Perfect Kisses

by Maine, Miley

  “Oh, of course.” I beam happily. “You are more than welcome. I wasn’t sure what was happening because I didn’t hear anything...”

  “Yeah, sorry about that. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do until the very last moment because... well, it’s going to be awkward, isn’t it? But I don’t want to let Jenny down. She’s so excited about us all being together again, so I’m doing this for her...”

  She shrugs and tries to downplay how much this is affecting her, but I know her well enough to see it. I think that Rebecca sometimes forgets that I know her inside out. She tries to push it to the back of her mind that we both have been through so much together, that I know what every single emotion looks like on her face.

  “We will be okay,” I say in what I hope is a comforting tone of voice. “We will find a way to make it work.”

  I don’t think I have Rebecca convinced but she will see. I will do whatever it takes to make her time at my house comfortable and fun. I have the advantage of knowing exactly what she likes, so that will help. I’m pretty sure that the first thing she will need is space to get her head around everything, which I can easily give to her. I’m really glad now that I had the spare room made up just in case.

  “I’m ready!” Before the awkwardness can get to us, Jenny returns as the happy go lucky glue to hold us all together. “Can we get going? I want to show Mommy my room!”

  I’m definitely not imagining it, Rebecca’s smile is through gritted teeth, but at least it’s there. I will take it.

  “For sure.” I wave my car keys at Jenny. “Let’s get going.”

  I try to take Rebecca’s bag for her, which I guess is just a force of habit, but she snatches it away from me. I can see that she’s keen for us not to act like we’re married anymore. She wants to set up boundaries right away. I hold up my hands in a surrendering gesture to try and let her know that I’m here to play ball whichever way she wants.

  It does create some tension if I’m honest, as we head to the car, but I’m too busy being excited to care. My brain is whirring at a hundred miles an hour, planning what we can do.

  “Can we add more decoration to the tree when we get there, Daddy? I want Mommy to help,” Jenny gushes happily, not at all bothered about the tension... if she can even feel it. “We have more lights, don’t we?”

  “You need more lights?” I laugh as I bring the car to life. “It already looks like a disco ball when I have them all on...”

  “Please, Daddy! Tinsel as well...”

  I toss my head back and laugh loudly because I feel giddy with everything that has transpired. I notice that there is nothing but silence from the passenger’s seat of the car, but I’m giving her space, I have to let her be quiet if that’s what she wants...

  * * *

  The nerves really hit me as we get to my place. I didn’t realize how scary it was going to be to show Rebecca my home. I keep darting my eyes towards her to see her reaction. She isn’t giving anything away right now. She’s stoic.

  “Here it is, Mommy.” Jenny grabs Rebecca’s hand. “Come inside, you are going to love it.”

  My chest tightens painfully, I can hardly breathe. I even feel like my face has contorted in the stress of it all. Was this a mistake? Should I not have done this? The plan that seemed like such a good idea not so long ago, now feels scary. I mean, I committed to spending ten days with a woman who hates me so much that she divorced me. A woman who can barely look at me, and who hasn’t smiled once. This could be a real issue here. It might be what kills us, rather than pulls us back together again. Forcing her to live with me, even for only ten days, might destroy any feelings that she has for me forever... perhaps I should send her back home and let Jenny go home with her too, just forget about this and try something else instead...

  No, don’t panic, I warn myself harshly. Don’t fuck this up before you’ve even had a chance. Don’t start with the negativity.

  I suck in a breath and force myself to walk forwards, keep on going even though it feels hard. I try to recall how happy I was about all of this not so long ago.

  This will be good; I tell myself instead. I will make it work. I have to. I don’t even want to think about what will happen if I don’t. The rest of my life will be miserable and lonely because I will never be able to find someone quite like her. I will never be able to have that sort of love a second time around. No one can get that lucky in a lifetime. She’s the only one for me, so I need to make this work...

  9

  Rebecca

  December 23rd

  “I don’t know what I’m doing here,” I groan the moment Maggie picks up the phone. “Why did I agree to this? It’s so God damn awkward and I have only been here for fifteen minutes.”

  Maggie doesn’t even laugh, that’s how bad she knows things are for me. “Well, I don’t want to say, ‘I told you so’, but I did. There is no way that going anywhere near your ex for an extended period of time can end up well. What has happened so far?”

  “Nothing yet. We just got here, and I have been in my room ever since.” I glance around to drink it all in. “The spare room that is like a God damn palace all on its own. I can’t believe this place. Honestly, it’s like a mansion. I mean, this isn’t a man suffering because of the divorce. To think I actually felt bad when I got the house... the only reason I kept it together was because of Jenny. I didn’t want her to lose her home. Now I’m thinking we could have ended up better if we’d moved.”

  I don’t know if I sound bitter or not, but I can’t help it. I feel twisted up in knots about this whole mess. Even though Taylor said he had plenty of room so we wouldn’t need to cross paths if I didn’t want us to, I didn’t think it would be like this.

  “Wow, that’s crazy. I don’t know what to say about that. Are you pissed off at him?”

  I shrug even though there’s no way she can see me. “I don’t know how I feel. I’m regretting being here.”

  “You can leave, you know? You haven’t committed to staying there forever. If it’s too much, go home. When we talked about you going there, you said that you wanted to know more about his life. You know now. There is no reason you can’t leave.”

  “I also said that it’s because of Jenny,” I remind her. “Because she wants me here. I didn’t want to let her down.” I let out a deep sigh. “She’s so excited to have us all together...”

  “But she won’t want you to be miserable. She will understand.”

  I don’t know about that if I’m honest. Jenny might be more grown up than a lot of five-year old’s, but this would break her heart. I don’t think that I can do it. I don’t want to see that sad look on her face.

  Also, I didn’t just come here to see Taylor’s home, or for Jenny. I also came here as proof that Taylor can’t just do what he wants. I don’t want him to assume that he can just take my daughter over Christmas or whenever he wants. Plus, not that I can admit this to anyone, I don’t want to be by myself. It’s too sad.

  “I don’t know, Maggie. I don’t know what to do. I probably should give it a try at least, shouldn’t I?”

  “Hmm,” she makes a non-committal reply. “If I was there rather with my family, I would come and drag your ass out right now.”

  “Oh God.” I flip down on the bed in the heat of distress. “I forgot that you are with your family. I’m so sorry, Maggie. I didn’t mean to interrupt you with my problems again. Let me go so you can get on with it...”

  “Oh no, believe me, talking to you is better than dealing with my family,” she shoots back wryly. “My mother is on at me to find a husband already, as if it’s the fifties and I need a man to survive. Then of course, she’s starting on children like I should already have five.” I can almost hear the eye roll that comes with that comment. “My father isn’t helping at all. He’s so quiet and let mom say whatever she wants... don’t ever get that way with Jenny. Let the poor girl live her life as she wants, promise me. Because it’s so frustrating.”

  Somehow
through all of my distress, she manages to make me laugh.

  “I won’t. I promise you. I’m sorry that you aren’t having the best time.”

  “It’s just one of those things that you have to go through for your family, isn’t it? The Christmas obligation.”

  Hmm, that’s a good point actually, and it’s pretty much what I’m doing here with Jenny. I don’t necessarily want to be here, it isn’t how I would like to spend my time, but I will do it for her. Maggie’s words might not have been designed to give me a surge of determination to stay here, but she has. I need to at least try.

  “So, Taylor is treating you right?” Maggie continues, almost as if she can read my mind. “He is trying to make up for where he ruined your life?”

  It has felt like that for a long time, but hearing Maggie say it now makes me feel oddly defensive. I shouldn’t because there is never any excuse for what Taylor has done and might still be doing. Words to come to his defense roll to the tip of my tongue, but that’s where I force them to stay. Maggie won’t want to hear it.

  “He’s been okay so far, but to be honest I haven’t seen too much of him. He’s with Jenny and I’m having some time to myself... I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with it though.”

  “Well, if you aren’t happy being by yourself, go and show your face. Give it an hour of all being together, maybe make your decision then.”

  “An hour doesn’t sound too bad. I can do that, can’t I?” I’m saying this to myself more than her. “Yeah, I can do that.”

  “Well, I am always a phone call away if you need me,” Maggie replies smilingly. “You won’t be an inconvenience. Anything to help me escape the misery here.”

  “Oh yeah, dive into mine instead.”

  “Exactly! It’s always better to pick apart someone else’s misery than your own.”

  I let out another laugh at her before we say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone. That immediately drags me back to the present moment. The moment which has me all alone in Taylor’s new house. When I hadn’t seen it, I didn’t need to imagine it, but now I’m never going to be able to stop thinking about it.

  “Fucking hell,” I murmur while shaking my head. “What sort of bull shit mess am I in now? How am I going to deal with this?”

  I don’t really want to, but I push myself up into a standing position to try and face this head on. I remind myself again that families do things that they don’t necessarily want to at this time of year, it’s expected, and also that it’s better than being by myself. I straighten myself up and I make my way down the hallway to find Jenny. It isn’t hard to know where she is, because the laughter rings through the whole house. I know that she enjoys it at her father’s house, she comes home buzzing with stories of fun after her weekends with him but hearing it for real gives me a mix of emotions. Of course, I’m happy because she’s enjoying herself, but it also tears me apart a bit because I’m the one who made the decision to tear our family apart, making sure that she couldn’t have this every day. It might have been Taylor who did the wrong thing in the first place, but I know that he wanted to stay, and I was utterly determined to make him go.

  Did I do the right thing? I don’t know where that thought comes from, but it side swipes me, and nearly knocks me from my feet. Don’t do that to yourself, Rebecca. Don’t punish yourself. You did what you had to do at the time.

  But if that’s the case, then why is my heart thundering against my rib cage? Why does it ache every time it hits my chest? I swallow down, trying to get rid of the thick ball of emotion that has lodged itself in my throat, but I don’t think it’s going anywhere. It’s stuck, making it a massive challenge for me to breathe. I’m lightheaded and dizzy, but I have to keep going because Jenny is calling for me. She wants me to join in decorating the Christmas tree with her, like we have done every single year since she was born. Okay, so the first year Jenny was in Taylor’s arms for the majority of it, but it was still a fun family activity that we did together.

  “Mom, look!” Immediately, I’m blown away. This is more of a freaking winter wonderland than a few Christmas decorations. Taylor has really gone all out. I half expect Santa to come around the corner in a moment. It makes what we have at our place seem mediocre. “Do you like it? Look at the little Christmas train going around the tracks...”

  I narrow my eyes curiously at Taylor, trying to work out if this is something that he has done on a whim in an attempt to make things special, or if this Christmas has been something, he’s planned all along. Maybe the reason that he hasn’t bothered to take his ten days with her before isn’t anything to do with his work, but instead is because he wanted all of this to happen.

  I don’t like the idea that I have been played here, but he has me wrong footed already. I’m going to be furious if he’s got some ulterior motive up his sleeve and I’m about to find out what it is...

  “Come on, Mommy!” Jenny yells, completely oblivious to the inner turmoil circling between me and Taylor... although to be fair, it might just be coming from me because Taylor doesn’t seem to have any idea what’s going on. “Let’s do the lights.”

  “You need more lights than this?”

  “That’s what Daddy said.” Damn it. I want to curse myself for forgetting about that. “Yes, we always need more lights.”

  Taylor shrugs and laughs, clearly letting her do whatever she wants to make the winter wonderland as magical as possible. “You guys do that.” He nods determinedly. “I will get some coffees on the go. I think me and Mommy might need some caffeine to get through all of these lights...”

  Him referring to us in the same sentence makes my chest squeeze tight. It brings back all of the memories of when that was the everyday normal. I didn’t appreciate it enough when I had the chance to.

  But this isn’t that. This is nothing like real life, it doesn’t even feel normal. More like a dream. The only problem with it not feeling real is that it’s dangerous. Anything can happen because there aren’t any boundaries. Nothing that occurs will have any consequences at the end of it.

  But this is real life. There are consequences, so I need to drag my eyes away from Taylor’s quickly before I slip into a place that I really can’t go.

  “Coffee would be amazing.” My voice sounds hollow, but at least I’m speaking, and my eyes aren’t fixed on him anymore. That’s a good sign. Especially if I ignore the weird stirring feelings inside of me. “Come on then, Jenny. Let’s see if we can fit any more lights on the tree. There must be some space somewhere. Let’s make sure there isn’t any more by the time we are done.”

  10

  Taylor

  December 23rd

  This is going well; I tell myself with a smile as I cook dinner for us. Rebecca seems like she’s starting to settle in now, we have even managed a couple of civilized conversations throughout the day, which has been amazing. I really feel like she might be coming around to liking me again... slowly but surely. I already knew that it was going to take some time so I can’t grow impatient. I just have to be happy that it’s going well.

  I eye the bottle of wine in my fridge knowing that once that comes out, she will relax even more and maybe then we can chat about deeper things. I would love to get on to what happened and explain myself again, this time with her actually listening to me, but I don’t know if I can expect that on day one.

  Just be okay with the pace that Rebecca wants to go, I remind myself. Don’t push her. That’s the worst thing that you could do.

  “Everything alright?” I call to the living room. I don’t know if they can hear me from here, but I’ll try anyway. “Do either of you want anything while I’m in the kitchen?”

  I don’t get anything for a few minutes until Jenny bounds into the kitchen beside me, jumping up and down like a bunny rabbit. “I would like a juice please, Daddy,” she tells me breathlessly. “And Mommy would like a drink too.”

  It stings for a second that Rebecca hasn’t come in to speak to me her
self, but then I quickly remind myself that I need to remain patient.

  “Did Mommy say what she wanted?” I ask instead.

  “No, she didn’t say.”

  Before I can ask Jenny further, she races out the room once more, still in the middle of a game with her mother. Just like old times. I mean, my daughter might have changed massively in the last year, from age two to five is a big jump, but today it feels a bit like nothing has happened.

  This is what I’m fighting for. This is what I want to go back to.

  I slip my eyes closed while I continue to stir the pot on the stove, focusing on the visual image of my family with my marriage back once more, just as I wanted, and it makes my heart swell with warmth and love.

  When I pop my eyes open again, I realize that there is a wetness there. Am I actually emotional about this? Oh God, I know it means a lot to me, but to cry...? I shouldn’t be weeping when I’m finally getting what I want. I wipe my face rapidly, really hoping that no one will see this.

  The last year has been painful for me. I’ve tried to hide it and get on with life, but I can’t do it any longer. It’s overwhelming me.

  Once dinner is done, we sit around the table, one which is roughly the same size as the one in our family home, which makes this feel so much more like things used to be. It’s hard for me to remember that everything has changed.

  As usual, Jenny talks the whole time, filling every second of the silence which is great. It doesn’t give me and Rebecca any time to feel awkward. I do keep catching her eyes, which seems to make us both a bit shy and embarrassed, a sensation that’s strange since we know each other so well, it causes us to look away again just as quickly. But it’s something. It sorts of makes me feel a bit like a teenager in the throes of my first crush... although this is way more than a crush. The intensity of my feelings nearly blows my damn mind.