by Melissa Haag
He lifted me out of the pool and joined me. I didn’t read his intent quickly enough to take cover before he shook his head and sprayed me with more water. When he offered to wring out my shirt for me, I was much faster to ward him off.
“Behave, Fenris.”
He laughed. “That’s an unlikely way to have fun. Come on, chipmunk. We’re only putting off the inevitable. I want you in the car where it’s warm as soon as possible.”
I was up in his arms before I could protest. He moved quickly through the tunnels and emerged into the freezing mist. A shiver stole through me, but the cold didn’t feel as bad as I thought it would. My hair froze almost instantly, but it took a few minutes for my legs to get numb. When they did, my hunger stirred.
Turning my head toward Fenris’s bare chest, I breathed in his scent and fed again. He stumbled.
“Should I stop?” I asked, my lips brushing his warm skin.
“Only if you want to.”
“I don’t want to end up in the snow. I thought you were supposed to be agile.”
He chuckled.
“I am. You just surprised me. I kinda liked the sneak attack, though. It’s fun.”
I grinned and inhaled more, marveling at how feeding kept the cold away like Mom said it would. When we reached the car, nothing was cold, but my hair was still solid. Rather than going to the passenger door, Fenris delivered me to the driver’s seat.
“Text me as soon as you’re done talking to your parents. I want to have dinner together. Close your eyes.” He dipped in before I could answer and licked my nose.
I squeaked at the sound of his zipper and squeezed my eyes shut, even as I strained to hear him disrobe. However, after a long moment of silence, I peeked and saw the space beside me empty. Smiling to myself, I closed the door and started the car. At the touch of my barefoot to the pedal, I realized I’d lost Mom’s slippers in the hot springs.
As I drove to my parents’ house, though, that worry disappeared, and a new one crept in. What was I supposed to tell them? Becoming mated to a werewolf was the human equivalent of being married. Dad would not be all right with that. I was far too young in his mind. And how would Mom react? While she would have no hang-ups regarding my age, she knew werewolves were possessive of their mates. She was already worried about my eating habits. Would she think this news was just me trying to find a way to avoid eating?
Nerves coiled tighter as I drove. My phone buzzed twice with new messages, and I was half tempted to pull over and read them just so I could forestall the inevitable. More than anything, I wished Oanen hadn’t taken Megan’s phone away. I really could have used some calming, friendly advice.
Too soon, I pulled into Mom and Dad’s driveway and set my head on the steering wheel. The emotional upheaval of the last few days was taking a toll on me to the point that I just wanted to go to the Quills’, close myself in my bedroom, and hide.
Hiding hadn’t worked out so well for me these last few days, though.
Taking a deep breath, I squared my shoulders and left the car with my bag. Dad opened the door, and his eyes widened at the sight of me.
“What happened?
“I lost the slippers. Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about the slippers. You’re soaking wet.” He ushered me into the house. “Go change. I’ll have something warm for you to drink when you’re done. Then you can tell us what happened to you.”
I gratefully closed myself into the guestroom and took that time to try to compose myself. However, I only reemerged warmer, not calmer.
Mom and Dad sat at the table. Mom saw me and patted the place beside her where a cup of cocoa already waited.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
I blew out an unsteady breath and wrapped my hands around the cup before me.
“I don’t know what I am right now. Confused. Scared. Hopeful, but so afraid to let myself feel that way.”
Neither of them said anything. They were truly listening, waiting for me to continue.
“I met with Fenris to figure out how to make things right like you said. We argued on the way to the hot springs. He was so frustrated with me that he threw me into the first pool.”
Mom’s eyes flashed black, and I put my hand over hers.
“I deserved it. I wasn’t nice. I angry-fed on him, and I didn’t just take his sexual energy. I tried to take everything.”
Mom sighed, giving me a pitying look.
“I know. It’s dangerous. But that’s why I was wet. He knew I was behaving badly and put me in a water time out.”
“What were you arguing about?” she asked.
I shrugged slightly and shook my head. “I don’t even remember. It really doesn’t matter. What does matter is what Fenris told me once I was in the pool. He remembers the day you left me with the Quills. Not in a vague way but in clear detail from the way I’d styled my hair to the dress I’d worn. He told me that he knew right away what I was to him but that he kept quiet when he saw how terrified I was. He thought he’d give me time to adjust to what it meant to be me, but I never really did. Not until Megan showed up.
“I really like Fenris, Mom. More than I’ve ever liked anyone else. And that was with me trying really hard not to like him. I can’t be his mate, right? I’m not meant to be with just one person. Isn’t that why everyone’s been throwing random people at me to feed from? To get me to crave as many partners as my appetite demands?”
“Is that what you want out of life?” Mom asked gently.
“No,” I admitted, feeling so much guilt.
“Do you know why I left you with your father?”
I shrugged, not wanting to share my thoughts on the matter.
“Tell me,” she encouraged. “I won’t be angry or hurt.”
I glanced at Dad, and he nodded his encouragement.
“I imagine because it would have been hard to have lots of sex with a crying baby clinging to you. Or a temperamental toddler.”
She leaned forward and held my cheeks, meeting my gaze.
“Leaving you was the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life. Leaving your father was the second hardest thing. I loved him. I loved him so much, I left a piece of myself in his care. I loved him so deeply that I walked away from a life with him when I realized he would never be happy sharing me. I wanted to spare him that pain. But in the end, I spared him nothing. I hurt you both in ways I can’t imagine but am trying to understand. And I did all of that because I thought there was no way I could ever have what I wanted.”
“What did you want?” I asked.
“Someone to love me. Me. The true me.”
“And I do,” Dad said.
The doubtful look I gave Mom brought a rueful smile to her lips.
“You still believe your father only loves me due to the pull, don’t you? But think back to all the times he’s defied me. A thrall doesn’t defy, Eliana. A thrall obeys completely. Your father has fought what I am since the beginning. Yet, he’s loved me, regardless.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“So you know it’s okay to want a life with just one person.”
I shook my head.
“You’re still feeding off of other people.”
“She has to,” Dad said.
Mom gave him a loving, yet sad, smile before continuing.
“Your father is human and would never survive satisfying my full hunger. But Fenris isn’t human, Eliana. He’s a werewolf, and a werewolf’s passion for his mate is endless.”
The possibility of what she was telling me robbed me of breath. I recognized that I was panicking and tried to identify why. I felt overwhelmed and confused. All of the rules were changing yet again when I’d almost come to terms with the idea that I’d need to start feeding from random people. Now, Mom was telling me I might be able to feed from a single person for the rest of my life. But not just any person. Fenris. My mate. Why did that churn my stomach and make me sick with fear?
I glanced f
rom my mom to my dad, and the moment my gaze locked with his, I pinpointed the reason. A shaky breath escaped me, and I acknowledged the truth. A deep-seated fear lingered that I would still eventually break Fenris, and not because of some thrall. What if Fenris wasn’t enough to keep me fed and I finally had to feed on someone else? What if Fenris wasn’t as okay with it as he wanted to be and went crazy with jealousy and grief as Dad had done?
A true understanding of why Mom had left us hit me hard. I would do anything to spare Fenris that level of anguish. Yet, I knew leaving Fenris now wouldn’t free him. He already felt far too deeply for me. His anguish these last few days proved that.
My heart ached as I realized the impossibility of my situation. Whether I committed to him or left him, Fenris would hurt.
Mom reached out and set her hand over mine.
“The last time you started worrying like this, Fenris was here and pulled you out of it. He’s good for you, Eliana. Whether you believe it or not. Go talk to him some more. See if he can calm your fears.”
I nodded and left after a round of hugs and promises to call them soon.
As the car warmed, I sent Fenris a message.
Me: I’m done at my parents' and heading to the Quills’. Join me for dinner in my room in 40?
Fenris: Front door or sneak in?
Me: Sneak in. I want to see how you’ve been managing it.
Fenris: And give away my trade secrets? I’m shocked you would even suggest it.
Fenris: Okay. I’ll show you my goods. Remember you asked for it.
Tossing my phone in my purse, I headed home. My thoughts swirled the whole way. Doubts, mostly. And every time I came up with a reason Fenris and I would never work, his voice would rise up, and the counter-reasons he’d spoken in the caves would drown out my thoughts. Fenris knew me far too well. But did I know him at all?
I had thought I did. Yet he’d hidden the fact that I was his mate from me for four years. What else might he be hiding? I recalled the conversation in the car and cringed away from the idea of asking him. I might not have known I was his mate, but I did know one thing. Fenris didn’t want to keep secrets from me. He only wanted to keep me from freaking out. He cared. A lot.
Lost in thought, I let myself into the house, opened the refrigerator, and started pulling out what I needed to make simple sandwiches. If the house was unusually quiet while I worked, I was glad for it. With four sandwiches stacked on a plate, I headed upstairs.
My stomach danced with nerves the minute I glanced at my bed. In the last few weeks, my room had acted as a veritable revolving door when it came to the opposite gender. Yet, before Piepen and Mom’s idea of breakfast in bed had made this space my hell, it had been my sanctuary.
Setting the plate on my nightstand, I sat so I could watch the window and worried what my room would become for me next.
“Why are you upset?”
I jumped at the sudden sound of Fenris’s voice by my door and tore my gaze from the window to look at him in surprise.
“I thought you were going to show me how you open the window.”
He grinned as he softly closed the door and crossed the room.
“Sorry, Conall’s still out there watching for me. I had to sneak in through another one.”
He sat on the bed next to me, and my nerves jumped higher.
“Why’s Conall still out there? Didn’t you talk to your dad?”
Fenris leaned toward me and inhaled deeply. A shiver of need stole through me and made me more nervous.
I grabbed the plate of sandwiches and handed it to him. “Here, I made you something to eat.”
Chapter Ten
“It’s never easy for me to tell if you’re deflecting on purpose or if it’s accidental. Our pact about unconditional honesty still stands, Eliana. Tell me what thoughts are tormenting that precious head of yours.”
“Only if I get my daily ‘Fenris-stop-pushing-me’ card back.”
He chuckled. “Agreed. Now talk, chipmunk.”
I sighed and set my head on his shoulder, very aware that I was seeking comfort from the person causing my discomfort.
“I’m scared. And before you ask ‘of what,’ it’s of everything. I feel like my life is spinning out of control. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and I don’t like it.” His arm snaked around my back, and he held me close.
“Feed, Eliana.”
I huffed an annoyed sigh.
“Why does everything need to be about eating?”
“You’re so used to ignoring your hunger that you don’t even realize when it’s affecting your thinking. And before you tell me that’s not what’s going on here, try eating and see if it makes your fear better or worse. Maybe I’m right, and you’ll feel better. Or maybe I’m wrong, and you’ll be able to rub my nose in it the next time I make a suggestion.”
I wrinkled my nose and tipped my head to look up at him.
“I already have plenty of examples. Your attempt to help me get rid of my mom went horribly.”
“Did it? Your mom’s presence in Uttira is what’s keeping Adira at bay.”
“Your advice to Piepen didn’t stop his infatuation with me.”
“Ah, if you’ll recall, my advice was to shackle him with a new woman. Mission accomplished.”
“And your advice not to run in the woods? Do you think that was good advice?” I asked, still trying to understand his motivation.
“For you? Absolutely. For me? It was torment. I can honestly say I’ve never wanted anything as badly as I want you to take a run through the trees with me. Until you’re ready, this is enough.”
He gently squeezed my side.
“Now, are you going to eat so I can dig into these sandwiches that I can smell you made for me?”
Before I could answer, he put his plate aside and tugged me onto his lap.
“Come on, chipmunk. Show me how it’s done.”
My hunger clawed at me, and I scrambled two healthy steps away from Fenris.
“That’s exactly what’s scaring me. I don't know what this”—I waved a hand between us—“means anymore.”
He tensed. “I don’t understand.”
“Feeding from you. I was so hurt and frustrated with you when you admitted you were keeping secrets, but now that I know?” I shook my head. “It makes sense why I fed so easily from you in my sleep. All the food and none of the guilt or worry. Can’t we go back to that?”
He studied me for a moment.
“We can, but you know feeding once a day isn’t enough, Eliana. Not anymore. I can feel your hunger, and you fed a few hours ago. Why don't you tell me why you don’t want to feed while you're awake? You know you can’t hurt me.”
I snorted.
“I know I can. But not the way I used to think.”
“I’m starting to wish we’d met at the hot springs.”
I almost laughed because I understood why. I was frustrating him. I could feel it boiling inside of him. Reaching out, I set my hand on his cheek. He leaned into it and breathed deeply.
“Stealing my frustration won’t stop me from feeling it again the minute you let go,” he said, turning so his mouth brushed the palm of my hand. Need ignited in my middle, and I took some of his sexual energy without meaning to.
He gently grabbed my wrist, holding me in place as his words tickled my skin.
“Please, Eliana. Eat. Then we’ll talk about why you think you’re going to hurt me.”
“I know where feeding is going to lead. I’m not ignorant of what being your mate means. You’ve already warned me that you’re running out of patience. That was one of your warnings that meant something else, right?”
He kissed my palm and released my hand.
“You’re running out of patience to claim me, right? You said that we’d take things slow, but slow won’t be an option for long if I keep feeding on you. And I also know that you’re not going to let me go hungry like I’ve been doing. You’re a pusher, Fenris. You're go
ing to push at my boundaries until we're mated because that's what my feedings are going to drive you to do.” I took a huge breath. “And that's why I'm freaking out. My life will never be my own.”
Fenris’s pain radiated from him, and his warm brown gaze begged for understanding.
“Eliana, I've waited four years. A few more weeks? Another month? Another year? It's not going to make a difference to me. I'll wait as long as you need.
“But while I’m waiting, I’m going to need you to continue doing those two things, as you promised. Don’t avoid me. I’ve waited so long just to be next to you without you taking off in the opposite direction. Now that I’ve had it, I can’t go back. Time without you makes it a lot harder to be patient for all the rest. Do you understand what I’m saying? I need to be with you, Eliana. And I’m going to continue to selfishly claim my two hugs a day.”
My heart did a crazy beat as my imagination painted the picture of us spending all day, every day, together. I loved Fenris time. And I loved his hugs. Everything he was saying made me itch to crawl onto his lap and cuddle. I couldn’t decide if that was a dangerous thing or not, though. My hunger twisted inside of me, demanding I give in to the urge.
“And the second thing?” I asked, needing to hear him say it again.
“I need you to eat. You’re not saving either of us by denying yourself. Just like you could feel my frustration, I can feel your hunger. And it tears me up knowing that you’re holding back because of me.”
The worry and anguish underlying his lust supported the truth of his statement.
“I thought the second thing was going to be ‘don't run,’” I teased.
He quirked a grin at me. “I’m done telling you not to run. Instead, I’ll be the one whispering in your ear. ‘Do it. Make me howl.’”
A shiver of need raced through me, and for the first time, I felt it echoed back at me from Fenris. He inhaled deeply, and a knowing boyish grin tugged at his lips.
“I can feel what you want. Are you going to give me my daily dose of affection, or am I going to have to come to you?” he asked. “Yep, I'm still the same needy wolf who demands hugs. If you want to throw some petting in, I'm okay with that too.”
