The House

by Eugene Field

  XIV

  THE VICTIM OF AN ORDINANCE.

  And now that a plentiful supply of water was provided, it seemed properto celebrate by giving the lawn (poor abused thing!) a deluge of therefreshing element. The exceeding ardor of the sun and the absence ofrain had wrought havoc with the grass and shrubbery. The droughtseemed determined to finish the work of destruction which the workmen,with their picks and spades, had begun. With a joyous heart,therefore, I applied myself to the task of rescuing the faintingvegetation. I borrowed Mr. Tiltman's hose because it was the best andlongest in the neighborhood and was provided with a patent nozzle whichwas so versatile that there was actually no detail in its businesswhich it did not perform in a most masterly way. I shall never forgetthe feeling of exultation with which I stood on that expansive lawn andsprayed the parched grass and drooping shrubbery. I fancied I couldsee the thirsty blades and leaves reach up to drink in the restoringelement. My thoughts while I was thus engaged were similar, I suppose,to those of benevolent men who hasten to the succor of their sufferingfellow-beings. I can imagine that it was with some such inspiringfeelings that relief was borne to Livingstone in Africa and to Greelyin the Arctic Circle. To the good man it is always a pleasure to do anact of magnanimity, and the fact that my considerate regard for ourlawn involved no danger or privation did not serve in the least toabate my satisfaction in the performance of my task.

  While I was thus engaged I observed a stranger coming up the lawntoward me. I bade him a very good morning, but he seemed disinclinedto exchange civilities with me. He was a low-browed, roughish-lookingfellow, and I conceived an immediate dislike for him.

  "You 'll have to give me your name," said he, very gruffly.

  "For what purpose?" I asked, for his tone and manner nettled me.

  "I 'm a detective," said he, exhibiting a silver star on his vestfront, "and I 'm on the trail of you ducks that sprinkle your lawnsafter legal hours. Oh, I 'm onto your racket."

  "Sir," said I, indignantly, "I have made no racket. I am a quiet,law-abiding citizen, and this is my own lawn to do with as I please."

  "Come, now," said he, insolently, "don't give me any funny business.You 're sprinklin' after hours and I 'm going to report you to policeheadquarters. There 's no use of kickin', so you 'd better give meyour name an' save trouble."

  "Sir," I cried, "Reuben Baker is not a name to be ashamed of, and ifyou think that by any of your underhand hocus pocus you can trespass onmy premises and prevent my caring for my own property you are grandlymistaken."

  "You 'll sing a different song to-morrer," said the fellow, and I amsure I heard him chuckling to himself as he walked away.

  Later in the day I learned from neighbor Baylor that I had indeedtransgressed the law by operating the lawn hose at ten o'clock in themorning. It seems that there is an ordinance imposing a fine upon allwho sprinkle their lawns between eight o'clock in the morning and fiveo'clock in the afternoon.

  I declared in very vigorous English that I would never submit to anysuch outrage, and my indignation touched the boiling point when, stilllater in the day, a policeman came to my house and handed me a documentapprising me that I must give a good and sufficient bond for myappearance the next morning before his honor, Justice Fatty, to answerto the charge of having maliciously, etc., defied, disobeyed and brokenthe ordinance, etc. I went at once to seek the counsel of LawyerMiles, for whose legal acumen and forensic eloquence I had harbored theprofoundest veneration ever since I had heard his prosecution of a mannamed Tackleton for causing the death of neighbor Baylor's pet dog. Irecall that on that occasion there was not a dry eye in the court andthat even the defendant himself wept copiously; whereupon the presidingjustice, fearing that he might be unduly influenced by the emotion ofthe auditors, ordered the constable to clear the room of everybody nota party to the cause. At this supreme moment Lawyer Miles, withstreaming eyes and amid choking sobs, cried out: "Mercy, your honor; inthe name of the tenderest and holiest of human considerations I appealfor mercy! Turn out the men-folks if you will, but spare, oh, sparethe women and children."

  Ever since this memorable occasion I have regarded Lawyer Miles as theforemost of living jurists, and it was the most natural thing in theworld that I should determine to confide to him any legal business ofmine that might arise--in which determination I was confirmed by asuspicion that Lawyer Miles never charged his neighbors any fee for hisprofessional services.

  I was not a little surprised when, having heard my story, Lawyer Milescounselled me to plead guilty to the charge and to pay the regulationfine, which together with the costs (so called), amounted to sevendollars and fifty cents. It was in vain that I represented to LawyerMiles the outrage of punishing a man for seeking to beautify hispremises, and thereby to contribute to the comfort and delectation ofthe public generally. Lawyer Miles took the narrow view that theordinance had been violated, and that, therefore, the fine should bepaid. "The ordinance may be an unwise one," said he. "In that eventwe should elect a city council that will repeal it. But so long as thelaw exists it should be enforced."

  The advice of Lawyer Miles, coupled with the tears of Alice, finallyprevailed. Alice fancied that I was in danger of being committed toprison, and she hysterically represented to me the horror of theignominy which would ever thereafter attach to our family name. In onebreath she proposed to send post haste for our pastor, the Rev. Dr.Sungaulus, in the hope that by means of his spiritual ministrations Imight be dissuaded from further defiance of the law; in the next breathshe conjured me by every regard I had for the future of ourchildren--Galileo, Herschel, Fanny, Erasmus, and Josephine--to listento the Voice of Reason. At the mention of Josephine's name I weakened,for, as I have already intimated to you, the innocent babe has acquireda powerful hold upon the tendrils of my heart. In an instant my angerdeparted.

  "It shall be as you say, Alice: I will pay the fine and costs. Butfrom this moment I consecrate my life to the election of councilmenfrom the Twenty-fifth Ward who will repeal that odious ordinance andmake it legal for property-owners to sprinkle their lawns when and howthey please."

  In looking back over the short period of the history of "our house" Ifind no other incident so disagreeable as this one which I have justnarrated. Even at this remote date I cannot refer to it withoutfeeling my gorge rise. By nature I am peaceful, and I am exceedingslow to wrath. But anything that savors of injustice exasperates me tothe degree of frenzy. I am still fixed in my determination to securethe repeal of the ordinance which robbed me of seven dollars and fiftycents and is jeoparding the lives of my lilac bushes, my peonies, mytwin cherry-trees (George and Martha), and my grass. I intend to seethat the matter is brought up at the next quarterly meeting of theBuena Park Benevolent and Protective Citizens' Association, and you candepend upon it that when that association speaks its tones are heardaround the world and go thundering down the ages.

  This affair of mine with the odious ordinance was duly reported in thedaily newspapers through the delectable medium of the column headed"Minor Criminal Items." It did not conduce to my equanimity to see myname catalogued with persons arrested for sneak thievery,pocket-picking, drunkenness, brawling, and mayhem. I never beforesuspected that my friends made a practice of perusing the criminalcalendar, but after the appearance of that disagreeable item in print Ibegan to get letters from old acquaintances condoling with me andasking whether they could be of any service to me in my trouble. Someof these letters must have been dispatched in a spirit of humor, but Isee nothing mirthfull in the association of an honest man's name withcrime, and the people who have sought to poke fun at me in thisunpleasant affair need not be at all surprised if I do not bow to themthe next time we meet.

  Another class of people I have no sympathy with are those who do notrecognize in our purchase of a home a cause for general joy andcongratulation. You may not believe it, but it is nevertheless a factthat within the last two months I have met people and apprised them ofour purchase and they hav
e never so much as expressed even the leastbit of delight. My old friend Slashon Tomsing, who makes considerablepretense to being interested in the public welfare--why, when I met himat the Civic Federation rooms not long ago and began to tell him of ournew home, instead of being swept away (as it were) upon a tidal wave ofrapture, he immediately changed the theme of conversation and asked myopinion of bimetallism. I gave him to understand very distinctly thatthe public was in very poor business if it suffered itself to becomeinterested in bimetallism or in any other ism so long as it had anopportunity to discuss "our new house" as a living, absorbing, andburning theme.

  Another friend, my old and particularly valued friend, Professor Sniff,curator of Mahon's Museum of Marvels--but I'll let that affair pass;for Professor Sniff certainly did not intend to wound my feelings byhis apparent indifference; moreover, he has promised to send me for myprivate collection all the duplicates that occur in section E of hismuseum, which section is devoted exclusively to dried centipedes,tarantulas, and beetles and to Mexican lizards in bottles of alcohol.

  All who have ever engaged in the enterprise of a new house will agreewith me when I say that nothing else wounds one more deeply than theindifference of the rest of humanity to what is nearest and dearest tohis heart. When I walk the street nowadays I actually pity the crowdsof people I see, because, forsooth, they know nothing of the great joyI have acquired in that blessed house. Alice made me take her to heara Mme. Melba in Italian opera last month at the Auditorium. As we cameaway Alice asked: "Was n't it grand?"

  "Yes," I answered, "and yet amid it all I was oppressed by a feeling ofsadness. For, of all the six thousand souls in that splendid building,only you and I, dear Alice, were aware that the old Schmittheimer placehad passed into the possession of the two happiest people on earth."