by Maine, Miley
His words sink in too deep; I feel them far too much, and I hate the way they make me feel. I shouldn’t believe them, I should never believe anything that Ronnie says to me, but I’m vulnerable and hurt. And yes, I’m feeling pretty worthless as well...
13
Marc
December 29th
What is going on? I ask myself as I stare outside the window, pining yet again. I feel a bit like an idiot just waiting for my beautiful next-door neighbor to appear where I can see her, but I don’t know what else to do. Things were so amazing over the Christmas period, I thought that we both were really heading somewhere, but then she went back home, and I haven’t heard from her since. I’ve tried texting her a couple of times but haven’t heard anything back, and I’m too afraid to push her away to just go around there already.
The problem is she has been quite prickly with me up until recently, but I’ve been able to see how much she likes me underneath. Now though, things have happened between us, and I don’t know how far to push her without making things weird.
“Just stop it,” I tell myself seriously. “Stop freaking out. It’s going to be fine. You are getting all twisted up and forgetting that Aisha has her own life as well, and her own things going on. She probably just needs time to deal with it.”
I wish I could be this cold, I honestly do wish that I could just get back on with my business and forget about everything, but I can’t. I can’t even focus on my work that I bought home from the office. I can’t do anything but worry about Aisha and Travis. There isn’t even a school bus for me to watch until after the new year. I really don’t think I’ll be able to wait that long. I’m already dying inside.
“Get some emails answered at least,” I try because at least that will be easy and purposeful for me. Something for me to take my mind off everything. But I can’t even manage to make that happen. I can’t even think about sitting at my computer with my mind all twisted up like this. I can’t do anything.
“Okay, then just go over there already.” I shrug my shoulders as if it’s obvious. “Just go in and check on her. It isn’t weird for you to do that. You have a thing going on, it’s fine. It won’t push her away.”
So why am I so scared that it will? Why am I so afraid that she’s going to reject me if I go over there? Maybe it is silly, but she is already so important to me, I’m so attached to her. I don’t want to do anything wrong and lose her when I feel like things are so fragile.
So, I’m left with a choice. Do I follow my head and do what I should even when I can’t get on with my work? Or do I follow my heart and risk everything? Both options leave me paralyzed, there isn’t either that feels easier. But I really need to pick before I lose my damn mind. I have to make a decision and stick to it no matter what...
“Screw it,” I practically growl as I finally make a decision. My heart is going to win out, I just know it. There is no way I can even attempt to work when my head is next door. Even if it does risk everything I have to go and see her. “Come on, man up.”
The journey to Aisha’s house is only a few steps, but it feels endless as I do it. Each step is heavy and full of weight, terrifying to make. But of course, I make it eventually, there is no fear in the world to hold me back.
I knock quickly before the fear can overtake me, and I hear a scuffling behind the front door before someone opens it. It means Aisha is in and hasn’t run off like I feared she might have done. Although I have to admit, I don’t know what that means...
“Oh, Marc.” She gives me a bit of a strange look which I don’t know how to take. I really hope this isn’t a bad sign. “Sorry, I know I haven’t been in touch, it’s been a bit of a mad time...”
“I see.” I’m just trying to make things easier for her. “Is there anything I can help with?”
“No, thank you.” She shuts me down far too quickly. That makes me suspicious. “I can handle it...”
“Are you sure?” I narrow my eyes curiously at her. “Because even if you just need to talk about it, I can be here for you...”
“I...” She grips on to the door frame so tightly her knuckles turn a funny shade of white. “I don’t think this is something I can talk about. I just need to get sorted that’s all. I just need some time...”
“Marc!” Thankfully, Travis hears me and comes to greet me which gives me more time with them. “Come in and see what I have done with my cars. I made them a garage to play with. You will like it...”
“You did? That sounds amazing.”
I allow him to drag me through the house even though I’m not sure what Aisha thinks about this. She is up tight and irritated with me right now, but I’m sure she will calm down as she always does. She just needs time and that’s what Travis has given us. He doesn’t know it yet, but he has basically saved us for the moment. He has made sure it isn’t too awkward for us to speak.
Not knowing what is upsetting her is a bit much for me, but I’m willing to be patient and to see when she is ready to talk to me. Even if it means I will have to weather whatever mood she’s going through right now. At least I have Travis to play with and to distract us both from the tension. He really is saving us right now...
* * *
“I’m sorry for staying too long,” I tell Aisha just before I leave. “I just got so carried away playing with Travis and the cars.”
“No, it’s fine,” she replies flatly. “I understand. I know how much Travis likes having you around. But I really do have to get on now, I have to get things sorted...”
I should hold back, I shouldn’t say anything, but I can’t help myself. Something has snapped inside of me and I can’t switch it back off, nor can I dial it down.
“What’s going on, Aisha? Please tell me. I want to be able to help you.”
Immediately she stiffens up once more and her body language shuts me out completely. “I don’t need your help, Marc. I don’t want your help. This is something I need to do my own.”
“But you don’t have to do things on your own,” I insist. “I’m here for you...”
“I don’t need someone like you to be here for me.” Oh, God. I didn’t mean to, but I have really set her off. That was never my intention, I just wanted her to open up to me a little bit. “I don’t need anyone. I have done this on my own for so long, I don’t need you to step in and be the hero all the time.”
“That isn’t what I’m trying to do...”
“Life just comes easy for you, doesn’t it?” she snaps, completely ignoring me. “I don’t know anyone who can just buy a diamond necklace for someone that they have just met. Someone that they have just started dating. And toys for Travis as well. You might have had struggles in the past, but even when you were a child you didn’t really experience it like I am right now. I can’t afford to buy anything, and you are just flashing the cash like crazy.”
My eyes pop open wide, nearly out of my head, because I don’t understand this. I don’t know what to say, I can’t fathom what I have done wrong, I thought we were on good terms I knew that she was a bit hesitant when I first gave her the diamond necklace, but she’s had it on her neck ever since. I thought she loved it, I thought she understood...
“In fact, I don’t want it anymore. You can take it back.” She hooks her hands around her neck and unfortunately takes the necklace off, breaking my heart in two as she does. “I can’t prance around with this necklace around me when it doesn’t suit my lifestyle at all. It’s too much. I told you that it’s too much at the beginning, but you wouldn’t hear it. You’re going to have to hear it now. Take it.” She takes it angry at me. “Take it, will you? I don’t want to throw it in the trash...”
“Don’t do that,” I almost yell. “I don’t want you to chuck it away. I bought it for you. If you don’t want it then why don’t you sell it...”
“You just don’t get it at all, do you?” Everything I say seems to wind her up. “This is why I can’t have a conversation with you. Because you don’t understan
d. Please just leave. Let me sort my life out. Take that necklace and get the hell away from me.”
“No.” Immediately, I refuse. I’m not going to be pushed out just yet. It took every ounce of my inner strength to get here. “No, I won’t go. I want to talk to you, I want to spend time with you, I want to know what’s happening. I thought that you and me had something going on, I want to continue on down that road because I like you. I like you so much, Aisha, and I’m scared of losing you.”
I have put a lot on the line here, I have expressed more of my opinions than I wanted to, but she needs to know. Right now, more than ever, she needs to see how much I want her in my life, so she doesn’t shove me away.
Thankfully, this does seem to cause her to pause for thought for a moment. But not for long enough. It isn’t long before her face transforms from shocked back to furious all over again. I can almost feel her slipping away from me like grains of sand. I can’t keep hold of her no matter how hard I try.
“You can’t lose me. You don’t know me. You never had me. This isn’t... I don’t know what you think, but this isn’t... we aren’t... we can’t...” She doesn’t seem to know what to say. I don’t either. This is all a big mess and it really doesn’t feel like it’s either of our faults. It’s almost like the situation around her is isolating her and she can’t seem to stop it. “You need to go, Marc. I can’t do this right now. I can’t talk to you. Please just leave.”
She’s backing away from me, she’s going, and I don’t have the chance to stop her. I know it isn’t the right thing to do to follow my heart again. She needs me to follow my head, so as much as I really don’t want to leave, I don’t have any choice.
I edge myself out of the door, knowing that somehow, I have made things a million times worse. All I wanted to do is talk, I just want her to tell me her problems. I know this is money related, it has to be, doesn’t it? I could help out with that and she knows it. I know she has her own pride and she feels hurt to ask me, but aren’t our feelings for one another more important? She knows I am an open person for her to ask anything. This actually hurts a lot. I feel empty and hollow, lost as I head back home, like I have lost her forever...
14
Aisha
December 30th
“Please!” I actually clap my hands together in desperation as I stare at my landlord. “Please, I know that I haven’t been the best tenant, but just hear me out first. If you could listen to my situation...”
“I don’t want to hear your sob story.” He has been ice cold with me ever since I first stepped into his office for this meeting. I planned out everything I was going to say, but it’s all gone out the window now. “I have heard it a million times before and it means nothing. I am trying to run a business here; I’m not creating a charity.”
God, of all the people I have tried to persuade to let me stay in their homes, this is the worst. He really doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. He isn’t interested in listening about my situation at all.
“Please, I have had such a hard time...” I can feel myself about to cry. I really don’t want any tears to fall because I’m pretty sure that those will only make him madder at me than he already is. But I can’t stop them coming. “I will do anything. Please just give me another chance. I will show you that I can be trusted.”
“I don’t know if you can see it or not, but I have already given you a chance. Multiple chances actually. As you can see from the list that I sent you, there have been many months where you haven’t paid, and I have let you off. I can’t do it anymore. I have a business to run, I need to make money, I can’t let people like you live for free.”
I feel like my heart is about to sink into my shoes. Everything he says makes him angrier and angrier. Every time I try to defend what has happened; he doesn’t want to know. But I need to keep fighting. I can’t stop. I have too much at stake to lose.
“I have a son,” I start in an attempt to calm him down. “I have a child who will be homeless if you kick us out. I don’t know where else to go, I don’t have any other options, I’m completely stuck.” Shit, my face is soaking. I must look like a real idiot. “You can’t put me and my son out on the streets. You have to help us, please. Please help us.”
But he hasn’t softened at all, I can see in his face that he isn’t interested in anything I have to say. My words aren’t getting through to him at all. I don’t know what else I can do. I can’t put Travis through this sort of thing again. I honestly don’t know that even if I handed him all the rent for the next year plus the back payment, he would keep me now. He seems so utterly fuming. Like he wants to tear my head off. I should be scared really, but I’m too desperate for the fear to set in.
“If I can’t stay in your house, then do you know anywhere else I can go? I’ve just sorted out the school payments, my son is settled, this is huge for him because it hasn’t ever happened before...”
“I can’t recommend you to any other landlords because they will tear me apart when they realize that you just don’t pay rent.” God, he’s so cold and heartless. “And the issues with schooling are yours, and yours alone. I don’t know what you expect me to do about that. If you had paid your rent then you wouldn’t be in that situation, would you?” He cocks a knowing eyebrow at me. “I am not here to fix your problems. I’m here to be your landlord. Or at least I was, not anymore. I can’t do this with you now. I need you to leave my office and start packing. You need to leave the house as quickly as possible.”
Oh God, so now I don’t only have to move, I have to do it soon. Like right now. Coming to this meeting has only made things worse, not better. I hoped that I would come out from it with a positive future, but now it’s even worse. Now I’m even more stuck than I was before.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “I never meant to cause offense, I never meant to cause you any problems. I didn’t mean to fall behind on my rent.” I hang my head low. “I will go now, and I will get packed up and out of your hair.”
The landlord doesn’t say anything as I exit the room. I guess I haven’t pulled at any one of his heart strings. I stuff my hands in to my pockets I practically drag my feet along the floor as I head towards the bus stop to go back home...
Or not home anymore. The house where I have been living for the last few months, the home where Travis has been happiest, the place where I finally considered the idea of properly opening up and letting a little bit of romance into my life again.
Oh God, the romance is long gone now. Not that it was running smoothly anyway. I’ve already pushed him out of my life. Still, it’s going to be incredibly sad to say goodbye to him forever. I probably won’t end up doing it, I’ll probably just vanish. Leaving him with only terrible memories of me. It’s a shame, but probably for the best considering my track record. I can’t even get the father of my child to do anything positive for me, never mind anyone else, keeping things to myself was so much easier. I said keep on with that. Fewer people get hurt when everything falls apart. And it always falls apart. There doesn’t seem to be any escaping now no matter what I do...
* * *
“This is going to be hell,” I murmur to myself, over and over again like a mantra. Not exactly a very positive one, but it’s all I can seem to say to myself. It is going to be hell, there isn’t any getting around that. I haven’t ever found myself in a situation this bad before. I mean, where are we even going to go? What can we do? I don’t know if I even have enough to put us up in a motel for very long. A couple of days, maybe, but it won’t be a long-term solution.
Then what? Then where do we go? I really don’t know, and it terrifies the living hell out of me. I can’t have my boy living on the streets. He deserves far better than that, far better than me.
“Would he be better with other parents?” I ask myself sadly. “Would putting him up for adoption be better for him?”
It’s one of the things my parents wanted for me when I refused an abortion, but I was too stubborn t
o hear any of it. I didn’t see the logic in that. I still don’t, I wouldn’t want Travis to be brought up with anyone else, but I suppose if someone else could do a better job for him, could give him a better life, then perhaps it’s something I should have considered...
I can’t now, of course, it’s too late. There is no way that Travis would fit in to another family now, so it’s a pointless thought, but I can’t stop it from circling around in my brain and hating myself for not giving him the best chances in life.
“Shit, what am I going to do?” I don’t have a lot of stuff really, I haven’t had a chance to accumulate much, but when I consider squeezing it all into a motel room, followed by the prospect of dragging it around the streets for the next few months, it feels like a ton. “And I haven’t even got to Travis’s room yet.”
I can’t even begin to imagine what his face will be like when I break the news. This is going to be the worst time. I have had to do it before, but he hasn’t ever been as settled. He hasn’t had close friends and a nice school like he has now.
I collapse on to the bed, panting desperately after trying to shut another suitcase. It’s too full, they all are, but I need to minimize everything as much as I can.
“Don’t cry,” I warn myself. “Don’t you fuck cry again. You have to remain strong. You can’t keep doing this.”
I feel like the landlord has already taken too much from me, has already hurt me in every way possible, I don’t want to give him more. All of my tears are a part of me, and I don’t want to lose anymore.
“Oh, God.” That’s the rumble of the school bus engine. I would recognize it anywhere. That means Travis is home and I really need to gather myself up. I leap up off the bed, brush myself down, and try to catch my breath. I’m not particularly sure I do the best job, but I don’t have any longer to figure it out. I have to get going.
