Love Me

by Cristin Cooper

  “Yeah. I think she’s done for the day.”

  “I’ll take care of it.” He placed an arm around my shoulder and kissed my forehead the way Ryan used to do.

  I need alcohol.

  Now.

  When he let go, I ran upstairs passing Claire’s bedroom. My dad, Danny sat on her bed and held her while Nate stared at Claire’s TV set to a random show. I worried about him, he still hadn’t cried or expressed his grief, at least not in front of any of the adults.

  Jakey, now asleep on the floor and cuddled in a blanket, still didn’t understanding why his dad would never come home. Anna had tried to explain it to him, but being a toddler, he didn’t get it. The last time he asked, she hugged him and let Dad take him from her while she ran to the bathroom to cry.

  My dad, the quiet, teddy bear comforted the kids the best way he knew how by holding them and by being a listening ear. He didn’t tell them everything would be all right. He just held them and loved them like he usually did.

  I gave Anna a warning knock before I walked in catching her lying on the bed in just her slip. She sat up and slid over so I could sit next to her. I poured two shots right away. Neither of us spoke until the third shot then I wouldn’t shut up.

  I told her about the time I found Ryan snooping in our backyard looking through her window to check on her after she had a fight with her boyfriend. I laughed along with Anna until her laughed changed to tears.

  “He loved you. I’ve always been jealous of that, not of Ryan of course but how deep his love for you and the kids ran. He would’ve done anything for you. I know because he would’ve done anything for me and at times he did.”

  Anna closed her eyes and asked, “Kimmie, how are we supposed to go on without him?” She fisted her hand and beat on her chest as she choked up. “How am I expected to go on without him? I keep picturing myself waking up from this nightmare and Ryan pulling me into his arms, holding me tight as I tell him about this horrible dream I had. He would say he’d never leave me because we still had to grow old and grouchy together and that hasn’t happened yet.” Anna wiped at her eyes and took a shuddered breath. “I want to wake up now.”

  Handing Anna another shot, I wavered on whether or not I should. She had never been drunk before, but my reasoning skills were skewed with the amount of alcohol in my system. Plus, she needed this. I needed this.

  While slurring her speech, she asked, “Did Craig leave already? I thought I saw him earlier.”

  It had been five days since Craig walked out on me and I still hadn’t told my family. He came by for a few minutes to give his condolences to Anna and the kids. I thought it sweet until Craig noticed me standing nearby and his body stiffened. Before he left, he patted my arm as if I were an acquaintance instead of his wife. When he turned to leave, I followed him to the door and glared at him as he got into a car with a blonde woman who couldn’t be over twenty-five. I caught her staring at me while biting her lip then she quickly turned away when Craig got into the car.

  I stood frozen on my sister’s front porch. Did He bring his girlfriend to my brother-in-law’s wake? What kind of person did that?

  I hadn’t realized Pete stood behind me until I turned and bumped into him. He looked at me then at the car as Craig and Abby drove away. He took my hand and drew me inside then pulled me into a hug. I didn’t mind him knowing. He wouldn’t say a word to the rest of the family unless I said he could, but still humiliating to have someone witness my husband leaving with another woman.

  Holding back my anger, I explained to Anna that Craig had already gone home but kept the fact he had a new one to myself.

  “I guess I can’t blame him,” Anna mumbled.

  “Yes, you can,” I said under my breath.

  “I’m tired.” She yawned and stretched her arms. I helped her stand and just as we pulled the covers down, Nate walked in. She turned to him and opened her drunken arms to him. He walked to her and let her hug him though he kept looking at her with questioning eyes. She slurred when she told him how much she loved him––always. Repeating it over and over again.

  “I love you too, Mom.” Nate looked to me for help. Unable able to stand without help, I patted the mattress, and he took the hint. Together, we got her tucked into bed. Once Nate made his escape, I wriggled out of my dress and rolled next to Anna, putting my arms around her.

  I woke up several hours later needing to use the restroom. When I climbed back into bed, I noticed Ryan’s wedding band lying next to Anna’s open hand. I took off the chain around my neck and slipped off the simple diamond pendant and replaced it with Ryan’s ring then slid the chain over Anna’s head.

  The next thing I knew the sound of someone vomiting woke me up. It couldn’t be mistaken for anything else. I followed the noise into Anna’s bathroom in time to see her heave into the toilet. The sight and smell made me gag, and I leaned over the sink and dry heaved.

  Anna called me all kinds of swear words, nothing I hadn’t said myself, but surprising to come out of her mouth. At any other time, I would’ve laughed at her and our situation. She would’ve too.

  The swearing stopped the second she heard a clinking sound from something hitting the side of the toilet. Anna looked down and grasped the ring I had placed on the chain then looked up at me and mouthed, “thank you” as her fist tightened around the chain. She wiped at her eyes and nose until her face turned green and she went back to throwing up.

  An hour later we came out of the bedroom showered, dressed and a little less hung over.

  After spending the day cleaning up Anna’s house, spending time with the kid and all the parents, and talking my assistant Tara off the cliff, I came to the conclusion it was time to get back to my life. I promised Tara I’d be back in the office the next day. And as much as I didn’t want to go home to an empty house, I hadn’t been home since Tim rescued me and I needed to check to see if Craig picked up his belongings.

  On the way home, I stopped at Tim’s to pick up my suitcase I had kept at his house this past week. As I walked up to his front door, I heard him and James yelling at each other. I debated turning around, but I needed my things and made myself knock. The yelling stopped the moment Tim swung the door open. He hugged me and pulled me inside and acted like everything was fine, but I could practically feel the tension in the room.

  James sat at the kitchen table not even acknowledging me. He had tolerated me on good days and avoided me every other time I came over. I guess the days of being cordial were over.

  “How was the wake?” He lifted a hand in the air and shook his head. “Wait… don’t answer that. How are you?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m… I don’t know what I am.” I wanted to talk to him and tell him everything, but he had enough issues to deal with at the moment. Like the man who glared at me from the moment I walked through the door. “I’m going to grab my things and head home. Thanks for letting me stay this week.” I kissed his cheek and walked into the guest room and threw my stuff into my suitcase. The moment the front door closed behind me, the yelling started up again.

  Minutes later, I parked in front of my house and tried to mentally prepare myself for what I might see. If Craig had picked up his things I would’ve been heartbroken, but if he hadn’t, I would’ve been pissed.

  7

  When I stepped through the front door, I glared at Craig’s stupid recliner still parked in the middle of the living room directly in front of the big screen TV. When I went to the bedroom, I found his clothes still in the closet and his high school trophies still lining his dresser. I swore under my breath and mumbled, “He had all week to pick up his things.”

  Once my breathing evened out I face planted on my bed with its missing comforter, then with all my energy rolled over and looked at the room with new eyes. I realized something. I hated my bedroom, everything from the paint color, the furniture, to the masculine flannel sheets. Well, not everything, I liked the TV. With my new awareness, I walked through the rest
of the house, to find I had spent the past few years turning my home into Craig’s. I bought things I had hoped would make Craig more comfortable. It obviously didn’t work, and now I lived alone in a house that no longer felt like mine.

  Determined to take my house back, I went back into my bedroom and yanked the pictures off the wall, including the ones of Craig and I at happier times and made a pile in the living room with discarded sheets, curtains, lamps and his stuff from his closet. I left the big screen TV he had talked me into buying, but the rest of his stuff had to go. No matter how hard I tried, nothing I did or bought had made him happy or made him love me.

  Why didn’t I want to make myself happy?

  I dug out my credit card I saved for emergencies and went shopping. I had forgotten how much fun it was to shop for myself especially when I only had to please me. Several hours later I pulled up to my house with my car packed with new bedding, accessories, paint and packing boxes.

  While still in the driveway, I called Tim to tell him what I had done. After reprimanding me for not inviting him along, he informed me he would have furniture delivered tonight. “I just designed a new bedroom set that would be perfect for you.” The way his voice rose with each word made me excited for the change. Having a designer friend was a curse and a blessing. When in creative mode, I wouldn’t see him for weeks but when he returned to the land of the living he brought prototypes of his furniture that he gave out to friends.

  After eating a hearty meal of microwave popcorn, Ritz crackers with spray cheese and wine, I went through the house and boxed all of Craig’s things, including everything I bought for him. When Tim’s delivery guys arrived, they replaced my bedroom furniture with the new pieces that were perfect––for me.

  Before they left, they offered to carry out Craig’s crap, including his recliner, to the curb. It had just begun to rain when I called and left a message for him to pick up his things before they got wet. For the first time in months, he called me back within minutes to let me know he was on his way. I felt a small amount of satisfaction watching his stuff get soaked.

  Fifteen minutes later, I heard grunting and swearing coming from my front yard. I stepped outside and watched as he ran back and forth between the pile of boxes and the back of his pickup, cursing the whole time. I almost felt sorry for him, but then I remembered his blonde pregnant girlfriend and the guilt magically disappeared.

  Just as he placed the last box in the back of the truck, the locksmith arrived.

  “Already changing the locks?” Craig had the nerve to ask. As if I wanted my marriage to end or for him to move out.

  “Already got your girlfriend pregnant?” I spit out.

  For a split second, he looked contrite. “Kim, I don’t want to fight.”

  Did he think I did? I wanted my husband back. “Me either,” I sighed. “I’m meeting with a divorce attorney tomorrow.”

  He nodded. “I don’t want anything.”

  “Since you didn’t bring anything into the marriage,” including love, I thought to myself. “It seems fitting.”

  He nodded again then turned to leave.

  The sad, pathetic, desperate part of me wanted to chase after him and beg him to stay. And that’s what I did because, apparently, that’s what I am, a sad, pathetic, desperate woman.

  Out front for all my neighbors to see, I followed him to his truck and begged him not to leave. Without the slightest expression, he repeated, “I’m sorry,” over and over while he walked away from me.

  I fell to the ground and groveled. I had no shame or maybe way too much. It no longer mattered. He knelt down in front of me and behind gritted teeth pleaded, “Kim, don’t do this. It’s been over for a long time. You’re just afraid to be alone.”

  The nerve!

  “I’m not afraid to be alone!” I screamed. “I’ve been alone for months. I love you, Craig!”

  He stood and turned away, hurrying to the driver side of his pickup. With pity in his eyes, he said, “I have to go, Kim but I promise you’ll see this is for the best.”

  Kneeling on my front lawn, my knees and hands squished in the muddy grass, I begged my cheater husband to stay with me.

  I’m pathetic!

  Humiliated by my behavior, I forced myself to stand. Just as I turned to walk towards the front door, I realized the elderly man changing my locks witnessed my outburst. He didn’t say a word, just focused his eyes on the door. I went inside, sat down in my now empty living room and stared at the fireplace until I heard the locksmith clear his throat.

  He faced me and handed me the bill but avoided making eye contact. Handing him cash I thanked him for coming so late in the evening. Before he turned to leave, he finally looked me in the eyes and said, “You deserve better than him.”

  Choked up by his words, I couldn’t respond.

  Once the door closed, I went back to my bedroom to admire my new furniture. An hour later someone knocked on my front door. Before I had the door all the way open, Tim walked past me toward the bedroom. “I need a key to your front door.”

  Following behind him, I watched as he admired his work. “I knew it would be perfect for you,” he said while going through each shopping bag. “Better. Much better.” He nodded his head at every item then turned to face me. “Paint?” I pointed to the buckets in the corner. “Mmm, a lovely buttery yellow. Perfect. Let’s get started.”

  He pulled off his tie and dress shirt and slipped out of his slacks until he stood in front of me in just his boxer briefs. “What?” He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t want to get paint on my clothes,” he said as I kept staring at him. A few minutes later I stood in front of him in just my bra and panties as he gave me instructions on taping around the doorframes and windows. After handing me the painter’s tape, he went to work on moving the furniture into the middle of the room.

  “You realize this will take forever, and we both need to work tomorrow?” I asked.

  He lifted a brow and asked, “Are you going to be sleeping?”

  “No.” At least not without a lot of alcohol.

  “Well, I’m the boss so I can go in late. Plus, I’m your number one now. I have to do stuff like this.”

  He looked at me with understanding while I tried not to cry.

  Just after five in the morning, we laid in the middle of my bed and admired our work. The paint alone transformed the room into a Kimmie sanctuary and it looked incredible. Too exhausted from being up all night, I kicked Tim off the bed then begged him to help me off. While he cleaned up the paint, I jumped in the shower and got ready for work. Once dressed and caffeinated, he kissed my cheek and told me he planned to stick around for a while.

  When I returned home nearly twelve hours later excited to finish what we had started, I found out Tim had finished the room without me. He must have stayed most of the day hanging curtains and pictures. When I noticed the ginormous pile of pillows on my bed, I realized he had done some shopping of his own. I hadn’t even thought about picking up decorative pillows. I loved the look, but Craig always complained about having to move them every time we went to bed.

  Since I already ate dinner at work, I got into my jammies and climbed into my beautiful, cozy bed in my lovely, cozy room. I clicked on the TV and opened the top drawer of my new nightstand to find a bag of jellybeans. Tim knew I liked to keep them next to my bed.

  Leaning back against the pile of pillows, I felt content for the first time in a long while. My heart still hurt but at the same time, I knew I would be okay...eventually.

  Not an hour later, Tim walked into my bedroom carrying a bag and a pillow and held them up. “Sleepover!” he said with false cheerfulness. I forced a smile while I lifted the blankets up for him to climb into bed next to me.

  We laid next to each other watching reality TV shows and commenting on everyone like we used to in our drama class. During a commercial I turned to him and asked, “So it’s over?” He nodded looking grim. I figured as much. I couldn’t be the only reason he want
ed to stay another night at my house. “It’ll never work between James and me. He likes it just being the two of us and I need more.” I understood completely. Tim and I both wanted kids. We just didn’t pick guys who wanted them with us. I wrapped my arms around him, and he snuggled against me.

  “We deserve better.” I reminded him.

  “One day...” he said.

  I hope.

  I woke to an empty bed. Tim, an early bird, most likely had already hit the gym and would be on his way back.

  After getting ready for work, I made my way down the hall, but when I reached the third bedroom, I stopped. I opened the door and leaned against the doorframe. It was as empty as the day I moved it.

  Tim came up behind me and peeked into the room then looked at me with questioning eyes. “I had planned to turn it into a nursery.” He gave me a sad smile. “I think it’s time to turn it into something else. Leaving it empty will only remind me that the chances of me having a child are slim.” Tim rubbed my back while I took one last look. I wanted to cry. Saying goodbye to a dream made my heart ache, but it was time to let it go.

  “Come by the showroom after work. I’ll meet you there, and we’ll see what you like. Maybe it can be an office. You always say how nice it would be to work from home some days. We can create a space so you can do that.”

  “I would love that.” I leaned into him and gave him a kiss on the cheek then made my way to the liquid happiness he had brewing.

  As I walked out the door, I yelled, “See you later, snookums.”

  He laughed and yelled back “Have a good day at work, sweet cheeks.”

  Once alone in the car, all the sadness settled on my chest. I braced my hands on the steering wheel, pinched my eyes closed to keep the tears from falling and whispered. “Don’t give up yet, Kimmie.”

  8

  I sat at the hotel bar unwinding from a long workday with a glass of wine. The hotel had two large events that evening, and though I could’ve gone home hours ago, I made excuses to stay. I had no desire to be alone in a quiet, empty house. Times like these, I would’ve gone to see Tim, but he dealt with his most recent breakup the same way I did, by working crazy hours until he dropped.