Roc and a Hard Place

by Piers Anthony

  “Fulfillment! Why not chain yourself to a dungeon while you're at it? You delight in your misery.”

  “It is only your ignorance that makes it look like misery to you. It is sheer joy to me.”

  “You revel in your humiliation!”

  “If your values weren't inverted, you'd know it's exaltation.”

  “Yours are inverted! I'm true to demonly nature.”

  “I think I get the picture,” Ichabod said. “A person without a soul simply can't grasp its nature, and a person without love thinks it's pointless.”

  “That's right,” Metria said. “I was governed mainly by curiosity and mischief, before I got half souled. But my curiosity was in the end greater than my mischief, so I took the plunge and got married.”

  “I seem to recall Arnolde saying something about a demoness with a soul who married a King, in the past. But when her baby was delivered, the soul went with the baby, and the demoness took off with a rude noise. Will that happen to you?”

  “Yes, that was my friend Dara Demoness, who married King Humfrey. Her son Dafrey got the soul. But later she returned to Humfrey, because she discovered that she liked existence with a soul better than existence without a soul.

  Now she emulates a soul she doesn't have. So I won't give up my half soul when my baby is delivered; I'll share half of it, and hope that a quarter soul sustains me. My child won't have that problem; souls grow to full size when a creature is part mortal.”

  “You have a generous nature.”

  “Yes, now.”

  “When I first saw you, or Mentia, there in the madness, I took you for a variant of a nymph, a creature without much intellectual content. I was mistaken.”

  She shrugged. “It's understandable. I never cared about intellect before I married.”

  They reached Kim's home. Her parents were evidently out. Kim dashed in, and emerged leading her old dog. “I left a message on the kitchen table, so they won't think Bubbles was stolen,” she announced. Then she lifted the dog into the back, and scrambled in herself. Metria knew that Bubbles would be reassured to find Jenny Elf and Sammy Cat there, because they had been Companions during the game. Metria wondered how it was that the dog could survive in Mundania, as she was very old, but thought that the magic of Xanth could have charged her when she visited there, in effect rejuvenating her somewhat. This excursion should have similar effect, in that case.

  They drove for a while in silence. Then Ichabod remarked:

  “Once we return to Xanth, Arnolde and I will resume our researches in the Region of Madness. But I am curious as to the identity of your next summonsee.”

  “I hadn't thought about it. I have to guide Kim and Dug to the Nameless Castle, of course, but that will take time, as they can't just pop over there, and we won't have the assistance of a giant. So I suppose I had better travel a meandering course and pick up the remaining summonsees on the way. Beginning with the most difficult.”

  “And who would that be?”

  She opened her bag and checked through the tokens.

  “Chena Centaur, because I never heard of her.”

  “Perhaps Arnolde has. He has a centaur's encyclopedic knowledge.”

  “I'll check.” Metria turned smoky and slid through the metal of the vehicle. She emerged in the back. The four folk there were resting comfortably, Arnolde lying down. Jenny Elf leaning against his side, and Kim and Dug snugly ensconced in a comer. “Arnolde, do you know Chena Centaur?”

  The old scholar shook his head. “She must be since my time. The name makes no connection.”

  “Thank you.” She slid back to the front seat and solidified. “He doesn't know her either.”

  “Then I agree: She may be your most challenging remaining summonsee.” He shook his head. “I am growing tired; it has been too long since I drove any distance. In fact, I should probably turn in my driver's license after this is done; I have little remaining use for Mundania.”

  “I can do it,” Metria said. “I have learned all the commands.”

  He laughed. Then he sobered. “Do you know, I believe you could. You have been a most apt student of this art.

  Perhaps it would be safer trusting your alertness, rather than my failing powers.”

  “Then let me,” she said eagerly.

  “Oh, I really wasn't serious. I—”

  He lost his voice, for she had fogged out her skirt almost to the panty line. “I'll sit in your lap,” she said.

  Stunned by the notion, he offered no further resistance.

  She sat in his lap, so she could comfortably reach the controls, and operated them. She fogged herself out enough to reduce her weight so as not to be a burden on him, but he showed no sign of complaining. She drove, at first unsteadily, but soon with confidence. The machine responded marvelously to her slightest nudge on the steering wheel or go-pedal. It was like riding a responsive unicorn, except that no self-respecting unicorn would suffer itself to- be ridden.

  This truck didn't seem to mind at all.

  Darkness was closing, in its dull Mundane way, as they reached Ichabod's house. “I think we shall be obliged to stay the night here, as it would not be safe for us to drive by night,” he opined. “But we should be all right, if Arnolde is properly positioned. So far I am aware of no diminution of his ambience.”

  “No less magic around him, either,” she said. She used the steer-wheel and slow-pedal and got the truck beside the house.

  Then it coughed, jerked, and died. “Oh, I killed it!” she said, chagrined.

  “My fault. I forgot to remind you to use the clutch. The motor stalled.”

  “Oh.” She had learned about the clutch, but not thought of it in her effort to steer the vehicle just right.

  “Have no concern, Metria. It has been a real pleasure.”

  “Having me drive?” she asked, pleased.

  “That, too,” he said as she lifted her bottom off his lap.

  Arnolde settled down in the center room of the house, so that the aisle reached the length of it and just about to the sides of it. Sammy and Bubbles curled up beside him, evidently thinking of him as more animal than human being, which made him acceptable company. Kim and Jenny checked supplies and found no suitable food; he had been too long away from here. “No problem,” Kim said cheerfully. “I'll order pizza.”

  “Piece of what?” Metria asked.

  Dug laughed. “You'll like this. She's going to do some Mundane magic.”

  Kim did. She picked up a banana shaped item with a curlytailed line attached, punched some buttons in its belly, and spoke into it. “Falling Blocks Pizza? Two jumbo giant cheesers to this address.” She seemed to be requesting something. Then she put the banana back on its stand.

  Not long thereafter a vehicle charged up to the house so rapidly, it looked as if it was about to crash. But it squealed to a stop just in time, and a young man scrambled out with two wide, flat boxes. Dug gave him some folding green paper, and in a moment he zoomed away.

  Dug brought the boxes inside and opened them. There were two huge flat pies, with surfaces like that of the moon in heavy sunlight: blistering cheese. The five mortals took pie-wedges from them and began eating. “Now, this is what I call responsive mozzarella,” Dug remarked, dangling his slice by a stretching string of cheese and bouncing it like a yo-yo.

  “Oh, Monster Ella,” Metria said, finally recognizing the type. It came from the ella monster, famous for casting long sticky strings of gunk over its prey and smothering it to death. She wondered how the Mundanes had managed to slay an ella; it was a formidable creature. But it tasted wonderful.

  This was magic, all right. But since Metria didn't need to eat, she was soon bored. So she explored the house. “What's this?” she asked, opening the curtain to a very small bare room that was behind a less small room.

  “That's the shower,” Dug said. “You want someone to take it with you? Ow!” Because Kim had kicked him for no apparent reason.

  “Take it with me?”
Metria repeated. “It doesn't look as if it can be moved.”

  “I can show you how it—” Dug began.

  “I’ll show her,” Kim said as he dodged another kick. She got up, trailing a string of cheese, and approached the chamber. She closed the door to the larger chamber so no one else could see in. Then she turned two handles in the wall of the smaller one. Water gushed from a high nozzle. “Vanish your clothing and step in,” she said.

  Metria did so, and the warm water struck her bare body.

  “Hot rain!” she exclaimed. “More magic.”

  “For sure. When you've had enough, just turn these handles this way, and it will stop. That's how you take a shower.”

  “It's weird. But nice.”

  “Exactly.” Kim pulled a curtain across and departed.

  Metria basked in the shower. She turned smoky and let it pass through her- It was as if she were a cloud, and was raining below. “Move over, Fracto!” she muttered. Then she assumed various shapes, seeing how the water bounced off them. She became a giant pot, and let the water fill it. More fun!

  But soon enough she tired, so she turned the knobs and the water ceased. Then she turned smoky so that all the water on her fell away, and re-formed, complete with her Mundane blouse, shirt, and footwear. She stepped back out to the dining room. “I could almost get to like Mundania,” she said.

  “Mundania would certainly like you,” Dug said, and Ichabod nodded agreement. Kim looked studiously elsewhere, perhaps because Dug's shin was out of reach of her foot.

  Metria was catching on to the nature of their interaction; it was as if there were an invisible string of monster ella cheese that Kim used to dangle Dug from. Like most men, he needed to be leashed.

  The others finished eating and took turns in the shower, except for Arnolde, who was too big to fit. So he put his front end in, then his hind end, and Dug wielded a hose attachment to get most of the centaur showered.

  Meanwhile Kim turned on a box with a picture on the side and voices from within. It was interesting, but seemed to be filled mostly with violence and loudmouthed hustlers. Metria noticed that (blush) panties were openly shown, surely freaking out every male who watched. No wonder Mundane males were such louts!

  In due course they settled down to sleep, setting up mats beside Arnolde. Metria didn't need to sleep, so she stayed to watch the magic box. After a while it showed scenes from some far-off land, and became a story, between increasingly obnoxious bouts of hustling. After that was done, there was another story, with different scenes. It was about a young man who fell in love with a young woman, then lost her, then regained her. Metria had never seen such a story before, and marveled at its originality. She wished she were back home with Veleno, making him deliriously happy. For her husband had no other purpose in existence than to be made delirious by her.

  She observed the stories interminably, until the others woke. “You watched the movie channel all night?” Kim asked. “You must be worn out!”

  “No, it was interesting. I wonder if we could get one of these magic boxes in Xanth. It's almost as much fun as the gourd.”

  “Maybe Com-Pewter could arrange it,” Kim said, laughing.

  Jenny entered the shower-room. “Oops.”

  “I don't like the sound of that,” Kim said.

  “I felt the edge of the magic,” the elf explained.

  “But the bathroom is well within the ambience,” Kim said. “Metria took a shower. Arnolde is exactly where he was yesterday.”

  “Maybe I'm confused,” Jenny said doubtfully.

  Whereupon Kim, in exactly the manner of a woman, reversed. “I'm not sure of that. We'd better check.”

  They looked at Metria. So Metria stepped very cautiously toward that chamber. She extended one arm through the door, feeling a tingling and then a numbness. And the arm dissolved into a swirl of wind.

  Jenny squeezed by her to enter the chamber. As she did so, her ears and fingers changed. She faced back toward Metria and walked up to her, pushing the swirl with her body.

  As it crossed the border of magic, the swirl became a cloud of demon substance, and Metria was able to grab it and merge it into herself. That was a relief, because she had felt diminished without it.

  They exchanged a three-way glance. “The aisle has shrunk,” Kim said gravely.

  “Hey, what's up, girls?” Dug asked, approaching.

  They were silent, mutually hesitant to spread the alarm.

  “Aren't you going to call me a sexist?” he asked Kim.

  “Because I didn't say 'women'?”

  “The magic's fading,” Kim said bluntly.

  “Oh, shucks! I thought our love was forever.”

  “The magic aisle, numskull.”

  He sobered in a hurry. “How much?”

  “The bathroom's out of it now.”

  He angled his head, which was his way of doing a mental calculation. “Maybe fifty percent. The question is, has it been fading steadily from the time Arnolde left Xanth, or is it just giving out now? We'd better hope that the fading is steady, because that will give us time to get the hell moving before it poops out entirely.”

  “Yes,” Kim agreed tersely.

  Both Arnolde and Ichabod remained asleep. In that state, it was clear just how old they were, because of the lack of animation of their features. And maybe fading magic.

  “Let's get this organized before we wake them,” Dug said. “So there're no wasted motions. Kim and I'll load the truck—has it got enough in the tank?”

  “Yes,” Metria said. “The magic dial says half of its bloat is left.”

  “Its what?” he asked. Then, immediately, “Oh—gas.”

  “Whatever.”

  “And Jenny and Metria must stay close to Arnolde,” Kim said. “For moral support for the elders.”

  That was one way to put it. Metria had to stay close to maintain her existence, and Jenny to maintain her elfhood.

  The two Mundanes loaded the truck efficiently, and set up the box so that Arnolde could climb into the back. “Okay, it's time,” Dug said grimly.

  Jenny woke Arnolde, and Dug woke Ichabod. Both were slow to be roused, and looked around as if befuddled.

  “We were afraid of this,” Kim muttered. “Their physical health is tied in with the magic.”

  “Arnolde, we'll help you up,” Dug said, as if things were routine. Then he and Kim helped haul on the centaur's arms, while Jenny and Metria helped steady his rear end as, he lurched unsteadily to his four feet. They walked him forward, then half shoved him up into the truck, and made him lie down again with his head toward the front. That was so Metria could sit in the cab, within the aisle.

  Then they looked back to the house. Ichabod was tottering, walking erratically away from the truck. “God, he's gone senile,” Kim muttered, and jumped down to intercept the old man. Soon she had her arm around his waist, and was half encouraging, half hauling him onto the truck.

  “Nuh-uh,” Dug said. “He's not fit to drive. Put him in back.”

  Kim nodded. They got the man in the truck. The dog and cat joined the centaur there, too.

  “Now who drives?” Kim asked.

  “What kind of shift is it?” Dug asked.

  “Stick shift,” Metria said.

  “That lets me out,” Kim said. “All I know is auto.”

  “Me too,” Dug said. “But I guess I'd better learn in a hurry, because we can't wait.”

  “I can drive it,” Metria said.

  They both stared at her. “But you're a demoness!” Kim said.

  “I had noticed,” Metria said. “Ichabod taught me to drive yesterday. I drove us much of the way here.”

  “This is crazy, but we can't waste time,” Dug said. “We don't know how fast the magic's fading. Maybe with a licensed driver up front with her—”

  “Me,” Kim said. “I won't be distracted by her legs.”

  “Good point,” he agreed. “Let's move out.”

  They closed up the back
, and Metria turned smoky and phased through the truck directly to the driver's seat, rather than risk stepping to the side and maybe out of the narrowing aisle of magic. Kim joined her. “I'll do map duty,” Kim said, digging into the panel in front other seat. “Put on your seat belt.”

  “But no belt can hold me.”

  “Put it on anyway,” Kim said, buckling hers. “We don't want to attract any traffic cop's attention.”

  Metria used the key and started the motor, remembering to use the clutch pedal. She knew she had to do everything right, because they couldn't afford any accident. She put it in gear and let the clutch pedal rise slowly.

  “The brake!” Kim snapped.

  Oh, yes. Just in time. Metria released the hand brake.

  “Traffic's clear ahead,” Kim said.

  Metria pulled the truck slowly in a circle and then onto the road, turning the steering wheel. She was doing it! She got it straight and used the pedals and stick to get it through the gears and up to full speed.

  “Keep to the right of the road,” Kim said.

  Oops, yes. It was just as well that Kim was with her, because there were a number of details to keep track of, and they tended to get lost around the edges.

  Kim studied her map and called out a particular magic symbol to look for, which marked the route they needed to follow. Metria hadn't been aware of that; Ichabod had known the area, so hadn't needed any map or route. This business of driving was more complicated than it had seemed.

  Then, just as she was getting accustomed to it, something happened. “Drunk driver,” Kim muttered. “See that weewawing? Stay clear of him.”

  “What's a drunk driver?”

  “Someone who's intoxicated. You know, dizzy, crazy. Liable to do anything. Dangerous, in a car.” Kim glanced back.

  “I hope Jenny doesn't catch on. She'd freak out.”

  “But what does Jenny Elf know of dunked drivers?”

  “Just get the bleep elsewhere, fast.”

  But the traffic had closed in, so she couldn't get away from the crazy car. So she tried to keep some distance from it, following Kim's advice.

  Then it happened. A girl was crossing the road, and the drunk car was headed right for her, not stopping as it should.