All-Nighters

by Meredith Taylor

  After pouring Luke a second glass of wine, Martin sat down next to him on the couch and put his arm around Luke’s neck. “You’re crazy attractive. Has anyone ever told you that? What am I saying? You probably hear that all the time!”

  Luke smiled flirtatiously: “It’s still nice hearing it from you.” He moved in closer to Martin, enjoying the feeling of someone’s arm around him, and doing his best to ignore the strong smell of cologne.

  Martin bent in and kissed Luke deeply. The kiss was mesmerizing. Martin had a technique that was sensual and soft, and Luke was hooked. Luke ran his hand all along Martin’s body, starting at his chest and moving it down Martin’s side to finally land on his leg. They continued to kiss passionately until Martin said, “Why don’t we take this to the bedroom?”

  Martin stood up in front of Luke and reached out his hand. Luke took Martin’s hand and got up to follow Martin to the dimly lit bedroom. Luke stumbled into the bed when they got there, his head filled with the strong, masculine smells of Martin and the room around him. Martin joined Luke on the bed, and ran his fingers through Luke’s hair and kissed his neck gently. Luke’s body was in ecstasy. But his mind was somewhere else. All he could think of was the kiss he had shared with Jesse. He imagined that it was Jesse with him there, on that bed, their bodies pressed together, the soft and hard of the man he felt so strongly for pushing up against him. Luke started to unbutton his shirt, and realized that his eyes were closed. He opened them to see Martin staring back at him, and he was knocked out of his reverie. Martin’s phone began to ring and he rolled his eyes. “Let me just check who it is, okay?” Martin said. He got up to find his phone on his nightstand and groaned as he saw the number displayed on his screen.

  “Who is it? Your mom?” Luke asked jokingly, noticing Martin’s annoyance.

  “Worse,” Martin said, “It’s this guy who I kind of had a thing with a while back. We hung out a bit recently and now he’s telling me all about his problems. He’s going through something right now that I don’t have the energy for.” Martin turned his phone on silent and let the call go to voicemail. “Now, where were we?” He jumped back in the bed next to Luke and resumed kissing him enthusiastically.

  Martin kicked off his shoes and bent over to remove Luke’s shirt completely. He ran his hand along Luke’s torso with its fine hairs, finding the scar there. “There’s a story here, right?” Martin said, but seemed to lose interest and resumed kissing Luke.

  Luke turned around and pounced on top of Martin, straddling his waist and pinning his hands to the bed. Martin gave an excited giggle. Luke began to kiss Martin’s neck and shoulders. Again, he pictured Jesse there with him, kissing Jesse the way he was kissing Martin. Luke’s head was spinning in arousal. He tasted the saltiness of Martin’s skin and began to whisper a name, but as he said it the doorbell rang.

  “Ugh!” Martin called out, squirming out from underneath Luke. “It’s probably that guy I told you about. He knows I’m home because the alarm isn’t on, so I’d better just go and get rid of him. Can you do me a favor and just hang tight here, quietly? I don’t need him knowing that you’re here.” Martin got up and began dressing himself. His expression seemed nervous.

  “Who is he?” Luke asked. “Your boyfriend or something?”

  Martin avoided looking at Luke and answered, “Um… not really boyfriend. Well, kind of, I guess. Just please don’t make a sound.”

  Luke laughed. “You should’ve told me you had a boyfriend. I don’t judge, but I just like to know these kinds of things. I don’t like being the other man.”

  “Shhh!” Martin said, holding his finger to his mouth. “He’ll hear you. I’ll be right back, okay. Just chill.” Martin left Luke alone in the room and went to answer the door. Luke could hear mumbling from the next room. He was not in the mood for drama, so he found his clothes and began dressing himself. He slowly crept to the bedroom door to listen out for when Martin’s boyfriend left so that he could just slip away. Martin was cute, but he was not worth the effort.

  Luke put his ear to the door and he could hear the voices more clearly.

  “Why didn’t you answer your phone, Martin? I tried calling you a few times today. I needed you.”

  “I was sleeping. I think I might be coming down with something. This weather has been up and down lately, you know?”

  “You don’t look like you’ve been sleeping. You’re wearing that much cologne just to go to bed?”

  Luke’s eyes went wide. He recognized that voice. A million thoughts ran through his head at the same time. His heart was ready to pound out of his chest. Luke looked around the room for another escape route. He went to the small en suite bathroom and saw that the window might have been big enough for him to squeeze through. But he had forgotten something: his jacket and scarf were still on the coatrack next to the front door. Luke crept back to the bedroom door, hoping that the matter would resolve quickly and he could get the hell out of there.

  Luke listened again for the voices through the door: “You said you had changed, but you’re really just the same, aren’t you? You just needed me to say yes to dating you and you’re already bored! Is there someone here right now? Did I walk in on you while you have another guy in your bed?”

  “Jesse, don’t be paranoid,” Martin said. Luke’s suspicions were confirmed, and he felt like he was about to be sick: Martin was the guy Jesse was seeing. What had Luke done? There was no way that Jesse would ever forgive him, even though he had no idea that Martin was Jesse’s Martin.

  Luke heard Jesse’s voice again: “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I’m stupid? I can see the wine glasses! And what is that? Soufflé? Who do you have back there, Martin? At least let me see it with my own eyes so I can move on for good!”

  Silence descended in the living room, and Luke thought for a second that Jesse might have just left in anger. But after a few moments, Luke heard Jesse’s voice again, this time sounding much softer and more hurt: “I know that jacket… But it… I… He wouldn’t do that to me…”

  Luke knew that nothing would be worse for him and more hurtful for Jesse than continuing to hide in the bedroom or escaping through the window. It would be an even worse betrayal to run away like a coward at that moment. He opened the bedroom door and walked out, his face warm and contracted into a shamed grimace. He could hardly breathe from fear. He stood there facing Jesse and Martin. Martin called out: “What are you doing, Luke? I told you to stay in the room!”

  That moment, looking into Jesse’s face, instantly broke Luke’s heart. He saw the sheer disappointment, disgust, confusion and anger in Jesse’s eyes. He saw the expression change, the eyebrows narrow as if to ask: “You?” They stood staring at each other for a few tense seconds, and Luke finally said: “I didn’t know, Jesse. I just met him a few nights ago. He never told me he even had a boyfriend. If I had known…”

  Martin chimed in with: “Listen, we’re all adults here. Let’s just be rational and not make a big deal out of this.”

  At that, Jesse was out the door.

  Luke ran out after him, calling Jesse’s name, but he was too late. Jesse was in his car and gone before Luke could even reach him. Luke stood there in the cold, thinking about what Jesse had told him before about how he could never trust anyone. Luke had permanently destroyed any chance that he had for making Jesse trust him again. Martin came strolling out after Luke, looking exhilarated: “That was unlucky, eh? Such drama! I’m glad it’s over now. Do you want to come back inside?”

  Luke had no words for him, and just buzzed himself out of the main gate to order a car home through an app on his phone. He couldn’t even stomach going back into Martin’s flat to get his jacket and scarf.

  Chapter 19

  “I knew what Martin was doing. All of the signs were there, just like before. Ignoring my calls, acting distant. He just wanted to get back to me so that I could feed his ego, and then he immediately wanted to see how far he could go behind my back. I should’ve listened to you, P
hillip.” Jesse was hysterical on the phone as he arrived at home after finding Martin cheating on him with Luke. He had called Phillip and told him everything, needing someone to vent his pain and frustration to. “The worst part was finding Luke there. I was starting to convince myself that Luke was a decent guy, that he really cared about me. He went out of his way to be nice to me. He stayed with me at the vet when I was waiting to find out what was wrong with Scampers. He was so attentive and kind. And then to do this to me… I can’t even look at him anymore. There’s just no way back from this.” Jesse sat on the edge of his couch rubbing his hand on his knee furiously. He was barely managing to hold off tears.

  Phillip responded: “I’m so sorry, Jesse. I’m glad about one thing: Martin is out of your life for good now. Did he even seem sorry about what he was doing to you?”

  “He didn’t even try to stop me when I rushed off, or to explain anything. Not that I would’ve listened, but I at least wanted him to t-t-try. I should’ve never trusted him again. He did this to me countless times when we were dating before. But why Luke, of all people? Why would he do this to me?” Jesse took a deep, exasperated breath.

  Phillip’s tone was measured and stern like a schoolteacher’s when he spoke again: “Listen Jesse, did Luke know that you were dating Martin? Did he do this to deliberately hurt you?”

  Jesse bit his lip and thought for a second: “I never told him. I don’t know if Martin told him about me. He seemed just as surprised to see me as I was to see him.”

  “Then you can’t blame Luke for this. He didn’t mean to hurt you. Martin is the one who cheated on you, again! And you said Luke followed you out as you left?”

  “He tried to catch up to me,” Jesse admitted. “But I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to see him again. Our presentation is in a week, we’ve done so much work together, but I just don’t know how I’ll be able to be in the same room as him ever again.”

  Phillip’s schoolteacher voice came through the phone’s speaker again: “Listen Jesse, I’ve seen the way you’ve been speaking about Luke for the past few weeks. Even when you told me that you were getting back together with Martin, you spent most of your time talking about Luke. We both know what’s been happening. I think you at least should talk to him, hear his side of the story. Believe me, I was ready to hate him at the start. I was ready to write him off when he treated you so badly that first night. But I’ve seen the way the two of you look at each other. I’ve seen how you come alive when you talk about him. I think, for him at least, this was an honest mistake. Martin doesn’t deserve another second of your time, but Luke, at least, deserves a conversation.”

  Jesse was quiet for a few seconds, thinking about what Phillip was saying to him. He had never really wanted to admit the feelings that were developing for Luke. He didn’t want to confront it, because he knew that Luke wasn’t ready to have the type of relationship that Jesse wanted. How could he be ready? He had suffered through so much in his life already. Jesse had seen those pictures in Luke’s drawer, how happy he was with Barend. Losing a love like that… it was enough to change someone forever. How could Jesse be so arrogant as to think that Luke would suddenly want to start something serious with him?

  “Phillip, I just… Thinking about what happened in that room makes me sick. Thinking about Luke and Martin together… I just can’t get past it. I had just started to trust Luke. Even if he didn’t mean to hurt me like this, I can’t look past what happened. I have much more important things to worry about now. Scampers is sick. I might lose him. I have the assignment due in a week. I just need to put it all out of my head for good. Forget about both of them. They can have each other, for all I care!”

  A light rain had begun to fall outside. Jesse watched the raindrops tap against the window as Phillip responded: “Get some sleep, Jesse. I’ll be over in the morning and I’ll bring you some comfort food. We will get through this together, okay?”

  Jesse’s doorbell rang, startling him. He said to Phillip: “Thanks. I have to go. It sounds like someone’s here.”

  “At this time of night? If it’s Martin, don’t answer it, okay? Just ignore him.”

  “Bye, Phillip,” Jesse said as he tossed the phone aside and went to the door. He breathed deeply before looking through the peephole. On his doorstep stood Luke, wearing a t-shirt in the rain, his hair and clothes wet. Luke held his arms across his chest and was shivering as he tried to rub warmth back into his body. “What are you doing here?” Jesse shouted through the door.

  “I just want to explain, Jesse. You have no idea how sorry I am. I couldn’t go home without talking to you. I wish I could take back this night. I would do anything… I’m so sorry. I understand if you don’t want to see me, but I just needed to say that.”

  Luke’s usually pink lips were turning purple from the cold and water was dripping down his shirt. Jesse wanted to chase him away, but he felt sorry for Luke seeing him like that and opened the door reluctantly. “Come in and wait by the door. I’ll get you a towel.”

  Luke stepped inside without a word, shivering violently. He looked at Jesse with remorse and humiliation in his eyes. Jesse maintained his stern expression, and walked to the bathroom to get a dry towel. He went to his bedroom and grabbed the grey pullover that was on his nightstand, and pulled a t-shirt out of his cupboard. Jesse walked back into the lounge and handed the items to Luke. “Dry yourself and get out of those wet clothes. I’ll put on the heater.” Jesse got a small heater from behind his couch and plugged it in, positioning it so that it was facing the couch. Behind him, Luke was slowly undressing. He took off his wet shirt and exposed his lean, pale torso, a slight tuft of hair on his chest. Jesse caught a glimpse of the scar on Luke’s side. Luke watched Jesse, his face still awash with shame. Luke used the towel to dry his hair, leaving it in a fuzzy mess, and then dried his chest and arms before pulling on the t-shirt and pullover.

  “Thanks for letting me in,” Luke said in a small voice. “I know you must want to kill me after seeing that. I just want you to know, first of all, that nothing happened. We didn’t sleep together. We just kissed, I promise. And second of all, I absolutely had no idea that Martin was the guy you were dating. You know that I would never, ever do that to you, Jesse. I would never want to hurt you like that. He told me that he was single. I only found out he had a boyfriend when you knocked on the door tonight. I swear."

  Luke walked over in front of the heater, his slightly wet pants and shoes absorbing the heat. Jesse sat down on the couch across from Luke, sighing. “You could’ve put on a coat before coming all the way out here. What were you thinking? It’s freezing out there.”

  Luke averted his eyes and said, “It was the only thing I could do. I had to come here and see you. I couldn’t live with myself hurting you like that and then not telling you what happened. I need you to know how sorry I am, Jesse. I need you to know that I would never hurt you like that intentionally.”

  “But you did hurt me, Luke. No matter what your intentions were. It’s so typical of you. You want to have fun and do just what you want, and you don’t care about the consequences. That’s what you showed me on that first night, when you treated me like I was just a cheap fling. And since then, the way we’ve been spending so much time together, the way you treated me… You can’t tell me that you didn’t see what was happening. You know that I was developing feelings for you. You made me believe that you were feeling the same way. And then you go and sleep with the first guy who comes along.”

  “That’s not fair!” Luke interjected, fire coming into his eyes. “You were the one who told me that you had a boyfriend. You were the one who tried to push me away. What were you doing today at JJ’s? You treated me like I was the scum of the earth just because I’m going away for a few days. How do you think I was supposed to feel after that?”

  “You’re supposed to stay! When we have such an important assignment, you’re supposed to stick to your responsibilities and not run off on a joyride
with your friends. But what did I really expect? Why did I think that you would be different? No one has ever been there for me when I really needed them. Everyone takes me for granted. Why did I think that you would be different? I grew up in a home where my parents were fighting all the time, and I just wanted to be away from people who disappoint me or treat me like I don’t matter. I thought I could have something real with Martin. At least he needed me, even if it was just to fuel his ego. But people are all the same. They always just look out for themselves.”

  Luke stepped forward towards Jesse and said bluntly: “I’m not Martin, and I’m not your parents! You were just waiting around for me to screw up, and you treated me like I already had even when I was trying to show you that I could be there for you. You pushed me away, Jesse! You never forgave me for that first night. I know I screwed up with Martin, but I had no idea that Martin was the guy you told me about. He didn’t say anything. There was really no way for me to know. I need you to see that I wasn’t out to hurt you.”

  “So just like every other guy he was just a one night stand to you? I hope you didn’t treat Barend that way.”

  Luke stood silently staring at Jesse, his mouth slightly open. Tears were forming in his eyes. He spoke in a terse, angry voice: “You know nothing about him! I know I hurt you but you have no right to talk about him of all people!”

  Jesse felt his cheeks redden, immediately overcome with shame. “I’m sorry Luke. I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry.”

  Luke turned his face away from Jesse. Luke’s voice came between deep sobs: “That first night with you… it was the first time I had felt really close to someone since I lost Barend. When I looked into your eyes… I couldn’t stand how close I felt to you. There was something there that I wasn’t ready for. Something I thought I would never feel again.” Tears rolled down Luke’s cheeks and his eyes were bloodshot. “I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be close to you. But I couldn’t take the pain of loving someone like that again. I’ve been trying to keep my distance, emotionally. I’ve been trying to deny the fact that you’re the first guy I’ve been able to speak to honestly since Barend. You’re the first thing I think about in the morning. I can’t wait to see you. I find any excuse to touch you, to hold your hand. I was ready to move on. But you keep pushing me away. You do things to deliberately hurt me. You try and make sure that I can’t get too close. Why is that?”