by Erin Osborne
“That’s good to hear,” she says, not sure what else to say.
We sit in silence for a few minutes, just watching the kids play outside and enjoy the warmth and sunshine. Our knees are touching, and I want to pull her into my lap and hold her close to me. She’s not ready for that yet. Vanessa will be ready one day and I’m going to be there for it. She already owns me— she just doesn’t know it yet. I’m not ready to tell her just yet either. It won’t accomplish anything except for pushing her away.
“So, have you given anymore thought to the classes here at the compound?” I ask her.
“Not really. I’m not sure I’m ready to be around so many people, Grave,” she tells me.
“I know you don’t think you are, but you’re stronger than you know, Nessa,” I say. “Why don’t you go on a trial basis? Go for one class and see how you feel. If you don’t like it, or know you’re not ready, then don’t go for a while.”
Vanessa looks out in front of her as if she’s considering what I’ve just said. I know she has more reservations about the class than just being around the other women, but she hasn’t said what they are just yet. There’s nothing I can do to help her work through her fears if she doesn’t talk to me about them. So, I sit patiently and wait for her to talk to me.
“What about the kids? I don’t want them out of my sight, but I don’t want them with strangers either. I’ve never left them with anyone else before,” she finally says.
“Okay. So, why not leave them here with me?” I ask her.
“You’d do that?” she questions.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because you have better things to do than sit with my kids while I go to a few classes,” she answers, finally looking at me.
“I’m good. I’ll be more than fine here with the kids,” I tell her honestly.
“How are you able to spend so much time here with us?” Vanessa asks.
“Because I work for the club. When they need me to fill in somewhere, I go work. If I want to work, I go to work. Other than that, my time is my own. I’m where I need to be when I’m needed to be there,” I tell her.
I’m not like some of the other guys who work at certain businesses the club owns. If they need extra hands on deck, I’m there to help out. I go on runs when I need to, and I pull in a portion of my pay from the businesses we own. Each officer gets a portion of the proceeds from our businesses and the runs we go on. Or any protection runs we make. So, I work when I need to and it gives me the time I have to spend with Vanessa and the kids.
“Oh. Well, I guess I could go to a class and see what they’re about,” she finally says. “Guys, lets head in for lunch.”
Vanessa, the kids, and I make our way into the house where she makes the kids sandwiches and chips. I wash up at the kitchen sink and help her get the kids their food before helping her make us each a sandwich. It’s a simple lunch and one we’ve shared before. I like having these moments with her and the kids.
We eat and listen to the kids talking about random things. The kids are at the table, eating with their stuffed animals on their lap. Vanessa tried to talk them into leaving them in the living room, but they haven’t set them down since I handed them to them. So, they’re eating lunch with us. Tyler is trying not to get any of his sandwich on the bear because he knows he’ll have to give it up so it can be washed. He’s eating over the table and his plate while the little stuffed animal is partially under the table.
“So, are you gonna go to class tomorrow?” I ask Nessa as we’re cleaning up after lunch.
“Yeah. I guess I’ll try it,” she says hesitantly.
“Good. I’ll be here in the mornin’. I’m gonna head to the clubhouse and take a shower and get some sleep,” I tell her.
“Okay. Have a good night, Grave,” she says, walking me to the door. “And thank you again for the animals for the kids. They love them.”
“You’re welcome. I’m glad they like them so much,” I tell her.
Standing on the other side of the door, I listen as Vanessa closes it and locks it up behind me. Walking to my bike, I don’t bother looking around. No one else here holds a candle to the woman and kids on the other side of the door I just walked through.
Straddling my baby, I turn it on and make my way out of the compound. Bishop is still on guard duty and I ensure the gate is closed behind me before I pull out onto the road and head to the clubhouse. It’s the last place I want to be with the house bunnies crawling all over the place, but it’s the only place I have to go.
I’ve never seen the point in having a place away from the clubhouse. A house is too big for one person while an apartment is too small. Yeah, I can have my own space, but I don’t even own anything. My money is kept in the bank and I only buy what I need to. It’s probably why the guys looked at me like I was crazy when I walked back in the diner on the road with a bag of things. I never do that.
Making the short trip to the clubhouse, I park in my spot and stretch for a bit before heading inside. Foxy makes her way over to me and I don’t know what her game is. She’s been one of Satan’s babes who stick in the background and don’t make waves. If she’s out and about, it’s usually because she’s helping one of the ol’ ladies.
“Grave, I’m glad you’re back,” she purrs, running her hand down my chest.
“What do you want, Foxy?” I ask her, removing her hand from my body.
“I thought we could have some fun,” she answers, a fake pout covering her face.
“Nope.”
I walk past her and she grabs my arm in an attempt to stop me. Looking down at her hand, I give her a chance to remove it before I do.
“I don’t know what your problem is today, but I’m goin’ to chalk it up to you bein’ horny. You don’t ever fuckin’ touch me again unless I tell you to. That goes for all you bitches and you know it,” I growl out.
“You don’t have to be an asshole, Grave,” she whines.
“Keep talkin’ and you’ll find out why they call me Grave,” I answer, leaving the silent common room behind as I walk to my room.
No, I didn’t have to be such an ass to her. But, no one has the right to touch me and certainly not her. Vanessa and the kids are the only ones who have the right to me at all. Any part of me. And it’s going to be a while before I get any kind of touching from Nessa I want.
Locking myself in my room, I get undressed in my room before making my way to the bathroom I have attached to my room. I take a quick shower and throw a pair of lounge pants on before lying down in bed. Turning on the TV I put some action movie on and look around the room. It’s a mess right now and I need to get it cleaned up. Especially if I ever plan on bringing Vanessa and the kids around. That’s not for tonight though.
Tonight, I lay back and let the TV play in the background as I crash. I don’t sleep on the road because there’s too much that can go wrong. So, I let sleep pull me under and dream of Vanessa and the life I want to have with her.
Chapter Four
Vanessa
NATASHA HAS BEEN telling me all about the classes the compound offers. The one I’m most excited about is the cooking classes. Cooking is one of my favorite things to do and it allows me to relax and not think about all the shit in my life. I’ve always dreamed of cooking for others, maybe even opening a diner or bakery. It’s only a pipe dream of course, because it takes so much money to open a business.
This class is just for the women who are living at the compound and maybe a few of the ol’ ladies of Satan’s Anarchy so there is no reason not to go. Childcare is offered at the center where the classes are held for free, but Grave promised to keep an eye on Tyler and Kayla while I go to the class. He knew I wouldn’t go otherwise.
The first class I’m going to is being held today. We’re all making lasagna. It’s one of my favorite meals to make and I’ve been cooking it since I was about seven years old. Now, it’s more of a habit for me and I don’t have to concentrate on what I’m
doing because it’s all in my mind and I know exactly what I’m doing.
The kids have had their nap, and peanut butter crackers for a snack so they won’t bug Grave too much while I’m at class. I’m settling the kids down with a movie they love to watch when I hear Grave’s bike coming down the road. The loud rumble alerts the kids and I of his impending arrival. Tyler and Kayla get excited as they’re friend will be here soon.
“He’s here,” is screamed from the living room, while little feet patter toward the front door.
“I open,” Kayla says as she reaches for the doorknob.
Thank goodness Grave installed a chain to keep on at all times and it’s out of the reach of either kid.
“Don’t open the door,” I remind them both as Grave knocks. “Only mommy or Grave can open the door. We don’t want to let anyone in our home until we see who it is.”
Looking out the peephole to make sure it’s Grave, I unhook the chain and unlock the door. The kids are each wrapped around his legs and chattering a mile a minute before I’m even able to say hello.
Laughing at their antics, Grave reaches down and picks up both kids. He gives me a smile and heads into the living room with them while I relock and rechain the door.
“You ready for the class?” Grave asks when I enter the living room.
“As ready as I can be,” I tell him with a sigh.
“You’re goin’ to have fun,” he tells me with a smile. “And don’t forget to bring me home some of that lasagna. I’ve been dreamin’ about it ever since you told me you were goin’ to make it.”
“But I am still very nervous to go. Logically I know he won’t be there, but I still expect him to walk in the door,” I tell Grave honestly.
“Hawk is goin’ to be in Cassidy’s office durin’ the class,” he says. “There are Prospects on the gates, and I’m goin’ to be here. You’re safe. No one is goin’ to hurt you or the kids. Try to relax and have fun. Maybe you’ll make a few friends. Everyone who’s in the class has gone through somethin’ similar to what you are.”
“I’ll try, that’s all I can promise right now,” I mutter.
I head into the kitchen to gather myself before I leave the house. The kids and Grave are in the living room laughing and playing. They don’t even seem to care I’m about to leave the house. Or that I’m going to leave them with Grave. I wish I were that carefree.
“Kids,” I call from beside the front door. “Come give me a hug and kiss. Please be good for Grave. There are more crackers in the pantry if you ask politely Grave will give you a few more.”
“Okay, mommy,” my sweet babies say in stereo.
“Have fun,” Grave tells me. “The kids will be fine. We’ll be waitin’ for the leftovers when you’re done.”
Before I can change my mind and stay home, the door is open and I’m heading out. The classroom is in a large building in the middle of the compound and I notice I can see my house from there. So, my nerves ease a little more. As I walk up to the classroom, I see a small group of women standing around talking. They look at me as I enter the room, but don’t really pay much attention to me.
Natasha is standing at the front of the room. She’s got all the ingredients for lasagna lined up on all the counters around the room. Each station is ready for class already. Instead of walking to a station, I make my way to the side of the room because I’m not sure which station is not taken yet. I’ll choose mine once the other women go to theirs.
“You made it.” Natasha says, quickly waving hello to me.
“Grave talked me into coming. He’s with the kids and if I don’t like it, I won’t come again,” I answer honestly.
“We’ll be starting in a few minutes,” she says “Feel free to get a drink and say hello to everyone. There are several stoves and ovens so you can pick where you want to work.”
I walk to a station that’s toward the back of the room. In a way, I need to be close to the exits of a room I’m in when I’m out in public. It’s so I know I’m always be at an exit if something happens to one of the kids or Ray shows up here. I’ll have a quick getaway and be able to run to safety or find somewhere to hide. It’s been my mentality for so long, it’s almost a habit and I can’t control it.
“Vanessa, can you make more than one pan? Hawk and Chains are begging for some after hearing Grave talk about how excited he is you’re making it,” Cassidy asks coming in the room.
“Um, I guess,” I tell her. “Are you sure that you want me to do that? What if it’s not good? I have enough ingredients to make three pans. It won’t take any extra time really.”
“Girl, it’ll be fabulous,” Cassie laughs.
Everyone gets busy cooking. While I’m frying up the hamburger and sausage, I can hear the others talking. They seem to already be friends, and not reaching out to speak to me, which is perfectly fine with me. Listening to them talk allows me to stay in the background.
They all seem to be going through the same emotions and roller coasters I am. There is some comfort in knowing I’m not alone. I throw the pasta into the pan to get it cooking and before I realize it, it’s time to start layering the dish. When I’m done Natasha comes over to talk with me while I’m drying and putting away the pans.
“You seem to know what you’re doing,” she says quietly.
“I’ve been cooking since I was about seven years old,” I respond softly. “Hopefully this class will teach me some new recipes and skills. Do you think we will be doing some baking as well?”
“We do that once a week at least,” she tells me. “I think maybe you should plan on staying after the others leave or having some private classes with me. The others need to learn the basics while you have more skills. You could help me with what they are learning and then learn something new after, if you want.”
“I need to think about that,” I say as so many things begin running through my head. Who would watch the kids if I took extra classes? Would the other ladies hate me? “Helping in the class would be okay, but staying after or private classes are things I would need to discuss with Grave.”
“No rush, just let me know what you decide,” Natasha says with a smile.
No one else seems to be washing the dishes they used to cook with, so I quietly grab them and begin cleaning. While I’m washing the pans of one of the lady’s, I overhear her on the phone. She is talking to someone about banging a few of the club members. This has me freaking out on the inside, because no one is supposed to know the club is helping us. That is for our protection. I keep listening and hope she doesn’t say the club name or the members name. This is why I keep to myself. Trust is hard, and it seems people are always proving why you shouldn’t trust them.
The oven timer going off startles me, making me jump. I grab the potholders and pull out the pans of steaming hot lasagna. Everyone else has already tried theirs as they flew through making it. After setting the pans on the top of the oven to cool down, I finish washing the dishes and begin to put everything away. It takes me a few minutes to figure out where everything goes, but I manage to get it done before Cassidy comes in to steal a pan to take to Hawk and Chains.
Once Natasha has explained what we’ll be doing in the next class, I grab the remaining tray of lasagna and head out. There was a small amount left in one of the pans after the rest of the class tried mine, and Natasha asked if she could take that home for her lunch and dinner tomorrow. Grave and the kids will still have a full pan I can feed them for dinner tonight so I agree to let her have it.
Walking up to my door, it’s opened by Grave who takes the pan from my hands and carries it to the kitchen for me. I give both of the kids hugs and help them wash their hands. Grave is pulling down plates for me to put the food on before I’m done helping the kids get ready for dinner. He heads to the table and helps Tyler and Kayla into their booster seats while I fill sippy cups with milk and put their food on the table. Grave cuts their food into small bites when I head to the kitchen for his plate, and drink. It
still surprises me when he helps them with things like that. It’s something their sperm donor never did. Turning back to the kitchen to get some garlic bread I made earlier, Grave moans as he takes his first bite of lasagna. He seems to like it if his face is any indication.
“This is to die for,” Grave moans while taking another bite.
“Thank you,” I mumble in embarrassment.
“You should be teachin’ the class if you already have the skills for this,” he tells me.
“It’s not hard,” I laugh in response. “Natasha asked me to help her teach the other ladies. She said I could have private classes or stay after the regular classes to get more instruction.”
“I knew you were goin’ to be amazin’.” Grave tells me, making me blush.
“Next week Natasha said we’d be making enchiladas,” I tell him hoping he offers to watch Tyler and Kayla again in exchange for dinner.
“Those sound tasty,” he says thoughtfully. “Babysitting for dinner again?”
My giggles at his response seem to be all the answer he needs. He gives me a puppy dog look as he takes his last bite of lasagna. Laughing I head to the kitchen to bring the pan to the table so he can have more if he wants it. It’s not until later that night after he’s left and the kids are asleep that I realize the class was fun and I’m looking forward to the next one.
Other than cooking, I learned the women in the compound are in similar situations I’ve been in myself. I’m not sure about their childhood’s and if that’s similar, but it doesn’t matter. The only thing I care about is these women would understand why my children and I are here and what we want to gain from being here. It’s important to surround yourself with people who know what you’re going through when you thought for so long there wasn’t another soul in the world who would understand.
Chapter Five
Grave
I’M AT THE clubhouse, waiting to head out to Vanessa’s. She’s nervous about attending the classes at the compound still and I don’t want to get there too early, so she thinks about what today is. Yesterday was the first day of her come back. Yes, she’s coming back from the devastation of what her life was before she found her way to the compound. I’ll get the full story from her one day, but not today. I’m not going to push her for something she’s not ready to talk about just yet.
