Three Seeking Stars

by Avi Silver

  Hei was there, and they were furious. They were fussing over one of the adolescent sãoni, holding a spear. It looked freshly made, like one of the pikes they had used to take down Blacktooth. A short distance away, Mama was growling at the treetops. The rest of the colony seemed equally restless.

  Sohmeng took a deep breath. “Hei—”

  “They were supposed to leave the sãoni be, Sohmeng.” Their voice was harsh, impatient. “That was the agreement.”

  “Polha Hiwei, the leader of the scouts, she wanted me to send her apologies—”

  “What do I do with an apology? I do not care about words, I care about actions.” Hei pointed a clawed finger at the canopy, their other hand rested protectively on the adolescent sãoni’s back. The little creature snuffled at Sohmeng, and she felt a pang of anxiety. This could have been so much worse. “This is their fault. Their mistake.”

  “I agree. Polha agrees. It was a mistake but—but you threw a spear at them, Hei! They’re scared of you.” She did not like the way that seemed to satisfy them. This wasn’t the animal world; being frightening often invited more trouble than it prevented. “We need to focus on calming everyone down. Do you think you could...” It was a long shot, but it was all she had. “Would you introduce yourself to the Grand Ones?”

  Hei let out a sãoni noise of disbelief, loud enough to make Mama growl. Sohmeng tried to ignore the way the scouts rustled the leaves above them.

  “I know,” she said, tugging at her bangs in frustration. “I know, but if you could just try, if you could tell them that you’re on Nona Fahang’s side—”

  “I am not on Nona Fahang’s side.”

  “Ateng’s side, then!”

  “Your side!” Hei snapped back. “I am on your side, and the side of the sãoni. That is all.”

  “Then as someone who’s on my side, would you please compromise with me on this one thing? For Ahn’s sake, for the sake of our plan—”

  “This one thing?” Hei barked out a laugh, throwing their hands in the air. The sounds they made felt equivalent to curses, which set the rest of the colony to rumbling unhappily. “I am compromising every day, Sohmeng! For your sake, I compromise. I deal with these people stomping above me, I encourage the sãoni to be stagnant and lazy and eat from the hand of Nona Fahang.”

  “Thirty days,” Sohmeng said weakly. “I asked for thirty days. It’s been seventeen, we’re more than halfway through. You said mating season would slow them down.”

  “Yes—and when it’s over, half the colony will have new bad habits. What if Mama decides it’s easier to stay off the route, less dangerous for her family? They get treats on top of their hunting here, don’t they? We’d be one more colony gone wrong, eating through the local ecosystem until it eventually ends up even worse than Fochão Dangde.”

  “Mama’s smarter than that,” Sohmeng argued. She didn’t know if that was true, but she wanted to believe it.

  “Then another antsy sãoni claims the alpha title, and there’s a rift in the colony.”

  Sohmeng remembered what it had looked like the night Mama’s colony had gone head-to-head with Blacktooth’s. She and Hei still wore the skins as proof. The idea of that happening within the group of sãoni she had come to know and care for was devastating.

  She had been relying on Hei to be a stabilizing force during the past several phases, trusting them to handle the sãoni so she could focus on the humans. She was asking too much of them, but she didn’t know how to manage if they gave her anything less. It was a horrible, helpless feeling. Sitting with it was too heavy to bear, and she grasped at the first idea that came to mind.

  “What if—what if I talk to the Grand Ones for you?” she asked. “I could tell them some of your story, that way you don’t have to! Just enough so they know you’re not a spy for Qiao Sidh. Not, not everything, obviously...”

  It was the wrong thing to say. It was clumsy and inconsiderate. Hei didn’t even respond; they simply stared at her with hurt in their eyes, waiting for her words to run out.

  “What would you have me do instead?” Sohmeng asked softly.

  “Leave with me,” Hei said. They sounded so certain that it was almost tempting. “Now. Tonight. Let Nona Fahang solve its own problems. We can find another way to help Ateng—this hmun wasn’t even part of your original plan.”

  “What about Ahn? He’s the reason we’re waiting, Hei.”

  Hei hesitated for only a moment, their brow creased as they came to a decision. “We take him. We steal him away and we all leave together. I can—I can go into Nona Fahang if it’s just to get Ahnschen. I won’t need to talk to anyone.”

  Their answer surprised Sohmeng. Hei and Ahn seemed to be tolerating each other more, but she hadn’t expected this level of solidarity. At least one thing was going right. Still, for so many reasons, this fantasy was impossible. “I’m sorry, Hei. I don’t... I don’t think that’s a good idea. How will they ever trust Ahn in the future if he runs away now?”

  Hei frowned, searching for an argument.

  “Besides,” Sohmeng said, tucking a stray hair behind her ear, “I couldn’t leave my dad behind that way.”

  Hei looked away at the mention of Tonão, and Sohmeng bit down on her disappointment. They had not yet addressed this issue head-on. Considering what her father had gone through with the sãoni, and what Hei had gone through with humans, there wasn’t any clear path to their finding a way to meet. While it felt small compared to all the existential challenges they were both facing, it was another glaring reminder of the irreconcilability of Sohmeng’s two worlds.

  Hei reached out and touched her cheek. Their hand lingered there, present and tender and tired.

  “Will you please wait for me? Thirteen more days, that’s all.” All she could do was hope that Ahn would still be alive by then, that whatever plan they were going with wouldn’t be soured by grief.

  “I can wait. But if the sãoni are endangered, or interfered with, then...” Hei trailed off, biting their lip. Sohmeng understood. It was the right thing to do, even though the idea made her heart hurt.

  “I don’t want to give up our life together, Hei.”

  Hei clicked in agreement, pressing their forehead to hers.

  Both of their boundaries were necessary, and impossible. They had laid out their individual needs, only to find that neither of them could be fully met. It didn’t feel much like compromise when no one was getting what they wanted, but given their current situation, she wasn’t sure what alternatives they had.

  When Sohmeng returned to Nona Fahang, the Grand Ones saw her immediately. Polha Hiwei translated her apologies and explanations into Fahangpa: what happened with Hei and the sãoni was a mistake. They were terribly sorry, both of them. Yes, everyone had the hmun’s best interests at heart. The spear? A misunderstanding, of course. A moment of fear and frustration, but unacceptable. Hei was sorry, really.

  It was nothing but empty platitudes and outright lies. Sohmeng left the gazebo exhausted.

  She kept her head down as she walked through the hmun, trying her best not to make eye contact with anyone. She could feel the way people were watching her with some awful combination of pity and distrust. Before Eakang could leap out of a shrub to express their condolences, she found her way to Ahn. He was carrying a barrel on his shoulder, flanked by two guards; apparently he had been recruited into setting up tents and seating areas for the Chisong festival.

  “Are you alright?” he asked. “I heard there was trouble with the sãoni.”

  “Yeah, you and the rest of the hmun.” Sohmeng grimaced. That wasn’t fair. “...sorry. That’s not what I meant.”

  “It’s alright.” Ahn adjusted the barrel, glancing back at the guards. “I have a few more runs before lunch. Walk with me?”

  Sohmeng took him up on the offer, glad for the company of someone who didn’t seem interested in judging her. She even helped carry a few things. Lugging around the tents and poles gave her body something to do as she exp
lained what had happened with Hei and the scouts.

  As they sat at the table they’d assembled together and shared a pot of soup, she finished her story: “I thought Hei had a handle on things. I know the sãoni aren’t easy to control, but I just needed one thing to work out. It’s felt like such a mess since we got here, and now the Grand Ones are worried that the sãoni are too dangerous to keep around. And between dealing with my dad’s family and—” She caught herself. It probably was kind of tactless to talk to Ahn about the stress of the trial.

  He caught her meaning anyway. He poked at his bowl, not quite meeting her eye. “I’m sorry. I know how much trouble I’ve caused.”

  “We’ve been over this, Ahnschen, and I don’t want to do it again.” She stole a chunk of meat from his bowl, vowing to take another every time he got that self-pitying look on his face. “I’m not interested in the guilt, I just want us to make this right.”

  “I—I understand.” The weight of the whole they should kill me conversation still hung unresolved between them. It had scared her to hear Ahn talk that way—she had never encountered such despair in another person. With the added complication of how Ahn’s empire had harmed her home, she had no idea how to talk to him about those feelings. It was easier to focus on making a plan. “May I ask you a question?”

  “You just did, but go nuts.”

  “Why wait for me? For the trial?” he asked. “When you found Nona Fahang, it was supposed to be an opportunity to help your home. Now all it is doing is wasting your time. Why not leave and look for help elsewhere? I—I would not be angry, if you left. I would understand.”

  Sohmeng sucked her teeth. Between her earlier conversation with Hei and now this, her resolve was seriously getting tested. “Aside from the fact that I need you to tell your sister to step off my rainforest?”

  Ahn’s mouth quirked up in a smile. “Aside from that.”

  “I know what it feels like to be an exile.” It never stopped feeling vulnerable to share this part of her life. Ahn had been filled in on the basic details when she changed her name, but up until now, she had not felt ready to say much more. “I know what it’s like to live in fear of being judged poorly. Disowned. Left by myself. And I wouldn’t wish that on a friend. I already promised that I would get you out of here—do I look like the kind of person who breaks my promises?”

  “No,” Ahn said. There was something in his voice she couldn’t fully understand. “You do not.”

  Sohmeng cleared her throat, taking another slurp of soup. “Plus, if your sister found out that I had just left you to die here—not that you’re going to die, don’t make that face—my bid for negotiation would get shut down pretty fast. I wouldn’t work with anyone who hurt my brother, and he’s the worst.” She thought of Eakang, and quickly reevaluated. “...well. Almost the worst.”

  Ahn tapped his spoon against his bowl, smiling. “Discernment,” he said.

  “Hm?”

  “You’d do well on the Discernment path, I think.”

  Sohmeng blinked, taken aback by the change of topic. The Paths of Mastery had intrigued her since she’d first learned of them; she had never imagined that someone’s social roles could be so gamified. It sure sounded like a lot more fun than being assigned to them at birth. “What would my name be?”

  “You don’t really do surnames here, but it seems like your phases hold the same weight as our family lineages, so... Minhal Sohmeng Idhrenhvøs.” He nodded, satisfied. “I gave you second-ranking to start.”

  “Benefits of being friends with the prince, huh?” Sohmeng teased, and her shoulders relaxed at the sound of Ahn’s laughter. After the ongoing stress they had both been managing, this felt easy. “Why Discernment, though?”

  “You’re clever,” Ahn said. “Incredibly clever. You have a mind for planning, and you always have an eye on the bigger picture.” He hesitated. The look on his face could have belonged to Hei; tender and gentle and wild. “You remind me of someone I used to know.”

  Sohmeng didn’t know what to do with that look. She tried to play it off as a joke. “Someone you liked, I hope.”

  “I loved him with all my heart.”

  Oh. Well.

  Sohmeng opened her mouth. Closed it again. Watched Ahn turn red as a parrot’s belly.

  “...that’s not, not what I meant to—” He stumbled over his words, clearly mortified. “Not that I, I mean, you—that’s not why I hang out with you.”

  “Yeah,” Sohmeng snorted. “You hang out with me because you’re trapped with me.”

  The joke didn’t seem to do much to get Ahn out of whatever existential vortex he had worked himself into. He rubbed his face, speaking through his fingers. “No, but even if I wasn’t trapped, I would still like you. Not because you remind me of him, but because you remind me of—you. You’re you, and I like you for who you are. I like being your friend.”

  Sohmeng would have liked to have said something nice in turn, but Ahn’s reaction of combined embarrassment and sincerity seemed to have unlocked something terrible in her. Instead of that’s sweet! or I like being your friend too! or Ahn are you making this weird? her mouth decided to blurt out: “Ahn, you’re gorgeous and I’d love to, but how would I ever know if you were only offering because of the looming threat of death?”

  Ahn laughed, surfacing from his hands. “That’s not what I mean! And that wouldn’t be—like me.”

  “What, not allowed to mess around with anyone until you graduate from meathead school?”

  “No, no!” Ahn replied. “I’m just not very interested in people that way.”

  Sohmeng squinted. Sure, she was pretty new to the world of sexual intimacy, but had found it incredibly rewarding so far. She glanced over her shoulder, making sure the guards weren’t eavesdropping. “But have you like...tried?”

  Ahn took another sip of his soup. “A few times, with a few partners. The act itself is almost always nice—like how a massage is nice? I just don’t really think about other people that way. Unless they’re interested, and there’s nothing better to do...” He shrugged, smiling a little. “There’s a word for it in Qiao Sidhur: zhørmozhør.”

  Sohmeng did her best to repeat the word back, trying to wrap her brain around the concept. Ahn seemed happy, comfortable with himself. “...I hope it hasn’t bothered you when I, y’know.” She pantomimed squeezing his bicep. “It’s just supposed to be for fun, but I wouldn’t want to make you feel weird.”

  “It doesn’t bother me,” he said, and snagged a bite of meat back from her bowl.

  She swatted him, smiling as she returned to her own meal. The conversation reminded her of her early days with Hei; even then, despite the challenges of their circumstances, there had always been time to indulge in playful company.

  When was the last time she had felt truly playful? Nona Fahang had left so little room for the easy joy that had defined her days walking Eiji. She was unbelievably grateful to have her father back, but rewriting her history and reimagining her future took a massive amount of energy. She wanted to skip ahead to the part where Eiji was safe, where she could simply bask in the enjoyment of her new life.

  Taking an hour to sit with Ahn and laugh about all the ways they were different did not bring her any closer to fixing the world, but it reminded her of what she was fighting for. It made the future feel just a little more possible.

  “Up!”

  The hatchlings popped up onto their hind legs, little fore-claws raised to the sky. One of them wobbled, squeaking.

  “Up!” Ahn repeated firmly. He held his palm above them, slivers of meat tucked between his fingers. The creatures balanced, holding their pose, and he lowered his hand once more. “At rest.”

  They dropped down, chirping at him hopefully until he passed over the treats. After many attempts and no small amount of unhappy gumming, the hatchlings were finally beginning to catch on to his training methods.

  “Well done,” he murmured, stroking their heads one by one. “Very clever
.”

  The idea had come to him after his conversation with Sohmeng. She was stressed, trying to satisfy so many people at once, and none of them seemed to appreciate the work she was putting in.

  Considering how much of this balancing act was on Ahn’s behalf, he owed it to her to ease the burden. There wasn’t much he could do about the Grand Ones’ refusal to help Ateng, and his word that Sohmeng wasn’t a Qiao Sidhur spy would probably be the opposite of helpful, but keeping the sãoni in line—oddly enough, that was something he could help with.

  Being raised in the royal family, part of his early education in the Fertility path had included raising animals. Despite the fact that the sãoni were gigantic reptilian predators, they seemed receptive to the same training as hunting dogs or raptor mounts. It helped that the hatchlings were still small, and quite attached to him. His relationship with Lilin had been built much the same way. If he could get the sãoni to respond to some basic commands, Sohmeng could prove to the Grand Ones that she and Hei had them under control.

  “Up!” he called again, firmly enough that some of the other sãoni paid attention. Luckily, none of them seemed troubled by his actions, simply curious.

  The hatchlings moved more smoothly with each run of the obedience exercise. Even though it made him feel a little silly, he tried to imitate one of their happy sounds to show his pride in them. It mostly seemed to confuse them—maybe Hei or Sohmeng would show him how to do it later.

  He smiled to himself, feeling hope rise within him for the first time in a while. Despite the unease that had lingered in his gut since talking to Lita Soon, the other guards seemed to be getting less prickly around him. After all of his tasks were completed, he was allowed out with the sãoni; the scouts in the trees were omnipresent, but they weren’t dropping melons on him anymore, and that was a marked improvement on his experience.

  “Up!” he called again to the hatchlings. They were quicker this time, sharper-eyed. He would have to give them a break soon, so they would be at their best when he showed this new trick to Sohmeng. He wanted to prove to her that he was worth the time she was putting in for him, that he was capable of more than just destroying things. He wanted this like he wanted Hei to judge him positively, like he wanted to make things right with Nona Fahang. With all of Gãepongwei. Everything felt so out of his control, but he could try to be a decent person. A regular person, rather than some foreign prince of an invasive empire. People could see him as something better than he was, and maybe Sohmeng—