One Thousand and One Nights

by Richard Burton

  Presently, Delileh sallied forth again in quest of prey, and the ass-driver met her and knew her. So he caught hold of her and said to her, ‘Out on thee! Hast thou been long at this trade?’ ‘What ails thee?’ asked she; and he answered, ‘Give me back my ass.’ ‘O my son,’ said she, ‘cover what God covers! Dost thou seek thine ass and the people’s things?’ Quoth he, ‘I want my ass; that’s all.’ And she said, ‘I saw that thou wast poor; so I deposited thine ass for thee with the Moorish barber. Stand off, whilst I speak him fair, that he may give thee the beast.’ So she went up to the barber and kissed his hand and wept. He asked her what ailed her and she said, ‘O my son, look at my son who stands yonder. He was ill and exposed himself to the air, which corrupted his wit. He used to buy asses and now, whether he sit or stand or walk, he saith nothing but “My ass!” Now I have been told by a certain physician that his mind is disordered and that nothing will cure him but drawing two of his grinders and cauterizing him twice on the temples. So do thou take this dinar and call him to thee, saying,” Thine ass is with me.”’ ‘May I fast for a year,’ said the barber, ‘if I do not give him his ass in his fist! ‘Now he had with him two journeymen; so he said to one of them, ‘Heat the irons.’

  Then the old woman went her way and the barber called to the ass-driver, saying, ‘Harkye, good fellow! Thine ass is with me; come and take him, and as thou livest, I will give him into thy hand.’ So he came to him and the barber carried him into a dark room, where he knocked him down and the journeymen bound him hand and foot. Then he pulled out two of his grinders and cauterized him on both temples; after which he let him go, and he rose and said, ‘O Moor, why hast thou used me thus?’ Quoth the barber, ‘Thy mother told me that thou hadst taken cold, whilst ill, and lost thy reason, so that, whether sitting or standing or walking, thou wouldst say nothing but “My ass!” So here is thine ass in thy fist.’ ‘God requite thee,’ said the other, ‘for pulling out my teeth!’ Then the barber told him all that the old woman had said and he exclaimed, ‘May God torment her!’ And the two went out, disputing, and left the shop. When the barber returned, he found his shop empty, for, whilst he was absent, the old woman had taken all that was therein and made off with it to her daughter, to whom she told all that had befallen. The barber, seeing this, caught hold of the ass-driver and said to him, ‘Bring me thy mother.’ But he answered, saying, ‘She is not my mother, but a sharper, who has swindled much people and stolen my ass.’

  At this moment up came the dyer and the Jew and the young merchant, who, seeing the barber holding on to the ass-driver and the latter cauterized on both temples, said to him, ‘What hath befallen thee, O ass driver?’ So he told them what had happened to him and the barber did the like; and the others in turn related to the Moor the tricks the old woman had served them. Then he shut up his shop and went with them to the Master of police, to whom they said, ‘We look to thee for compensation.’ Quoth he, ‘How many old women are there not in Baghdad! Doth any of you know her?’ ‘I do,’ answered the ass-man; ‘give me ten of thine officers.’ So he gave them half a score men and they all five went out, followed by the sergeants, and patrolled the city, till they met the old woman, when they laid hands on her and carrying her to the house of the Master of police, stood waiting without, till he should come forth.

  Presently the officers fell asleep, for excess of watching with their chief, and Delileh feigned to follow their example, till the ass-man and his fellows slept also, when she stole away from them and going in to the harem of the Master of police, kissed the hand of the mistress of the house and said to her, ‘Where is the Chief of the police?’ ‘He is asleep,’ answered the lady; ‘what wouldst thou with him?’ Quoth Delileh, ‘My husband is a slave-merchant and gave me five slaves to sell, whilst he went on a journey. The Master of police met me and bought them of me for a thousand dinars and two hundred for myself, saying, “ Bring them to my house.” So I have brought them.’

  Now the Master of police had given his wife a thousand dinars, saying, ‘Keep them by thee, that we may buy male slaves with them.’ So she believed the old woman’s story and said to her, ‘Where are the slaves?’ ‘They are asleep under the window,’ replied Delileh; whereupon the lady looked out and seeing the barber clad in a Levantine habit and the young merchant as he were a drunken white slave and the Jew and the dyer and the ass-driver as they were shaven white slaves, said in herself, ‘Each of these is worth more than a thousand dinars.’ So she opened a chest and gave the old woman the thousand dinars, saying, ‘Come back anon and when my husband wakes, I will get thee the other two hundred from him.’ ‘O my lady,’ answered the old woman, ‘a hundred of them are thine, under the sherbet-gugglet whereof thou drinkest, and the other hundred do thou keep for me till I come back. Now let me out by the private door.’ So she let her out, and [God] the Protector protected her and she made her way home to her daughter, to whom she related all that had passed, saying, ‘The one that troubles me most is the ass-driver, for he knows me.’ ‘O my mother,’ said Zeyneb, ‘abide quiet [awhile] and let what thou hast done suffice thee, for not always comes the pitcher off unbroken.’

  When the Chief of the police awoke, his wife said to him, ‘I give thee joy of the five slaves thou hast bought of the old woman.’ ‘What slaves?’ asked he. ‘Why dost thou mock me?’ answered she. ‘God willing, they shall become people of condition like unto thee.’ ‘As my head liveth,’ rejoined he, ‘I have bought no slaves! Who saith this?’ ‘The old woman, the brokeress,’ replied she,’from whom thou boughtest them; and thou didst promise her a thousand dinars for them and two hundred for herself.’ Quoth he, ‘Didst thou give her the money?’ ‘Yes,’ answered she; ‘for I saw the slaves with my own eyes, and on each is a suit of clothes worth a thousand dinars; so I sent out to bid the sergeants have an eye to them.’

  So he went out and said to the officers, ‘Where are the five slaves we bought for a thousand dinars of the old woman?’ ‘There are no slaves here,’ answered they; ‘only these five men, who found the old woman and brought her hither. We fell asleep, whilst waiting for thee, and she stole away and entered the harem. Presently out came a maid and said to us, ‘Are the five with you with whom the old woman came?’ And we answered, ‘Yes.’ ‘By Allah,’ cried the Master of police, ‘this is a rare great swindle!’ And the five men said, ‘We look to thee for our goods.’ Quoth the Master of police, ‘The old woman, your mistress, sold you to me for a thousand dinars.’ ‘That were not allowed of God,’ answered they: ‘we are free-born men and may not be sold, and we appeal from thee to the Khalif.’ ‘None showed her the way to the house save you,’ rejoined the Master of police, ‘and I will sell you to the galleys for two hundred dinars apiece.’

  Just then, up came the Amir Hassan Sherr et Teric, who, on his return from his journey, had found his wife stripped of her clothes and jewellery and heard from her all that had passed; whereupon quoth he, ‘The Master of police shall answer me this;’ and repairing to him, said, ‘Dost thou suffer old women to go round about the town and cozen folk of their goods? This is thy business and I look to thee for my wife’s property.’ Then said he to the five men, ‘What is to do with you?’ So they told him their stories and he said, ‘Ye are oppressed,’ and turning to the Master of police, said to him, ‘Why dost thou detain them?’ ‘It was they who brought her to my house,’ answered he, ‘so that she took a thousand dinars of my money and sold them to my women.’ ‘O Amir Hassan,’ cried the five men, ‘be thou our advocate in this affair.’

  Then said the Master of police to the Amir, ‘Thy wife’s goods are at my charge and I will be surety for the old woman. But which of you knows her?’ ‘We all know her,’ answered they. ‘Send ten men with us, and we will take her.’ So he gave them ten men, and the ass-driver said to them, ‘Follow me, for I should know her with blue eyes.” Then they went out and presently they met the old woman coming out of a by-street: so they laid hands on her and brought her to the master of the police, who s
aid to her, ‘Where are the people’s goods?’ And she answered, saying, ‘I have neither taken them nor seen them.’ Then said he to the gaoler, ‘Take her and clap her into prison till the morning’ But he said, ‘I will not take her, lest she play a trick on me and I be answerable for her.’ So the Master of police took horse and rode out with Delileh and the rest to the bank of the Tigris, where he bade the executioner crucify her by her hair. So he bound her on the cross and drew her up by the pulley; after which the Master of police set ten men to guard her and went home. Presently, the night fell down and sleep overcame the watchmen.

  Now a certain Bedouin heard one man say to another, ‘Praised be God for thy safe return! Where hast thou been?’ ‘In Baghdad,’ answered the other, ‘where I breakfasted on honey-fritters.’ Quoth the Bedouin to himself, ‘Needs must I go to Baghdad and eat honey-fritters;’ for in all his life he had never entered Baghdad nor seen fritters of the sort. So he mounted his horse and rode on towards Baghdad, saying in himself, ‘It is a fine thing to eat honey-fritters! On the honour of an Arab, I will not break my fast on nothing else!’ till he came to the place where Delileh was crucified and she heard him saying this. So he went up to her and said to her, ‘What art thou?’ Quoth she, ‘O Sheik of the Arabs, I throw myself on thy protection!’ ‘May God indeed protect thee!’ answered he. ‘But what is the cause of thy crucifixion?’ Said she, ‘I have an enemy, an oilman, who fries fritters, and I stopped to buy of him, when I chanced to spit and the spittle fell on the fritters. So he made his complaint to the judge, who commanded to crucify me, saying, “I adjudge that ye take ten pounds of honey-fritters and feed her therewith. If she eat them, let her go, but if not, leave her hanging.” And my stomach will not brook sweet things.’ ‘By the honour of the Arabs,’ cried the Bedouin, ‘I departed not the camp but that I might eat honey-fritters! I will eat them for thee.’ Quoth she, ‘None may eat them, except he be hung up in my place.’ He fell into the trap and unbound her; whereupon she bound him in her room, after she had stripped him of his clothes and turban and put them on; then, mounting his horse, she rode to her house, where Zeyneb said to her, ‘What meaneth this plight?’ And she answered, saying, ‘They crucified me :’ and told her all that had befallen her.

  To return to the watchmen; the first who woke roused his companions and they saw that the day had risen. So one of them raised his eyes and said, ‘Delileh!’ ‘By Allah!’ answered the Bedouin, ‘I have not eaten all night. Have ye brought the honey-fritters?’ And they said, ‘This is a man and a Bedouin.’ Then said one of them to him, ‘O Bedouin, where is Delileh and who loosed her?’ ‘It was I,’ answered he; ‘she shall not eat the honey-fritters against her will; for her soul abhorreth them.’ So they knew that he was a man ignorant of her case, whom she had cozened, and said to one another, ‘Shall we flee or abide the accomplishment of that which God hath decreed to us?’

  As they were talking, up came the chief of the police, with all the folk whom the old woman had cheated, and said to the guards, ‘Arise, loose Delileh.’ Quoth the Bedouin, ‘We have not eaten to-night. Hast thou brought the honey-fritters?’ Whereupon the Master of police raised his eyes and seeing the Bedouin strung up in place of the old woman, said to the watchmen, ‘What is this?’ ‘Pardon, O our lord!’ cried they; and he said, ‘Tell me what has happened’ ‘We were weary with watching with thee on guard,’ answered they, ‘and said, “ Delileh is crucified.” So we fell asleep, and when we awoke, we found the Bedouin strung up in her stead; and we are at thy mercy.’ ‘God’s pardon be upon you!’ answered the master of police. ‘She is indeed a clever cheat!’ Then they unbound the Bedouin, who laid hold of the master of police, saying, ‘God succour the Khalif against thee! I look to none but thee for my horse and clothes! So the chief of the police questioned him and he told him what had passed between Delileh and himself. ‘Why didst thou release her?’ asked the magistrate, and the Bedouin said, ‘I knew not that she was a swindler.’ Then said the others, ‘O chief of the police, we look to thee for our goods; for we delivered the old woman into thy hands and she was in thy guard; and we cite thee before the Divan of the Khalif.’

  Now the Amir Hassan had gone up to the Divan, when in came the master of police with the Bedouin and the five others, saying, ‘We are wronged men!’ ‘Who hath wronged you?’ asked the Khalif. So each came forward in turn and told his story, after which said the master of police, ‘O Commander of the Faithful, the old woman cheated me also and sold me these five men as slaves for a thousand dinars, albeit they are free-born.’ Quoth Er Reshid, ‘I take upon myself all that you have lost.’ Then he said to the master of police, ‘I charge thee with the old woman.’ But he shook his collar, saying, ‘O Commander of the Faithful, I will not answer for her; for, after I had strung her up on the cross, she tricked this Bedouin and tied him up in her room and made off with his clothes and horse.’ Quoth the Khalif, ‘Whom but thee shall I charge with her?’ Charge Ahmed ed Denef,’ answered the Master of police; ‘for he has a thousand dinars a month and one-and-forty followers, at a monthly wage of a hundred dinars each.’ So the Khalif said, ‘Harkye, Captain Ahmed!’ ‘At thy service, O Commander of the Faithful,’ answered he; and the Khalif said, ‘I charge thee to bring the old woman before me.’ ‘I will answer for her,’ replied Ahmed.

  Then the Khalif kept the Bedouin and the five complainants with him, whilst Ahmed and his men went down to their hall, saying to one another, ‘How shall we lay hands on her, seeing that there are many old women in the town?’ [And Ahrned said to Hassan Shouman, ‘What counsellest thou?’] Whereupon quoth one of them, by name Ali Kitf el Jemel, to Ed Denef, ‘Of what dost thou take counsel with Hassan Shouman? Is he any great matter?’ ‘O Ali,’ said Hassan, ‘why dost thou disparage me? By the Mighty Name, I will not company with thee at this time!’ And he rose and went out in anger. Then said Ahmed, ‘O lads, let each sergeant take ten men and search for Delileh, each in his own quarter.’ And they agreed to rendezvous in such a place.

  It was noised abroad in the city that Ahmed ed Denef had undertaken to lay hands on Delileh the Crafty, and Zeyneb said to her mother, ‘O my mother, if thou be indeed a trickstress, do thou befool Ahmed ed Denef and his company.’ ‘I fear none but Hassan Shouman,’ answered Delileh; and Zeyneb said, ‘By my browlock, I will get thee the clothes of all the one-and-forty.’ Then she dressed and veiled herself and going to a druggist, who had a saloon with two doors, gave him a dinar and said to him, ‘Let me thy saloon till the end of the day and take this dinar to its hire.’ So he gave her the keys and she fetched carpets and so forth on the stolen ass and furnishing the place, set in each estrade a table of meat and wine. Then she went out and stood at the door, with her face uncovered.

  Presently, up came Ali Kitf and his men, and she kissed his hand. He fell in love with her, seeing her to be a handsome girl, and said to her, ‘What dost thou want?’ Quoth she, ‘Art thou Captain Ahmed ed Denef?’ ‘No, answered he; ‘but I am of his company and my name is Ali Kitf el Jemel.’ ‘Whither go you?’ asked she, and he said, ‘We go in quest of a sharkish old woman, who has stolen the people’s goods, and we mean to lay hands on her. But who art thou and what is thy business?’ Quoth she, ‘My father was a vintner at Mosul and he died and left me much money. So I came hither, for fear of the judges, and asked the people who would protect me, to which they replied, “ None but Ahmed et Denef”’ ‘From this day forth,’ said the men, ‘thou art under his protection;’ and she said, ‘Favour me by eating a morsel and drinking a draught.’ They consented and entering, ate and drank till they were drunken, when she drugged them with henbane and stripped them of their clothes and arms; and on like wise she did with the three other companies.

  Presently, Ahmed ed Denef went out to look for Delileh’ but found her not, neither set eyes on any of his followers, and went on till he came to the door where Zeyneb was standing. She kissed his hand and he looked on her and fell in love with her. Quoth she, ‘Art thou Captain Ahmed ed Denef?
’ ‘Yes,’ answered he. ‘Who art thou?’ And she said, ‘I am a stranger. My father was a vintner at Mosul and he died and left me much wealth, with which I came to this city, for fear of the judges, and opened this wine-shop. The Master of police hath imposed a tax on me, but it is my desire to put myself under thy protection and pay thee what the police would take of me, for thou hast the better right to it.’ Quoth he, ‘Thou shalt have my protection and welcome: do not pay him aught.’ Then said she, ‘Heal my heart and eat of my victual.’ So he entered and ate and drank, till he could not sit upright, when she drugged him and took his clothes and arms. Then she loaded her purchase on the ass and the Bedouin’s horse and made off with it, after she had aroused Ali Kitf. The latter awoke and found himself naked and saw Ahmed and his men drugged and stripped. So he revived them with the counter-drug and they awoke and saw themselves naked. Quoth Ahmed, ‘O lads, what is this? We were going about to catch her, and lo, this strumpet hath caught us! How Hassan Shouman will crow over us! But we will wait till it is dark and then go away.’

  Meanwhile Hassan Shouman said to the hall-keeper, ‘Where are the men?’ As he spoke, up they came, naked; and he recited the following verses:

  Men in their purpose are alike and what they hope and fear: ’Tis in the issues, ‘twixt the folk, that difference doth appear.

  Some men for ignorant are known and other some for wise, Even as in heaven some stars are dull and others bright and clear.

  Then he said to them, ‘Who hath played you this trick?’ and they answered, saying, ‘We were in quest of an old woman, and a handsome girl stripped us.’ ‘She hath done well,’ said Hassan. ‘Dost thou know her?’ asked they. ‘Yes,’ answered Hassan; ‘I know her and the old woman too.’ Quoth they, ‘What shall we say to the Khalif?’ And he said, ‘O Denef, do thou shake thy collar before him, and if he ask why thou hast not caught her, say thou, “ We know her not; but charge Hassan Shouman with her.” And if he give her into my charge, I will lay hands on her.’