One Thousand and One Nights

by Richard Burton

  The Seven Hundred and Forty-seventh Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Syrian and the three ladies ceased not to persevere in the drinking of wine until the noon o’ night, at which time he would not distinguish between masculine and feminine from the excess of his wine-bibbing, so he said to one of the three, “Allah upon thee, O my lady, what may be the name of thee?” She replied, “I am hight ‘Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me?’” Whereat he exclaimed, “No, Walláhi!” Then he up-propped himself on his elbow and rising from the ground said to the second, “Thou, O my lady, and life-blood of my heart, what is thy name?” She answered, “I am hight ‘Never-sawest-thou-my-like,’” and he replied, “Inshallah — what Allah willeth — O my lady Never-sawest-thou-my-like.” Then said he to the third, “And thou, O dearling of my heart, what may be the name of thee?” And said she, “I am hight ‘Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me.’” When he heard these words he cried out with a loud outcry and fell to the ground saying, “No, by Allah, O my lady Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me.”380 But when the three women regarded him his reason was upset and they forced upon him more wine-bibbing whilst he cried to them, “Fill for me, ho my lady Never-sawest-thou-my-like, and thou too, my lady Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me, and eke thou, O my lady Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me.” And they drove him to drink still more until he fell to the ground without a vein swelling381 for he had become drunken and dead drunk. When they saw him in this condition they doffed his turband and crowned him with a cap, and fringes projecting from the peak,382 which they had brought with them; then they arose and finding in his room a box full of raiment and ready money, they rifled all that was therein. Presently they donned their dresses and, waiting until the door of the Wakalah was opened after the call to the morning-prayer, they went their ways and the Veiler vouchsafed them protection383 and they left the Syrian man in his room strown as a tried toper and unknowing what the women had done with him of their wile and guile. Now when it was the undurn-hour he awoke from his crapula and opening his eyes, cried, “Ho my lady Never-sawest-thou-my-like! and ho my lady Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me! and ho my lady Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me!” But none returned to him any reply. Then he pulled himself together and glanced carefully around but his sight fell not upon anyone beside him, so he arose and went to the box wherein he found never a single thing. This restored him to his right senses and he recovered from his drink and cried, “There is no Majesty and there is no Might save in Allah, the Glorious, the Great: this be a judgment they have wrought for me.” Then he went forth still wearing the tall fringed cap and knowing nothing of himself and, when he had issued from his caravanserai, he cried to everyone he met in the streets, “I am seeking Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me?” and the men would reply, “No, I never sighted the like of thee;” and to a second he would say, “I am looking for one Never-sawest-thou-aught-like-me;” and the other would answer, “Indeed, I never beheld thy fellow;” then he would ask a third, “Hast thou seen one Look-at-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me?” and the questioned would answer, “Indeed, I have looked at thee but I know thee not at all.” And he ceased not wandering about, bonnet on head, and everyone who met him by the way returned to him the like replies until he came upon a party of folk who were in front of a barber’s booth.384 There he cried upon them also, “Ah! Hast-thou-seen-aught-like-me! and Ah! Never-sawest-thou-my-like! and Ah! Look-upon-me-and-thou-shalt-know-me!” Hereat, understanding that he was touched in brain and this was a judgment that had been wrought upon him, they seized him and forced him into the barber’s shop and bringing a mirror set it in his hands. When he looked therein he found a fool’s cap upon his head, so forthwith he tore it off and took thought and said to those present, “Who of you can guide me to those three women?” They said to him, “O Syrian, march off with thyself to thy own land for that the folk of Egypt can play with the egg and the stone.”385 So he arose without stay and delay; then, taking what provaunt was sufficient for the way and what little of fine raiment had been left to him, he quitted Cairo intending for his own country. Now the Emir hearing this tale of the Shahbandar wondered thereof with extreme wonderment and said to the Gentleman, “An thou have finished do thou fare forth and go about thy business.” Accordingly he went from him still garbed in gaberdine and bonnet on head when the house-master asked his wife, “Who of them here remaineth with thee?” And she answered, “Have patience and I will bring thee the third.” So she arose and opening another closet summoned the Flesher and taking him by the hand, whilst he was ashamed and abashed, led him till he stood before her spouse and the poor fellow availed not to raise his eyes from the ground. Presently the husband considered him and knew him and was certified that he was Such-and-such the Chief Butcher and head of the craft, so he said to him, “Ho thou the clever one, do thou dance for us a wee and after that tell us a tale.” Accordingly he stood up and clapped hands and fell to dancing and prancing till such time as he dropped down for fatigue; after which he said, “O my lord, I have by me a tale anent the craft and cunning of women.” Asked the other, “And what may it be?” and the Butcher began to relate the tale of

  Richard Francis Burton’s translation: detailed table of contents

  The Lady with Two Coyntes.

  It is told of a woman which was a fornicatress and adulteress and a companion of catastrophes and calamities that she was married to a Káim-makám386 who had none of the will of mankind to womankind, at all, at all. Now the wife was possessed of beauty and loveliness and she misliked him for that he had no desire to carnal copulation, and there was in the house a Syce-man who was dying for his love of her. But her husband would never quit his quarters, and albeit her longing was that the horse-keeper might possess her person and that she and he might lie together, this was impossible to her. She abode perplext for some sleight wherewith she might serve her mate, and presently she devised a device and said to him, “O my lord, verily my mother is dead and ’tis my wish to hie me and be present at her burial and receive visits of condolence for her; and, if she have left aught by way of heritage, to take it and then fare back to thee.” “Thou mayest go,” said he, and said she, “I dread to fare abroad alone and unattended; nor am I able to walk, my parent’s house being afar. Do thou cry out to the Syce that he fetch me hither an ass and accompany me to the house of my mother, wherein I shall lie some three nights after the fashion of folk.” Hereupon he called to the horse-keeper and when he came before him, ordered the man to bring an ass,387 and mount his mistress and hie with her; and the fellow, hearing these words, was hugely delighted. So he did as he was bidden, but instead of going to the house they twain, he and she, repaired to a garden carrying with them a flask of wine and disappeared for the whole day and made merry and took their pleasure388 until set of sun. Then the man brought up the ass and mounting her thereon went to his own home, where the twain passed the entire night sleeping in mutual embrace on each other’s bosoms, and took their joyance and enjoyment until it was morning tide. Hereupon he arose and did with her as before, leading her to the garden, and the two, Syce and dame, ceased not to be after this fashion for three days solacing themselves and making merry and tasting of love-liesse. On the fourth day he said to her, “Do thou return with us to the house of the Kaim-makam,” and said she, “No; not till we shall have spent together three days more enjoying ourselves, I and thou, and making merry till such time as I have had my full will of thee and thou thy full will of me; and leave we yon preposterous pimp to lie stretched out, as do the dogs,389 enfolding his head between his two legs.” So the twain ceased not amusing themselves and taking their joyance and enjoyment until they had ended the six days, and on the seventh they we
nded their way home. They found the Kaim-makam sitting beside a slave which was an old negress; and quoth he, “You have disappeared for a long while!” and quoth she, “Yes, until we had ended with the visits of condolence for that my mother was known to foyson of the folk. But, O my lord, my parent (Allah have ruth upon her!) hath left and bequeathed to me a somewhat exceeding nice.” “What may that be?” asked he, and answered she, “I will not tell thee aught thereof at this time, nor indeed until we remain, I and thou, in privacy of night, when I will describe it unto thee.” — And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the King suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

  The Seven Hundred and Fifty-first Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the woman said to her husband, “My mother hath left and bequeathed to me somewhat, but I will not tell thee thereof till the coming night when we twain shall be alone.” “’Tis well,” said he; after which he continued to address himself, “Would Heaven I knew what hath been left by the mother of our Harím!”390 Now when darkness came on and he and she had taken seats together, he asked her, “What may be the legacy thy mother left?” and she answered, “O my lord, my mother hath bequeathed to me her Coynte being loath that it be given to other save myself and therefore I have brought it along with me.” Quoth he of his stupidity (for he was like unto a cosset),391 “Ho thou, solace me with the sight of thy mother’s Coynte.” Hereupon she arose; and, doffing all she had on her of dress until she was mother-naked, said to him, “O my lord, I have stuck on my mother’s Coynte hard by and in continuation of mine own cleft and so the twain of them have remained each adjoining other between my hips.” He continued, “Let me see it;” so she stood up before him and pointing to her parts, said, “This which faceth thee is my coynte whereof thou art owner;” after which she raised her backside and bowing her head groundwards showed the nether end of her slit between the two swelling cheeks of her sit-upon, her seat of honour, crying, “Look thou! this be the Coynte of my mother; but, O my lord, ’tis my wish that we wed it unto some good man and pleasant who is faithful and true and not likely treason to do, for that the Coynte of my mother must abide by me and whoso shall intermarry therewith I also must bow down to him whilst he shall have his will thereof.” Quoth the Kaim-makam, “O sensible say! but we must seek and find for ourselves a man who shall be agreeable and trustworthy,” presently adding, “O woman, we will not give the Coynte of thy mother in marriage to some stranger lest he trouble thee and trouble me also; so let us bestow this boon upon our own Syce.” Replied the wife of her craft and cursedness, “Haply, O my lord, the horsekeeper will befit us not;”, yet the while she had set her heart upon him. Rejoined the Kaim-makam her husband, “If so it be that he have shown thee want of respect we will surely relieve him of his lot.” But after so speaking he said a second time, “’Tis better that we give the Coynte of thy mother to the Syce;” and she retorted, “Well and good! but do thou oblige him that he keep strait watch upon himself.” Hereat the man summoned his servant before him and said to him, “Hear me, O Syce; verily the mother of my wife to her hath bequeathed her Coynte, and ’tis our intent to bestow it upon thee in lawful wedlock; yet beware lest thou draw near that which is our own property.” The horsekeeper answered, “No, O my lord, I never will.” Now after they arrived at that agreement concerning the matter in question, whenever the wife waxed hot with heat of lust she would send for the Syce and take him and repair with him, he and she, to a place of privacy within the Harem, whilst her mate remained sitting thoroughly satisfied, and they would enjoy themselves to the uttermost, after which the twain would come forth together. And the Kaim-makam never ceased saying on such occasions, “Beware, O Syce, lest thou poach upon that which is my property;” and at such times the wife would exclaim, “By Allah, O my lord, he is a true man and a trusty.” So they continued for a while392 in the enjoyment of their luxury and this was equally pleasurable to the husband and wife and the lover. Now when the Emir heard this tale from the Butcher, he began laughing until he fell upon his back and anon he said to him, “Wend thy ways about thine own work;” so the Flesher went forth from him not knowing what he should do in his garb of gaberdine and bonnet. Hereupon the woman arose and going to the fourth closet threw it open and summoned and led the Trader man by the hand and set him before her husband who looked hard at him in his droll’s dress and recognised him and was certified of him that he was his neighbour. So he said, “Ho Such-an-one! Thou art our neighbour and never did we suspect that thou wouldst strive to seduce our Harím;393 nay rather did we expect thee to keep watch and ward over us and fend off from us all evil.394 Now by Allah, those whom we have dismissed wrought us no foul wrong even as thou wroughtest us in this affair; for thou at all events art our neighbour. Thou deservest in this matter that I slay thee out of hand, but Default cometh not save from the Defaulter; therefore I will do thee no harm at all as did I with thy fellows even save that needs must thou tell us a tale whereby to rejoice us.”395 Quoth he, “Hearing and obeying,” and herewith fell to relating the story of

  Richard Francis Burton’s translation: detailed table of contents

  The Whorish Wife who Vaunted her Virtue.

  It is related that once upon a time there was a man which was an astronomer396 and he had a wife who was singular in beauty and loveliness. Now she was ever and aye boasting and saying to him, “O man, there is not amongst womankind my peer in nobility397 and chastity;” and as often as she repeated this saying to him he would give credit to her words and cry, “Walláhi, no man hath a wife like unto the lady my wife for high caste and continence!” Now he was ever singing her praises in every assembly; but one day of the days as he was sitting in a séance of the great, who all were saying their says anent womankind and feminine deeds and misdeeds, the man rose up and exclaimed, “Amongst women there is none like my wife, for that she is pure of blood and behaviour;” hereat one of those present said to him, “Thou liest, O certain person!” — And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

  The Seven Hundred and Fifty-fourth Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that while the man was singing the praises of his spouse one of those present rose and said to him, “Walláhi, thou liest, O certain person!” “Wherein do I lie?” quoth he, and quoth the other, “I will teach thee and show thee manifestly whether thy wife be a lady or a whore. Do thou rise up from amongst us and hie thee home and go thou in to her and say, ‘O woman, I am intent upon travelling to a certain place and being absent for a matter of four days and after will return; so do thou arise, O woman, and bring me some bread and a mould of cheese by way of viaticum.’ Then go thou forth from beside her and disappear for a while; and presently returning home hide thee in a private place without uttering a word.” Cried those present, “By Allah, indeed these words may not be
blamed.” Accordingly, the man went forth from them and fared till he entered his house where he said, “O woman, bring me something of provision for a journey: my design is to travel and to be absent for a space of four days or haply six.” Cried the wife, “O my lord, thou art about to desolate me nor can I on any wise bear parting from thee; and if thou needs must journey do thou take me with thee.” Now when the man heard these the words of his wife he said to himself, “By Allah, there cannot be the fellow of my spouse amongst the sum of womankind,” presently adding to her, “I shall be away from four to six days but do thou keep watch and ward upon thyself and open not my door to anyone at all.” Quoth she, “O Man, how canst thou quit me?398 and indeed I cannot suffer such separation.” Quoth he, “I shall not long be separated from thee;” and so saying he fared forth from her and disappeared for the space of an hour, after which he returned home softly walking and hid himself in a place where none could see him. Now after the space of two hours behold, a Costermonger399 came into the house and she met him and salam’d to him and said, “What hast thou brought for me?” “Two lengths of sugar-cane,” said he, and said she, “Set them down in a corner of the room.” Then he asked her, “Whither is thy husband gone?” and she answered, “On a journey: may Allah never bring him back nor write his name among the saved and our Lord deliver me from him as soon as possible!” After this she embraced him and he embraced her and she kissed him and he kissed her and enjoyed her favours till such time as he had his will of her; after which he went his ways. When an hour had passed a Poulterer400 came to the house, whereupon she arose and salam’d to him and said, “What hast thou brought me?” He answered, “A pair of pigeon-poults;” so she cried, “Place them under yon vessel.”401 Then the man went up to the woman and he embraced her and she embraced him and he tumbled402 her and she tumbled him; after which he had his will of her and presently he went off about his own business. When two hours or so had gone by there came to her another man which was a Gardener;403 so she arose and met him with a meeting still fairer than the first two and asked him, “What hast thou brought with thee?” “A somewhat of pomegranates,” answered he; so she took them from him and led him to a secret place where she left him and changed her dress and adorned herself and perfumed herself and Kohl’d404 her eyes. After that she returned to the pomegranate-man and fell a-toying with him and he toyed with her and she hugged him and he hugged her and at last he rogered and had his wicked will of her and went his ways. Hereupon the woman doffed her sumptuous dress and garbed herself in her everyday garment. All this and the husband was looking on through the chinks of the door behind which he was lurking and listening to whatso befel, and when all was ended he went forth softly and waited awhile and anon returned home. Hereupon the wife arose and her glance falling upon her husband she noted him and accosted him and salam’d to him and said, “Hast thou not been absent at all?” Said he, “O Woman, there befel me a tale on the way which may not be written on any wise, save with foul water upon disks of dung,405 and indeed I have endured sore toil and travail, and had not Allah (be He praised and exalted!) saved me therefrom, I had never returned.” Quoth his wife, “What hath befallen thee?” — And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent, and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the King suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was