The Essential Jagged Ivory (Jagged Ivory Boxed Set)

by Lashell Collins

  “No? Where'd you go?”

  She shrugged her shoulders at him. “I don't know. But I can take you to the room where I got it.”

  She was clearly wasted, and Benji felt like such a failure. He had come here to try and keep her from doing something stupid. But he knew now that she was obviously still on a collision course with her destiny. And he wished like hell that he could somehow spare her the rock bottom that she was headed for, but he knew that he couldn't do that. Hitting bottom was something that she was just going to have to do, and she would either survive it or she wouldn't. But he understood now that he had to walk away from her, for the sake of his own sobriety. Being around her was every bit as detrimental to him as being around Crank, and it was strange to think of it that way because she was such a sweet, innocent-looking soul. But looks could be deceiving.

  Reaching up, he caressed her face with his hand. “It was really good to see you, Beth. I hope I see you again sometime.” He smiled sadly at her as he turned and walked away.

  “Where you going?”

  He heard the question, but he didn't stop to acknowledge it. He couldn't. He had to just walk away. It was too heartbreaking to watch anymore. And as he wandered through the spacious penthouse apartment that Shannon called home, he was bombarded by scenes of drugs and drunken depravity everywhere he looked. He almost felt trapped. Like a rat trying desperately to get out of a maze.

  At one point he entered a room and looked up to see Noah through the open doorway into the next room, and it was like a homing beacon on a sea of rough, choppy water. A very welcome sight in an otherwise terrifying nightmare. But as he started to walk toward his friend, he glanced to his left and caught a glimpse of two guys sitting on a couch, minding their own business as they went about the ritual of shooting up. And he actually stopped as he watched one of them tie the other off and find a vein. He salivated as he watched them mainline shots of heroin. God, get me out of here!

  “Benji!”

  It was Noah's voice, calling him and pulling his attention away from the scene. His legs feeling like lead, he slowly put one foot in front of the other with very determined steps, and walked away from it. He felt shaken up by the time he made it the few yards over to where Noah and Mercy stood.

  “I gotta get outta here, man,” he mumbled, looking at Noah in desperation.

  “Benji, you okay?” Noah asked, clearly concerned as he studied his eyes.

  “No. I mean, I'm clean, but … to stay that way, I have got to get out of here! I don't know what the hell I was thinking,” he said.

  “Yeah, well, that makes two of us, brother,” Noah admitted. “I should've known better than to come here. Mercy and I were on our way out, but I didn't want to leave you in here. We've been looking for you.”

  “Okay, well, you found me. Now, let's get the fuck outta here!”

  They made their exit then, climbing into the back of an SUV limo feeling all types of relief. And as they were driven back to their hotel, Benji continued to berate himself.

  “I have acted like such a fucking idiot tonight,” he seethed.

  “Don't beat yourself up, man,” Noah responded. “I mean, Shannon's cool and all, but that scene was more than I could handle. So, I can only imagine how you must have felt back there.”

  “It's not just my stupidity at going there,” Benji answered. “It's more than that. I messed up, man.”

  Noah looked at him with wide, worried eyes. “I thought you said you didn't do anything at Shannon's.”

  “What?” Benji looked at him, slightly confused. “No. I didn't. That's not what I mean. I messed up with Fae. I hurt Fae's feelings tonight. She didn't say anything, but I could see it in her eyes. She was hurt and she was disappointed in me. I let her down. I fucking let her down,” he muttered, feeling like shit.

  Noah and Mercy exchanged a look as Benji ran his hands through his long mane of hair.

  “Benji, I don't know why you feel that way, man,” Noah began. “I don't know what happened between you and Fae tonight. Last I knew you were riding pretty high after you … uh.” His voice trailed off as he glanced at Mercy, and then back at his friend. “I mean, things were going pretty good between you two this morning,” he finished, not wanting to repeat something Benji had told his brothers in confidence. Even if it was just to Mercy.

  “Yeah, but we never got a chance to talk about it,” Benji said quietly. “It just happened, you know? And then I had to run off for that interview. We haven't had a chance to talk about it since. And we were supposed to do that tonight. Only I got it into my head that I needed to watch over Beth at that warped scene back there instead.”

  Noah shook his head as he listened to him. “You were trying to do the right thing, man. The honorable thing. Surely Fae's going to understand that.”

  “Come on, Noah,” he said with a bitter smile. “You've been going to meetings. Don't they tell you at those things that you are responsible for your sobriety? That's what they teach in rehab. And yet, I appointed myself Beth's sobriety defender tonight. How can I expect Fae to understand why I did that when I don't understand it myself?”

  “What's not to understand, man?” Noah said, trying to reason with him. “You met this vulnerable young girl in rehab, and tonight you wanted to try and save her from herself. Wanting to help someone in that kind of trouble is nothing to be ashamed of, Benji.”

  “It is if I put my own sobriety at risk in the process,” he said, looking him in the eye. “That has to come first. And I knew that, but I did it anyway. Why? Why did I do that? For somebody I barely even know. And how am I going to explain it to Fae?”

  Noah wasn't sure what to say to him. And he was surprised when Mercy spoke up beside him.

  “Benji, I don't know what happened between you and Fae, but … well, she and I have gotten to know each other pretty well since you two have been hanging out. And I have to tell you that your friendship is so important to her. She thinks the world of you. I mean, you should hear the way she talks about you. She is …” She smiled as she let her sentence dangle, not wanting to say too much. “I guess the point I'm trying to make is that, whatever happened between you two tonight … I know that you'll work it out because, whether you realize it or not … Fae is really crazy about you.”

  Benji wasn't sure what to do with Mercy's words. Was she right? Was Fae crazy about him? Was their friendship as important to her as it was to him? Was it more important to her than finding out if they could be more than friends? He thought about it the rest of the ride back, and by the time they made their way through the hotel lobby flanked by he and Noah's bodyguards, he was a nervous wreck. He knew that he had to go directly to her room to find her. He had so much to grovel for.

  He was tense on the elevator ride up to their floor. And he knew that it had to be at least 1 o'clock in the morning by now. She could be sleeping. But he didn't care. He had to talk to her. When the elevator stopped and he heard the loud ding indicating they had reached their floor, Benji felt his stomach give way.

  “Hey, good luck, man,” Noah said quietly as he led Mercy off the lift. Taking her by the hand, he turned to face Benji as he said, “Listen. After you talk to Fae … if it doesn't … I mean, if things don't go how you want them to and you feel like you're struggling … you don't think twice about coming to me if you need to, alright? Call me. Come bang on the door if you need to. Whatever. Doesn't matter what time it is. Alright?”

  “Yep,” Benji answered quietly. “Thanks, man.” He gave him a nod as he watched them walk down the hall to their room. And slowly, he followed after them with measured steps as his mind raced.

  He got to Fae's door just as he heard Noah and Mercy close theirs, and he swallowed hard as he stood there for a moment. He felt his hands go clammy. Why was he so nervous? He took a deep breath and lifted his hand to knock. Softly at first. Timidly. But after a few brief seconds, he knocked again, harder this time. More insistent. And his insides churned as he waited. He thought h
e heard movement on the other side of the door, but nothing happened, and he wondered if she were standing there on the other side of it and looking out of the peep hole at him. He looked up at that small, round hole and imagined her staring back at him.

  “Fae?”

  No response.

  He knocked again. More silence, although this time he clearly heard something on the other side of the door, and he knew that she could hear him.

  “Fae, please open the door,” he begged. “Look … I know that I messed up, okay? I know that I made the wrong choice tonight. And I know that I hurt you. And I am so sorry for that.”

  Still no response.

  “Fae, I don't blame you for being angry with me. Believe me … I'm angry enough at myself for the both of us. But please, talk to me. Please open the door and talk to me.”

  Nothing.

  He took a deep, tired breath as he ran his hands through his long hair in frustration. “Okay,” he sighed, feeling defeated. “Okay. I understand. You don't want to talk right now. But I'm, uh … I'm just going to sit here. Until you feel like talking, I'm just going to sit here by your door.”

  It wasn't a ploy or a trick to try and smoke her out of her room. He simply didn't know what else to do. He had no desire to go back to his own room alone; he wanted to be wherever she was. And she was here, so … he needed to be here too. He turned and crouched down, sitting with his back against her door. Knees bent, hands knitted together, head bowed, he sat on the floor of the hallway feeling more alone than he had felt since before meeting his brothers.

  And on the other side of the door, Fae stood wiping tears. Was he really going to sit there all night? She didn't know what to do. She wanted to let him in. But she was so afraid of what she would find if she opened the door to him. What kind of shape was he in? He sounded like himself. Like he wasn't impaired in any way. But she wasn't sure, and she knew there was no way she would be unless she did as he asked and opened the door.

  Benji sat running his hand over his eyes and thinking about the various stories their security team must have about guarding the rented floors of Jagged Ivory's hotels. He knew they were watching him right now and he bet they had seen a lot of shit go down over the years.

  As he stared at the floral print of the carpet, feeling about as low as he could get, he suddenly heard the latch of the door behind him, and his heart skipped a beat. He turned just in time to see Fae open the door a crack, and he stared up into her eyes from his seated position.

  “Hi.” His voice was small and full of apprehension.

  “Hi.”

  They stared at each other for a long moment before he softly asked, “Can I please come in?”

  She silently nodded and opened the door wider as he got to his feet. The minute he stepped inside and closed the door behind him, he could see that she had been crying. Her eyes were puffy and red, and she looked at him with the saddest expression in the world. It made him want to kick himself.

  “Fae, I am so sorry. For so many things, I don't even know where to begin,” he said as he looked into her eyes. “I know that I hurt your feelings tonight and that kills me. I hate the fact that I hurt you! That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I didn't set out to be a jerk to you tonight, I just … I tried to help a friend. And I know that's no excuse, but it's the truth. But I was an ass for letting you leave the stadium alone. I have acted like a jackass the entire night, and I don't blame you for being mad at me.”

  He paused as he stared at her, giving her a chance to say something. Anything. Only Fae kept silent as she listened to him. Studying him. Trying to determine if he was sincere, and if he was sober. She stood with her arms wrapped around her chest as if hugging herself in a protective fashion, unwilling to open herself up to him right now.

  Benji could see that she that she was feeling fearful, and he couldn't blame her. He knew her issues. She had been straight with him from the very beginning. “Fae, I understand the magnitude of what I did, okay? I know how incredibly stupid it was of me to go to that party. I know that I acted like an idiot tonight! I put everything that I have been working so hard for on the line. I know what I put at risk, and I know that it was foolish!”

  “Then why did you do it?” she asked, her voice loud and puzzled.

  Benji shook his head at her. “I don't know,” he said softly, shrugging his shoulders. “I have been asking myself that question since stepping foot in Shannon's apartment. 'What the hell am I doing here?' 'Why the fuck did I come here?' The only answer I have is that I wanted to protect Beth somehow. To keep her from almost killing herself like I did. I don't know.”

  “Well, I hope she appreciates what you tried to do,” Fae said softly, a hint of bitterness in her voice.

  “She didn't.” They were quiet for a moment as they eyed one another warily. And then Benji shook his head. “I'm sorry that I ruined tonight,” he said softly, staring into her eyes. “I wanted to just come back here and grab a burger with you. And talk about us … about what happened this morning. I wanted to tell you how amazing it was making love to you. And that I have wanted to do that for so long now.”

  Fae couldn't hold it in anymore. She felt the tears hit her cheeks as she listened to him. And when he stepped closer to her and reached out and wiped her tears away with his thumb, she felt herself break and the tears came more quickly as she quietly sobbed.

  “Shh. Please don't cry,” he whispered, taking her face in his hands as he continued to wipe away her tears. “I'm sorry.” Lightly, he pressed his lips to her forehead. “I'm sorry.” She continued to cry softly, melting into him, and he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly for a long time. It felt so good to hold her, even if she was angry at him, and he closed his eyes and savored the feel of her in his arms.

  He held her until she finally began to pull away, wiping her cheeks as she regained her composure. And when she did, she looked at him with a determined glint in her eyes. “I think you should go, Benji,” she said softly.

  He looked at her with a stunned expression, slightly shaking his head. “No,” he said quietly. “Fae, please … don't kick me out. Please let me stay! Let me talk to you; let me explain.”

  “You have explained,” she said tearfully. “And now, I'd like you to leave.”

  Benji didn't know what to say. He suddenly felt so lost, and more alone than ever. “And go where?” he asked, his voice rising in frustration. “Leave and do what? Go across the hall to an empty room? Go back to an empty life? 'Cause that's what it is without you. It's just … empty! There's nothing there,” he yelled, looking at her with wild, scared eyes. “There's nothing there.”

  He felt the tears sting his eyes as he stared at her, and the burning truth of his words hung in the air between them. His life was empty. He had nothing. He came from nothing and he had always had nothing. Even after joining Jagged Ivory and finding commercial success, he had lived his life in a way that accumulated nothing. While his brothers enjoyed the fruits of their labor by purchasing nice homes and fancy cars and sharing their wealth with their loved ones, Benji still lived like a nomad, going from one rented place to another, never buying anything more substantial than his dope, a video gaming console and a couple of high-end bass guitars. Never allowing himself to get emotionally attached to anyone but his bandmates. Until Fae.

  “I know that I fucked up tonight,” he continued loudly. “But I can't walk away from you. Please don't make me do that! I don't want that.”

  “Benji …”

  “I need you, Fae! I need you in my life,” he said teary-eyed. “You are my best friend! You have opened up the world to me. You mean so much to me, please. I want you,” he said, almost sobbing, caressing her face once more. “I want you so much. And I know that this will be tricky and that we'll need to move very, very slowly. But I want to be with you. Please say you want that too.”

  “I do want that,” she answered, crying again. “I want that more than anything. But I can't do this, Benji
! I can't be with someone who's using, I've told you that. I can't be in your life if the drugs are still a part of it! I won't do that!”

  “I know that, Fae,” he said looking into her eyes. “And I promise you that I am clean! I didn't do anything at that party except watch Beth get loaded and try to keep her from it. I wouldn't even eat anything there for fear that all the food was probably laced with something! I swear, baby.”

  Fae looked him in the eyes for a long moment before nodding. “Okay,” she said softly.

  He frowned at her. “Okay?”

  She nodded once more, wiping tears.

  “Fae … I need more than 'okay.' I need for you to believe me. I am clean. I swear.”

  There was a long pause as she continued to stare at him. Finally, tears still falling, she nodded again. “I believe you,” she whispered.

  “You do?”

  “Yes.”

  “Thank you,” he sighed, stepping toward her and taking her into his arms again, holding her tightly for a moment and kissing the top of her head. He pulled away from her, holding her at arm's length as he looked into her eyes. “Fae … I have to tell you something, and I don't want you to misunderstand me, okay?”

  “Okay,” she whispered, holding his worried gaze.

  “Fae, I am clean. And I have every intention of staying that way. But I need for you to understand that I can't promise you that I will stay clean. I wish that I could make that promise. I really do. But I can't, Fae. You have to realize that no addict can make that promise with any kind of certainty.”

  Fae nodded at his words, thinking about her conversation with Wayne about finding happiness in spite of the 'what ifs.' “I know that. And I understand.” she answered softly. “But if we were to move forward, Benji, I would need for you to understand that if the drugs come back … I am gone. And that is a promise.”