Our Totally, Ridiculous, Made-Up Christmas Relationship

by Brittainy C. Cherry

  He hops off of the bed and rubs his hands together, emitting some Dr. Evil laugh as he heads out of the room. When he suddenly comes back, he pauses and reaches into his back pocket, pulling out two folded pieces of paper.

  “Oh, also, I ran into your cute little niece—who by the way was fully clothed today—and we had a nice talk about how she thinks you’re her favorite aunt.”

  “I’m her only aunt.”

  “Geez, do you always pay that much attention to all the details? Anyway, we each drew a picture of you.” In his left hand, he holds up the first piece of paper, which is a very colorful drawing of swirlies and weird marks that make no sense whatsoever. In his right hand, I see a drawing of pink stick figures.

  “Let me guess. You made the swirls?”

  His mouth hangs open and he gasps. “How the hell did you know?! Anyway, back to planning the best relationship day ever. Mwhahaha!” He marches off again with his evil laughter.

  He’s so odd.

  I hope he never changes.

  “You’re just in time. Grandma and Mom are in a heated fight over the fact that she brought Tim Faulter to the cabin.” Lisa smiles my way, and I honestly can’t think of the last time we actually spoke without some snarky remarks, but I’m still on my high from Mr. Kayden, so I’ll be civil.

  “Mom’s overreacting.”

  “Mom always overreacts. She wouldn’t be our mother if she didn’t.” Lisa sits on the stool at the island and I have a flashback of Kayden pushing me up against it. My cheeks heat up, yet Lisa doesn’t notice as she starts flipping through the recipe book. “Remember when we took her car out for a drive and crashed into the neighbor’s mailbox when she was filming in Florida?”

  I chuckle. Of course I remember it. Mom still brings it up, about how embarrassed she was that we didn’t tell her, and that she had to find out by seeing it on gossip magazine covers. It turns out that the paparazzi weren’t too far away and caught our drive on camera, tagging Lisa and me as the troubled sisters. “I think we’re still grounded from that.”

  “Yeah, but luckily we only have ten more years left with her disappointed eyes.”

  “Until we crash her next car.”

  Lisa laughs and I can’t help but giggle with her as we relish the memory. I haven’t laughed with my sister in such a long time…

  Moving to the fridge, I open the door and pull out eggs and butter to get started with the baking.

  “How have you been, Jules? You and Richard seem really happy.” Lisa stands on her tiptoes to reach the mixing bowls in the cabinet and my gut whines at her comments.

  The refrigerator hangs open and I rest my hand on the top of the door. “Lisa, I don’t think I’m really at the point where I can do small talk with you.”

  “Right.” She shifts her body around and smiles a sad grin my way. “I’m sorry. I just…Do you think we’ll ever get to that point?”

  `”I don’t know. But…” I bend down, look into the fridge, and pull out a big jug, placing it on the counter. Grabbing two glasses, I turn to Lisa and give her a halfway grin. “Dad made his spiked apple cider. And I am at the point where I can get drunk with you if you want while we bake an absurd amount of cookies that no one ever really eats.”

  I pour two large glasses of Dad’s Christmas ‘punch,’ which has been known to make you forget the rest of the day, and slide one over to Lisa. In the past, I would have said something snotty to her when she approached me asking how I was. Probably something like, ‘I was fine until you stole my boyfriend’ or ‘Doing great. How’s sex with my ex?’ But this time, I wanted to do something different. I remember that Kayden told me to do the opposite of what I used to do in order to be able to move on.

  I want to move on from this, and if that starts with getting drunk with Lisa, then it starts with getting drunk with Lisa.

  Holding my glass up, I tap it against Lisa’s. “To drunk dysfunctional families.”

  “Hear, hear.”

  Mom comes hurrying into the kitchen in a frenzy, her hair all messy. “Mom, drop it! I’m not going to keep talking about this!” She sighs, and Grandma enters right behind her.

  “Tina, you answer me when I’m talking to you! Why on earth is it such an issue to have Tim here?!”

  “He’s not a good person. That’s all I’m saying. Look, Mom, I get it. You’re lonely ever since Dad passed away. But you can’t keep going around hooking up with these creeps just because you miss Daddy.”

  Grandma laughs a deep-throated chuckle, grabs the glass out of my hand and downs it, slamming it back against the island. “Your father, rest his soul, and I hadn’t had sex since you were four years old. I haven’t been touched in almost fifty-five years! So if I want to run around like a whore, I will run around like a whore and not be judged by my snob of a daughter who clearly hasn’t gotten any in a very long time. I feel bad for Matt. His poor hand has to be tired by now!”

  “Whatever, Mother. As if you have gotten any. Kissing on a man half your age doesn’t count.”

  “For your information, I got some in the bedroom last night, in front of the fireplace, in the dining room, and right here on top of this island. Twice.”

  My elbows, which are resting on top of said island, slowly retreat as my early morning gag fest begins to return. By this point, I’m pretty sure Mom is about to flip the hell out.

  “You’re disgusting. I can’t even talk to you when you’re like this. Do you always have to be so…” Mom huffs and puffs and tosses her arms around, kicking invisible stones, looking like a crazed woman. “Ugh!” Wow, Grandma makes her feel exactly how Mom makes me feel. It must be genetic.

  “Tim told me about how you hit on him way back when you and Matt were on a break. How he wasn’t interested. Does it hurt your feelings that he chose me? Honey, you two never even knew each other.”

  Mom hit on Tim, who’s now dating Grandma? Mom and Dad were on a break?!

  “I hit on him? Is that what he told you? Why Tim Faulter, anyway? Did you ever stop to think why a Hollywood sex god would be interested in an old fart like you?” Wow, I wonder if Mom knows how bitchy she sounded in that moment. Grandma’s face drops into a hurt expression for a moment. When the look dissipates, so does Grandma, leaving the room.

  Mom rakes her fingers through her hair, doesn’t even look toward Lisa and me, as if she hadn’t even noticed we were there in the first place, and she storms off toward Grandma. “Mom! I didn’t mean it like that!”

  Lisa and my eyes meet, and the blank expressions on our faces explain exactly how we feel about this awkward situation. “More apple cider?” I offer, and she holds up her glass as I pour us both a refill, this time to the rim.

  “You sure you can handle that axe?” Danny chides, watching me stand in front of the tree I chose for Jules and me to decorate later that night. Ever since we arrived to the tree lot, I’ve felt Danny’s eyes following me like a weird-ass creep.

  “I got it,” I smirk while trying my best not to roll my eyes at the idiot who let Jules get away. Oscar winner or not, he’s still an idiot. When I raise the axe to begin hacking at the tree trunk, I sigh in annoyance when he comments on my technique.

  “You’re going to put out your back.”

  “I’m not.”

  “The way you’re swinging that thing around, I bet you fifty bucks you put your back out.”

  He’s baiting me, and I can tell he’s intimated. “It’s killing you, Danny. Isn’t it?” I start hacking away at the tree, strike after strike pretending that it’s Danny’s head. “Seeing Jules happy? Seeing that she didn’t need you to be happy? You probably thought she was some weak girl who would walk around for the rest of her life, crying for you to love her. It must piss you off—”

  Whack. Whack. Whack.

  “—so much that she doesn’t need you or want you anymore. She’s free of your bullshit.” I look up to him staring at me. “Free of your fucked up bullshit.”

  He laughs. “You think you know Julie aft
er dating her for what, six months or some crap like that? I had her for three years. Last night she told me she still loved me, you prick. So if you think that Julie is anywhere close to falling for your bullshit lies, think again. She’s not over me, and she never will be. I mean, she’s dumb, but not that dumb.”

  The axe drops and I’m standing in front of the short dick in less than a second. “Don’t ever talk about her like that.”

  He keeps laughing, taking some pride in my revved-up annoyance. “Mr. Accountant, take it easy. You and I both know Jules isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.”

  My hands ball into fists, and my heart rate skyrockets. My blood is boiling and my body is shaking because I know if he doesn’t take it back I will be forced to knock the asshole out.

  “What?” he says, stepping back from me. “You going to kick my ass?”

  Damn straight I’m going to kick his ass.

  “Richard, please. You don’t want to fight me. If you do, you might end up in a hospital bed.”

  “Put me in a hospital bed. Please, do it. Because if I’m in a hospital bed, then that means your ass is in a body bag.”

  Then it gets weird. Like, really fucking weird. Danny jumps back, and poses in some kind of odd cat stance. “Listen, fucker. I’ve taken tai chi for over five years. I almost have a black belt in karate, and I am known to be a lethal weapon to small villages.”

  I pause, relaxing my fingers. “Did you just use a quote from The Neverlanders?”

  He drops his weird pose and rests his hands on his waist. “No shit. You saw that film?”

  “Of course I saw it, asshole. All of America saw it.”

  “Actually it was an internationally acclaimed movie. Many more people outside of America saw it and—” He’s quick to shut up the second my fist makes contact with his face. The blood starts trickling from his nose and his hands shoot to his face. “What the fuck, Richard?! You actually hit me?! Are you a fucking wild man?! Jesus! Have you ever heard of talking things out?!” He’s whimpering like a little bitch, and I get a small dose of pleasure from it.

  “Don’t ever say anything negative about Jules again. Got it?” Picking up my axe, I go back to chopping down my tree.

  “Fine. Jeez. What kind of an accountant are you anyway? I’m an actor! This face is my income!” he shouts, wiping the blood away from his nose.

  When the tree falls, Matt walks up to us and smiles. “That’s a nice tree you got, Richard. Looks like Danny’s tree might have a little competition.”

  I turn to Matt and grin. Out of everyone so far, he’s the most normal. “Thanks. I think Jules will love it,” I say back to him. Danny narrows his eyes at me, and looking like a sad kid who just lost a fight, he walks off toward the truck.

  Matt moves over to the end of the tree and begins to lift it up as I lift the other side. “I don’t know if you know this, but Jules is a fantastic actress. One of the best out there, and she was about to have her breakthrough moment a few years ago, I know it. After what happened with Lisa and Danny, she walked away from it all, claiming that Hollywood was responsible for the two of them betraying her. I can’t exactly say what made Danny and Lisa do what they did. And I could never imagine what Jules is going through, but when you look at her, it’s as if she forgets those two. She forgets everyone.” He pauses, setting the tree back down in the snow. I drop my side too and listen to him continue speaking.

  “I wish she would remember how much she loved the craft and give it another chance.”

  “Have you ever tried talking to Jules about the Lisa and Danny situation?”

  A short smile appears on his face followed by a shrug. “How do I even approach the issue without it seeming like I’m taking sides? I love both of my daughters more than life itself, and a part of me dies every time Jules refuses to come home because they can’t stand being in the same room together.”

  I nod in understanding; it has to be tricky ground to walk on. “No offense, Matt, but did you ever think that by not saying anything it appears you have chosen a side? And that side isn’t in Jules’s favor.”

  Crestfallen, his face reveals his understanding of this sudden realization. “She thinks I chose Lisa over her?” His hands fly to the back of his head, and he marches around in the snow, cursing under his breath. When he turns to face me, his blue eyes are brimming over with tears. “How do I fix it? I wouldn’t even know what to say, where to begin.”

  I bend down and lift the tree trunk back up. “Don’t worry, Matt. I’ll help you figure something out. You’re an actor, a damn good one, too. So we’ll do what you do best. We’ll rehearse until we get it right.”

  Matt bends down, picking up the other side of the tree and lifts it up. “Thank you for finding Jules. Thank you for seeing what I somehow missed.”

  “I’m wasted,” Jules says, spinning around and stumbling toward me when I walk into the kitchen after pulling all four Christmas trees into the cabin with the guys. She’s giggling like a school girl with her sister Lisa, and I swear I somehow entered the Twilight Zone.

  “You are, aren’t you?” I say to Ms. Drunk Girl.

  She wiggles her nose and nods. “And we made cookies!” There are at least three trays of burnt cookies, and she bites into one of them. “They’re burnt because I can’t cook, not because I’m drunk.”

  “It’s true. She’s a terrible cook.”

  “Says the girl who slept with my ex-boyfriend!” Jules screams, and the room fills with an awkward silence until the girls start cracking up in a laughing fit.

  “How much did you two drink exactly?” I ask, rubbing Jules’s shoulders. I don’t really need to ask, because I can spell the rum on her breath.

  “Enough to make it possible to stay in the same room together,” Lisa says, eating the burnt cookies. “Enough to kind of feel like sisters.”

  “Well,” I sigh, “keep drinking.”

  Jules’s laughs fade away when Danny walks into the room and kisses Lisa. Her eyes change from the playful drunk to the saddened one, and I pull her arm toward me.

  “You’re fine.” I whisper and she snuggles against me, still looking at them.

  “I’m fine,” She turns toward me and gives me a smile, “I’m going to go shower, try to sober up a bit. I’ll see you later to decorate the tree?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  I hate this, I hate that she’s hurting and there’s no way to make it better. There has to be something, anything I can do to make it better.

  I was wrong when I said Matt was the most normal of the Stone family—he’s not. He’s just as screwed up as the rest.

  “Mr. Stone,” I say, clearing my throat as I sit in his office, and he paces back and forth in the closed off room.

  “Matt. Call me Matt.” He keeps pacing, rubbing his chin, and my eyes fall to the ground. This family is really making it easier to respect my own.

  “Right, Matt. Uh, we don’t have to look at this as a real rehearsal or anything.” My eyes move as fast as they can to meet his. “You don’t have to rehearse this naked.” The fact that I’ve seen Matt naked before I’ve seen Jules’s body is all kinds of fucked up. I have no words for the level of discomfort soaring through my veins.

  His hands land on his hips as he stands in front of his desk, and all I want to do is vomit for the next fifty years. “I do my best brainstorming naked. I need my best brainstorming for this. Besides, people were born naked. Why is it that society acts like it isn’t normal? Anyway, let’s get started.” He pulls his desk chair around toward me and crosses his legs.

  I was wrong again. I want to vomit for the next one hundred years.

  “I’ve been playing the words over and over in my head, and I think I figured it out. So in this scene, I want you to be Jules, all right?” His eyes are locked with mine, which is fine because I have no desire to look anywhere else.

  “Okay.”

  He rubs his hands across his thighs and then reaches to hold my hands. Fuck my life. “Juli
e Anne Stone. You’re my everything and I realize I haven’t been there for you the way I should’ve. I’ve let you down when you needed me the most. There’s this weird thing that happens in life where people become so terrified of the outcome that they choose to not speak up on the matter. They don’t stand up for those who have been silenced. I should have stood up for you.

  “I should have held you close, and even though I couldn’t have made things better for you, I should have let you know you were not alone. I can’t say I understand what your younger sister did, and I will never try to justify it. I can’t say I support her choices, but I can say I love you both equally, fully, and unconditionally.” Matt’s hand lands on my cheek, and I can’t help but be so spellbound by his speech, by his words, that I completely forget he’s naked. I forget that I’m Kayden. I forget everything but the words he’s speaking. He’s not only saying the words. He’s feeling them. Matt Stone is a fan-fucking-tastic actor.

  Next, he moves my hands over his heart and continues his speech. “You’re my heart, and I just need you to start beating again.”

  Fuck it, I’m crying. Yup, I’m crying, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Those were some beautiful words right there.

  “What the hell is going on?!” The door swings open, and Matt and I turn toward it to find Jules standing there with the most extreme expression of ‘what the fuck’ plastered on her face. Quickly I yank my hands away from Matt’s chest and stand up.

  “Oh my God. Jules, it’s not—”

  Matt stands up and gestures toward Jules, who turns away. “Jesus, Dad! Put on your pants!” she screeches, covering her eyes. Moving over to her, I go to touch her and she jumps. She gives me a stern look and points her finger at me. “I get it. Dad rehearses naked. It’s a weird norm around here. But what I need you to do right now…what I really need you to do is to go wash your hands before you touch me.”