No-one Ever Has Sex on Holiday: A totally hilarious summer read

by Bloom, Tracy

‘I can do normal,’ protested Daniel. ‘I do normal all the time.’

  ‘What was the last normal thing you did?’ she asked him. ‘Where you didn’t expect to get treated as special?’

  Daniel stared back at her.

  He looked around awkwardly.

  ‘I er… I er… rang and booked my own table at Quados last week.’

  ‘You managed to pick up the phone and book a table at a Michelin-starred restaurant? Congratulations, Daniel, you are truly normal,’ said Katy sarcastically.

  ‘I can do normal!’ protested Daniel. ‘You just wait and see. I will be the normal-looking one on this budget airline flight. I will take it in my stride, I will blend into the background as though I am totally used to chronically bad service and being squashed against way too many synthetic fibres. I am going to blend in as though I am one of the masses, just you wait and see. Oh my God!’ he said, his eyes flaring wide as he looked over Katy’s shoulders. ‘What have you made me do?’

  Katy turned round to see a man with a beard, dressed in a Babygro with a dummy round his neck, join the queue behind them. He was followed by several more adult males in a variety of colours of Babygro, as well as a man in just a large nappy, a vest and pink booties. He was clearly the unfortunate groom on his way to a lively-looking stag party.

  Katy glanced over at Daniel, who was staring at the group. He looked pale as he leaned over towards Gabriel and whispered in his ear.

  ‘Did you pack the Valium?’ he asked him.

  * * *

  When they eventually got to the check-in desk there was an altercation over the number of car seats they were travelling with and at one point Katy thought she was going to have to restrain Daniel, who didn’t know how to deal with the airline representative’s insolent tone.

  ‘Daniel!’ she said. ‘Go and stand over there. You are not helping.’

  ‘But she’s being a prick,’ said Daniel.

  ‘I will be calling my supervisor,’ said the woman, ‘if you don’t get this man out of my face.’

  ‘I am not in your face,’ replied Daniel. ‘I do not want to be anywhere near your stupid—’

  ‘Daniel!’ shouted Katy. ‘Over there before we are all banned from flying.’

  ‘Come on, mate,’ said Ben, taking his arm and leading him to one side. ‘It really doesn’t help getting angry, believe me.’

  ‘But I don’t understand. Where is their level of customer service?’ protested Daniel, looking confused.

  ‘They don’t have any. Just deal with it. That’s why it’s so cheap.’

  ‘So we’ll pay to put one of the car seats in the hold,’ offered Katy, turning back to the woman. ‘If that’s what it takes to get us on this flight.’

  ‘It’s normally the stag dos that give us grief at the desk,’ the woman said to her. ‘Not the families. Have a nice flight,’ she added with a grimace, handing back the passports.

  * * *

  ‘Hang on,’ said Gabriel as they cleared security. ‘Brainy hasn’t got through yet.’

  ‘Can you please call him Braindead?’ asked Ben. ‘It’s so confusing when you call him Brainy.’

  Gabriel smiled at Ben and put his hand on his shoulder. ‘But I think that Brainy suits him so much more, don’t you?’

  Ben looked back towards the scanning machines where Braindead, Abby and Logan were still occupied. Abby and Logan had come through but Braindead appeared to be in an altercation with the pushchair and was currently engaged in trying to ram it into the hole to get it through the scanner.

  This could end really badly, thought Ben.

  Suddenly an alarm went off and an orange light started flashing on top of the scanner. Uniforms moved swiftly and surrounded Braindead, pulling him away from the machine and the offending buggy. A male security guard gripped his arm tightly as two others grabbed hold of the buggy and started yanking it with some force.

  ‘The Bugaboo,’ shrieked Abby. ‘That cost more than this holiday.’

  Ben watched frozen to the spot, unsure what to do. He daren’t go and help, as he feared that making a dash through the people scanner would look mighty suspicious.

  A further uniformed man approached and joined the other two in their battle with the buggy and the security scanner, which both seemed unwilling to let each other go. By this time the people in the queue behind Braindead were tutting and showing signs of revolt as they looked at their watches and tapped their feet impatiently.

  ‘We’ll need an engineer,’ someone finally declared. ‘It’s jammed. Can you get Mike on the radio?’

  ‘Tell Mike I’m sorry,’ said Braindead, looking very sorry for himself. ‘I didn’t mean to break anything. Can I still go on holiday?’

  None of the assembled uniforms replied.

  ‘I can’t watch,’ announced Katy, standing behind Ben and Gabriel. ‘I think I might join the stag do in the bar. I think their trip might be less chaotic than ours.’

  ‘Why don’t you all go for a coffee and I’ll wait here for Braindead,’ said Ben. ‘Who knows how this is going to pan out. I didn’t read anything in the FAQs about what to do if you manage to break security!’

  * * *

  ‘Why are we standing here?’ asked Daniel an hour later after Braindead had finally been allowed through after the Bugaboo had been completely dismantled. It was now in bits in a large duty-free bag. ‘It’s still thirty minutes until we board.’

  ‘Because if we don’t stand and wait at the front of the line we may not be able to sit together,’ replied Ben.

  ‘What do you mean, we might not be able to sit together? Aren’t our seats allocated?’ asked Daniel.

  ‘No,’ replied Ben. ‘It’s first come, first served.’

  Daniel turned to look at him with a look of utter horror.

  ‘What? Like a bus?’

  ‘Yes,’ replied Ben. ‘I can’t believe you have never been on a budget airline before. Surely you knew that?’

  Daniel gazed around him in shock. ‘So we have to be at the front of the queue?’

  ‘Yep,’ nodded Ben.

  ‘And just wait?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘This is already the worst holiday I have ever been on.’

  ‘Welcome to the real world, Daniel.’

  * * *

  ‘Oi,’ shouted Daniel as an elderly couple overtook him along the gangway leading onto the plane. ‘Oi! We were in front of you in the queue. We’re getting on this plane first. Don’t you know the seats are not allocated? You can’t push in like that!’

  The elderly couple did not look back. They were either deaf or pretending to be deaf. They were sitting on the front row by the time Daniel had battled through the door of the plane with car seats and the new changing rucksack and fumbled with the tickets out of his pocket. The elderly couple looked up at Daniel innocently as he went to walk past them.

  He tapped Katy on the shoulder, and she turned around looking totally and utterly harassed. Jack was smearing chocolate over her flushed face and she was struggling to keep the over-packed nappy bag under control as she made her way up the narrow aisle.

  Daniel shook his head in disbelief.

  ‘I have absolutely no idea how to enjoy this holiday,’ he announced desperately.

  Katy blinked back at him as Jack stuffed his hand in her mouth.

  ‘Neither have I,’ she mumbled back.

  Chapter Five

  ‘Just grab a seat,’ shouted Katy as they approached some clear rows. ‘We can reorganise ourselves after we take off. Just grab a seat!’ She had to calm down. It was like the first day of the sales. This wasn’t the relaxing start to the holiday that she had hoped for.

  They piled into three rows of seats, nappy bags, car seats and the bag of broken Bugaboo being flung here, there and everywhere in order to claim their spot. Gabriel and Braindead ended up in a row of three with Silvie on Gabriel’s knee and Logan plonked firmly between them. Then Ben managed to commandeer an entire row for him, Millie and Jack, l
eaving Abby, Katy and Daniel to fill up the row behind them. That would do for now, thought Katy, sitting down between Daniel and Abby.

  ‘I am clenching my buttocks so tight,’ announced Daniel once he’d fastened his seatbelt and arranged his magazine and newspaper in the pocket in front of him.

  ‘What’s up now?’ she asked.

  ‘What happens if the Baby Stag Party ends up sitting near to us? Are there face masks provided because I don’t think I can look at grown men in Babygros, drinking the bar dry.’

  ‘Looks like the steward is sending them to the back of the plane out of everyone’s way,’ said Katy as the overgrown babies trooped past them, already swaying, no doubt with one too many pints inside them.

  ‘Don’t make eye contact,’ hissed Daniel. ‘Everyone look at the floor and hopefully they’ll just walk straight past.’

  They both went quiet, pretending to study the safety instructions.

  ‘Is this seat taken?’ a voice piped up.

  They looked up and there was a lady in her mid-forties pointing at the seat opposite the aisle to Daniel. She looked harmless enough and she certainly wasn’t dressed in babywear. She was large; her body rippled under her pink striped T-shirt and three-quarter-length trousers.

  ‘Oh no, please,’ said Daniel. ‘You take this seat. Can I help you with anything?’

  ‘Oi,’ shouted the lady down the aisle. ‘There’s enough room here for us all. Get a shift on. If you wouldn’t mind holding my duty-free,’ she said, handing a large bag over to Daniel as a gaggle of twenty-something girls in pink sparkly cowboy hats and matching T-shirts oozed into the remaining seats surrounding the group.

  Daniel exchanged a glance with Katy. He shook his head slowly.

  ‘That’s better,’ said the woman, kicking off her shoes and taking the bag back from Daniel. She delved inside and pulled out a stack of paper cups and a bottle of vodka.

  ‘Right, ladies,’ she said, pulling down the lap tray and splashing the liquid into the cups. ‘Get some of this down you before old frosty knickers at the front comes and confiscates it.’

  Paper cups were passed along rows and over heads and across the aisle until everyone had one.

  ‘Here, have one,’ the woman said to Daniel when she caught him staring at her. ‘Just don’t grass us up to the trolley dollies.’

  Daniel glanced back at Katy and then shrugged in a ‘if you can’t beat ’em join ’em’ kind of way. He stuck his hand out. ‘Why not?’ he said. ‘I could do with it.’

  ‘My name’s Ruth,’ the woman told him. ‘We’re on a hen do. You on a family holiday, I take it,’ she said, nodding at Katy and Abby.

  Daniel gasped in shock. ‘This is not my wife and I am certainly not old enough to have a daughter of Abby’s age or dress sense. No, my husband and baby daughter are in the row in front there, look.’

  ‘I see,’ nodded Ruth. ‘Aren’t you just the adorable things? Would your husband care to join us?’

  ‘Not for me, but gracias, that is very kind,’ Gabriel replied, turning round, clearly having been listening to every word.

  ‘He’s foreign?’ said Ruth to Daniel. ‘Good-looking and holding the baby. You punched above your weight, didn’t you?’

  Daniel gasped in shock whilst Katy threw back her head and laughed.

  ‘You are so right,’ said Katy, leaning forward to address Ruth. ‘I’ve no idea how he managed it either.’

  ‘Oi you,’ said Daniel. ‘I’ll have you know I’m a catch.’

  ‘Clearly hidden qualities,’ said Ruth, raising her eyebrows at Katy. ‘Vodka?’

  Katy glanced at Daniel who had already knocked back his drink and was now actually looking a lot more relaxed.

  ‘Why not,’ she nodded. ‘It seems to have cheered up the miseries amongst us. Today has to get better somehow.’

  Ruth handed her over yet another cup from the seemingly never-ending supply in her bag. ‘And your friend next to you?’ she asked, indicating Abby.

  ‘Oh yes please,’ said Abby, eagerly leaning forward. ‘Thought you’d never ask.’

  ‘Where are you staying?’ asked Katy once more alcohol had been distributed.

  ‘The Consuella,’ answered Ruth.

  ‘Oh,’ said Katy. ‘I think that’s just down the road from us. We’re at the Romano.’

  ‘Well, I’m sure yours is much fancier than ours. Ours is a dump but it’s only for a few nights. We’ll spend our money on giving Cassie a proper good time.’

  ‘So who’s the lucky lady?’ asked Abby.

  ‘Cassie,’ said Ruth, turning to address the person next to her. ‘Stand up, chick, and say hello to my new friends.’

  A young girl stood up and rather timidly gave them a wave. They waved back.

  ‘Is she your daughter?’ asked Daniel.

  ‘You cheeky bastard,’ admonished Ruth.

  ‘Touché, I think,’ replied Daniel with a sly grin.

  ‘We’re colleagues actually,’ said Ruth. ‘Cassie works in my team but we’re like one big happy family at Spendloves. I always organise the hen parties. The girls love it. They come to me and say they are getting married and I say, right, you tell me where, when, guest list, budget and I’ll sort it. One year I did do three actually, which I nearly had a breakdown over, but never mind, it was worth it.’

  ‘So you’re like a professional hen party organiser but you do it just for your mates and your colleagues?’ asked Abby in awe. ‘And you always go along. How cool is that?’

  ‘That’s right. I’ve got it down to a fine art by now of course. Which reminds me,’ she said, looking at her watch. ‘It’s time. Hold that, will you?’ She handed the vodka bottle over to Daniel. ‘Be careful not to let the stewards see it or they’ll take it off you. Help yourself.’

  Ruth leant down between her legs and fished a parcel out of her carry-on bag. Daniel poured a generous amount of vodka into his cup before topping up Katy and Abby.

  ‘Pass the parcel time, girls,’ said Ruth, standing up and turning to face the seats behind her. ‘Pass this round and every time I shout “Cock and Bull”, if you’re holding the parcel you have to peel a layer off and do whatever it says in the piece of paper inside. Sneak the vodka round first,’ she added in a stage whisper, taking the bottle from Daniel and passing it to the girls in the row behind him.

  ‘You joining us?’ Ruth asked Daniel. ‘I think snog a gay man is on one of the challenges so if you join in and you get that one, you are quids in, hey? Although saying that, I think I want that one and then I can have a go at your husband.’

  ‘I really don’t like you objectifying my husband,’ replied Daniel.

  ‘Liar,’ said Katy, knocking back some more vodka. ‘You love it.’

  ‘Don’t let her join in,’ Daniel said to Ruth. ‘Can you imagine if she had to kiss me? I might never recover. The thought of it makes me feel sick.’

  ‘You can all join in,’ said Ruth. ‘The more the merrier. Right, are we ready – off you go, Bridget.’

  Bridget chucked the parcel at her neighbour, who passed it to her left, then the parcel flew over the back of a seat to the next row and it shuffled along until it was lobbed over another row and right into Daniel’s lap just at the moment that Ruth shouted, ‘Cock and Bull!’

  ‘Ooh,’ said Daniel, clapping his hands in excitement. He handed his drink to Katy and began to rip off the paper. Into his lap fell a chocolate penis lollipop.

  ‘Oh,’ said Ruth. ‘I forgot I put those in.’

  ‘You all need to sit down,’ shouted a steward walking up the gangway.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ apologised Ruth, turning a charming smile on the man bearing down on them.

  ‘I need you all in your seats and belted up,’ he continued.

  ‘Bit harsh,’ muttered Daniel.

  ‘It’s for safety,’ said the steward, glaring at Daniel. ‘And may I remind you that the consumption of duty-free alcohol is strictly forbidden on board flights,’ he continued, glaring at Dani
el who now also had the bottle in his hand after it had done the rounds.

  ‘Someone get out of bed the wrong side this morning?’ said Daniel, stifling a giggle.

  ‘I’m just trying to do my job,’ he said.

  ‘And you are doing an excellent job of offering five-star hospitality aboard this luxury flight,’ replied Daniel. ‘Would you like a lollipop?’ He held the phallic sweet up in the steward’s face.

  ‘Could I ask you to put that away?’

  Daniel giggled like a teenager caught doing something they shouldn’t on the back of the school bus.

  ‘I’ve got my eye on you,’ said the steward, nodding at Daniel. ‘Any funny business and I’ll have the police waiting at the other end.’

  ‘What!’ said Daniel, outraged. ‘What have I done? All I want to do is get through this flight any way I can so I can enjoy my holiday with my husband and my child and these two other lovely families that I’m going away with. And you’re threatening to get me arrested.’

  ‘You’re not with this lot?’ asked the steward, indicating those in the sparkling cowboy hats.

  ‘No! We’ve only just met but I have to say they have been a damn sight more hospitable than you have so far. I may be writing to this airline and complimenting them on the standard of their customers but not of their staff. These people have given me free alcohol and snacks which I understand that unlike most civilised airlines you do not.’ He pushed the bottle of vodka and the penis lollipop into the face of the steward yet again.

  The man looked like he was ready to burst. He leaned forward until his head was at the same height as Daniel’s head. He grabbed the vodka bottle and the lollipop out of his hands.

  ‘You can have these back at the end of the flight,’ he said. ‘And like I said, I’m watching you.’ He straightened and walked towards the back of the plane.

  ‘But they’re not mine,’ Daniel shouted after him. ‘Bring back their vodka and cockpop!’

  Several other passengers looked up and stared, tutting as they did so.