No-one Ever Has Sex on Holiday: A totally hilarious summer read

by Bloom, Tracy

  Katy thought her heart would break for him. Abby was already stretched out on a towel applying suntan lotion. Ignoring the distress of her husband.

  ‘Yes!’ said Katy enthusiastically, leaping up. Anything to get her out of the conversation she was currently in with her daughter. ‘Why don’t we have a competition? See who can build the best sandcastle.’

  ‘I will win,’ said Gabriel. ‘I am an architect after all.’

  ‘Bollocks,’ said Ben, also getting up. ‘I won a sandcastle-building competition at Butlin’s when I was seven. I have form.’

  ‘I shall direct,’ announced Daniel, holding Silvie. ‘Who wants me to be the creative director on their team? I am award-winning.’

  ‘Me,’ said Braindead straight away. ‘You can tell me and Logan what to do, can’t he, buddy?’

  ‘Yes,’ nodded Logan. ‘I’ll dig and dig and dig and dig and dig and dig.’

  ‘Okay, buddy,’ said Braindead. ‘Abby, are you coming on our team?’

  ‘No, I’ll sit this out,’ she said, getting her phone out and starting to scroll through as she placed her sunglasses on her head.

  ‘You sure?’

  ‘Yep,’ she nodded.

  And so the morning was somewhat redeemed as they dug. The sand proved to be excellent and made fantastic sculptures once water was added. Katy looked up at one point to see Daniel happily making pillars of sand to adorn the sandcastles that Braindead and Logan had constructed. Millie had joined Gabriel’s team and they were talking gently to each other, debating and agreeing where each castle should go and which shells should adorn them. Ben was having the time of his life digging as deep as he could go with Jack at his side, caked in sand, as Katy built castles behind them, enjoying the mind-numbing productivity of the task. Only Abby remained alone, unconvinced that the activity was worthwhile or enjoyable. The rest of the adults sat with their backs to their neighbours trying to ignore any signs of their enjoyment.

  * * *

  They were all in a dramatically better mood when lunch was called. At twelve thirty they wandered up to a wide concrete terrace where picnic tables had appeared. They had been billed as being laden with ‘All-you-can-eat traditional meats cooked on an open fire accompanied by a vast array of salads and side dishes.’

  There was a mound of what looked like charcoal but which must have been the traditional meats, along with some anaemic-looking frankfurters for the kids, a couple of green salads and a dubious-looking mound of pasta.

  Acceptance set in that this was the level of the ‘superior and exclusive beach barbeque’ as they collected their plates and sighed and picked their way into the charcoal to actually try and find some meat, then trudged over to sit at the benches under the trees nearby.

  ‘I might go vegetarian,’ said Ben, picking at his unidentifiable food.

  ‘Seriously?’ asked Katy.

  ‘For this meal,’ he replied.

  ‘You should have done what I did and had a kids’ hotdog,’ she said. ‘Not bad at all. You can’t go wrong with hotdog, can you?’

  ‘You are a genius,’ said Ben, leaping up. ‘I knew there was reason why I married you.’

  ‘Bring as many as you can carry,’ she shouted after him.

  ‘You enjoy?’ said the tour rep coming round as the half-full plates began to be taken away. ‘You must be full, yes?’

  Daniel looked at Gabriel. The tension was back. He was bursting to complain but couldn’t bear to behave in the way that Gabriel had predicted.

  ‘It’s been delightful,’ said Daniel to the tour rep. He was rewarded with a warm smile from her and a smirk from Gabriel.

  Then Gabriel addressed the woman and soon her warm smile began to fade. His words came out swiftly and quietly in his lilting Spanish. Every so often he shrugged and cast his hands around him and every time she tried to respond he held his hand up to silence her. When he finally came to the end he fell silent and she also fell silent, her mouth open.

  ‘Now,’ he suddenly barked. She scurried off, calling the waiters to her as she went.

  ‘What did you say?’ asked Katy in awe.

  ‘I spoke the truth,’ he replied grimly.

  ‘About what?’

  ‘About this.’ Again he cast his hand around. He looked deadly serious. A look that few of them had seen before.

  ‘I told her that I was ashamed that this is what my country considers to be a special meal and a special beach. That it upset me that they had let me down so. And that you are not full, the food is just foul.’

  ‘I have never fancied you more,’ announced Daniel, touching his arm.

  ‘Me neither,’ muttered Katy.

  Suddenly the tour guide reappeared, placing two bottles of wine and some glasses on the table in front of them, before scurrying off again.

  ‘I fancy you as well now,’ said Ben, leaning forward to pour the wine.

  The next minute the waiters produced ice creams for all the children along with packets of crisps and more hotdogs for the grown-ups.

  Gabriel shouted the tour rep over once more.

  ‘For everyone,’ he said, indicating the rest of the guests gaping at them and their now laden table.

  A look of horror flashed over the woman’s face before she scurried off. Before long each table was furnished with wine and snacks and ice cream to compensate for the woeful offering so far.

  * * *

  And then the sun came out and the clouds drifted away and out came the lunch entertainment just as they were half way down their second bottle of wine. A lone guitarist sauntered up and sat down under an olive tree. He raised the instrument to his knee and struck a chord before the most marvellous music tumbled forth. It really was quite breathtaking and, for the first time that day, it exceeded all of their expectations. They sat in awe as he strummed his way through some magical bars until Millie went up to her mother and whispered in her ear: ‘I want to dance, Mummy.’

  ‘Off you go then,’ she replied.

  ‘Come with me.’

  Katy hadn’t had nearly enough wine to dance in the middle of the day to a lone guitarist in front of a bunch of strangers.

  ‘Ask your dad,’ she whispered.

  Millie trundled round to the other side of the table and whispered in Ben’s ear. Katy watched as he looked over at her, horrified. He shook his head at Millie.

  ‘Please,’ Katy heard her whine. ‘Please, Daddy.’

  He shook his head again.

  He whispered in her ear and Katy watched as Millie glanced at her mum and then shook her head at her dad, no doubt explaining that she had also refused.

  ‘Senorita,’ said Gabriel, holding his hand out to his sandcastle-building partner. ‘Would you dance with me?’

  Millie jumped up and down excitedly and ran into his arms. He held her up and proceeded to waltz around in front of the guitarist, much to Millie’s delight.

  ‘How come you get to marry the Dad of the Century?’ Katy asked Daniel. ‘It’s not like you deserve him or anything.’

  ‘I must have generated some seriously good karma, mustn’t I?’ said Daniel, stroking Silvie’s head. ‘And to be honest, I don’t think I deserve him either. He is rather perfect, isn’t he?’

  ‘Come up,’ Gabriel declared to Braindead and Abby. ‘You must join us. It would be rude not to.’

  ‘I need to watch Logan,’ said Braindead, shaking his head.

  ‘I can watch him,’ offered Katy. He was sitting at their feet, still digging.

  ‘No,’ said Braindead. ‘No, it’s fine.’

  ‘Come on,’ urged Abby. ‘Don’t be such an old fuddy-duddy. Come and dance with me?’

  ‘No,’ said Braindead, shaking his head vigorously. ‘I need to watch Logan.’

  ‘But Katy can watch him,’ protested Abby. ‘She just said. Come on, just for a minute. Come and dance with me.’

  Braindead stood firm. ‘I’m happier playing with our son,’ he said.

  Abby paused for a moment, looking at
him.

  ‘I can see that,’ she said sharply. ‘Maybe it would be nice if for once you decided you wanted to play with me instead.’

  She turned her back and moved towards Gabriel and Millie. She began to throw some flamboyant flamenco-style moves. It wasn’t long before she was joined by some of the other holidaymakers as well as attracting some admiring glances from the men who lined the makeshift dance floor, sipping on their wine.

  ‘Go and dance with Abby,’ Katy urged Braindead.

  ‘She’s fine,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘We’re all right here, aren’t we, buddy,’ he said, smiling down at his son and ignoring the attention that Abby was gathering.

  * * *

  In the end, they were all quite disappointed to be told that it was time to leave. The guitarist had played for a good hour and Gabriel had ensured that the wine had kept flowing, which had led to a most unlikely enjoyable lunch. They all trooped back up to the car park feeling more contented than expected.

  ‘Oh brilliant!’ Abby shrieked as they began to climb aboard the coach. She was staring at her phone in a state of utter excitement. ‘We can go!’ she said, a broad smile spreading over her face.

  ‘Go where?’ asked Braindead.

  ‘Rachel just texted to say that they’ve managed to get us tickets to join them on the party boat tonight,’ she said. ‘They said it was sold out but they got Ruth on it and she’s managed to wangle it. We can go!’

  ‘A party boat?’ questioned Braindead.

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, looking down at her phone again.

  ‘I thought we were all going to go to that steak restaurant tonight,’ he said.

  ‘Well, you can still go,’ she said to them. She looked up and finally noticed the crestfallen look on her husband’s face.

  ‘I’ll stay in tomorrow night,’ she gasped. ‘You go out with Ben again tomorrow. Do whatever you like.’

  Braindead said nothing, his mouth hanging open.

  ‘Ruth has jumped through hoops to get us these tickets,’ said Abby. ‘Rather than sitting by the pool all day apparently she’s been on the phone trying to get it sorted. We can’t let her down now and anyway it’s part of Cassie’s hen do. We have to go.’

  ‘Cassie who you met just a few days ago,’ said Braindead. ‘Who you will probably never see again in your life after this week.’

  ‘Oh, we are invited to the wedding. For sure. She just has to check when she gets back if they can get us into the reception but we are going. She really wants us there. Fi said so. So you see, I can’t not go tonight, not when she has invited us to her wedding.’

  No-one was looking at Abby and Braindead. The others all busied themselves with nappy bags or pretended to struggle with getting small children to sit down.

  ‘But we’ve hardly spent any time together,’ said Braindead. ‘This holiday was supposed to be about the three of us. About enjoying our first proper holiday with Logan and we’ve hardly seen you.’

  There was a pause.

  ‘But what about me?’ Abby eventually said. ‘It’s always about the three of us. Always. All the time! What about me?’ There was a hint of defiance in her voice.

  ‘You can have fun with me and Logan,’ said Braindead. ‘We can all have fun together?’

  Silence again.

  ‘You don’t understand,’ she said. ‘You’re not me. I’m going tonight whether you like it or not.’

  Chapter Eighteen

  No-one said much on the bus home. No-one knew what to say. Even the tour rep was quiet, no doubt thinking about how she was going to explain the bottles of wine and the snacks that had been given away on the trip.

  Seeing her sitting at the front of the bus looking dejected, Gabriel got up from his seat and sat down next to her, talking gently in Spanish. Eventually she hugged him and he rejoined the group.

  ‘What did you say to her?’ asked Daniel. ‘Have you told her to apologise to me?’

  ‘No,’ said Gabriel, shaking his head. ‘I asked for her boss’s email address and promised that I will write to him to explain why he won’t be making a profit on today’s trip and that the fault does not lie with her. I will also tell him that I will spread the word about his company in the big bad world of British social media unless he stops ripping tourists off. And I shall be sending my father to check on him in a month to make sure.’

  He settled back in his seat looking grim, before thanking Braindead for organising the day and saying that he hoped that it had not been too spoiled by his fellow countrymen.

  ‘You saved the day, mate,’ mumbled Braindead.

  ‘No, you did,’ said Gabriel, putting his hand on his shoulder. ‘My memory of the beautiful creation I made with Millie in the sand this morning will be treasured forever. That would not have happened without you.’

  ‘At least it’s our turn for the honeymoon suite,’ Katy whispered to Ben on the seat behind them.

  ‘Great,’ he replied, his eyes lighting up. ‘We’ll get back and move our stuff straight away shall we?’

  ‘Good idea,’ replied Katy. She reached into her bag for her phone, having heard it ping. She should have ignored it. In fact she should have left her phone at home. What could possibly be so important that she had to answer it now?

  Hi – it’s Cassie. I hear Abby is coming tonight. Please will you come too. We have two more tickets – please. X

  ‘Who’s that?’ asked Ben.

  Katy let out a big sigh. ‘It’s Cassie,’ she said. ‘The bride-to-be. She wants me to go on the party boat tonight too.’

  ‘No,’ said Ben immediately. ‘No way! Daniel and Gabriel are all poised to babysit. We have a night planned. Like, a proper holiday night. Like a night that normal people have on holiday.’

  ‘You mean food, drink and sex?’ muttered Katy.

  ‘That’s exactly what I mean. You can’t back out of that now.’

  Katy read the text again. ‘She sounds like she really wants me to go,’ she said. ‘I’m a bit worried about her, actually. When we went out last time, she kind of said she didn’t really want to get married. She’s got cold feet. Actually she’s got frozen feet.’

  ‘So?’ said Ben, getting agitated. ‘Why is that your problem? Where are all the other hens whilst she’s having this crisis?’

  ‘Just happy to be getting pissed on a hen do,’ replied Katy. ‘I get the impression that the future happiness of the bride-to-be is kind of irrelevant.’

  ‘Brutal!’ exclaimed Ben.

  ‘Maybe,’ pondered Katy.

  ‘Christ, it’s hard being a girl, isn’t it?’ said Ben.

  ‘Do you know what, it is,’ agreed Katy.

  ‘Please come out with me tonight,’ he said, giving her his best puppy-dog eyes.

  She laughed and put her phone back in her bag. Text unanswered. ‘There is no place I’d rather be,’ she said.

  * * *

  Katy couldn’t help but run around the honeymoon suite in a state of joy once they had transferred all of their stuff.

  ‘Where shall we go tonight then?’ she asked Ben, coming to an abrupt halt and giving him a peck on the cheek.

  ‘Well, Daniel and Gabriel say they can cope for maybe three hours so why don’t we nip out for a quick one – as in meal, at the place on the corner that you have been lusting over – and then come back here for a quick one. If you see what I mean.’

  ‘You are so naughty,’ she giggled. ‘But it sounds like a cunning plan if ever I heard one. We can’t waste all this, can we? I mean, it is the honeymoon suite after all.’

  ‘Absolutely!’ declared Ben. ‘Someone has to have sex in it. I mean, it’s probably mandatory and obviously Ollie didn’t manage it and Daniel and Gabriel were thwarted so it is our absolute duty.’

  ‘To Queen and Country,’ said Katy.

  ‘To Queen and Country,’ agreed Ben.

  They both crashed onto the bed, thinking they might just have time for a quick nap whilst the kids watched the telly, when there came a rap
at the door.

  ‘Do you think we get complimentary room service up here?’ said Katy excitedly.

  Unfortunately when she answered the door it was a forlorn-looking Braindead standing there rather than a waiter with a trolley of goodies.

  ‘Come in,’ she said. ‘Kids are just watching the TV and we were just planning our night out.’

  ‘Will you go with Abby?’ Braindead asked before she could say anything else. ‘Hi Ben,’ he muttered.

  ‘Hello mate, what can we do for you?’

  ‘I came to ask if Katy would go with Abby on this party cruise thing.’

  ‘Aw, come on, mate,’ said Ben. ‘We were just planning our night out, you know, without the kids and with access to the honeymoon suite.’

  Braindead blinked back at him.

  ‘I’m worried about her on her own. She’s not herself,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘She needs someone to keep an eye on her.’

  Katy sat down hard on the bed.

  ‘She’s a grown woman,’ said Ben.

  ‘I know,’ said Braindead. He looked up, his eyes all watery. ‘But she doesn’t seem to be thinking straight. I just want someone there to keep her safe, that’s all.’

  Braindead looked on the brink of collapse.

  Katy looked at Ben. He shrugged, resigned.

  ‘I’ll go,’ said Katy. ‘But I can’t promise that I will be able to bring her home or anything like that. All I can do is be a…’

  ‘A presence,’ said Braindead.

  ‘Precisely,’ agreed Katy. ‘That’s all I can do.’

  ‘Do you think Daniel will go again too?’ asked Braindead. ‘To keep you company?’

  ‘No way,’ replied Katy. ‘He said he’s not touching a hen party for the rest of his life.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Braindead, looking sad. ‘I’m so sorry. You’re really not going to enjoy it, are you?’

  ‘I know who should go with you,’ interjected Ben.