by Erin Osborne
Vanessa will be mine. I’m not pushing the issue right now because I know she’s not ready. Yet. When she is, I’ll ease her into it. It won’t be hard because she already sees members here at the compound. We feel it’s important to show up every now and then so they know we’re here for them and we’re not going to let things go if it’s against the rules of the compound.
So far we’ve only had one situation where we had to kick a woman out. She not only invited her abuser in here, but she was using and not taking care of the house she was in. Between the drugs and holes in the walls we had a mess on our hands to fix before we could let someone else move into the house. Now, we keep a close eye on things going on around here.
“Vanessa, how are you doin’ today?” I ask, walking up to the steps and sitting down next to her.
“I’m okay, Grave. Aren’t you leaving today?” she asks, putting the bubbles away.
“Yeah. I have to leave in a little while. I wanted to stop by and see you before I left and give you this,” I tell her, pulling out the phone I just bought.
“Grave, I can’t take this,” she says, trying to hand the phone back.
“Yes, you can. I want to know I can get a hold of you while I’m gone. And if somethin’ happens, you can reach anyone in the club or the ol’ ladies. You’re not alone and you need to accept it,” I tell her, not taking the phone from her. “Besides, I want to be able to message you while I’m gone.”
Vanessa sighs in frustration because she knows I’m not going to take it back. I’m just as stubborn as she is and it’s the one thing which causes us to butt heads once in a while. I look up and see Tyler near my bike still.
“Tyler, get back here,” Vanessa says.
“He’s fine, babe. Let him look. He won’t hurt it,” I tell her.
“Grave, what if it falls?” she asks, worry filling her eyes.
“It won’t. The kickstand is down and it’s on pavement. I’d be worried if it were on grass, but it’s not. He’s fine,” I answer.
“Still . . . ” she begins.
“Vanessa, he’s a little boy. Of course he wants to look at my bike. It’s only natural. I was his age when I began falling in love with bikes. Let him be,” I tell her with a little edge to my voice.
She nods her heads and watches her son bend down to look at the lower part of my bike. I smother back a laugh as it looks like he’s trying to figure out what he’s looking at. Tyler’s brow is furrowed in concentration and I imagine it’s a look most little boys have on their face when they’re thoroughly examining something intriguing.
For a few minutes, I just sit on the steps with Vanessa and Kayla. We watch Tyler and just enjoy the sun. It’s not going to last much longer as the cold weather is coming at us. I hate the cold, but we all deal with it. So, I’ll take the warm days as they come and ride my bike for as long as I can.
“I’m gonna take the kids in and get them ready for dinner. I think we’re just having pizza tonight if you can stay,” Vanessa tells me.
“Unfortunately, I have to head back to the clubhouse. I still need to pack and make sure I got everythin’ ready,” I tell her. “I’ll help you get the kids inside and head out.”
Vanessa nods her head and grabs the bubbles before calling out to Tyler. The four of us head inside and I settle the kids on the couch with a movie while Vanessa preheats the oven for the pizza. She also pulls out some garlic bread before she joins us.
“Alright, I’m gonna head out. I have your number in my phone already. I’ll message or call you when I can,” I tell her, pulling her in for a quick hug.
Vanessa isn’t used to contact with others. Especially men. So, I try to give her quick hugs when she’ll let me to get her used to it.
“Be safe,” she tells me as I head out the door.
Vanessa follows me because she knows I won’t leave until I hear the locks click in place and know she’s safe inside. As soon as I hear it, I walk to my bike and I head to the clubhouse to finish getting ready.
We’ve been on the road for a few hours when Ink motions for us to pull over. We head into a small diner with a truck stop attached to it. There’s a small store to the left of the entrance, bathrooms straight back, and the diner on the right. While the rest of the guys get us a table, I head to the store. I want to get some water and shit for the rest of the ride while we’re here.
As I walk through the store, I find a rack filled with stuffed animals. There’s a small bear with a leather coat on. The fur is blue and I pick it up for Tyler. Looking at the animals further, I find a little pink bear dressed as a princess. I grab it for Kayla and make my way through the store to get what I want. As I glance around, I don’t see anything I’d like to get for Vanessa. Besides, I don’t think she’d accept anything after I made her take the phone earlier.
Pulling out my phone, I send her a message.
Me: How are things goin’? We just stopped for dinner.
I put my phone away as I get in line to cash out so I can go eat dinner with the guys. After cashing out and accepting the bag from the cashier, who can’t take her eyes off me, I head out of the store and to the diner. If I hadn’t met Vanessa, I’d probably have the cashier in the bathroom or backroom of the place fucking her. I haven’t looked at another woman since the day I laid eyes on Vanessa.
Sitting down at the table next to Psycho, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and see Vanessa’s name on the screen.
Vanessa: It’s okay. Just got the kids out of the tub and I’m going to read to them before bed. Be safe.
Me: I will. I’ll be home tomorrow or the next day.
Vanessa: Okay. Good night.
Me: Good night babe.
“Who you textin’?” Psycho asks.
“None of your business,” I answer.
“You got a secret bitch no one knows about?” Ink asks.
“Don’t fuckin’ call her that. You have no clue what you’re talkin’ about,” I growl out.
The guys hold their hands up in surrender. They know I don’t talk about my personal life and I’m not about to start now. If I think something needs to be brought to their attention, I’ll say something. Otherwise, they can leave me the hell alone.
We order our food and sit back while we wait for it to be brought over to us. I’m the only one who gets up because I ordered the buffet and I don’t need to wait for my food. This place has all sort of food on the buffet and I pile my plate high with food before heading back. I dig in and listen to the guys talk as I eat and get in the mindset to finish this run.
Chapter Two
Vanessa
MY DAYS ARE routine. I get up with the kids, feed them, and we hang out at the house. I don’t walk around the compound unless it’s to go to the office to pick my mail up. Even when we play outside, we stay right at the house and don’t wander too far from it.
I constantly look over my shoulder for the other shoe to drop. I’m not sure if it’s not hearing from Ray or if I’m waiting for my parents to somehow show up. This is how I’ve lived my life from a very young age. I always wait for the next yelling, the next beating, and the next time I’m told I’m such a fuckup. It’s not a way anyone should live their life. My kids will never know what this feels like.
After feeding the kids sandwich’s for lunch with their juice boxes, we head out to sit on the porch and play with the bubbles they have. I blow them while the kids laugh and chase them around the yard. It’s one of their favorite things to do. I love it because I love hearing their laughter when the first part of their lives they weren’t allowed to make much noise if Ray was home.
I can hear other kids playing and laughing around the compound and I’d love to take the kids over to meet with them and make friends. I’m just not ready for that. Once it sinks in my brain that I’m out of the house with Ray and I don’t have to deal with him anymore, I’ll be able to venture out and let the kids start making friends. At least while we’re around here.
“Mommy
, look,” Kayla says, pointing at a woman walking toward us.
It’s not Cassidy. I know what she looks like and this woman isn’t her. This woman is heavily pregnant and I’ve seen her around here a few times. She’s one of the members’ ol’ ladies, I know that much.
I sit in silence as I debate what to do. It looks like she’s looking at me and making her way over to us. Being that pregnant, I’m not going to go back inside and have her turn all the way around. So, I take a few, deep breaths to calm my nerves and remain sitting with Kayla next to me.
“Vanessa, how are you?” the woman asks, sitting down next to me. “I’m Natasha. I teach a few of the classes here.”
“Hello,” I respond. “Would you like a drink or something?”
“Oh, no, thank you. I feel like all I do is drink and eat these days,” she says, affectionately rubbing her swollen stomach.
I sit still, an awkwardness filling me as I don’t know what to say to this woman. It’s one of the things I don’t really like, not knowing what to say or how to act around other people. When you’re surrounded by people who don’t give a shit about you, you tend to avoid all interaction with people. So, it’s not like I had friends growing up or a lot of experience with the opposite sex. I’m lacking in so many areas and it’s holding me back now.
“So, I haven’t seen you at the center for any of the classes yet. Has Cassidy talked to you about them?” Natasha asks.
“Yeah. I’m just not sure about going there,” I say, trying to think of a reason I can’t go. “Plus, I have the kids and no one to watch them.”
“We have someone come in and watch the kids right in the center while classes are going on. They’ll be close by and they’re supervised. We do cooking and baking, once in a while, there’s a computer class one of the members teaches, a basic finance class, and we’ve just started a self-defense class too. I’m sure we’ll be adding on, but that’s what we have in place for now,” Natasha says. “I teach the cooking and finance class.”
“They sound great, really. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to be around a lot of people,” I tell her.
“Even if those people have been through similar situations as you?” she asks, never taking her eyes off me. “Cassidy told me you don’t leave the compound and you stick close to your house. Vanessa, we’re here to help you get out on your own and I know it takes a lot of courage to take those first steps. But, if you think about it, you’ve already taken such a leap by leaving the situation you were in. You’re safe here and no one will let anything happen to you or your children.”
“I know. I’ve just never been around a lot of people, so I’m not always comfortable in those situations,” I tell her, not really offering anymore of an explanation.
“It’s okay. You can come, check it out, and see if you like the classes. Plus, if you want to do the self-defense classes, I think Grave teaches some of them if that makes you feel more comfortable,” Natasha says.
I feel my face heat as I realize more people than I thought sees him come here. I’m still not exactly sure why he spends so much time here, but I’m not exactly going to complain either. In a way, I like having him around. He’s slowly showing me all men aren’t the same and they’re not out to take what they want from you. That men can be nice, caring, and show you they want to be friends and get to know you.
It may not seem like much to a lot of people, but to me, it means the world. For me, the little things make a difference and I know I’ll be more cautious of who I choose to let in my life from now on. I don’t have to just accept someone who wants to be with me because I don’t deserve better. That’s not the case and it’s taken me a long time to begin to accept this information.
“Um, I’m not sure. I’ll talk to Grave and see what he thinks about it. I’ll come if I can. That’s the best I can do for now,” I tell Natasha.
“I’ll take it. Well, I’m going to get back to the center. I have a class to prepare for. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call Cass,” Natasha tells me, slowly getting off the steps and making her way back to the center of the compound.
I think about the classes she told me about. Yes, Cassidy told me all about them when I got here, but I honestly wasn’t paying much attention. Instead, I was just thinking about having a safe place for my children to lay their heads at night and not having to worry about Ray beating on me daily.
It might be nice to learn how to defend myself. I’ve always wanted to defend myself against the assholes who thought I was too weak to do anything about it. But, can I really take classes and have a man, even Grave, put their hands on me when I’m not sure how I’ll react?
The first thing I may need to do is start talking to one of the counselors that come to the compound. I know they’re here to help, but I never know who I can trust with my story and who is only going to go back to Ray and tell him. Not only about what I’ve said, but about me being here. It’s a big reason why I tend to stick to myself. Trust isn’t something I have in anyone. I haven’t in a long time.
The kids and I spend some more time outside playing and running around. I chase them around the small front yard to hopefully run out some of their energy before dinner and bed. When they start slowing down, I lead them inside and lock the door behind us. I want to get to the point I can leave the front door open on nice days to let a fresh breeze in. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there, but it’s something nice to think about.
I make an easy dinner of hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. We all eat at the table and then I give the kids their baths. Once that’s done, we head into my room and I put on a movie. They typically don’t sleep with me since they have their own rooms, but today I want them close by. Maybe it’s because Grave’s not in town and I know it.
Just as Tyler falls asleep, my phone rings from the nightstand. I pick it up and see Grave’s name on the screen.
“Hello,” I say, holding the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Nessa. How was your day?” he asks.
“It was good. We spent some time outside and I met Natasha,” I answer him.
“That’s good to hear. How are the kids doin’?”
“They’re doing good. Tyler is missing you, I think. He heard a motorcycle earlier and he perked right up,” I tell him with a small laugh.
“I miss them too,” Grave says. “I miss you too, Nessa.”
I’m filled with a warm sensation as thoughts of a man like Grave missing us fills me, but I don’t know what to say to that. No one’s ever told me they missed my children or me before. So, I say nothing and change the subject.
“How’s your trip going?” I ask him.
“It’s going okay. I should be back late tomorrow night, so I won’t see you until the day after. I think we should talk about things when I get back,” he answers.
“Oh, okay,” I say.
“It’s nothin’ bad, Nessa,” he tells me.
I hear someone call out his name in the background. There’s a muffled noise on the phone and I can hear him reply distantly. I’m sure he’s busy and he’s still taking time out to call me and see how things are.
“I gotta run, Nessa. I’ll message you when I can tomorrow,” Grave says.
“Okay. Good night.”
“Night.”
I hang the phone up and set it back down on my stand. Thoughts race through my mind about what he wants to talk about. He said it’s not bad, but our versions of bad can be vastly different. I try to push the thoughts aside so I don’t drive myself crazy with worry because there’s nothing I can do until he gets here and comes over again.
So, I make my way to the bathroom and go through my nightly routine before getting back in bed with the kids. As I lay down with Kayla in the middle of Tyler and me, I shut my mind down as I close my eyes. Sleep claims me and I dream of Ray coming to get us. It’s the same dream I have every so often when I’m feeling overwhelmed or worried about things.
Chapter Three
Grave
/> WE’RE FINALLY HOME. I never thought we’d get back from this run. And it’s one of the shorter ones I’ve been out on. The entire time we were gone, I was missing Vanessa and the twins. They’ve carved their way into my life and all I want to do is spend my time with them. And I haven’t even done anything with Vanessa yet.
Instead of heading back to the clubhouse with the rest of the guys to unload and get some down time, I head to the compound. Seeing the kids and Vanessa is the first thing on my list of things to do. It should probably be to take a shower and wash the road dust from my body, but I want to see them more than I want the hot water washing the grime and dirt away.
Bishop lets me in the compound, and I make my way to Vanessa’s house. The kids and her are sitting out front playing with bubbles. Tyler jumps up and begins to run toward me but stops because my bike is still running. We’ve both made sure to tell the kids they aren’t to get near my bike when it’s running.
“You back,” Tyler yells out as I shut my bike off.
“I am, buddy,” I answer with a smile on my face. “And I got your sister and you somethin’.”
Tyler’s eyes light up at my admission. He reminds me of a kid who’s just been given his favorite ice cream after being good all day. Kayla has joined her brother closer to me on the sidewalk and she’s wearing a smile on her face. She’s still a little reserved at times and seem shy at some points. It’s cute.
Turning my attention to the bike, I grab the two stuffed bears from the saddle bags and hand them over to the twins. They squeeze the bears close to their chests and thank me before running up to Vanessa to show her what they got. She smiles and indulgently listens to them talk about their new toys before gracing me with a smile. It’s one of the few times it reaches her eyes and I know she’s happy— truly happy.
“Hey, Nessa,” I say, sitting down on the steps next to her.
“Hey, Grave. How was your trip?” she asks.
“It was okay. I’m glad to be home,” I tell her.
