My True Essence

by Shawneda

  “Who do you need? Your mother or your aunt? Why aren’t God and I enough to make you not feel alone if she moves a few hours away? She’d just be a plane ride away? I love your mother and your aunt but I married you. Not them. What happened to leaving your parent and cleaving to your spouse? Did you hear anything that the counselor talked about or that the couple taught us in premarital counseling?” Colby let her hand go and sat on the end of their marble tile garden bathtub.

  “You weren’t involved with someone who made you their whole world and then turned on you Colby. I trust you and I know you’re not Antony but part of me is having a problem with treating anyone like family because of the abuse. That is why I don’t have a lot of girlfriends. Please give me some time with this. I love you. Please just don’t push me too hard or fast on this. I’m really trying.” Rebecca opened the door to the shower stall and turned on the water.

  “I’m trying Rebecca but it’s hard for me to be there for you when you continue to push me away.” Colby watched his wife pull her hair up and pile it into a big wavy mass on top of her head. “I’ll talk to you more once you get into bed. Enjoy your shower.”

  Rebecca turned and let her robe fall open as she hugged Colby. The steam from the shower made the air in the small space warm and thick. “Why don’t we enjoy it together?”

  “It is better for the environment. You know me always willing to do what I can to help Mother Earth.” Colby grinned as Rebecca let her robe drop to the floor and climbed into the shower. “I’ll be in there in a moment, Mrs. Thorn.”

  Rebecca smiled as she closed the glass door to the two person marble shower. Colby smiled as he left to place his clothes in the walk–in closet. Glad the argument was over; he paused as he thought about Rebecca in the shower. His excitement dwindled just a bit as he remembered this was the way their last serious discussion ended. He hoped his wife was not trying to use their physical relationship to avoid the problems he felt brewing beneath surface. The thought left his mind at the sight of his bride’s cute index finger motioning for him to join her.

  Calmed after their shower Rebecca and Colby exited the bathroom drenched in sweat. Colby wrapped his towel around his waist and watched Rebecca pull her matching pajama set out of her lingerie drawer. His mind played their conversation about her mom and aunt going to Dominican Republic over and over. His lips parted to tell her something when her smartphone rang. Instead of leaving it on the table after checking the number, she picked it up and pressed the talk button.

  “Hi, mami. How are you?” Rebecca paused as she sat on the edge of her side of the bed. “Are you sure? Oh great mami that is perfect. I have some really exciting news for you. You and Teva are going to be so excited. I can’t wait until you get here. “

  Colby’s eyes almost fell out of his head they opened so wide.

  “I don’t think that is necessary, mami. You’re family. You should stay here.” Rebecca paused and gave Colby a ‘honey I love you’ wink and smile.

  Colby shook his head and climbed into the bed under the sheet only.

  “Yes, call me with the details tomorrow. I’m so glad you’re coming. I wanted to see you. You’re going to like it so much you’re going to want to stay. We should just ship your things now and start house hunting for you. Real estate here is really a buyer’s market, mami.” Rebecca turned her back to Colby and sat on the bed.

  Colby stood and went to her side of the bed and made the universal sign for up.

  Rebecca nodded at Colby and held up her right index finger. “No I don’t think that is enough time, Mami. Maybe a one way ticket will be less expensive. ..alright. I’ll pay if you need to change it…love you too. “

  “Rebecca what just happened? When did you invite them to come and stay forever? Have we discussed that already?” Colby pulled himself into sitting position in the bed.

  “In the car you told me to have them come here. What happened to you giving me some time with this? I thought we agreed on that in the bathroom. Now you’re upset again. This doesn’t make any sense.” Rebecca pulled on the camisole and boy shorts.

  “We did not talk about anything in the car. What we did was yell at each other. Don’t tell me you’re really thinking this is gonna help us spend time with each other.” Colby crossed his arms and leaned back into the headboard.

  “It will, all four of us. They’ll be staying here with us. It is gonna be the best of all worlds. Trust me, Colby.” Rebecca climbed into the bed and planted a slow peck on his lips. “I just want to spend some time with them before they leave and convince my mom to stay in the area once Teva goes home to be with the Lord.”

  “Yeah, right. How much time do we have before they arrive?” Colby pulled the small accessory from her hair and watched it spill down her shoulders and back.

  Rebecca leaned forward and then laid her head on his chest as she made circles on his bicep. “All night. They land in the morning.” She looked up and offered her puckered lips to Colby to kiss.

  Colby shook his arm and slid Rebecca off his chest before he slid back down in the bed and turned his back to her. “Good night, Rebecca.”

  ***

  Dani sat in Dr. Thompson’s office and listened to the large art deco clock tick. It was one of those modern classic pieces that she knew ran on electricity but sounded like those big grandfather clocks in rich people’s houses on TV that they would wind up. In the past the sound would have grated her nerves, but today it simply magnified the self-inflicted torture. She remembered how the torture began when she researched her symptoms and her possible diagnosis on the internet. On Sunday she watched a local pastor on the internet. He taught on trusting God which calmed her nerves enough to be able to pretend to enjoy work for the week. How could she have scheduled a follow up appointment on a Wednesday? It would have been better for her to go in on Monday and get it over with, instead of burning a client’s ear and ruining a box of weave glue. Cursings and blessings from the same mouth took on a whole new meaning at that moment.

  The door creaked a little and Dr. Thompson entered. An older gentleman in his late fifties walked in and sat behind the desk. His salt and pepper hair, height, skin complexion and attire made him look like a cross between television dads, Phillip Banks and Cliff Huxtable. Everything about him was comforting and felt like sitting down with her Godfather, if she had one. She hoped pops had good news.

  “Good morning, Ms. Wardeen. Would you like some water or fruit juice?” He nodded towards the small mini refrigerator.

  “Sure.” Dani opened the small stainless steel door and took an apple juice out. “Thank you.”

  Dr. Thompson waited for her to open the bottle and take a small sip.

  Dani felt small beads of sweat pop up across her brow.

  “My pleasure,” he opened the manila and multicolor tabbed folder in front of him. “We received your results from the lab. The good news is that we caught the cancer early. You have triple negative inflammatory breast cancer. It is hard to treat but there have been successful cases where we were able to beat it.”

  Dani choked on the apple juice. The images from the websites and the statistics on each form of cancer that matched her symptoms swirled around in her mind and crashed against each other. She remembered her surroundings when she smelled the apple juice and felt Dr. Thompson place facial tissue in her hand. Everything she prayed against had happened.

  “Are you sure Dr. Thompson? I read online where this has been misdiagnosed and I could just have a blood disorder that makes my body more conducive to abnormal bruising.” Dani’s leg bounced up and down.

  “Ms. Wardeen, I know you read a lot of alarming stories, statistics and other things online but I assure you we have not misdiagnosed you. If you would like to see another doctor for a second opinion we have enough left from the sample to have it sent there.”

  “That won’t be necessary. I believe you Dr. Thompson. I just don’t want to. I’m too young for this. The odds are ag
ainst me beating this. Why couldn’t it just be regular breast cancer? Oh God.” A blood curdling scream ripped from Dani’s mouth as she slumped over in her chair.

  Dr. Thompson pressed the intercom and asked his nurse to set up one of the recovery rooms. He also told her to call in the patient counselor. “We need to discuss your treatment. While we caught it early we still need to begin treatment to stop the cancer from spreading. Some of the things you may have read about like how aggressively this form of breast cancer spreads were correct. We want to schedule your mastectomy and then get you started on some chemotherapy.”

  “Mastectomy?”

  “Yes, I’m afraid so. Then we’d have to do targeted therapy through radiation and reconstructive surgery.”

  “Radiation? Reconstructive surgery? I don’t believe this.”

  “After that we’ll discuss additional systemic treatment to prevent recurrence.”

  “You’re talking about pumping me full of chemicals and possibly killing me with treatment before I even have a chance to decide if I want to get married and have children. How can I make a decision about what I’m gonna do next when I just found out what is going on? I need at least a week to decide what I’m going to do.” Dani placed the apple juice bottle on the edge of his desk in front of her.

  “I understand you’re upset ,Ms. Wardeen, but swift action and aggressive treatment will be best in treating this cancer. We detected it early but it progresses very rapidly,” Dr. Thompson said.

  “I’ll make an appointment to come back next Monday. I need time to pray about this. I respect your opinion and I’m glad Dr. Justin referred me to your office, but your opinion is not what drives me, Dr. Thompson. I know someone whose input is more important than yours.” Dani stood up as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

  Dr. Thompson stood with her.

  “Where is the restroom? I need to freshen up and get myself together.” Dani looked at the art deco clock on the wall behind Dr. Thompson.

  “It’s out of my office and to the right of the lobby, across from the patient services department.” Dr. Thompson watched Dani turn and reach for the doorknob. “I know this is hard to process, Ms. Wardeen, but please know I’m here to help. My foremost priority is to care for you with the most successful proven methods to treat this and to recover from it. You can still go on to live a full life, but you have to be here to do it. Doing nothing will definitely result in you not being able to do that.”

  “I don’t doubt your dedication to your patients’ health Dr. Thompson I just need to talk to the person dedicated to every concern I have. I’ll see you if you have an appointment on Monday to let you know what I’ve decided to do.” Dani opened the door.

  ***

  Jenessa eased her car into the garage. She pulled up the screen on her phone and pulled up a bookmarked video surveillance site. Her daughter leaned against the kitchen sink. She hated feeling like she spied on her children but ever since an eighteen year old boy tried to climb into Dominique’s room three months ago, internal surveillance seemed like a good idea. Whisper soft garage door system and sneaky teens meant using every tool at her disposal and equaled one informed mother. Jenessa turned up the volume on the phone and scrunched her nose up. Why did her daughter insist on chewing gum like a cow?

  “Girl you are crazy. Jarrell doesn’t like you. He likes me.” Dominique rolled her eyes and twirled the gum she chewed on her finger. The phone on the wall rang. She walked over and looked at the caller id. “Hey I have to catch the other phone let me call you back.”

  “Armstrong residence.” Dominique picked up the phone with one hand and slid her cell phone in her pocket with the other. She walked over to the kitchen sink to wash her hands. “No, she’s not in right now but this is her daughter. Is there a message for her that I can write down? Just let me get to the message pad.”

  Dominique dried her hands while she balanced the headset between her cheek and shoulder. Once her hands were dry she walked into the family room and made her way to the message pad next to the cordless phone console. She pulled a bright pink and blue pen from her pocket and flopped down in an overstuffed armchair to write down the message. “You were able to squeeze her in for this Friday for the follow up appointment? Wait is that the same appointment she was supposed to make it to a week ago…you can tell me I’m her daughter…I don’t know what a HIPAA …yes ma’am…My bad I’ll be sure to give my mom the message. ..Yes ma’am goodbye.”

  Uh oh. Jenessa knew the only thing that call could have been about was her follow up appointment about her breast. She made a point of making her keys jingle in the lock before entering through the door from the garage. Jenessa put her suitcase down in the hall way. The click clack of her heels on the laminate hardwood floor echoed as she made her way toward the family room.

  “Hey mama.” Dominique eyed her like a hawk. “How was work? Did you hear back from the doctor yet about your follow up appointment? Any news? Are you okay?”

  Jenessa cleared her throat to buy a few more seconds of time. Lying never felt right. “Dominique I told you before to let me concern myself about that. Focus on school and your responsibilities and everything will be fine.”

  “In other words, Dominique, do as I say not as I do because I never made the appointment. I have cancelled it twice cause your need to know whether or not I’m gonna die from cancer like Nana and Auntie Emma is not important.” Tears spilled from her daughter’s eyes.

  Jenessa gasped and reached for her daughter. “Oh Nique, I’m sorry. I never even thought about that. You know I would never let anything like that happen to me. I’m going to be fine. Who else is going to take care of you? Don’t worry, girl. God is not going to allow anything to happen to me. I’m fine.”

  “Right and I’m supposed to believe you because you’ve been so honest with me about this every other time we talked. You want me to feel all on myself for the rest of my life because I could get cancer but you won’t take five funky little minutes from your precious job to make sure you don’t have it. You’re such a phony. Ugghhhh!” Dominique stormed into the kitchen.

  Jenessa followed her and prayed before counting to ten. It took every bit of her self control to keep from knocking her daughters light brown eyes from their sockets. “I know you’re upset and I’m not saying you shouldn’t be because my actions were a bit selfish but if you EVER in your life talk to me like that again you won’t have to feel on yourself for the rest of your life because it will be over. Now I’ll make another appointment and get the second opinion so you can stop worrying. I do care about how you feel, but as the head of this house, my main priority is to keep food on the table. You will not make me feel bad for being good at that.”

  “Maybe if you hadn’t run Daddy off you wouldn’t have to be so good at it. You think I’m still a little kid, but I hear him and his wife talking sometimes and I know you did something to him. I know he didn’t leave because y’all didn’t get along anymore. How will you do anything to me if I end up burying you like you did Grandma? Am I supposed to be happy because at least you were here to buy me a bra, and teach me how to apply my makeup? I think you could find five minutes to get checked out instead of chasing behind old dude and working all the time. I’m old enough to worry about you. You’re the only mother I have.” Dominique brushed away the tears that were falling down her face with the back of her hand. She backed away when Jenessa took a slow step toward her.

  “You’re right. I’m being selfish by not going. I apologize. Don’t worry Nique. I’ll make the next appointment they give me okay?” Jenessa drew her daughter into a close hug and stroked her hair until her hard sobs turned into soft whimpers. “Just do me a favor and leave the past behind us. Cause while I am here I will still knock you out. I’ll be sure to tell your father your eavesdropping skills have only improved with time. You always were a nosy little thing.”

  Dominique lifted her head and gave a weak smile to her mother.

  Jenessa res
ted her chin awkwardly on her daughters shoulder as Dominique bent over and leaned forward next to Jenessa. “Now go clean your face and get ready to pick up your brother from practice for dinner.”

  Jenessa waited until Dominique was at the other end of the house before she picked up the phone. She pulled up the caller id and punched dial on the doctor’s office number. “This is Jenessa Armstrong. Yes I received a message from my daughter that you called. I looked at the date you gave her for me. I’m afraid that still isn’t going to work. I already have another important meeting that day. I’ll call you back when my schedule becomes a little more free…Yes…alright…Thank you, you do the same.”

  Chapter Five

  Rebecca smiled at the thin young woman across the table from her. When Sister Green entered the room she nodded and stood as the woman approached her seat. Two other women walked in behind her and sat next to her and the other woman.

  “I’ve looked at the suggestions and experience of everyone working alongside us this year and I am very excited. Vichonda and Rebecca came with some very trendy and new ideas for the type and theme of the fundraiser. While both are capable and the ideas are I’m sure able to bring great results we have decided on what the event will be and who will head it up. Vichonda,…” Sister Green turned to the tall curvaceous woman and smiled “we believe that continuing to do a fashion show will be in the best interest of our breast cancer ministry by setting a tradition for the kind of event we will host each year. Rebecca your professional skill set and connections would be the perfect fit for the committee chair. So while we are not implementing your full event proposal we would like for you to head up the event committee. Vichonda will serve as your assistant.”

  Rebecca smiled at the young lady again, who cut her eyes before anyone saw, and then smiled. “Thank you Sister Green I look forward to working with Vichonda and making this year better than ever.”