by Maine, Miley
“Okay, great well I am ready when you are.” I grin some more. I must look a bit like a smiling fool, but I don’t really mind. I have no issue being a fool with Aisha. “Just come over whenever you want to.”
“We will just finish up here, then we will come over to join you. Thank you, Marc, that’s really kind of you.”
I wave goodbye as I exit Aisha’s house, with a much better feeling than I had last night. I was worried that I had ruined it with the necklace, but now she seems really happy to have it hanging around her neck. I hope she sees it as just something nice I wanted to do for her, just something that I wanted to give her. Not something loaded with meaning.
I feel a bit lonely back in my own house, a bit empty without anyone around. I have gotten so used to living by myself that quietness doesn’t normally bother me, but the more time I spend with Aisha and Travis, the more I crave the noise and the company.
It’s even harder today on Christmas Day with the smell of food infiltrating my house, remind me that I don’t actually have a family of my own to share it with. It makes me think about my father and wonder what he is doing today with his family. I’m sure he’s probably thinking about me as well, but much less so because he is surrounded by others...
“Hello?” Thankfully, before I can fall into a hole of sadness, the people that I will be spending Christmas with arrive, absolutely flooding my home with their presence. “It’s us.”
“Come through!” I call out to them before I hold my breath. This is going to go one of two ways, and I really hope it’s the positive way. “I’m in here.”
Travis practically screams when he first sees the giant pile of presents in the corner of the room. “Who are these for?”
“You, buddy,” I tell him with a grin. “Get to opening them if you want.”
As he runs in to the pile of gifts and begins tearing the paper off the packages at the speed of light, I see the shocked almost horrified look on Aisha’s face.
“What have you done?” she gasps. “I can’t believe you did this. This is more than I could have ever gotten him.”
There are almost tears bursting out behind her eyes, she’s all choked up an emotional and I have the horrible feeling this is because of me. Because I have overstepped the mark yet again.
“I just wanted to do something nice, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. I just couldn’t resist getting some nice stuff for Travis.”
“I don’t mind,” she tells me through thick emotion. “I don’t mind him having more stuff. I just wish that I could be the one to get him all this.”
“Oh, but Aisha, you don’t need to get him stuff, you are his mother. He doesn’t need things from you. He doesn’t need anything material, he just needs your love, and from what I have seen he gets that in abundance.”
“But look at him.” She points weakly to her excited child. “Right now, he wants the gifts.”
“I definitely think he needs your love as well,” I do my best to reassure her because I can tell that she really needs it right now. “Even if it seems like he’s only interested in the gifts, that’s because they are there right in front of him. The rest of the time he needs you. Once he grows older and he sees everything you have done for him, he will really appreciate it. Just like I do with my father.”
She is silent for a little while, just watching Travis enjoying himself. I hope she is considering my words and not just watching her child act crazy over material things. I never seem to think about the consequences of my actions when I do them. Or I do, but it never goes quite as planned. Aisha never reacts like I think she’s going to.
“I’m very grateful to you,” she suddenly blurts out. “For everything that you have done for me, and for Travis as well. I’m sorry if I ever come across as ungrateful, it isn’t that way at all. I just find it hard because like I have said to you before I haven’t really had anyone since Travis has been born. I don’t know how to take kindness, it feels kinda alien to me.”
Wow, her revelation feels like I’m really seeing a part of her that I haven’t been shown before. She’s being incredibly vulnerable and that makes me feel even closer to her.
“I’m happy to do all these things for you, it makes me happy to see you happy, and obviously Travis as well. But please tell me if I go too far. That’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t upset you or make you uncomfortable. I think I just keep getting carried away with myself.”
I laugh and thankfully she joins in as well. It lightens the atmosphere tenfold and makes her feel evidently more comfortable around me.
“I just want to repay you, that’s all,” she tells me. “I would love to be able to pay you back, but I don’t know how. I obviously can’t pay you back with money.” Aisha gives me a desperate look. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you somehow?”
A cheeky thought pops into my mind, and I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. From the look Aisha gives me, I have a feeling that she thinks this is a dirty thought crossing my mind, but surprisingly, even to me, it isn’t that at all.
“Yeah, you can move in with me here. I like having you and Travis around. I like the noise, the fun, the excitement, the chaos... I would love you to be here permanently.”
Aisha stares at me in utter horror. “You are joking me, right?” she demands. “You have to be kidding. You can’t really want me and Travis around here permanently, because that would be insane. We have only been... well, we aren’t even official, are we? We can’t be thinking about moving in together if we aren’t officially a thing. And even if we were officially a thing, it would only have been for a short time. I couldn’t move that fast and move in with you. I can’t do that. I have a child to think about...”
“Yeah, I know.” I was only half joking really; I honestly wouldn’t mind if she wanted to move in with me. I don’t think it would matter that we don’t know each other too well because it would give us all the time in the world to get to know one another, and I’m so utterly convinced that we are a perfect match that nothing should hold us back... but she’s right. She does need to think about Travis and putting him through such a dramatic change probably wouldn’t be good for him. “But you could just stay here tonight, right? I have a spare room, the room that I used to have when I was a kid, which is perfectly set up for him if he wants to sleep there...”
She eyes me curiously, but I can see the spark behind her gaze. She likes the idea of staying over here for a change just as much as I do.
“I will ask Travis,” she answers non committedly. “And if he wants to, then yes we will stay.”
I have to resist the urge to fist pump the air in excitement. For Aisha to want to come and stay here, it feels like a big step in the right direction for us. Something new. A pointed night spent together, not just us falling into one another’s arms. A sleep over as well. What could be cooler than that?
“Sounds good,” I replied confidently. I’m pretty sure that Travis will jump at the chance to sleep over here. It will be like an adventure for him. “Now, I’m going to get dinner out on the table because I’m sure we are all starving.”
Hmmm, there it is again, that delicious chemistry between us, the feeling that keeps me going all the damn time. I feel like I’m on top of the world when I get that sizzle.
“Let me know if you need a hand.” I love the offer coming from her. It feels really sweet and genuine. “Just me a shout, okay?”
“Thank you, I will.”
All the worry that I have been feeling about Aisha and myself goes out of the window as I walk back into the kitchen. Then again, she does that a lot when we are at the high point of the roller coaster. I know that I shouldn’t get too caught up in this feeling because it probably won’t be long until we come crashing down once again, but I can’t help it. She has made me happier than I ever thought possible, and it’s so easy for me to get caught up in that. That feeling; that fantasy.
But it isn’t just a fantasy anymore.
There is a part of it that’s reality, and the more of her layers that I peel back, the more real we become...
12
Aisha
December 27th
It’s been a magical couple of days at Marc’s house. Such a wonderful Christmas with all of us together. Better than I ever could have hoped for. He and I get on so well, there is such a magical connection between the pair of us, I really feel like something could come of it if we allowed it... I know I’m not supposed to be letting anything happen between us, I should be keeping that barrier up like always, but for reason, he seems to bring it down and I can’t seem to stop it. I don’t even want to stop it; I like letting him in. He feels worth it, and he makes me feel really special as well.
It’s like a dream come true, a happy ever after type fantasy, I don’t want to come crashing back to earth but I have to. I have to get Travis back home and get back to our real lives...
“Oh, look, Mommy!” Travis bends down and grabs a stack of mail. “We have so many letters. Do you think they are all Christmas cards?”
I peer over his shoulder and immediately shake my head no. “I don’t think so, sweetie. They all look like bills to me.”
Urgh, talk about crashing back to earth with a bump. I really didn’t want to come back home to a stack of bills, especially since I am well and truly in the Christmas spirit, but I guess there’s no escaping it. I take them from Travis and send him in to the living room to play with his new toys. He goes willingly and happily because he has no idea what a nightmare these bills are to me. He doesn’t understand the anxiety they cause because I know I can’t afford them.
“Do I really need to do this now?” I mutter to myself. “Can’t I put it off for a little while longer?”
I really do consider this, I would love to stay in the fantasy, in the dream we’re just a little while longer, but I suppose it isn’t going anywhere. I have to face it eventually. I suppose there is no time like the present.
I drop them on the dining room table and make myself a coffee first before I finally sit down and I go through the final notices, the warnings, some even threats. These letters really used to make me sick to my stomach. I used to read them while hardly breathing and panicking that the world was closing in around me, but now it’s strange how numb I feel, how little this affects me because I’m just so used to it. I wish it wasn’t; I would much prefer it if this wasn’t even a feature of my life, but there’s so little I can do.
Marc has helped me a lot. By paying off the school fees and making sure I don’t need to worry about it for the rest of the year is incredible. It solves one of my major problems, but I still have more. I can’t escape all of them...
“Oh my God.” All of a sudden, I spot something that I didn’t see before. Another letter that I have become used to seeing, but that I really didn’t want to face right now. I have been trying too hard to keep on top of things, especially when it comes to this, but it seems like I have failed anyway. “An eviction notice.”
I tear it open and read the words inside, my heart sinking further and further as I take it all in. I didn’t even realize that I was late on my rent, I guess I have forgotten everything with all that has been going on distracting me. It seems that hasn’t just been for this month either. Judging by this letter there have been a few months where I haven’t paid, where I have let things slide, and now those months are coming back to haunt me.
“Shit.” I rake my fingers nervously through my hair as tears start to drop from my eyes. “Is this landlord going to be a forgiving one?”
Over the years, I have had some who will listen to me when I explain my situation, who will give me another chance, who would want Travis and me to stay above water, but I don’t know if I will get that here. I’m not sure if it’s possible to get that lucky. Just when I was thinking things were going well between Marc and myself, this happens to spoil everything. Just a reminder that life can’t be all good.
I wander into the living room and look at my son, my poor boy who deserves so much better. He has just settled here really, he’s just got back in to school and he’s so happy, and now I might have to put him through yet another upheaval.
“I need to stay,” I remind myself quietly. “I need to find a way to remain here. We have just got the school all sorted out. I can’t lose all of that now.”
Of course, Marc is in my mind as well. I can’t help it. I know that I’m not supposed to be getting in too deep with him, but I already am. I can’t keep him out of my mind and my plans. It might be really silly of me, but I can’t help it.
But how am I going to sort that? How am I going to sort out some money to pay off this back rent just in case the landlord isn’t an understanding one. That would be the ideal situation, but making it happen is going to be another thing. I don’t have many options...
My family. I don’t want to think about my parents, especially not at a time like this, but I can’t help it. They have cracked up in my mind over the years, mostly because I know that even if they had changed their minds about everything when it comes to Travis and me, they wouldn’t be able to reach me to apologize. They have no idea where I am.
Perhaps I could call them now and give them that chance. It’s a huge risk, an absolutely massive one, to call them after seven years and to ask them for money, but right now I don’t see if I have any other choice.
I suck in a deep breath, trying to ignore how shaky it is, and I find my parent’s land line number in my cell phone. There have been times when I have almost deleted this number because I’ve been so angry and upset, but it’s pointless and I know it is because the number will always be in my brain. It’s one of those I can never forget.
“Just do it,” I hiss at myself. “Don’t be a wimp.”
Admittedly, it takes me a couple of minutes before I actually follow through with that, but eventually, desperation overcomes me as I hit dial. I have to leap up off my seat and pace the room as I listen to the ringing sound. There is no way in hell I can’t keep still. This is the most anxious I have been in a long time.
“Hello?” Oh God, it’s my mother, and she already sounds pissed off. I haven’t even said anything yet. “Hello? Is anybody there?”
“Mo... Mom,” I just about manage to stammer out nervously. “It’s me.” She doesn’t say anything. It’s almost like she has stopped breathing. “I just wanted to talk to you...”
“You want something,” she interrupts sharply. “There is no way you would be calling me now after all of this time if you didn’t want anything. So, what is it? Money? I can only assume that it’s money. Well, I can assure you right now. It isn’t going to happen. We are not going to give you anything. I don’t know why you would even assume that we would. After everything you have put us through...”
“I have been through things as well.” I want to make her understand that there are two sides to this story.
“The only things that you have been through are things that you have bought on yourself, so don’t try and spill that, to make me give you sympathy. Do you even know what you did to us? You have no idea.”
This was a mistake. I don’t even know why I made this phone call. How did I think that things would have changed in the last few years? That was so naive and stupid of me. I don’t know what I was thinking.
“Never mind,” I say quickly through the emotion instead of asking what I was planning on asking. “I just wanted to speak to you, Mom, but forget it.”
I hang up quickly, much faster than when I dialed the number. I place my cell phone on the table in front of me and wait to see if she’s going to call me back. If she was any sort of mother, even after the nastiness, she would call me back to try and sort things out. But she doesn’t. My cell phone remains so silent it hurts my ears. It makes me cry even harder to know that she just doesn’t care. She hasn’t softened at all and forgiven me.
But I can’t get too lost and upset over this. I can’t allow myself to wallow in self-pity. I
still have a problem that I need to solve. I idly scroll through my phone contacts to see if there is anyone else that I can turn to. But of course, I don’t have anyone. I have blocked people out for a reason and that’s come back to bite me in the ass.
“Ronnie.” Urgh even seeing his name makes my blood run cold. I hate him, I despise him, but I have obviously kept his number for a reason. Because I suppose a little part of me thought that maybe one day, he would turn out to be a father. While there is not much chance of that happening now, he could pay up, couldn’t he? I have never gone after him for child support money, but surely, he would want to keep his son with a roof over his head.
“Screw it.” I hit the call button without giving myself any time to think it through. “I guess I’m doing this now.”
He answers much faster than my mother, and it seems like he has saved my number in his phone still as well.
“Well, well, well.” His voice is so smarmy it makes me sick. “I guess I didn’t make my feelings clear to you the last time I saw you. What the hell are you calling me for, Aisha?”
“I’m calling about your son,” I reply coldly. “And about how I think it’s time you finally step up. Be a father.” Thinking about Travis gives me strength. “Not in person, of course, I would never expect that of you. But financially. Right now, your son needs you to pay up.”
There is a bit of silence before I get anything back, during which time I can only hear the hammering of my own heartbeat.
“I can’t believe this,” he finally sneers. “I can’t believe you would finally get in touch with me with this. You are absolutely disgusting. A real nasty piece of work. I don’t know what I ever saw in you, Aisha. Don’t you have some other man to leech off of? Because that’s what you are, isn’t it? A leech and a slut. Completely worthless.”
