The Case of the Itinerant Ibizan

by B R Snow

  “Whatever you say, Snoopmeister. Look, it’s very simple, and it doesn’t have anything to do with being spoiled. I hate beets. No, let me restate that just so I’m perfectly clear. I detest beets. Beets should be left in the ground to rot. Beets are definitive proof that, when it comes to things you can eat, God definitely has a sense of humor. They’re the poster child for why kids shouldn’t have to eat their vegetables. In short, beets suck. And I don’t want them in my salad. If that makes me spoiled, then just send me to bed without my dinner. But since my dinner has beets in it, I guess I should thank you for doing that. That’s all I’m saying. No beets. End of story. Pass the bread, please.”

  “Okay, we got it,” I said, shaking my head as I handed her the bread basket. “No beets. Geez.”

  “Sorry,” Josie said. “I’m still worked up about the lab. I wonder how long it had been since the poor thing had eaten.”

  “Beats me.”

  Josie glared at me, then frowned and looked down at her lap. She squirmed in her chair.

  “That’s weird,” she said.

  “What’s the matter?” I said.

  “Nothing,” she said, standing up to give herself the once over. “I’ll be right back.”

  I watched her head for the ladies room then picked up my wine glass with a big grin on my face.

  “Are you going to let me in on what’s so funny?” Chief Abrams said.

  “Oh, it’s just my own version of payback. You heard about the Cessna she chartered for me, right?”

  “Of course, I heard about it. It’s a small town. You have to admit that it was pretty funny,” he said, laughing.

  “Yeah, it was a real hoot,” I said, making a face at him. “But I’ve got something even better planned for her. And you can’t say a word.”

  “Hey, I’m a cop. I’m used to keeping secrets.”

  “Okay, then,” I said, leaning forward across the table. “I did some searching online for good practical jokes and found an article about some of the jokes George Clooney has played on his friends. And I hit the motherlode with one of them.”

  “Oh, do tell.”

  “Josie has been freaking out lately because she believes she’s gained a couple of pounds. And since she’s always been so proud of the fact that she can eat anything and not gain any weight, Josie’s starting to think she might have to cut back, thereby damaging her rather intense love affair with food.”

  “That’s something we all have to deal with as we get older,” Chief Abrams said, shrugging.

  “Yes, it is. But I’m sort of…accelerating the process.”

  “How the heck are you doing that?”

  “By having her clothes altered.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, I’ve started sneaking some of her clothes over to Mrs. Sawyer and having her take in the waistline an eighth of an inch at a time. I’ll be doing it a couple times a week. Those are her favorite jeans she’s wearing tonight. Judging by her reaction, they’re suddenly getting a bit snug around the waist, and it won’t be long before she’s having trouble with the top button.” I sat back in my chair and took a sip of wine. “Pretty clever, huh?”

  “I was going to say diabolical.”

  “Tomato, tomahto.”

  “She’s not gaining weight?”

  “Nah, not an ounce. But she doesn’t know that. And I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she puts her scrubs on tomorrow morning. Okay, here she comes. Not a word.”

  Josie sat down with a confused look on her face.

  “Is everything okay?” I said.

  “What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Did I miss anything?”

  “No, we were just discussing what we were going to have for dessert. If you want the soufflé, you should probably order it now.”

  “That’s okay. I think I might skip dessert tonight.”

  Chapter 18

  I was in my office early the next morning with a cup of hot coffee sitting on the desk in front of me and Chloe on my lap trying to make up her mind between two possible resting spots. But if she didn’t settle down soon, I was worried that she and the coffee were about to switch places. Eventually, I ran out of patience and gently picked her up and set her down on the floor. She snorted her displeasure then joined Sammy and Jill on the couch. She stretched out between them and gave me the stink eye.

  “Did your mama throw you out?” Jill said, stroking Chloe’s head.

  “She’s so spoiled,” I said, focusing on the daily schedule in front of me.

  “Yeah, like that’s her fault,” Sammy said. “So, they’re coming in to see the Chief this afternoon?”

  “Three o’clock,” I said, nodding. “It should be interesting. They’ve already made a mistake.”

  “Only one?” Sammy said. “I find that hard to believe.”

  “Well, the day is young, right? They told the Chief they couldn’t meet until three because they both worked at night and liked to sleep in.”

  “And Chief Abrams is going to press them on where they work?” Sammy said.

  “You can count on it. And we’re going to find out in a hurry how well they think on their feet. It’s pretty simple to verify employment.”

  “I wish I could be there,” Sammy said.

  “It’s better if you aren’t,” I said, shaking my head. “If we do need your help again, we don’t want the Sniffle Twins to have the slightest reason to associate you with the police. Your role is to play the concerned cousin.”

  “Is this going to get dangerous?” Jill said.

  “It could,” I said, nodding. “The possibility of being charged with murder and meth distribution could make anybody do something stupid if they got desperate. And for those two, doing something stupid almost seems like a given.”

  The office door opened, and Josie came in with a confused look on her face. She sat down in a chair on the other side of the desk.

  “Sorry I’m late,” she said, moving around in the chair trying to get comfortable. “What did I miss?”

  “Nothing,” I said. “We were just talking about the Sniffle Twins.”

  “Okay,” she said, wiggling in the chair.

  “Are you okay, or did you sit on an ant farm?”

  “Funny. I’m fine,” she said, brushing her hair back from her face. “How does my day look?”

  “Not too bad,” Jill said, reading from the schedule. “You’ve got four annual checkups before lunch, and then a spaying this afternoon. That’s about it.”

  “Good. A light Saturday. Works for me,” Josie said as she started to drape one leg over the other then changed her mind.

  “Okay, if there’s nothing else, we’ll get going. We’ve some inventory to count,” Sammy said, getting up off the couch.

  I gave them a quick wave and watched them head out. Then Josie stretched out on the couch. Chloe draped herself over Josie’s stomach and closed her eyes.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” I said.

  “Yeah, but I do need the number of the company that supplies our uniforms.”

  “What for?”

  “I want to order some new scrubs. These are getting…pretty old.”

  “They look fine to me,” I said, biting my lip to keep from smiling.

  “No, they’re definitely pretty much finished,” Josie said.

  “Well, if they aren’t comfortable, you should definitely get some new ones.”

  “I didn’t say they weren’t comfortable. I said they were old. There’s a difference.”

  “Sorry. Geez, somebody’s grumpy,” I said, getting up and glancing around the office.

  “What are you looking for?”

  “My CornBelters hat.”

  I opened the desk drawer where the hat was. I knew this because I’d put it there a half-hour earlier.

  “Oh, here it is,” I said, putting the hat on. “Right next to the bite-sized Snickers.” I held up the bag and shook it. “Fresh bag. You want some?”

  “No, thanks. I’ll pass.
”

  “You’re gonna pass up a full bag of the bite-sized? Are you sick?”

  “No. Just a little depressed.”

  “Well, try not to worry. I’m sure it’ll pass,” I said, popping one of the bite-sized as I headed for the door. “I’m going to say good morning to the dogs. You want to come along?”

  “No. I think I’ll just stay here awhile.”

  I chortled to myself as I headed for the condo area and made a mental note to drop off another bag of clothes with the tailor on my way to Chief Abram’s office this afternoon. My first stop was the malnourished lab’s condo. The dog was sound asleep as was our summer hire, Jenny. She was in her sleeping bag and had an arm draped over the dog’s ribs. The lab’s ribcage was still on full display, but it was obvious that the dog was starting to gain some weight. I whistled softly, and both Jenny and the dog opened their eyes. She blinked several times, then sat up.

  “Good morning,” she said, yawning.

  “I brought you some coffee,” I said, sliding the condo door open. I handed her the cup then knelt down to pet the lab. “How are you doing, girl?”

  “She’s doing great,” Jenny said, sipping her coffee. “Do you think we can take the IV out today? She’s starting to chew on it.”

  “Let’s check with Josie,” I said, standing up. “It’s her call.”

  “I’d like to adopt her,” Jenny said.

  “Josie? Sure, why not? Just remember not to sneak up behind her when she’s eating.”

  Jenny laughed and hugged the dog.

  “I think you’re perfect for her. What are you going to call her?”

  “Sugar. Because she’s so sweet.”

  “I like it,” I said, nodding. “Look, I know you’ve been pulling all-nighters for the past few days, so why don’t you take the day off and get some rest?”

  “Oh, I’m fine,” she said, effortlessly bouncing to her feet.

  “It must be nice to be twenty,” I said.

  “Yeah,” she said, grinning. “It is. By the way, I’ve been wondering something. And I hope you don’t mind my asking. How old are you?”

  “Slightly north of twenty,” I said, heading for the Beezer’s condo.

  He was sitting on his haunches with his head cocked when I entered the condo. I knelt down, and he greeted me with a lick of my hand, then rested a paw on my knee. I rubbed his head and scratched his ears, then he rolled over and waited for a tummy rub.

  “We need to find you a good home, don’t we? You must be sick and tired of always being on the move. Maybe a nice big farm so you’ll have a lot of room to run. How does that sound?”

  Then a light bulb went off. I smiled, filed the idea away, then continued my morning rounds. Two hours later, I’d received way more love and affection than most people probably got in a week, and I headed up to the house to shower and change.

  Before I left the house, I removed two pairs of shorts, a pair of slacks, and another pair of jeans from Josie’s closet and slipped them into a plastic bag. I made the short drive into town and parked in front of Sawyer’s Tailoring & Dry Cleaning. I headed inside, waited for my eyes to adjust to the light, then saw Mrs. Sawyer hunkered down over a sewing machine working on a pair of jeans I recognized immediately. She glanced up and smiled at me, then made her way to the counter.

  “Hello, Suzy,” she said. “Well, I must say that your plan is working to perfection.”

  “Those are Josie’s jeans, aren’t they?”

  “Yes, she dropped them off this morning,” she said, laughing. “Before she left, she swore me to secrecy.

  “She wants you to let them out?” I said, grinning.

  “Even better,” Mrs. Sawyer said. “She’s having me put a piece of elastic in the back.”

  “I can’t believe it. That vain little monster.”

  “She seemed a bit troubled.”

  “That’s because she’s worried she’ll have to stop eating half a cow at dinner. Elastic, huh?”

  “Yes. It will give her about an extra inch around the waist. And she’ll be able to hide it with a belt.”

  “Perfect. I’ll bring them back in a couple of days. Take half of the elastic out.”

  “I know I shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as I am,” she said, her eyes sparkling. “But it’s so clever. You do know that she is going to pay you back for this.”

  “Oh, there’s no doubt about it,” I said, nodding. “Say, Mrs. Sawyer, didn’t you say the other day that your grandson was living with you now?”

  “Yes, my daughter just went through a very nasty divorce, and they decided to move back to the area.”

  “How old is your grandson?”

  “He’s nine.”

  “How is he handling being out there on your farm?”

  “He’s doing well, but I do wish he’d start spending a bit more time outside and less in front of his computer playing video games.”

  “You know what might do the trick?”

  “What’s that?”

  “A dog,” I said, smiling at her.

  “A dog? Now, that’s an interesting idea. We haven’t had a dog at the farm since my husband passed. Do you have a specific dog in mind?”

  “I do. We found him a few days ago, and he’s gorgeous. He’s an Ibizan.”

  “Oh, a Beezer. I’m familiar with them. They love to run and jump around, right?”

  “They do. All that acreage you have is just the thing he needs. And the dog will certainly keep your grandson on his toes. And, hopefully, off the computer.”

  “Does your brain ever stop working?” she said, laughing.

  “No, but it definitely has been known to slip a few gears from time to time. What do you say? You’re going to love this dog.”

  “I like it, but I’ll need to speak with my daughter and grandson. Can I let you know tomorrow?”

  “Of course,” I said, handing over the bag of clothes. “Can you have these new alterations done by Monday? I don’t want the clothes missing too long from her closet.”

  “Monday’s fine,” Mrs. Sawyer said, nodding. “But I do have one question.”

  “Sure. Go ahead.”

  “Doesn’t Josie have a scale in her bathroom?”

  “Yes, she does.”

  “Then all she needs to do is get on the scale. That would tell her she isn’t gaining weight, right?”

  “Yes, it would. If she was standing on her own scale.”

  “I’m afraid you’ve lost me.”

  “We bought two identical scales a couple of years ago. Same make and model, but they’ve never produced the same results. My scale, which is now sitting in Josie’s bathroom, has never worked correctly. And it consistently shows a higher number.”

  “You switched the scales?”

  “I did.”

  “How much heavier does your scale register?”

  “Anywhere between four and ten pounds,” I said, grinning.

  “You are so bad,” she said, shaking her head.

  “Yeah, I have my moments.”

  Chapter 19

  Chief Abrams roared with laughter, then leaned back in his chair and put his feet up on his desk.

  “Elastic, huh?”

  “Yeah. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she realizes even that pair of jeans is getting tight,” I said.

  “She’s so gonna make you pay for this one when she finds out. Nice hat, by the way. The CornBelters. The minor leagues always have the best team names.”

  “They do. Did I mention that Jolene’s brother actually plays for them?”

  “You did. And you thought you’d wear the hat just to mess with their heads a bit more?”

  “Yup.”

  “Good call. I like it.”

  “Between the hat and the fact that I’ll be sitting here in the police station with you, I imagine they’ll have a tough time figuring out what the heck is going on.”

  “Just don’t get too cocky,” Chief Abrams said, slipping into the paternal r
ole he occasionally used with me. “Remember what happened to the last person who wore that hat.”

  We both sat up when he heard the soft knock on the door.

  “Come in,” Chief Abrams said, getting up out of his chair.

  Carl and Jolene stepped inside and cautiously looked around. They both flinched when they saw me. Jolene was unable to make eye contact and scratched her arm, the track marks covered by a long-sleeved tee shirt. Carl gave me a menacing glare that left no doubt about what he’d like to do with me but did eventually manage to force a small smile in my direction before focusing on the Chief.

  “You must be Carl and Jolene. I’m Chief Abrams. And I believe you’ve already met, Suzy. Please, have a seat.”

  “Hi,” Jolene said, sitting down on my left.

  “How are you holding up?” I said.

  “What?”

  “Your father?”

  “Oh, yeah,” she said, shrugging. “You know how it goes. Good days and bad days.”

  “Of course,” I said, nodding sympathetically. “How are you, Carl?”

  “Fine.”

  “She’s doing fine,” I said, then let my comment hang in the air.

  “What?” Carl said, frowning.

  “The dog. She’s doing fine.”

  “Oh. Well, that’s good, right?”

  “Yes, it certainly is.”

  “That’s an interesting hat,” Jolene said, scratching the inside of her arm.

  “The CornBelters. You gotta love the Cornbelters,” I said. “Have you gotten back to Normal to see a game?”

  “No,” Jolene whispered.

  “Well, you should try and make it out there. I’m sure your brother would love to see you.”

  Jolene flinched, then glanced at Carl who seemed even more perplexed.

  “Are you a cop?” he said, looking over at me.

  “No, but I’m hoping to play one on TV,” I deadpanned.

  “Oh. What?”

  “Suzy is here because she was the one who discovered the body,” Chief Abrams said. “And I thought having a conversation with the three of you might help me put some of the pieces together. You never know when a clue is going to just appear out of thin air. Suzy was just explaining how it was your father’s dog that actually found the body.”