Perfect Kisses

by Maine, Miley

  Well, that’s what this plan is for anyway. That’s why I need to go through this part now, which sucks. I have to accept her hating me so I can finally show her that it wasn’t a malicious thing, but more of a bunch of silly mistakes. Once she understands that, we might be able to build something from there. It would be perfect if we got back together, if this past year could become nothing more than a blip in our otherwise amazing relationship. Just a distant memory that we never have to go back to.

  Maybe that’s a pipe dream, never to become real, but I have to give it one last try.

  5

  Rebecca

  December 18th

  This is better than being alone and staring at the same four walls, waiting for Jenny to come back home, I try to convince myself as I look around inside the noisy night club. I let Maggie convince me that this is a good idea because it beats being by myself.

  But I don’t know how I’m going to convince myself when this is basically hell. The loud music vibrates through my whole body, making my bones rattle and my organs ache. I don’t even know if I’m going to have any ear drums at the end of this. Then, there are the constant flashing lights, which are so intense they could send anyone into a seizure. The people as well, oh my God the people. There are so many of them. Is this normal for a night club? All of the sweaty bodies writhing on the dance floor, plus the endless queue to the bar for people so desperate for a drink, they are willing to wait for hours... It seems crazy to me. Not my cup of tea at all.

  I turn to look at Maggie, wondering if I can find any excuse to get out of here, but she is too busy flirting with the guy that already bought her two drinks. I can’t help but wonder if she’s going to be going home with him tonight.

  I tried to imagine myself doing that, picking up a random guy in a bar and taking him home, but the idea of it makes me shudder. Not only the horrible idea of having to make conversation with someone I don’t know, and having their judging eyes all over my home, but climbing into bed with them and allowing them to see me naked. I can’t even begin to imagine it, it’s too much.

  It shouldn’t be so hard for me to picture it, imagining it even if it isn’t real, I still can’t make that happen. How sad is that? It isn’t like I’m waiting for anyone, is it? Or anyone is waiting for me. I don’t know what Taylor is doing these days, and it isn’t any of my business, but I wouldn’t imagine someone as handsome as him will be alone for long. I don’t suppose he would tell me if he had someone else, but I can only guess he does.

  Not that I really want to think about that right now...

  Instead I picture him with Jenny at his new house, to see him in a better light for my imagination, but somehow that hurts me even more. For one, I don’t even know what his new house looks like. And then for another, it makes me sad for the family that I’ve lost. The family that wasn’t even real.

  “Fuck,” I whisper to myself as I can feel a little tear trickling down my face. “Don’t do this now.”

  How do I keep letting him ruin everything for me? Even a night that is supposed to just be fun.

  “Are you okay?” Maggie holds my shoulders and drags my attention back to the present. “Is this too much for you, Rebecca?”

  I hurriedly get rid of the wetness on my cheeks because I don’t want her to see it. “Oh yeah, I’m fine,” I tried to reassure her instead.

  “Do you want to go and dance?” she tugs me towards the dance floor not really giving me much more chance to say no. “Come on, it will be fun.”

  “But what about your friend?” I wave my hand in a sort of pointing gesture towards the bar area where we were only moments before. “Are you just leaving him like that?”

  “My best friend needs me.” she shrugs and smirks. “Plus, I wasn’t that keen on him anyway.”

  That shocks me because she seemed really into him, but I suppose she is more used to this than me. And since she’s not giving me any choice, I might as well try and enjoy. At least if we’re on the dance floor, it will just be me and her and we can have some fun.

  I throw my hands up in the air and try and get into the music, even if it is horrifically loud. I shake my hips and toss my head back, blocking everything else out. That isn’t the easiest when people keep knocking into me, but I’m doing my best to ignore them and enjoy myself. It’s been such a long time since I’ve had any fun.

  Maggie looks over the moon to see me smiling and laughing. She joins in with me, even doing the most ridiculous dance moves I have ever seen. I can’t help myself but laugh hysterically at her. This actually helps the booze cycle through my system much faster, giving me a bit of a lightheaded, fun loving feel. Finally, I’m giddy, and all the problems that have been weighing on my shoulders are flying away.

  Now I don’t know why I have been putting this off for such a long time. Perhaps it would be a good idea to go to that party on New Year’s Eve after all. It might be more fun than I initially thought. I could give it a try, couldn’t I?

  Everything that I’ve done in the past hasn’t worked out for me anyway, so perhaps this year could be the time for me to try new things. The more I dance, the more I laugh, the easier trying new things feels. I just hope that I feel the same way in the morning, and that being sober doesn’t change my mind, because something has to get me out of this rut. If I stay in it forever, then I’ll never be happy.

  Eventually, Maggie indicates that we should head back to the bar, and I agree with her. I’m desperately thirsty now and ready for more drinks. My friend grabs my hand and leads me expertly through the crowd of people, until we get closer to the bar counter. They must be too drunk to realize that there’s a gap here. Works for us, so I’m not complaining.

  “Hey there.” It isn’t long before another guy is besides me and Maggie. Only this time, he doesn’t seem to be here for her, but me instead. I don’t even know how to react at first, because it’s so shocking. I think I open and close my mouth a few times like a goldfish, which I can’t imagine is my best luck. “Maybe I can get you a drink?”

  “Of course, she would love a drink.” Maggie jumps in for me, showing eagerness on my behalf. I’m pretty sure this is what she wanted for me tonight. She wants me to know that there are more men out there in the world. This one is handsome enough, with a cool shaggy surfer guy hairstyle, but he doesn’t inspire anything in me. Maybe that’s because I haven’t even spoke to him yet. I can’t make any judgements when I don’t even know the guy. I mean, this could be my soul mate, my real soul mate, not the mess I made before, so I can’t immediately blow him off. Not that I can imagine meeting my soul mate in a bar, but here we go...

  I met Taylor at the movie theatre. I was there with Maggie, she had dragged me to watch the latest superhero offering, and he was there with who I now know is Archie to see the same thing. I noticed him right away, he had a magnetic force around him that pulled my eyes in. I assumed that he was having the same effect on everyone else around, but I was wrong. Maggie immediately scoffed at him saying that he looked boring and too business kind for me, but I ignored her and took his number when he offered it. I texted him the same night, which started off our relationship...

  But that didn’t end well, did it? Maybe I should have listened to Maggie in the first place, she is obviously a better judge of character than me. She seems to like this guy, so I should give him a chance.

  “Yes please, I would like a drink, thank you.”

  A deep blush races through my body as he orders me a drink, which makes me giggle when Maggie catches my eye. She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively letting me know just how much she approves. So, by the time he gets me a drink, I’m ready to talk. Not necessarily flirt, I don’t think I’m quite ready for that, but I can manage a bit of small talk.

  “So, what’s your name?” he asks me in a chocolatey smooth voice. “I probably should have asked that before I ordered you a drink, shouldn’t I?”

  “Rebecca.” I tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “And what’
s yours?”

  “Brad,” he shoots back as he leans on the bar. He’s definitely smooth, which I can feel working on me in the smallest way. But only a little bit, because rationally I know that if he’s a charmer, it’s because this isn’t his first time. He’s used to this. He might be handsome and nice, but I’m sure he will soon realize that he’s not going to get what he wants from me, and he will move on to someone else... But it will keep Maggie happy if she sees me trying.

  “Nice to meet you, Brad.” Am I purring here? I feel like I might be flirting more than I planned. “And what brings you to a place like this.”

  “Ah well, I work in finance you see, which is a very stressful job. I need somewhere to go to blow off some steam, and this place always has some of the best-looking women. As proven by you.”

  His eyes run hungrily up and down my body, but now I feel grossed out. He basically just referred to this bar as a meat market, where he goes to pick up his prey for the night. That’s a bit too honest for my liking.

  “Right well, thank you for the drink, Brad, but me and my friend need to get back to dancing now. You have a good night okay?”

  As I grab on to Maggie’s arm, indicating her that I need an escape, I half expect him to come after me in anger because he spent money on me, but he doesn’t. I guess I must be collateral damage in his mission for the night. Just someone who doesn’t bother him at all.

  “What was wrong with him?” Maggie asks, clearly a little annoyed with me. “Please don’t tell me you blew him off just because he isn’t Taylor?”

  “No way, it’s because he is simply hunting for a one-night stand and that isn’t me.”

  “But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have chatted with him for a bit, maybe kissed him. Anything to get that idiot off your mind.”

  The problem is… kissing someone else would probably put more of my focus on Taylor, because I know no one is ever going to be like him. I’m never going to find someone like him again, and I mean the good side of him when things were awesome between us, not the part of him where he lied. We had something incredible, the sort of love that happens in a movie or a book, and I don’t think you can go from something so intense and wonderful to something normal. It just doesn’t work like that. I don’t want to lead someone on just to end up resenting them and growing bored because what we have isn’t perfect, so I think it’s best for me to avoid romance completely, be satisfied that moving on with my life doesn’t mean I have to find someone else.

  6

  Taylor

  December 20th

  “Jenny, don’t you ever get tired?” I laugh as we play yet another round of tag. “My goodness, it must be amazing being five years old, and having all the energy in the world.”

  “It is amazing, Daddy,” she laughs. “Now come on, chase me again, will you?”

  “Hold on a moment.” I take a seat on the couch and pat my lap. “Come and sit with me for a moment. Let’s have some rest.”

  “No, I don’t want to,” Jenny moans.

  “You need to, because I have something that I want to talk to you about. I need to have a big girl conversation with you.” Jenny loves anything that makes her a ‘big girl’. She’s in too much of a rush to grow up. But when I can use it to my advantage, I will. She nods and takes a seat on my lap. “Okay, so I want to talk to you about coming Christmas and New Year. How would you feel about spending that time here in Daddy’s new house?”

  I hold my breath and wait for her to answer. Jenny takes a moment and pats her chin thoughtfully. If she doesn’t want to be here, there’s nothing I’m going to be able to do about it. Then the plan for Rebecca to see the real me goes right out the window. Any chance of reconnecting with her will vanish.

  “I like that plan,” she finally says in excitement. “I like your new house. It’s massive. Plenty of space for me to get awesome Christmas presents.”

  I can’t help but laugh at that one. That’s typical of Jenny. To find such a silver lining.

  “Okay, well that’s good. You and I can have a lot of fun at Christmas, can’t we? We can have lots of presents under the Christmas tree in the morning. We can have a nice Christmas dinner. We can play lots of games. Doesn’t that sound amazing?”

  “Just both of us?” Jenny’s face turns down into a frown. “But what about Mommy?” I knew this was going to happen. My daughter’s perceptiveness has played out like I hoped. “If I am here with you, then she will be all alone in the old house. I don’t want that.”

  I don’t want that either, which is why I am about to start the risky part of my plan. I don’t do it right away because I’m taking a moment to work up the courage. Now that it’s becoming very real, I’m a little freaked out. The ways that this could possibly go wrong, like Rebecca never talking to me again, flow through my mind, almost like my brain is trying to make me have second thoughts.

  But I can’t get too sucked into that. I didn’t make Rebecca hate me more than ever for nothing.

  “I don’t want Mommy to be alone either.” I finally start getting the words out. “So, what do you think about maybe inviting her here?”

  “To the new house?” Jenny’s eyes pop wide. “But Mommy has never been to the new house before. She says that she can’t come because it’s yours.”

  Poor girl, she can’t really understand this, can she? It must be confusing for her to one day have her parents together, and the next, living in separate houses. Not that I blame Rebecca for it. I know this is my fault. That’s why if my plan works out, and we end up back together, I will never mess up again. No way I will put Jenny through it a second time.

  “No, I know,” I agree. “But it can be different at Christmas, can’t it? We can make a few changes to the rules. Why not?”

  “It would be good to have Mommy here.” Jenny nods thoughtfully. “I would like to show her my room in the new house.”

  I dart my eyes around the room, admiring how it will look through Rebecca’s eyes. I have to admit that when I decorated this place, I had her in mind. I was thinking about what she would feel when she finally saw it. I guess I really haven’t ever believed that the divorce will stick...

  “I should go and tidy my room.” Jenny jumps up excitedly. “So that it’s perfect when Mommy sees it.”

  “Well, we don’t know for sure if Mommy will agree.” I feel like I need to reel in Jenny’s expectations, just in case. “She might want to do something different at Christmas.”

  “You don’t think she would want to be with me?”

  “Oh no, I didn’t mean it like that. Of course, she will want to spend time with you. She just might not want to come in the new house, that’s all.”

  “Why not?” Jenny cocks her head to one side curiously. Of course, she doesn’t understand this. I have really dug myself into a hole here, because I don’t know how to explain it in a way that a five-year-old can understand.

  “You know what?” I change tactic. “You go to tidy your room, and I will get the rest of the house organized just in case Mommy does say yes. Let’s be hopeful, shall we?”

  Jenny jumps around and cheers, getting far too carried away. Maybe I should have mentioned the plan to Rebecca before Jenny. I might have messed up badly here. But there’s no taking it back now, I will just have to find a way to fix it when the time comes. Now I don’t think I could do anything to calm my daughter down, so I will just have to go with it. Hopefully that infectious enthusiasm will rub off on Rebecca and she will be happy to come here...

  But then I think about the way she looked at me when we spoke about Christmas and remember that she hates me right now. It isn’t going to be easy. I shouldn’t get my own hopes built up, never mind Jenny’s.

  As Jenny runs off eagerly to tidy up, something that never normally happens, I slide my eyes closed and thought about how Christmas used to be, before I messed up. How Christmas would be now had I not lied, or had Rebecca not seen that news article about me. We would be buying gifts together, building
up the excitement of Christmas as a family, going to visit Santa at as many shopping malls as we can, and decorating the whole house to make it look like a winter wonderland. I always loved it, we all did, it was one of our amazing family traditions. One that was especially important to me because it isn’t something I had growing up. My dad was never around, I only met him once when I was six, and my mom worked a bar job, which meant I spent a lot of my childhood alone, including Christmas because she had to work then too. I didn’t really have that family unit, especially during the festive time of year, so we made a special effort to ensure that Jenny never had to experience that. This will be the first year where it isn’t all of us together, unless I can pull off my plan.

  Now, my mom doesn’t even live here anymore. She met a guy on vacation in Hawaii with some of the other girls from the bar, and she hasn’t come back. I’m happy for her, especially as it happened when I was nineteen, so I didn’t need her anymore, but it just makes the little family I had here even more important.

  “I need to make it happen,” I whisper to myself even more determined now. “I need to make Rebecca see that I am worth loving. She did it once, she can do it again. I’m sure of it.”

  But it isn’t just the love I need to work on, it’s the trust as well, and that’s going to be even harder to build. Trust is one of those things that’s easy to tear down, but almost impossible to rebuild. It’s a battle that would be too much for most people, it might not be worth the effort, and they might decide that moving on with someone else is easier, but not me. There isn’t anyone for me but the woman I married. I knew it from the first moment I laid my eyes on her in the movie theatre, and that hasn’t changed even with the divorce. If something as dreadful as divorce can’t change my feelings, then I really don’t think anything can.