she has not tasted sleep by reason of her heart being taken up with thee.” Then she laid before him a piece of yellow satin and said to him, “My mistress bids thee cut her two pairs of trousers of this stuff and sew them this day.” “I hear and obey,” answered he; “salute her for me with abundant salutation and say to her, ‘Thy slave is obedient to thy commands so order him as thou wilt.’” Then he applied himself to cut out the trousers and used all diligence in sewing them. Presently the lady appeared at the window and saluted him by signs, now casting down her eyes and now smiling in his face, so that he made sure of getting his will of her. She did not let him budge till he had finished the two pairs
of trousers, when she withdrew and sent the slave-girl, to whom he delivered them, and she took them and went away. When it was night, he threw himself on his bed and tossed from side to side, till morning, when he rose and sat down in his shop. By-and-by, the slave-girl came to him and said, “My master calls for thee.” When he heard this, he was afraid; but the girl, seeing his alarm, to him, “Fear not: nought but good shall befall thee. My lady would have thee make acquaintance with my master.” So my brother rejoiced greatly and went out with her. When he came into his landlord’s presence he kissed the earth before him, and the latter returned his salute; then gave him a great piece of linen, saying, “Make this into shirts for me.” “I hear and obey,” replied my brother, and fell to work at once and cut out twenty shirts by nightfall, without stopping to taste food. Then said the husband “What is thy hire for this?” “Twenty dirhems,” answered my brother. So the man cried out to the slave-girl to give him twenty dirhems; but the lady signed to my brother not to take them, and he said, “By Allah, I will take nothing from thee!” And took his work and went away, though he was sorely in want of money. Then he applied himself to do their work, eating and drinking but little for three days, in his great diligence. At the end of this time, the slave-girl came to him and said, “What hast thou done?” Quoth he, “They are finished;” and carried the shirts to his landlord, who would have paid him his hire; but he said, “I will take nothing,” for fear of the lady, and returning to his shop, passed the night without sleep for hunger. Now the lady had told her husband how the case stood, and they had agreed to take advantage of his infatuation to make him sew for them for nothing and laugh at him. Next morning, as he sat in his shop, the servant came to him and said, “My master would speak with thee.” So he accompanied her to the husband, who said to him, “I wish thee to make me five cassocks.” So he cut them out and took the stuff and went away. Then he sewed them and carried them to the man, who praised his work and offered him a purse of money. He put out his hand to take it, but the lady signed to him from behind her husband not to do so, and he replied, “O my lord, there is no hurry: by-and-by.” Then he went out, more abject than an ass, for verily five things at once were sore upon him, love and beggary and hunger and nakedness and toil; nevertheless, he heartened himself with the hope of gaining the lady’s favours. When he had made an end of all their work, they put a cheat upon him and married him to their slave-girl. but when he thought to go in to her, they said to him, “Lie this night in the mill; and to-morrow all will be well.” My brother concluded that there was some good reason for this and passed the night alone in the mill. Now the husband had set on the miller to make my brother turn the mill; so in the middle of the night, the miller came in and began to say, “This ox is lazy and stands still and will not turn, and there is much wheat to be ground. So I will yoke him and make him finish grinding it this night, for the folk are impatient for their flour.” Then he filled the hoppers with grain and going up to my brother, with a rope in his hand, bound him to the yoke and said to him, “Come, turn the mill! Thou thinkest of nothing but eating and voiding.” Then he took a whip and laid on to my brother, who began to weep and cry out; but none came to his aid, and he was forced to grind the wheat till near daylight, when the husband came in and seeing him yoked to the shaft and the miller flogging him, went away. At daybreak the miller went away and left him still yoked and well nigh dead; and soon after in came the slave-girl, who unbound him and said to him, “I am grieved for what has befallen thee, and both I and my lady are full of concern for thee.” But he had no tongue wherewith to answer her, for excess of beating and toil. Then he returned to his lodging, and presently the notary who had drawn up the marriage contract came to him and saluted him, saying, “God give thee long life! May thy marriage be blessed! Thou hast doubtless passed the night clipping and kissing and dalliance from dusk to dawn.” “May God curse thee for a liar, thousandfold cuckold that thou art!” replied my brother. “By Allah, I did nothing but turn the mill in the place of the ox all night!” Quoth the notary, “Tell me thy story.” So my brother told him what had happened, and he said, “Thy star agrees not with hers: but if thou wilt, I can alter the contract for thee.” And my brother answered, “See if thou have another device.” Then the notary left him and he sat down in his shop, till some one should bring him work by which he might earn his day’s bread. Presently the slave-girl came to him and said, “My mistress would speak with thee.” “Go, my good girl,” replied he; “I will have no more to do with thy mistress.” So the girl returned to her mistress and told her what my brother had said, and presently she put her head out of the window, weeping and saying, “O my beloved, why wilt thou have no more to do with me?” But he made her no answer. Then she swore to him that all that had befallen him in the mill was without her sanction and that she was guiltless of the whole affair. When he saw her beauty and grace and heard the sweetness of her speech, he forgot what had befallen him and accepted her excuse and rejoiced in her sight. So he saluted her and talked with her and sat at his sewing awhile, after which the servant came to him and said, “My mistress salutes thee and would have thee to know that her husband purposes to lie this night abroad with some intimate friends of his; so when he is gone, do thou come to us and pass the night with her in all delight till the morning.” Now the man had said to his wile, “How shall we do to turn him away from thee?” Quoth she, “Let me play him another trick and make him a byword in the city.” But my brother knew nothing of the malice of women. As soon as it was night, the servant came to him and carried him to the house; and when the lady saw him, she said to him, “By Allah, O my lord, I have been longing for thee!” “By Allah,” replied he, “make haste and give me a kiss first of all.” Hardly had he spoken, when the master of the house came in from an inner room and seized him, saying, “By Allah, I will not let thee go, till I deliver thee to the chief of the police.” My brother humbled himself to him; but he would not listen to him and carried him to the prefect, who gave him a hundred lashes with a whip and mounting him on a camel, paraded him about the city, whilst the folk proclaimed aloud, “This is the punishment of those who violate people’s harems!” Moreover, he fell off the camel and broke his leg and so became lame. Then the prefect banished him from the city and he went forth, not knowing whither to turn; but I heard of his mishap and going out after him, brought him back and took him to live with me.’