Roc and a Hard Place

by Piers Anthony

  It started with an aerial scene, similar to that seen by creatures being carried through the air by a roc. It showed Lake Ogre-Chobee, with the chobees basking at its edges. South of it was the Curse Fiends' ThunderDome, and west of it was Black Village. Then the view slid to the north, moving down until it intersected the ground.

  There was a deep jungle there, through which the Kiss Mee River wound. The river had been very friendly, until the demons pulled it straight, making it into the Kill Mee River. But later its friendly curves had been restored, and once again those who drank of it became kissing friendly. In fact, some of those who partook of its fresh water became quite fresh.

  Metria, watching, found herself becoming part of the scene, and came to understand the impressions and feelings of the woman whose scene this was. It was her half soul that was doing it, she knew; she never used to care about feelings.

  This became a problem one day for Pheira, when a man called Snide happened by. He spied her giving directions to her pet catalog, and made sarcastic remarks about the cat.

  “You think that moth-eaten fur ball will remember your directions?” he demanded sneeringly. “You must be as stupid as it is.” The image was Snide, but the voice was that of Grundy Golem, who was doing the dialogue. It didn't matter, because Grundy had a natural talent for insults.

  Now, Pheira was not a person to take offense without cause, but something about the man's attitude annoyed her.

  For one thing, he was wrong about the cat, who could indeed take orders competently. “Oh, go have a drink!” she said, which was just about as close as a nice girl could get to swearing. Then she wanted to swallow her tongue, because she remembered the effect the river water had on folk who weren't used to it. The last thing she wanted was to have Snide get too friendly.

  So she retreated into her mushroom and closed the door.

  The house was, of course, somewhat mushy, but was the best she could afford. She was afraid Snide would come after her, and that the mush would just make him even more inclined for what she didn't want.

  She peeked out the window, and her fear was confirmed Snide was drinking. In a moment he would be not only snide but fresh. She had to escape!

  Maybe if she could find her friend Alias, she could get away. Alias' talent was to make everyone around him answer to wrong names. When there was a crowd of people, it could get so complicated that they had to compile a list to get them all straight again. Snide would never find her in such a crowd!

  But Alias was elsewhere today, and anyway, there was no crowd of people to help confuse things. So what about her friend Tom, who could conjure a small cloud and pluck any tool or weapon he needed from it? Of course, he had to return the tool to the cloud before he could get any other tool, but it was a pretty strong talent. If he were here, he could pull out a sword and tell Snide to go lose himself in a boggy swamp.

  But Tom wasn't here either. None of her friends were close. So she would just have to flee for it, hoping that Snide would give up the chase. She would invoke her power to summon an animal to carry her rapidly away. What animal would be best?

  Now Snide was approaching the house, and he looked really super awful fresh. His hands would be all over her the moment he got close. She had to summon an animal immediately.

  Maybe a Rocky Mountain Goat, because it would carry her swiftly up the nearest rocky mountain, and she would be able to hide behind the rocks if she needed to.

  She opened her mouth as she exerted her summoning talent. “Roc—”

  Then Snide crashed through the wall of her house. Actually “crash” wasn't a good description; it was more like a squish, ripping a sagging hole. The suddenness of it startled her, so that she didn't complete her word. Besides, Snide was already reaching for her, and he smelled sickeningly fresh. It was probably time to scream.

  But her talent had been invoked, and it oriented on the nearest animal of the type she had named. Unfortunately she hadn't named an animal, but a bird, and she didn't do birds because a peculiarity of her talent was that—

  Too late. Suddenly she was flying. She sailed right out through the hole in the mush wall and up into the air. She knew what had happened: She had attempted to summon the wrong kind of creature, so instead of bringing it to her, she was being brought to it. Because it was a type of bird, she was flying to it.

  It was her own messed-up magic doing it. She just had to hope that wherever she landed was not worse than being caught by a fresh man.

  Lo, she found herself flying right up into a cloud. Her talent had never backfired this badly before. But of course, she was going to wherever the nearest roc bird was, and it must be flying high above the clouds, as they tended to do, so that the magic of perspective would make them seem like much smaller birds. For reasons she wasn't quite clear on, the big birds tended to conceal their presence, so that human folk seldom encountered rocs close by.

  Then, astonishingly, she saw a building on the top of the cloud. A castle in air! And she was flying right into it. What a misadventure!

  She came to light in a huge inner chamber, before a roc bird sitting on a huge stone nest. The bird was fearsomely large, but seemed as startled to see her there as she was to be there.

  “Squawk?” the bird inquired.

  Pheira didn't understand bird talk, but took this as a question. She started to explain how, her talent had gotten fouled up, bringing her involuntarily here.

  “Squawk!” the bird said, evidently miffed.

  “Freeze that frame,” Grey Murphy said.

  The scene stopped where it was. Grundy turned to the Witness, who was sitting right where her illusion self was standing. “Repeat exactly that Roxanne Roc said to you.”

  “She said 'Squawk?' and then 'Squawk?' and then she—”

  “Those were the very words?”

  “Yes. And then—”

  Grey turned to Grundy. “And what do those words translate to, in human terms?”

  “The first is 'What?' and the second is 'Darn!' “ the golem said.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course I'm sure! I speak and understand the language of all living things. That's what I was made for, before I achieved living status.”

  “And what is the nature of the second word?”

  “Objection!” Ida cried. “Conclusion!”

  Grey turned to the Judge. “This is in the Translator's line of expertise. He is qualified to define the word.”

  The Judge nodded. “Overruled. The Translator may answer the question.”

  “It refers to the process of mending torn cloth by means of rows of stitches,” Grundy said. “The process is tedious, and the result tends to be unsightly, so is usually not appreciated. A darned item is neither as pristine nor as valuable as the original. Thus when anything is accused of being darned, or when anyone is told to darn—”

  “Get to the point,” the Judge rumbled.

  “It is considered an objectionable word,” Grundy said.

  “One not suited for the delicate young ears of small children.”

  “A word not suited for small children,” Grey repeated with emphasis. “One which would be a violation of the Adult Conspiracy if uttered in the presence of a very young child.”

  “Exactly. Of course, it's only a mild transgression—”

  “Thank you.” Grey turned to the Judge. “I am done with this Witness.” He stepped away.

  “But what's the relevance?” Metria asked. “There wasn't any child there!”

  The Judge's glower swiveled to cover her, but she passed her hand across her mouth, leaving it visibly zipped shut, and he let it pass. She knew she had better not speak out of turn again.

  Ida approached the Witness. “Was there a translator present when you encountered Roxanne Roc?” she asked.

  “No. I didn't understand her squawks.”

  “So you did not realize that she had spoken an unfortunate word.”

  “That's right.”

  “In fact,
until this time you had no notion why you were summoned to be a Witness at this trial.”

  “Objection!” Grey said. “Irrelevant, immaterial, and beside the point.”

  “Sustained.”

  “What happened then?” Ida asked.

  “Objection! Relevance.”

  “It's relevant to my Defense!” Ida snapped, with unusual asperity for her normally sunny nature. Her moon looked similarly annoyed, though not actually eclipsed.

  “But this is a Prosecution Witness.”

  “Sustained.”

  “Then I'll call her when my turn comes,” Ida said, walking away.

  “The Witness may step down,” the Judge said.

  Pheira returned to the audience, evidently somewhat bemused. The scene faded.

  Grey smiled grimly. “Second, the matter of the presence of a child. The Prosecution calls the Simurgh to the Witness Seat.”

  There was a murmur of awe at this, causing the Judge to issue a general-purpose glower that silenced the sound.

  THE SIMURGH REQUESTS PERMISSION TO RESPOND IN PLACE, OWING TO THE LIMITED SIZE OF THE STAGE.

  Grossclout almost smiled. “Granted. The Special Effects Officer will generate a small illusion to be addressed in the Witness Box.”

  Sorceress Iris nodded. A small image of the Simurgh appeared, perched on the back of the Witness Chair. If anyone thought such a representation humorous, he had the sense to stifle his reaction.

  Grundy Golem approached. “Do you swear to tell the truth, no matter what?”

  I DO. The answer seemed to come from the bird in the Witness Box.

  “The Witness is duly sworn,” the Judge said.

  Grey Murphy approached. “What is the nature of your employment?”

  “Objection,” Ida said. “Relevance.”

  Grossclout frowned. “Is there relevance?”

  “Yes, Your Honor. It will be apparent in a moment.”

  “Then proceed. The Witness may answer.”

  I AM THE OLDEST AND WISEST CREATURE IN THE UNIVERSE.

  I HAVE SEEN THE DESTRUCTION AND RESURRECTION OF THE UNIVERSE THREE TIMES. I AM AMONG OTHER THINGS THE GUARDIAN OF THE TREE OF SEEDS.

  “Do you find this tiring?”

  AFTER A FEW MILLENNIA, IT DOES GET DULL.

  “Are you considering any way to alleviate that dullness?”

  I HOPE IN DUE COURSE TO PASS ALONG SOME OF THESE CHORES TO MY SUCCESSOR, WHO WILL EVENTUALLY BE AS WISE AS I AM.

  “And who is your successor?”

  MY UNNAMED CHICK.

  “Where is this chick?”

  IN AN EGG BETWEEN A ROC AND A HARD PLACE, HERE IN THE NAMELESS CASTLE, WHICH WAS ESTABLISHED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

  “And where precisely is the egg now?”

  UNDER ROXANNE ROC.

  There was a murmur in the chamber, despite the Judge's glare. This was news of enormous import.

  “How long will it take your chick to hatch from the egg?”

  SIX HUNDRED YEARS.

  “When was the egg delivered to you?”

  SIX HUNDRED YEARS AGO, IN THE YEAR 495.

  “Then it must be due to hatch this year.”

  YES.

  “What is the state of the chick?”

  THE CHICK IS SENTIENT AND SAPIENT.

  “That is, alive and intelligent,” Grey said. “Can the chick hear words that are spoken in the nesting chamber?”

  YES.

  “So when Roxanne Roc spoke that forbidden word, the chick heard.”

  YES.

  Roxanne, listening in the adjacent chamber, jumped. It was clear this was a revelation to her. That wasn't surprising, there was a glare-stifled murmur in the audience, and a muted exchange of glances in the Jury Box.

  Grey turned away. “Your Witness.”

  Ida approached the image, and her moon inspected it curiously. “Since you are the wisest creature in the universe, why didn't you anticipate this infraction and prevent it?”

  WISDOM DOES NOT EQUATE TO FOREKNOWLEDGE. PHEIRA'S VISIT TO THE NAMELESS CASTLE WAS ESSENTIALLY A RANDOM ACT THERE WAS NO WAY TO ANTICIPATE. THE DAMAGE WAS DONE BEFORE I COULD ACT.

  “So you did nothing?”

  I INITIATED THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS LEADING TO THIS TRIAL.

  “Even though you knew that the Defendant had no awareness of her violation?”

  “Objection! Argumentative, conclusion.”

  “The Simurgh knows everything,” Ida said evenly. “She is qualified to give an opinion.”

  “It's still argumentative,” Grey argued.

  The Judge pondered briefly. “Rephrase your question.”

  “Do you believe the Defendant was aware of her infraction?”

  NO.

  “Then “why did you—”

  “Objection! The Witness is not on trial.”

  “Sustained. The Witness does not have to answer.”

  I WILL RESPOND NEVERTHELESS. I REQUIRED THIS TRIAL BECAUSE IGNORANCE IS NO EXCUSE. A VIOLATION HAS OCCURRED, AND IT MUST BE DEALT WITH.

  “Even though—”

  “Objection!”

  “Sustained.”

  Ida shrugged, not looking frustrated. Metria understood why: The members of the Jury, both human and monster, understood the nature of the unvoiced objection, and were being swayed by it. “I am done with this Witness,” she said.

  “The Witness may step down.” The small image faded from the chair.

  Grey Murphy stood. “The Prosecution rests,” he announced.

  He had called only two Witnesses, but they had been enough: They had established that the Defendant had uttered a Forbidden Word, and that a minor had heard it. Roxanne Roc was in deep dung.

  Chapter 15

  DEFENSE

  The Judge's devastating gaze swept across to Princess Ida. “Is the Defense ready?”

  “Yes, Your Honor.”

  “Proceed.”

  “The Defense calls the Simurgh to the stand.”

  “Objection! She said she was done with that Witness.”

  “I was done for cross-examination. Now I want her as my Witness. That's a different matter.”

  The Judge rolled one eye expressively, but allowed it “Overruled.”

  The image of the Simurgh reappeared on the chair. Ida addressed it. “You have stated that your egg was delivered six hundred years ago, and that you arranged to set up the Nameless Castle for its incubation. When did you assign Roxanne Roc as eggsitter?”

  THE YEAR 500.

  “So that was five years after you received the egg?”

  YES.

  “You had to take care of the egg yourself in the interim?”

  “Objection! Relevance.”

  “I am establishing the importance of the Defendant's duty. This relates to her character.”

  Grey shook his head. “Importance and character have no necessary interconnection. Prosecution will stipulate that the job is important. So important, in fact, that any default is a most serious—”

  “Objection! The Prosecution's case has already been made.”

  Judge Grossclout's dour mouth quirked in a hint of a suggestion of a thought of a faint unfrown. “The Defense's objection is sustained. The Prosecution's objection is overruled.

  But do not try the limited patience of this Court with too free an interpretation of your mission.”

  Ida smiled sweetly at the Judge. Metria realized that she looked very nice when she did that. Probably she believed that she was making a marginally favorable impression, and so it was true. Even her little moon seemed to glow. That was bound to have more of an impact when she addressed the Jury. Then she returned to the Witness. “You took care of—”

  YES.

  “Was it difficult to eggsit while also guarding the Tree of Seeds on Mount Parnassus and attending to your other duties?”

  YES.

  “So you decided to get an eggsitter?”

  “Objection! Defense is leading the Witness.”

  “This Witness can't be
led against her will,” Ida retorted.

  “Overruled.”

  YES.

  “Was the egg important to you?”

  There was a ripple of mirth through the audience as the Simurgh answered YES.

  “So you did not seek just any creature to do the job.”

  TRUE.

  “In fact, didn't you seek the most qualified creature available for that most important task?”

  YES.

  “And that creature was Roxanne Roc.”

  YES.

  “So by your judgment, which is by definition the most authoritative one available, Roxanne Roc was a highly qualified bird. In fact, a creature of excellent competence and character.”

  YES.

  “And did she perform in the manner you required?”

  YES.

  “For almost six centuries.”

  YES.

  “And does she remain so qualified today?”

  YES.

  “So your pursuit of this infraction does not imply that the Defendant is in any way deficient in competence or character.”

  AGREED.

  “And you still trust her to sit your egg.”

  YES.

  There was another subdued murmur in the court. The words and action of the Simurgh herself were the best possible endorsement of Roxanne Roc's character.

  “Thank you.” Ida turned to smile at Grey Murphy. It was a try to dispute THAT expression, but her moon brightened prettily. Metria worried about its effect on a man who had been too long betrothed without result. “Your Witness.”

  Grey approached the chair. “But the Defendant did violate the Adult Conspiracy.”

  YES.

  And there was the crux, Metria realized. It hardly mattered how great a person Roxanne was; she had done the deed.

  And it hardly mattered how fetching Princess Ida became, Grey's talent nullified that magic.

  He nodded significantly at the Jury. “Thank you. I am done.”

  The image faded. Ida faced the audience. “I call Gwendolyn Goblin to the stand.”

  The pretty little lady Chief of Goblin Mountain stood and came to the stage. She was duly sworn in.

  ”Have you encountered the Defendant?” Ida asked her.

  “Yes, once.”

  “State the circumstances of that encounter.”

  “Well, I was rivaling my bratty little brother Gobble Goblin for the Chiefship of our tribe, and he arranged for me to have to fetch what was between the roc and the hard place.”