by Seema Anand
Dildos were almost always strapped to the waist so that the lover had his hands free to pleasure his partner in other ways as well. They would be held in place with the help of bands and twine, sometimes as many as three or four straps. Dildos could occasionally be decorated with beads and other things to add texture, size and beauty.
But whatever the shape or style, the ultimate goal was fulfilment and pleasure. And for this reason the masters taught the art of moving and thrusting the dildo.
My Advice
Let’s change our attitudes towards the dildo. Forget about using one for a masturbation routine—try using one to romance your partner.
Pay special attention to the movements and strokes, learn the styles and thrusts—let it be a gift to the beloved.
Have you ever considered using a dildo with your partner? Or thought about how you could use one to try out some of the more acrobatic portions of the Kama Sutra?
Several of the movements that the Kama Sutra talks about above are either extremely difficult or entirely impossible for most people, but we know that they would be extraordinarily pleasurable. For instance, the Churning has been voted the top stroke for female pleasure, but quite honestly if you were to follow the sexual routine of the actual position, it would require an upper body strength that is beyond most of us.
The answer lies in the dildo.
Lubrication is very necessary.
Interestingly, the Chinese erotic texts discourage using anything oily or sugary to lubricate the vulva, as it could cause an infection. Saliva or glycerine water, very similar to KY jelly, was considered better.
The Indian texts however regularly recommend the use of oil and honey. The best thing is to be sensible and cautious about it. Do your homework on your options and pick the lubricant that is right for you.
*Quotes on the styles of movement for dildos in this section are from Sexual Secrets: The Alchemy of Ecstasy by Nik Douglas and Penny Slinger, first published in 1979.
Kissing
‘Forgive the shortcomings of this wretch…since the kisses I practice during the night are forbidden to me during the day.’*
There are sixty-four categories of kisses listed in the Kama Sutra, but Vatsyayan says that there are hundreds of variations and permutations of kissing according to local customs and personal preferences. For instance, there is mention of communities that like to kiss the underarm hair of their lovers. There are kisses for first time lovers, secret ways of kissing your lover in public and even a very specific kiss if you wanted an expensive gift.
In some regions, people were only allowed to kiss between ten at night and three in the morning—kissing in the daytime was strictly forbidden.
We don’t operate under any of these restrictions any more—you can kiss anytime and anywhere—and yet where is the satisfaction? So few people still really get it right!
The act of kissing involves 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles, and kissing on the mouth is the closest you will get to the act of sex before the actual act (the mouth most closely resembles the sexual organs—the tongue is like the penis, the lips and cavity of the mouth resemble the yoni and its lips). A kiss can be the most erotically stimulating thing and yet at the same time utterly romantic—it can stimulate your erotic nerve centres, it can bring you to orgasm, it can addle your brain, it can reduce you to a quivering heap of inarticulate jelly.
And yet, it is something we are happy to muddle through—sloppy tongues, dribbling mouths, wrong place, wrong time—all in the name of the kiss.
You could spend a lifetime experimenting with different types of kisses. I am only going to look at a few of these, but I hope you will practice all sorts of variants on your own and find out all the hidden secrets of the kiss for yourself.
According to the Kama Sutra, kissing is the most important part of the love game. Foreplay should begin with kissing and it should continue to accompany everything else during sex. Lips, says Vatsyayan, hold an electric charge, and when you place your lips on your lover’s lips—or on any other part of their body—the charge is transferred to the nerves, and excitement arises everywhere.
The Kama Sutra says that people who are very sexually excitable don’t need any rules to guide them, but those who are not quite so ‘active’ need help as they can end up feeling quite confused about how to proceed. This is not a judgement on your sexual prowess. What this really means is that as you get further and further into lovemaking, and passion grows, rules become unnecessary. But it is a mistake to think that in the beginning there is no need for any. In the throes of passion, lovers suck on each other ‘like sugar lumps’, it does not matter what part of the body you kiss and how—a cake is sweet no matter where you bite into it. But to approach that state of mindless ecstasy, a great deal of mindfulness is necessary. The ‘seed of desire, born of mutual attraction must develop’ and that needs delicacy and knowledge—it has to be watered with the ‘ambrosia’ of the right kind of kisses and caresses. If you want to get to that point of passion, if you want your lover melting in your arms and wanting to tear your clothes off, then it is really important to understand what will take you there and, as you will see with this chapter, often it is just a few simple techniques.
The first kiss, that first touch of lovers, is very important. Did you know elephants can come to full orgasm at the first touch—think how much more important this is for humans. That first kiss can make or break your chances as a lover. Vatsyayan says that for the first kiss, don’t begin by sticking your tongue down your partner’s throat—no grabbing, no pulling, no groping. Not only will it not give them any pleasure, it may put them off sex with you for good.
The first kiss is not literally always the very first kiss that you will exchange. It could also be the first kiss of the day, it could be the first kiss after some time apart, it could be a kiss at any time that one wishes. We call it the first kiss because it is charmingly tentative and utterly delicate—like new love. What we are referring to as the first kiss is in fact a combination of what the Kama Sutra catalogues as the first three kisses—Nimittaka or Nominal Kiss, Sphuritaka or Vibrant Kiss and Ghattitaka or Rubbing Kiss. But actually these should be treated as the three steps of one kiss. According to the Kama Sutra, the aim of the man with this first kiss is to make gentle contact with the lips, making the kiss so irresistible that it gradually convinces your partner to prolong it.
Keeping your eyes open and talking softly, lean in and place your lower lip on your partner’s lower lip with a feather touch. It is what the Kama Sutra refers to as the Nimittaka (or Nominal Kiss). It should be the barest of touches. Now very, very gently rub her lip with yours, with absolutely no force, only enough to make her lip quiver slightly. If this is the very first time you are kissing do not use hands at all. If you have kissed before, then begin by holding her head in place with your hands or curving a strand of her hair around your finger and holding her head in place with the help of that. For the next step (Sphuritaka), give little delicate kisses to her closed mouth like a woodpecker, alternating between the upper and lower lip. Occasionally pause to spend a bit more time at the opening of her lips, but do not force them open.
The third part of the kiss (Ghattitaka), according to the Kama Sutra, is the response that comes from the partner (but there are no hard and fast rules—either partner can carry on the kiss). However, if you have done it right, by now you should have her quivering with anticipation and, desperate with unfulfilled desire, she will close her eyes and try and hold your lip in hers to stop you from moving away.
The Kama Sutra says that the woman will feel acutely shy at the thought of her own arousal and so she places one hand over her lover’s eyes and the other over her own and, taking his lower lip in her teeth, she will try to bite it or run her tongue over it. She is so aroused she can no longer contain herself, but is so embarrassed by her lustful thoughts that she covers both their eyes—now the world cannot be witness to her shamelessness. The first flush of
passion is better felt than seen. So it is time to shut the eyes and the kiss can be deepened into a bite or you can use the tongue to rub against her lip—but that is as far as you should go. Use all your willpower to restrain yourself even if you or your lover need more. Build it up like you have never done before. The rewards will be fantastic.
There are several variations to this kiss. You can seize both the lips of your lover in your mouth and suck on them with tongue, teeth and lips—but the book says this is only enjoyable with hairless lips. If the man has a moustache it could be disagreeable. You can cup your lover’s lips in your fingers and kiss them while rubbing them with your thumb. You can massage the lower gums or the inside of the lower lip with your tongue. But remember—the essence of this kiss is that the tongue must never go beyond the teeth.
No rushing, no drool, no fumbling or groping—the only touch should be a very quick one on the hair or the chin.
Even if the relationship is a long-standing one, it is still worth playing with this kiss—it adds romance, creates anticipation and freshens up desire.
Raga Dipana or Inflamer Kiss is a simple yet very effective kiss of seduction. When your lover is asleep, wake him up with kisses and embraces—he will know how much you want him and that will make him melt. This kiss is given when you want to reignite passion as well as when you want an expensive gift.
Instead of having sex and then going to sleep as one normally does, do it the other way round—go to sleep and then have sex. Not only is there an element of newness to this, but also the changing positions of the moon as the night progresses mean that your sexual inclinations change too, and you make love differently.
Just as different ragas (musical compositions) are played according to the time of day, so too sexual desires, intensities and acts change according to the time of the night. The position known as the Mare’s Trick is best performed after the Inflamer Kiss. (‘When, like a mare, Cruelly gripping a stallion, Your lover traps and milks your penis, With her vagina, It is Vadavaka or the Mare’s Trick’.*)
The Inflamer Kiss is best given about one or two hours before dawn because at this time the body needs far less time to come to arousal. Bending over your lover, allowing your hair to brush over his face and chest, hold his lips with your fingers and kiss and bite his lower lip insistently—inflame him.
A similar kiss, but done by the man, is the Pratibodhika or Awakening. This is when the lover returns home late at night and kisses his sleeping beloved in order to wake her up and make love. But this kiss can have many a pitfall. If the girl wants to test his feelings she will pretend to be asleep. If he does not kiss her on his arrival she will assume that he has had his fill somewhere else and this can lead to a fight.
The Kama Sutra lists four special kisses that use the tongue, the teeth and the lips together, and are expressly not given on the mouth.
Sama or Flat Kiss—this kiss is especially for the sensitive flesh on the inside of the joints—the back of the knee, the crook of the elbow, the very ticklish spot where the thighs meet the hip etc. Sitting or lying down next to each other, these areas should be nibbled gently and probed and tickled with the tongue. The kiss should be neither too soft nor too hard. Just as a good chef will prepare the dish in a way that you can taste the individual flavours of each ingredient, so it should be with these sensitive spots. To get the real flavour of this kiss you should be able to feel each incursion separately.
Pidita or Pressed Kiss—this is a far more vigorous kiss given on the raised mounds of flesh—cheeks, breasts, buttocks, hips etc. Pressing, kneading and agitating the flesh, energetically use the lips and tongue to massage while sinking your teeth into those parts of the body. Remember, however, there must be no pain and definitely no marks left.
Ashchita or Curling Kiss—this kiss is for the hidden wells of delight—the parts of the body that are sunken in and hidden, like a cave. These areas are the luscious fragrant flesh that hides under the full breast, the swirling eddy of the navel, the heavenly dip of the yoni. Using the tongue explore and reveal these areas, using the teeth scrape ever so lightly as to cause goose bumps—but nothing more. This kiss should be used to stir up desire and create cravings but it should offer no relief or fulfilment. This kiss should be your secret weapon, something that makes your lover desperate for you.
Mridu or Delicate Kiss—after you have raked up a frenzy of desire and driven her mad with passion, it is time to soothe the itch. Using the lips, tongue and teeth, calm the back, hips, buttocks and breasts, bring her storm to tranquillity.
The thought of sexual intimacy in public places, with the imminent fear of being found out at any time, is obviously not a modern-day invention, it seems to have been a fantasy since the beginning of time. There were various ways to kiss your lover in public without being seen. You could blow a very discreet kiss with your fingers pointing to the feet of the beloved, you could enthusiastically kiss a small child who happened to be on the scene while looking at the lover, you could kiss the shadow of the beloved on the wall or the reflection in water. The Kama Sutra even offers a secret-public kiss where you could physically connect with the beloved—it was called the Kiss and Drop. Imagine the scene—a public fete, hundreds of people milling around, you walked up close to your lover and then, pretending to be overcome with heat, suddenly dropped to the floor as though in a faint—but as you fell you would plant a kiss on your lover’s thigh or big toe.
Bending the Head Kiss—’Bending your head’ to kiss meant that you were going to kiss the genitals. For this kiss the shape of the tongue is most important. If it is for cunnilingus, penetrate with the tongue and open it out as flat and broad as you can—this gives the most pleasure. If it is for fellatio, use different formations of the tongue—long with the tip rolled into a point, flat and open, flat and vibrating. This one is a hidden kiss, men who indulge in it do not talk about it to their peers. In the time of the Kama Sutra social norms seem to have had an ambiguous relationship with oral sex. It was both popularly practised and strenuously shunned. Men of upper castes did not perform oral sex, and if they thought that the woman might have done so with someone else, they did not kiss her on the mouth either. But at the same time the woman’s mouth was considered pure during sex, so oral sex would not have contaminated her. The Kama Sutra argues with itself about the pleasures and evils of this kiss but finally settles on the condition that it can be practised with a courtesan but not with the wife.
The Spoken and Unspoken Kiss—The ‘Spoken’ or Sa-shabd kiss is simply one which is accompanied by sighs or moans. A great deal of emphasis was laid on the sounds of sex which were meant to enhance the experience. The ‘Unspoken’ or Ni-shabd kiss is where no sounds are made. The ‘spoken’ kiss was considered better—it was far more arousing.
When using the tongue to penetrate or probe different parts of the body (mouth, yoni, navel, armpit etc.), changing the shape of the tongue will alter the movement of the tongue and that in turn will change the sensations. The three most popular shapes are penetrating with the flat tongue for a soft exploration; rolling the tongue and penetrating with a sharp tip for a harder massage; and entering with the flat tongue and then vibrating it in a trembling motion. The last is said to be the most exciting of all but the book says it needs a lot of practice.
My Advice
The study of kissing is known as philematology. Yes, there is an entire branch of academia that focuses on kissing; you need never feel that you are putting too much time into studying the perfect way to kiss—others have spent more.
Although the kiss is a natural human instinct and has existed from the beginning of time—crabs and spiders have been observed in the act—anthropologist Vaughn Bryant’s research shows that the kiss as we know it may have originated from India and been spread westwards by Alexander the Great.
We know from the Kama Sutra that kissing was considered the most important of all sexual acts and has been described in enormous detail. In ancient India, it wa
s believed that kissing had magical powers. Through the exchange of saliva one could pull out the soul, put someone under a spell or breathe new life into a person.
And yet India has lost the art of kissing. Writer Indra Sinha points out that between the thirteenth century ce, when artists sculpted the walls of the Konark temple with passionately embracing couples, and the 1978 Bollywood film Satyam Shivam Sundaram, kissing disappeared from Indian public life.
Everyone should practise and perfect the ‘First Kiss’. Anyone can go harder but going soft till you have your partner clawing and trembling with passion, begging you to go harder—now that’s a skill! Do your homework—it will bring unimaginable dividends.
Now think—how often do you kiss your partner? I mean really kiss them, as in a full-on, mouth glued to mouth, all-the-time-in-the-world type of kiss. Not often? Even less? Just when you have sex? So I need you to try what sexologists call the ten-second kiss. Once a day—you decide whether it will be first thing in the morning or in the evening after work or whatever works for you—but every single day. Put your arms around your partner and really smooch him or her for ten whole seconds. Count in your head if necessary. Ten seconds is a very long time, as you will realize—most kisses (or what we think of as intense kisses) are about three seconds long unless you are about to have sex. Ten seconds is long enough to make a connection—it will get your partner’s full attention. It is long enough to create an impression—it will stick in their mind: when they think of the kiss, they think of you. And most importantly a kiss is the language of love and pleasure—it will leave your partner feeling cherished and create a bond.
