No-one Ever Has Sex on Holiday: A totally hilarious summer read

by Bloom, Tracy

‘You go,’ urged Cassie, catching sight of the looks of horror on Katy and Daniel’s faces. ‘Honestly. I know you don’t want to do this again. Thanks for everything.’ She smiled weakly and turned to join the rest of the party before Ruth blew her whistle again.

  ‘Come on,’ said Daniel, pulling on Katy’s sleeve. ‘Quick or else Ruth will drag us into it again. Come on, quick, run!’

  He grabbed her hand and they made a dash for it, pushing past the lager drinkers and the cocktail guzzlers, ducking and diving, gathering speed until they made their way out into the open air outside the club. Katy could feel her heart going like the clappers as she looked nervously over her shoulder in case Ruth had followed them out, still worried about Cassie.

  They stood clutching each other, trying to grab a breath.

  ‘Well, that was weird,’ said Daniel eventually. ‘How on earth did we get involved in that? Bloody budget airlines and having to sit next to strangers on the plane. I’m never flying like that again.’

  ‘You were the one who got chatting. You were the one buying them drinks. You can’t blame the airline. You got involved of your own free will. We’re just past all this stuff.’

  ‘Thank goodness,’ he nodded. ‘I never ever ever ever want to perform a dance on demand of a whistle ever again. Right now I just want to climb in bed with my husband and… and… well, I guess we will have to sleep. Bloody hell, what kind of holiday is this?’

  Chapter Fifteen

  Daniel had made every effort not to wake Gabriel or Silvie when he got in. He took his shoes off then opened the door inch by inch, trying not to make a sound. He shed his clothes in the tight hallway without even turning on the lights, knowing that the slightest sound could wake their daughter and that was the last thing they both needed at this time of night.

  He tiptoed across the room and jumped straight into his single bed, chuntering under his breath at the unfairness of their sleeping arrangements. He could just about make out Gabriel’s body in the next bed, rising and falling, before he closed his eyes and prayed he didn’t have room-spin. Sleep came quickly.

  * * *

  ‘Fuck… fuck… fuck, what the hell, what are you doing here?’ cried Daniel as he came out of the bathroom the next morning, having marvelled at the fact they had all had a lie-in and no-one had stirred before seven thirty. He’d walked out of the bathroom to be faced with Ollie sitting up in Gabriel’s bed, rubbing his eyes, as he stood there naked.

  * * *

  ‘I’m not speaking to anyone,’ announced Daniel when he later made it down to the beach. He was clutching a miserable-looking Silvie in a baby sling on his chest, having eventually tracked down Gabriel and his daughter in the honeymoon suite. He was wearing dark shades and his linen shirt was starting to look crumpled as well as his hair being all askew.

  ‘You got a hangover too?’ asked Ben, who was digging a hole in the sand with Millie.

  ‘I have not got a hangover,’ protested Katy, bouncing Jack up and down on her knee. ‘I’m just tired, really very tired. And this one woke up screaming at six thirty so is it any wonder I feel like death?’

  ‘Mummy,’ said Jack, giving her a winning smile and banging his hand into her mouth.

  ‘It’s okay to be all smiles now,’ she said to him. ‘Why couldn’t you have been like this at the crack of dawn?’

  ‘Well, at least you didn’t have the shock of your life this morning when you came out of the bathroom only to find a strange man in your bedroom,’ announced Daniel.

  ‘What!’ said Ben and Katy.

  ‘A man!’ exclaimed Daniel. ‘Sitting on the bed.’

  ‘Oh my God, who?’ asked Katy. ‘How did they get in, have you contacted security? Was Silvie with you?’

  ‘Well,’ said Daniel, laying Silvie carefully on a lounger and plonking the nappy rucksack on the sand. ‘No need as I knew him.’

  ‘Knew him!’ exclaimed Katy. ‘But I only left you on the second floor, did you manage to pull on the way to the bedroom? Oh Daniel, tell me that you didn’t.’

  ‘Of course I bloody didn’t. Apparently Gabriel won the honeymoon suite from Ollie in a game of table football last night and so they swapped rooms before we got back but failed to tell me and so I crept into the room oblivious. I not only had the shock of my life this morning but also missed a night’s sleep in a kingsize bed with my husband. Unbelievable.’

  ‘They said they were going to leave you a big note on the door,’ said Ben.

  ‘Well, I can’t say I was up to reading any notes at that time of night. I didn’t see a thing. But to be honest, I think Ollie is more traumatised than I am. He thought it would do him good to get out of the bridal suite but he didn’t bank on his new bedroom coming with a flash of my naked body.’

  ‘Holy moly,’ said Ben laughing. ‘As if this holiday could get any worse for the poor lad.’

  ‘Hey,’ said Daniel. ‘I’m in good nick, I’ll have you know. Just not what he would be expecting to write on his postcards home.’

  ‘So have you deposited yourself in the honeymoon suite now?’ asked Ben.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Daniel. ‘I’ve left Gabriel there for a lie-in. Nearly broke my heart.’

  ‘Where is she?’ they suddenly heard being shouted behind them.

  They all turned to see Braindead dashing down the sand towards them, Logan clasped to his chest.

  ‘Did she sleep in one of your rooms?’ he demanded. ‘Did she?’

  Daniel glanced over at Katy and then pretended to study the sand.

  ‘We left her at the club,’ started Katy, realising immediately how terrible that sounded.

  ‘You did what?’ said Braindead.

  ‘She wanted to stay out and we’d had enough and two of the girls in the group said they would look after her. Said they’d bring her home. Promised they wouldn’t leave her on her own.’

  ‘You left her?’ he said in astonishment. ‘How could you do that?’

  ‘She wanted to stay,’ said Katy. ‘I couldn’t tell her to come back. I’m not her mother.’

  ‘Look, Braindead,’ said Daniel. ‘She was having a great time, there was no way we could have persuaded her to come home. We did try.’

  To Katy’s horror she watched as Braindead’s eyes flooded with tears.

  ‘But she didn’t come back, did she?’ he spluttered. ‘I woke up with Logan at two a.m. and just thought she’d gone for a late one, but she still hadn’t come back this morning. And Logan’s not even had his breakfast yet. What do I do, look for my wife or feed my son?’

  ‘Have you tried phoning her?’ asked Ben.

  ‘Of course. I had a message from her just before midnight. But I think she butt-called me. It was just loud music, no talking. I tried calling her as soon as I woke up but there was no answer. I don’t know if her phone is dead or something.’

  ‘Give Logan to me,’ said Ben, standing up and taking Logan from him. ‘I’ll take this one for breakfast and you and Katy and Daniel track Abby down. Can you keep digging next to Mummy, Millie?’ he asked his daughter. ‘I’ll come back soon to help you build the wall.’

  Millie didn’t answer, just kept digging.

  ‘You can call someone from the hen party, can’t you?’ Ben said, turning to Katy.

  ‘Yes, of course,’ she replied. This was her worst nightmare. Well, second worst. Mislaying one of the children of course was her worst nightmare but her husband’s best mate’s wife was not far behind.

  ‘Good,’ said Ben, in a pull-yourself-together type of tone. ‘So you fancy some pancakes, buddy?’ he said to Logan.

  ‘Yes,’ Logan cried in delight as they disappeared off back to the hotel.

  ‘I’m ringing Ruth now,’ said Daniel. Katy looked over to see his phone pressed to his ear.

  ‘You have Ruth’s number?’ Katy asked in surprise.

  ‘She insisted,’ he replied. ‘She programmed it in herself on the plane.’

  ‘Is she picking up?’ asked Braindead urgently, almost grab
bing the phone off him.

  ‘It’s just rang out,’ replied Daniel.

  ‘Try again,’ urged Katy. ‘She might just be ignoring you.’

  He tapped the relevant buttons again.

  They all waited with bated breath.

  ‘She’s not answering,’ he said. ‘And I need to change Silvie’s nappy.’

  ‘Can we go in the sea?’ said Millie. ‘I need to get some more shells.’

  ‘No hitting, Millie,’ whinged Jack. ‘Stop, Millie.’

  ‘Call her again,’ demanded Braindead, putting his hands on his hips.

  ‘Will you change Silvie’s nappy then?’ Daniel asked Braindead.

  ‘Can we see if my wife is still alive before wiping poo off your daughter’s arse?’ said Braindead, clearly beginning to get angry.

  ‘Don’t use that expression in relation to my daughter,’ said Daniel.

  ‘What, poo?’ said Braindead.

  ‘No, arse,’ said Daniel.

  ‘What’s wrong with arse?’ demanded Braindead.

  ‘She’s a baby,’ said Daniel. ‘She’s Silvie. She does not have, and will never have, an arse.’

  ‘Boys!’ said Katy. ‘This isn’t getting us anywhere.’

  ‘Can we go in the sea, Mummy?’ asked Millie again. ‘And I didn’t hit Jack again before he says. I just held his arm. He doesn’t know the difference yet because he’s only a toddler.’

  ‘Just ring the number again,’ demanded Braindead.

  ‘Millie!’ said Katy, shouting at her daughter. ‘Do not hit Jack. Why are you hitting Jack?’

  ‘Millie stop,’ said Jack. ‘Stop.’

  ‘Owww!’ shouted Millie.

  ‘Do not hit her back,’ said Katy to Jack.

  ‘She hit me,’ squealed Jack.

  Millie started crying real tears. Drops flooding down her cheeks. ‘He hit me,’ she sobbed. ‘Really hard. You saw him, didn’t you, Mummy? You saw him hit me.’

  ‘Is she picking up?’ Braindead asked Daniel, the phone now pressed back against his ear.

  ‘If she had picked up, do you not think I would have told you?’ grimaced Daniel. ‘Do you think I would be just ignoring her as she’s gabbing away to me on the phone whilst I pretend she hasn’t answered? Is that what you think?’ He pulled the phone away from his ear again and shrugged. ‘She’s not picking up,’ he announced.

  ‘Then do something!’ declared Braindead, running his hands through his hair.

  ‘What exactly do you want us to do?’ asked Daniel.

  ‘Find her,’ he demanded. ‘You lost her,’ he added accusingly. ‘You need to find her.’

  ‘We didn’t lose her, Braindead,’ said Daniel. ‘She just didn’t want to come home with us. We couldn’t make her. We’re not her parents.’

  ‘But you promised you’d look after her,’ protested Braindead.

  ‘But what were we supposed to do?’ asked Katy. ‘We made sure she wasn’t going to come back alone. Rachel and Fi promised they would stay with her. She must have gone back to their hotel with them. She must have, mustn’t she?’ she said to Daniel.

  ‘Of course she has,’ said Daniel, picking up Silvie. He slung the nappy bag over his shoulder. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some real shit to deal with…’

  ‘I’m sorry, Braindead,’ said Katy as Daniel walked off. ‘We really did try to get her to come back with us.’

  ‘I know,’ said Braindead, sitting down on Daniel’s lounger with a thump. ‘I… I… just… just don’t know what to do, Katy.’

  Katy wanted to get up and throw her arms around Braindead and would have done if not for the fact that Jack was currently bashing her with a spade and Millie had scrambled onto her lap and was about to hit Jack over the head with a bucket.

  ‘Stop that, Jack,’ she said, pushing him away. ‘And don’t you dare put that bucket over your brother’s head,’ she said to her daughter. ‘Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?’

  ‘Abby!’ she suddenly heard Braindead shout.

  Katy looked up to see a dishevelled-looking Abby stumbling down the beach towards them. She had on the same dress as she was wearing when she went out the night before, her shoes were dangling from one hand and her phone was clasped in the other. Her face was slightly red raw as though she had washed it with soap and water, and tinges of mascara clung desperately around her eyes. Her expression was blank. Katy searched Abby’s face for signs of contrition but there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

  ‘Thank goodness you’re back. I was worried,’ said Braindead. ‘Why didn’t you answer your phone?’

  ‘Ran out of battery,’ she stated, falling down onto a lounger. ‘Sometime last night. Probably about three o’clock. Fi didn’t have a charger.’ She leaned back on the lounger and closed her eyes, as though explanations were done with. That was all she had to say.

  ‘But what about Logan?’ Braindead blurted out.

  Katy wanted to get up and leave. This was a private conversation but the chances of her getting away discreetly were zero with two children in tow.

  ‘What about Logan?’ asked Abby. ‘He’s fine, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes, but…’ said Braindead. ‘I was worried.’

  Abby didn’t reply, just turned onto her side and tucked her hands under her cheek as though settling down to sleep.

  Braindead glanced over to Katy, who looked away quickly. She didn’t need to be involved in this.

  There was a long silence.

  ‘Thought we might hire one of those paddle boats later,’ he said eventually. ‘Take this little chappie out on one. What about it? You, me and Logan out on the open seas together.’

  Abby opened one eye to look at Braindead, considered him for a moment and then sat up.

  ‘I need sleep,’ she said, going pale as she said it. ‘I’m going back to the room.’ She got up and grabbed her shoes.

  ‘Okay, but what about ice cream later then?’ said Braindead, as she turned to go. ‘I think Logan’s got his eye on trying a Magnum.’

  ‘Sure,’ Abby nodded. She looked sad and opened her mouth to say something but changed her mind. She turned to walk away.

  * * *

  It was three o’clock by the time Abby reappeared. All the make-up was gone and she was dressed down in cotton shorts and a T-shirt. She looked drained; she looked worn down, in fact. She gave Braindead a weak smile as she approached him on the beach.

  ‘You ready for an ice cream then?’ she said.

  ‘Yeah, course, cool. We’ve held off having one, haven’t we, Logan, so we could wait for Mummy. Do you want to hang out here with Logan whilst I go and fetch them? What do you fancy?’

  ‘Er, you choose,’ she said.

  ‘Great,’ said Braindead. ‘I’ll get you a surprise then. Back in a tick.’

  Braindead bounded off in the direction of the hut located towards the back of the beach, relieved that they were finally managing to do something together as a family. He had vivid memories of his childhood holidays with his mum and dad where his dad would make him wait all day until they were allowed an ice cream on Cleethorpes Beach. He and his sister would beg to be allowed one earlier but his parents never gave in. He wasn’t going to be like that with Logan – if he wanted an ice cream, he could have an ice cream.

  The queue was quite long and Braindead kept looking back nervously. Abby was now digging in the sand with Logan. For some reason it made him feel quite emotional. Tears sprang to his eyes as he watched his wife playing with his son on the sand. His wife and his son. He could barely believe it. It also made him think of his mother who had died when he was fifteen. He tried to bring back memories of playing in the sand but he couldn’t. Maybe they never did. He wished they had so he could remember it now.

  ‘Here you go,’ he said, handing a Solero over to Abby and sitting down on the floor so he could unwrap Logan’s Magnum for him. ‘Now are you ready for this, young man?’ he said to his son. ‘This is a big moment for me and your mum. See you have
your first Magnum. Isn’t that right, Abby?’

  Abby merely raised her eyebrows and sank her teeth into her ice cream.

  ‘So I’m going to hand it over and then you need to wait just a moment whilst I get my phone out so I can take a picture, you got that?’

  Logan nodded solemnly as Braindead handed the ice cream over to him.

  Braindead looked away to rummage in his bag and dig out his phone, turning back when he had found it and clicking on the camera app.

  ‘What did you let him do that for!’ he gasped when he saw that Logan had already dropped his ice cream. It was already covered in sand and looked like a sinking ship.

  ‘What?’ said Abby, who had been busy gazing out to sea.

  ‘He dropped it,’ he said, grasping for it and attempting to brush the sand off.

  ‘I’m sorry, I… I… wasn’t watching,’ said Abby.

  ‘I’ll have to go and buy him another one now,’ said Braindead.

  ‘He can have mine,’ said Abby. ‘No big deal.’

  ‘But it’s not a Magnum!’

  ‘So?’

  ‘I wanted a picture of him trying his first Magnum.’

  ‘Well, it looks like he’s quite happy with my Solero.’

  ‘But it’s not a Magnum, is it?’

  ‘Does it matter?’

  ‘Yes, it does.’

  ‘Fine, go and buy him another Magnum then,’ huffed Abby.

  ‘Why are you so mad at me?’ exclaimed Braindead.

  ‘Because it’s ridiculous. He’s got no idea what a Magnum is so it really doesn’t matter.’

  ‘All I’m doing is trying to create some happy holiday memories,’ declared Braindead. ‘You know, stuff he might remember. Stuff I remember, like eating ice cream with my mum and dad on the pier at three o’clock on the dot every day and my dad saying, “Well, that was worth waiting for, wasn’t it?”’

  Abby stared back at him.

  ‘All I remember about our family holidays,’ she said, ‘is being left in a crappy hotel bedroom every night to babysit my brother whilst Mum and Dad went out.’