No-one Ever Has Sex on Holiday: A totally hilarious summer read

by Bloom, Tracy

  ‘Look,’ he said. ‘Let’s go in the pool, shall we? Elsa wouldn’t be able to go in there anyway so let’s worry about her later after we’ve been in the pool.’

  ‘Why wouldn’t Elsa be able to go in the pool?’ asked Millie.

  Ben glanced at Katy, who still had her head in her hands.

  ‘Because she can’t swim,’ he replied.

  Millie gasped.

  ‘Why can’t she swim?’

  ‘Because they didn’t teach girls to swim in the olden days,’ he replied.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because princesses didn’t need to know how to swim, they were too busy being princesses.’

  Millie stared at him for a moment trying to process this piece of information.

  ‘Then we must teach her how to swim,’ she eventually concluded.

  Katy groaned. She could so tell where this was going. She had already been back up to the room twice to fetch forgotten items, which was no mean feat when also marshalling two dawdling children.

  Ben had gone quiet. She daren’t raise her head and look at him for fear that then she would be forced to collude on how to solve the current crisis.

  ‘Before you can teach Elsa, don’t you think you need to practise?’ said Ben. ‘Make sure you can do it properly so you can teach her properly.’

  Nice one, thought Katy, daring to raise her head. Her daughter had her face screwed up thinking this through and eventually agreed that perhaps that was an acceptable answer.

  ‘You’ll have to come in if they are both coming in,’ Ben told Katy. ‘I don’t think I can keep hold of both of them.’

  Katy looked down at the sun lounger and thought of her book in her bag, so near and yet so far. She stood up and, with the air of someone preparing to be hanged, slowly took off the enormous piece of floaty fabric which was doing a grand job of hiding her wobbly bits. She stood in her one-piece swimsuit which didn’t quite fit and was a startling pink print because she’d left it too late to go shopping and so all the good swimsuits had gone. It would be a low point in any scenario, unsuitably dressed and about to charter tricky waters and with the nagging thought at the back of her head that this also meant she would have to wash and dry her hair later. Her heart filled with resignation rather than relaxation, which would be preferable on the first day of one’s holiday.

  * * *

  Pool time with kids could have been enjoyable had it not been for the constant splashing in the face with water, or pulling of hair or kicking of tiny feet against the belly or digging of tiny fingernails in the arm or the constant terror that you might lose concentration and they might drown. Apart from that it was an absolute delight and Katy was so glad that they had all agreed that a pool was essential for a successful summer holiday with kids.

  Eventually the children grew tired. Millie started crying because Jack kicked her in the face and so they all agreed that pool time was over. Finally Katy got to put her bottom on a sun lounger as she dried Millie and wondered whether she had the energy to insist that they both needed another layer of sunscreen or if that would spark a tirade of complaints that she wasn’t sure she could deal with.

  She was hoping that now might be her chance for maybe ten minutes with her book but she hadn’t worked out her strategy for achieving this. Perhaps she should suggest that Ben take them to the games room but this hardly seemed fair on him. Perhaps if she offered to take them Ben might insist he take them as he loved a games room, but it was a high-risk strategy that could end up with her alone in a windowless room with two children demanding extortionate amounts of money to fritter away on pointless machines.

  She reached in her bag to check the time on her phone. Maybe it was time to send off Ben, Jack and Millie to check out the lunch options, which might afford just a few minutes’ respite.

  To her surprise there was a missed call and three texts awaiting her from Cassie, the reluctant hen party bride.

  Hiya – hope you are having a good first day. Just in case you have changed your mind we will all be in Larry’s Bar which I think is down the road from your hotel tomorrow night. Would love you to come. Cassie x

  Katy shook her head. It was tempting. More tempting than yesterday given the morning that she’d had. It could be her only chance of something resembling a holiday experience.

  8pm by the way. We’ll be dressed up but come as you are. C x

  Katy shook her head again. Hen party alarm bells went off in her head. Dressing up? Even if she didn’t have to, she was way too old to be around people who did.

  Please come xx

  Katy furrowed her brow at the last text. Kind of desperate sounding. But no, it was a bad idea. She hadn’t come on holiday to go out and get drunk, she’d come on holiday for a lovely family time. She threw her phone back in her bag, deciding that she would text back later and politely decline.

  ‘Should we think about lunch?’ she announced to her fellow happy holidaymakers. Daniel of course was stretched out on a lounger somehow managing to read a book whilst Silvie nestled between Gabriel’s legs and chewed on her own cloth book. Braindead had made his towel into a hillside landscape for Logan’s cars and they were busy driving them round complete with engine noises. There was still no sign of Abby.

  ‘Good thinking,’ said Braindead, looking up. ‘I clearly didn’t have enough buffet at the buffet breakfast. I’m starving.’

  ‘I saw a lovely little tapas bar in the next town when we drove past yesterday from the airport,’ piped up Daniel. ‘The specials board outside said squid and gazpacho. Two of my favourites. Why don’t we all go there?’

  Katy looked at him as though he was out of his mind.

  ‘Are you out of your mind?’ she asked him.

  Daniel blinked back. ‘No,’ he replied. ‘I’m merely trying to make a suggestion for lunch, that’s all.’

  ‘To a tapas bar!’ she said. ‘Miles away! Serving squid and cold soup?’

  ‘It’s merely in the next town, a short taxi ride away, and what is wrong with squid and cold soup?’

  ‘Nothing,’ she replied. ‘Unless you’re travelling with small children, making going to a restaurant in the next town entail a time-consuming trip back to the hotel room, where they will be most upset that you have made them take a bath and put on clean clothes and reapply sunscreen yet again before you gather all the necessary accoutrements to keep kids happy during a grown-up meal in a grown-up restaurant, including books they will not look at and games they will not play until they find the iPad that you have hidden in the bottom of your bag in case of emergencies, which you realise pretty soon after you arrive that you are actually in an emergency as you have taken them to a restaurant where they don’t serve chips and nuggets, just squid or cold soup!’

  Daniel waited a moment before he replied.

  ‘I think you are seeing unnecessary barriers,’ he said calmly.

  ‘Fine,’ she replied. ‘You go. You go and enjoy your cold soup and squid.’

  ‘Well, that hardly seems in the spirit of the holiday,’ said Daniel. ‘Where were you thinking?’

  Katy sighed, not knowing what was more depressing, the thought of not going to the nice restaurant with the lovely squid and gazpacho or going where she was about to suggest.

  ‘I just thought it would be easiest to order some hotdogs from the pool bar,’ she muttered.

  ‘Hotdogs!’ exclaimed Daniel. ‘You’ve dragged me all the way to Spain to eat hotdogs?’

  ‘It’s just easier,’ she gasped. ‘You know, with the kids,’ she added, feeling as depressed as Daniel was no doubt feeling. ‘You’ll understand when Silvie is older. Easy always outweighs better when it comes to kids. Always.’

  They stared at each other in a moment of dawning realisation that she was right.

  ‘Will there be any moments of adult joy at all on this holiday?’ asked Daniel.

  Katy couldn’t bear to answer him.

  ‘Shall I go and order?’ said Ben, getting up and hoisting Jac
k onto his hip. ‘Hotdogs and chips all round, is it?’

  ‘I suppose so,’ muttered Daniel.

  ‘Yes please,’ also muttered Katy.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Braindead. ‘And a small one for this one and don’t forget the ketchup. Lots of ketchup, please.’

  ‘How about you, Ollie?’ Ben shouted over to their new friend. ‘Want to join us for lunch? We can’t take you out on the town and pull women but we’ll share a hotdog with you.’

  ‘Well, that’s very kind,’ said Ollie. ‘If you’re sure. I’ll come and help you.’

  ‘Gabriel,’ Ben finally asked. ‘You up for some local delicacy known as Las Hotas Dogas?’

  ‘If that is what you Brits choose to eat in Spain then yes, of course,’ he replied, looking unusually glum. ‘But I will wash mine down with some red wine in the true Spanish style if you don’t mind.’

  ‘Wow,’ muttered Daniel, still clearly in a bad mood. ‘That will make up for the gazpacho.’

  ‘And here is Abby, just in time for lunch,’ announced Ben, looking up and starting to clap. ‘Did you smell the hotdogs, Abby?’

  Katy looked up to see Abby walking towards them with a big grin on her face.

  ‘Here she is!’ Braindead exclaimed. ‘Here’s Mummy. She must be feeling better, eh? Logan and I made a new friend,’ Braindead told her. ‘This is Ollie.’

  Abby glanced over but barely seemed to acknowledge him.

  ‘Stop sucking up to Ollie,’ said Daniel to Braindead. ‘I know what you’re up to.’

  ‘Guess what?’ said Abby, grinning from ear to ear. ‘Fi from the hen party yesterday has sent a message asking if Katy, Daniel and I want to join them for a night out tomorrow night. I’m going to drink negronis and then we’re going for tapas.’

  ‘Yes!’ cried out Daniel.

  ‘You want to go out on a hen night?’ said Katy incredulously.

  ‘I’ve just been told that my main culinary highlights this week will be hotdogs and now Abby has arrived with news of cocktails and tapas. Of course I want to go.’

  ‘Pool, Daddy?’ Logan suddenly shouted. ‘Pool now, Daddy.’

  Braindead didn’t answer, just stared at Abby.

  ‘Mummy,’ said Millie, tugging on her mum’s hand. ‘Can I have ice cream for lunch?’

  ‘You’ll come, won’t you, Katy?’ Abby asked her. ‘Please come with me.’

  ‘Well, I, er,’ stuttered Katy. When she’d had the text from Cassie she had no desire to go but suddenly a night out without kids and with grown-ups and real food, not fast food, did sound very appealing.

  ‘Daniel’s coming, aren’t you?’ pressed Abby.

  ‘Well, as long as it’s okay with Gabriel?’ he said, looking over at his husband.

  No-one said anything.

  ‘You should go,’ said Gabriel. ‘Look after Abby and Katy and have fun and the rest of us will be Daddy Day Care.’ He paused. ‘And to keep everyone happy and to make sure we all have fun then the next night maybe me and Ben and Braindead will take out Ollie here and show him a good time. Find him a beautiful Spanish lady, perhaps. How does that sound to everyone?’

  Abby got up and dashed over to Gabriel and embraced him in a hug. ‘What a brilliant idea,’ she gasped. ‘I thought this was going to be a terrible holiday, what with being stuck with the kids and everything, but it’s going to be great!’

  Ben watched Braindead’s face fall.

  ‘I suppose it’s okay,’ said Ben when no-one said anything. ‘That is of course if that’s what you want to do, Katy?’

  Katy shrugged. It wasn’t what she had expected for this holiday but Abby had already decided she was in the hen party gang and, actually, the more she got into this family holiday malarkey, the more a grown-ups-only night out sounded fun.

  ‘I really don’t want you to plan your holiday around me,’ interjected Ollie, looking mortified. ‘I mean, you’re already letting me share hotdogs with you.’

  Ben swiftly put his hand on Ollie’s shoulder. ‘It’s fine,’ he said. ‘What do you think, Braindead?’

  Braindead lifted Logan into his arms and kissed his forehead. ‘If that’s what everyone wants to do,’ he said quietly, ‘it’s fine by me.’

  ‘Great,’ said Abby. ‘I’ll text Fi now. Tell her we’re on. Then I really need to think of what I’m going to wear. Isn’t this brilliant? I really feel like I’m on holiday now.’

  Katy looked over at Ben. She had a bad feeling that the ‘wives’ getting involved in a hen party whilst the ‘husbands’ went out to try and fix up a jilted fiancé wasn’t the answer to making this holiday go like a dream but it looked like that was where it was heading. Their holiday entertainment had been chosen and surprisingly, hers involved deely-bopper penises and ridiculous drinking games whilst her husband would be trawling the bars helping someone pick up women. This already felt like a family holiday gone seriously wrong and she could only hope that they would all get to the end of it intact.

  Chapter Ten

  Ben could see Daniel standing in reception as they came out of the lift and his heart sank. He had his hands on his hips and didn’t look happy. Personally, Ben had been looking forward to dinner all afternoon. They’d selected an all-you-can-eat buffet in the hotel to keep things simple after the lunchtime debacle. It sounded like a meal made in heaven to Ben but Daniel clearly wasn’t on the same page as him.

  ‘Have you seen it?’ he exclaimed as they walked towards him. Jack was in the pushchair in the vague hope that later he might climb in and fall asleep as they took a seat in the bar and enjoyed some adult time. Millie had had her hair plaited and insisted on wearing her now safety-pinned-together Elsa dress. It was looking really special teamed with a pair of black Crocs. Ben had put a book in the nappy bag for her to read quietly later. Well, that was the plan. He’d also put in an iPad and some headphones but he and Katy had agreed that this would be produced only as a last resort in order to keep them quiet. They weren’t the type of parents who let their kids use electronics at the dinner table… often.

  Daniel was looking immaculate in linen trousers and a pristine white T-shirt which was so clean it positively shone in a way that none of Ben’s white clothes ever did. Optimistic to wear white, thought Ben. They were about to go into an all-you-can-eat buffet with four young children.

  ‘Just look at this, will you,’ urged Daniel as they reached them. ‘I have seen some sights in my life but I have never ever seen anything quite like this.’

  Ben looked to where he was indicating and indeed it was quite a shock. On one side of reception next to the entrance to the dining room there was what could only be described as a sea of pushchairs/buggies/scooters/kids’ ride-ons. There must have been over fifty contraptions littering the pathway to their fine-ish dining experience.

  ‘What is that?’ asked Daniel, looking utterly perplexed.

  ‘I think it’s what’s known as your version of hell,’ grinned Ben.

  ‘And they are all parked here because…’ asked Daniel.

  ‘Well, I guess it means that all the occupiers of those vehicles are in there,’ said Ben, pointing to the restaurant.

  Daniel visibly paled.

  ‘There cannot be that many children all in one place,’ he said.

  ‘Surely you are used to kids since Silvie arrived?’ asked Ben, pushing Jack towards the mechanical chaos and starting to unbuckle him from out of his pushchair.

  ‘Silvie is of course the love of my life along with Gabriel, but other kids… no, I don’t get it.’

  ‘What about Millie and Jack and Logan?’

  ‘Bearable,’ replied Daniel matter of factly.

  ‘Ow, thanks,’ muttered Ben.

  ‘No, I mean they’re lovely, of course they are, but just because you have your own kid I don’t get why it has to mean that you then have to spend so much time surrounded by other people’s kids. I chose to have Silvie. I didn’t choose to have some snotty-nosed kid who happens to go to a playgroup with her.’

/>   ‘But you will want her to have friends, surely?’

  Daniel looked over at Ben.

  ‘I suppose so,’ he replied, but he didn’t look convinced.

  ‘Shall we go in?’ said Ben, lifting Jack into his arms.

  Daniel gave a huge sigh and shrugged. ‘Is this what being a parent is all about?’ he asked. ‘Continually having to lower your standards?’

  ‘Maybe your standards were too high in the first place,’ said Ben. ‘Maybe what being a parent is all about is enjoying the simpler things in life, like a smile, or a giggle or being called Daddy, rather than a Michelin-starred meal or a designer suit.’

  Daniel stared at Ben for some time. He swallowed and nodded.

  ‘Into the fray we go then,’ he said, taking a deep breath and stepping forward.

  * * *

  ‘I can only find two high chairs,’ said Braindead, arriving back at the table they had nabbed by literally hovering for five minutes as they waited for a poor grandmother to finish. Katy was so quick to pull her chair from under her she had come close to upending the woman as she stood up.

  ‘Put Silvie and Logan in them,’ replied Ben. ‘I’ll go and get some food for Jack and there might be a chair free by then.’

  ‘How can they not have enough high chairs?’ questioned Katy. ‘Surely that’s a given in a hotel like this?’

  ‘It’ll be fine,’ said Ben. ‘Jack can sit on my knee if he has to.’

  ‘Look!’ cried Katy suddenly. ‘That family are getting up over there, quick, look! They’ve got a high chair.’

  Ben glanced across the room to a family of three. Mum, Dad and a baby of about a year old. They had a slew of empty plates in front of them and the dad was just leaning over to take the baby out. The mother had picked up her handbag and was rooting around in it. That high chair was his for the taking. Ben looked nervously around to see if anyone else had spotted it. He could see a family of five lingering by the door, waiting for a table to become free, the mother holding a baby in her arms who was bashing her over the head with a teething ring. The father had his eyes all over the restaurant, poised to jump the moment anyone showed any interest in leaving a table. Ben figured that perhaps he had only spotted that tables were in short supply and not high chairs. Perhaps Ben would be able to nip in and swoop the high chair away before the other father had had time to gather his wits about him and spot that getting a table for his brood was the least of his worries.