Leah's Song

by Daphne James Huff

  “He said he’d love to, but is busy that night and whoever does take me is a lucky guy.” She giggled again.

  I took another deep breath, but it did nothing to help my frustration this time.

  “Lilly, you are so ridiculous. I can never come back here, can I?”

  “Oh stop, I was just joking around with him, he knew I wasn’t being serious.”

  She’d never been this bold with him before. As much as we both flirted with him, this was a new level. Josh was still standing near us, his eyes shifting back and forth between the two of us.

  “I should get back to my training,” he said, turning away. “Let me know if you need any help finding anything.”

  It was so painfully awkward checking out with HBG winking at Lilly the whole time. I was trying not to look at Josh, who was looking at Lilly and HBG with a strange expression. Was he jealous? Was that why she’d done it? She could have waited to tell me about asking him out in the car. She didn’t have to tell me in the store. Did she want me to know, or Josh?

  While technically Lilly was following the rules - she wasn’t flirting with Josh, was she? - she definitely wasn’t playing fair. I thought about the kiss though, and the bucket of guilt that was always hanging over my head dumped itself on me. She should do whatever she wanted. I was the big jerk who hadn’t been playing fair.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Of course, Lilly didn’t actually go to the winter formal with HBG. He was in college, after all, and we were high school juniors. We all decided to go as a group: Amanda and Jason (they were the only official couple), Lilly, me, Jeff, and a few other people from band. Winter formal wasn’t quite as fancy as prom, so most people didn’t have a limo or anything.

  Since prom was just for seniors, the winter formal was a dance the seniors put on for the rest of the school. Jenn hadn’t really been involved in planning it, with soccer taking up so much of her time, but she was still going with her group of friends. When my mom asked her about their dates, she said they were all going together, no boys, as a final friend thing. Though I have a feeling it was really because of some inner group drama from last year. I’d overheard her on the phone more than once talking to Erin about it. I had considered asking her advice about the whole kiss thing, but then I remembered her frustratingly unhelpful advice for the solo. I guess I would just have to figure it out for myself.

  I hadn’t really been planning on attending, so I didn’t have a dress until a week before. Most girls got theirs at the after Christmas sales. Now it was weeks later and while the choices would be better, the prices would be sky high. Amanda volunteered to go shopping with me, which I was looking forward to. Between her boyfriend and her job working at Tower Records, I didn’t see her much outside of school.

  When I asked my mom for money for the dress, she sounded surprised.

  “I thought that’s why you babysit, Leah,” she said, not looking up from her newspaper. It was Saturday morning a week before the dance, and Amanda was coming to pick me up to go to the mall soon.

  “But you paid for Jenn’s,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. She didn’t like it when I whined. It seemed to have the opposite effect than when Jenn did it.

  “She had soccer all semester. When was she supposed to get a job?” was the very logical reply I got. I blew out a huff of frustrated air and crossed my arms, deciding to take a stand.

  “I should get the same thing as she does,” I protested. “Otherwise, it’s not fair.”

  “Life isn’t fair, Leah,” she said, calmly turning a page of the paper with a loud rustle. “It’s my job as a parent to teach you that.”

  I wished she would look up from her newspaper. It was like she didn’t even think the argument was all that important. Like she knew she’d win. Which I guess she would, and always would, since she was both a lawyer and the mom.

  “It’s just fifty dollars,” I said. “It’s not a lot of money.”

  “If it’s not a lot of money, then why don’t you have it saved from babysitting?”

  I let out a tiny scream of frustration and stomped out of the room. The babysitting money was for gas for the car, and for clothes that weren’t awful. I knew I should consider myself lucky. They paid for the insurance and maintenance, and I had a clothes allowance. When I had complained back in middle school that it wasn’t enough to buy the clothes I wanted, that’s when I had pushed Lilly to start the Mountain Creek Drive version of The Babysitters Club with me. I had come to Lilly with the problem, and she had the solution. I was tempted to call her now to see what she thought, but she got whatever she wanted out of her parents. My ever-present jealousy that she was an only child reared its ugly head yet again.

  I was grumpy in the car with Amanda the entire ride. I cheered up a bit, however, when we got there and I saw a sale in my favorite store.

  We saw more than a few kids from Rosemark. This was the only major mall close to Marlow Junction. We passed by Jeff and some other band kids, and Amanda said hello.

  “So what’s up with Lilly and Jeff?” I asked when he walked away.

  “I think she likes him, but she’s also using him trying to make Josh jealous,” she said casually.

  “What?” I stopped dead in my tracks. Had Lilly actually said that to Amanda? That was definitely breaking some sort of rule. I thought back to the Blockbuster incident during winter break.

  “Oh, my gosh, that was months ago,” Amanda said, her eyes wide. “I didn’t realize you didn’t know.”

  I shook my head. We had started walking again, and made our way into the store.

  “Josh was at the corn maze, back in October, with a bunch of football guys and their girlfriends. Lilly made this whole show of being all over Jeff whenever he was looking. I remember thinking how obvious she was being, but Jeff thought she was into him.”

  “And the football games, too?” I thought about how she would talk to him, but mostly when Josh would have been able to see.

  “Yeah, it’s a little messed up,” Amanda admitted, holding up a red strapless dress. I shook my head. I wanted straps. No need to risk a wardrobe malfunction. “I think she really does like him.”

  “Josh?” I said. No duh.

  Amanda shook her head.

  “No, Jeff,” she said. “It’s like she can’t decide. But it’s pretty obvious Josh doesn’t like her like that, right?”

  I hesitated. Amanda didn’t know about the agreement I had with Lilly. It seemed so childish; I was embarrassed to bring it up.

  “I dunno,” I said, noncommittally. I spotted a nice green dress that instantly made me think of Josh’s eyes. I picked it up and added it to my pile to try.

  “I think he might like you,” she said, looking at me through the corner of her eyes. I could tell she was fishing for answers. I wanted to give them to her, but how could I know she wouldn’t tell Lilly?

  I shrugged.

  “If he likes me, then why is he taking Madison to the winter formal?”

  Her brows furrowed and she let out a pensive “Hmm,” but didn’t say anything else.

  In the dressing room, the green dress really stood out. It looked amazing with my hair and made my hazel eyes sparkle. When I walked out and Amanda nodded enthusiastically, I knew I had to get it. I’d have to be a little careful with gas money this month, but it was worth it.

  I briefly considered getting another, less flattering dress. I wasn’t sure it was worth it to try to compete with Madison, or even Lilly, at this point. A prickle of annoyance ran through me when I thought of how she’d been trying to get Josh’s attention this whole time. It hadn’t worked; but it still hurt. I took one last look at the way the dress hugged my figure and my mind was made up. If she wasn’t going to play fair, then I wouldn’t either.

  “You look nice,” Luke said, standing at my door as I finished my hair. I knew I would have a ton of frizz as soon as I started dancing and sweating, but at least I could walk in with it looking as nice as possible. I had it slicked do
wn with mousse over one shoulder, drawing the eye down to the neckline of the dress.

  “Thanks,” I said, a little surprised by his random compliment. “What are you up to tonight? No winter formal?”

  He shook his head and laughed.

  “My grades are too low,” he said. “Not that I would ever go to a school dance anyway.”

  “So what are you going to do?” I wanted desperately to help him with his homework, but he’d turned me down every time I’d offered the past few weeks. So I’d stopped asking.

  He shrugged.

  “Nothing. I’m grounded, remember?”

  “Oh, right.”

  I felt a little guilty about that before remembering he was the one who had stolen my bike.

  “Have fun tonight,” he said and turned to go.

  “You too,” I said softly to his retreating figure, not sure if that’s what I really wanted to say. ‘I’m sorry’ maybe would have been better, or ‘you should know better’.

  The doorbell rang as I was putting on the finishing touches to my makeup. It was way more than I usually wore, and I worried it was too much. I could hear my mom opening the door.

  “Come in, Lilly. Oh, don’t you look wonderful.”

  I grimaced. She was being extra nice, trying to make up for the things she said about her mother behind her back. I told Lilly what she said anyway. We told each other everything. Or, at least, we used to.

  I had decided not to ask her about using Jeff and Hot Blockbuster Guy to get Josh’s attention. While it was breaking the spirit of the agreement, I had already actually broken it months ago. She pretty much had a free pass. I wasn’t sure how long her free pass lasted, but my conscience told me it would be until he kissed her. Which I knew would never happen. So, basically, she could do whatever she wanted until the end of time. Though she was already doing that anyway. Would it really change that much if I started making an actual effort on my side? I looked down at my dress. I still wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing, but it was too late to change now.

  I came down the stairs slowly, holding up the edge of my dress so I didn’t trip. It was split in the front, not too high, and the straps were wide, ending in a V in the front and the back. The material was shiny, and sparkly, and exactly the color of Josh’s eyes. It was a far cry from the jeans and funny t-shirts I usually wore. I felt really pretty for once.

  Lilly looked absolutely gorgeous, however. Her blond hair was piled high on her head in elaborate curls, and her dress was a deep midnight blue. The empire waist and tight fit showed off how much ampler her cleavage was than mine, and it stopped right above her knees. Even Luke had come over to see her. She looked at him through narrowed eyes.

  “Let me get a picture of you both,” said my mom, pulling out the digital camera she’d gotten for Christmas.

  Jenn and her friends had already left, and she’d taken about eight hundred pictures of them. So my mom seemed satisfied with just a few of Lilly and me. We said goodnight and bundled up to head into the cold winter night where Lilly’s dad was waiting to drive us. My dad would pick us up.

  Lilly was quiet during the drive to the school. While I didn’t want to ask directly about her attempts to make Josh jealous, I wanted to at least mention Jeff to see if what Amanda had told me was true.

  “Are you excited about seeing Jeff tonight?”

  “Yeah,” she said, a small smile passing across her face before disappearing just as quickly.

  “So you really like him?”

  She shrugged.

  “Lilly, you can’t string a guy along like that. I think he really likes you.”

  “What would you know about it?” Her tone was surprisingly cutting. Her voice was quiet though, and her dad didn’t hear us over the classic rock station he had blaring. “You won’t get good music like this at the dance,” he’d chuckled in response to Lilly’s embarrassed face when we’d gotten into the car.

  “I don’t really know,” I said, clasping my hands underneath my legs. I was starting to feel anxious and didn’t quite know why. I was supposed to be mad at her, wasn’t I? The guilt and anger were fighting it out for dominance in my head. “He just seems really happy whenever I see you two talking.”

  “He’s a happy guy,” she said, turning to look out the window. “He’s like that with everyone.”

  I didn’t know what else to say and kept quiet for the rest of the drive to the school.

  After saying goodbye to her dad, we met up with Amanda and everyone else in the lobby before making our way to the gym. Amanda looked great in her strappy red dress, her short dark hair in intricate braids. I paid close attention to Jeff and his reaction to seeing Lilly. His face lit up. She was more reserved, but still gave him a big smile when she saw his reaction.

  The gym was decorated with white, gold and blue streamers, and paper snowflakes were everywhere. Strings of lights and strategic spotlights replaced the normal bright overhead lights. The effect was pretty, soft, and very wintery. We could almost pretend to be somewhere besides the gym where sweaty athletes shoved each other around.

  I saw Brandon dancing with Melissa. I felt a pang of something I couldn’t identify. Jealousy? Annoyance? He hadn’t started up our lessons again. He said that he didn’t have the time. This was the final push as a senior to make sure he finished strong so the universities he’d been accepted to wouldn’t take back their offers. Jenn was worried about the same thing. Just thinking about college applications next year stressed me out enough. I didn’t want to dwell on the fact they might not let me in at all if my grades tanked halfway through the year.

  I tried to avoid looking for Josh, but it was like my eyes had a mind of their own. I could see him at a table with some football players and their cheerleader dates. It had been naive to think he really liked me enough to wait for me to figure out the Lilly thing. Why would he bother with someone too hung up on not upsetting her best friend when there were tons of beautiful cheerleaders waiting in the wings? The kiss seemed like a distant memory now, and I felt ridiculous now for my choice of dress. I didn’t see why I had put in all this effort when it wouldn’t make a difference.

  We all put down our jackets at a table near the door and went to stand in line to take pictures. Jeff had been talking to Lilly nonstop, and she was smiling and laughing. Had she finally realized, too, how useless our attempts were when faced with the beauty and grace of Madison?

  We placed ourselves in front of the photographer with our backs to the fake snowy mountain backdrop. It looked completely ridiculous to be standing in formalwear in the middle of a snowstorm. This was part of the reason I never went to dances; getting all dressed up to take a silly picture. We all smiled for the camera, and I decided to forget about Josh and just focus on having a good time with my friends.

  As the night went on, I started to feel better. I talked mainly to Amanda and Jason at the table while Lilly was off dancing with Jeff. It was kind of nice to be out, and the music wasn’t too terrible. I danced a few times with everyone in a group and when Amanda insisted just the girls should dance when ‘Wannabe’ came on. It had been one of Lilly’s favorites, and I could see she was enjoying herself, too. She sang along with the words, imitating the choreography we had spent hours perfecting one summer in middle school. We groaned when ‘The Macarena’ came on, however, and decided to sit that one out, along with almost everyone else. The DJ quickly switched to an Usher song.

  My heart still pounding from my time on the dance floor, I headed over to the refreshment table in search of water. I heard a voice behind me and stopped in my tracks.

  “Do you want to dance?”

  I turned to see Josh with a small smile on his face, his eyes taking in my dress.

  “I like that color on you,” he said and held out his hand.

  I didn't know what to say. My mouth seemed to have stopped working as I took in his dark suit and tie. He looked amazing. My eyes flicked over to my table, and I felt the debate rage inside of me.
Lilly seemed happy with Jeff tonight. Josh had probably noticed I wasn’t here with anyone, so he was just being nice. One dance wouldn’t do any harm, would it?

  He correctly interpreted my lack of reply as a ‘yes’, and took my hand to lead me onto the dance floor. I cast a glance over to my table to see Lilly's eyes following us. I wanted to turn my head to see her full reaction. A tiny voice was telling me not to care, but a stronger voice was saying I was a bad friend.

  But then the music started. It was one of my (secret) favorite N’Sync songs, and I slipped my hands around his neck as he put his around my waist. I told both voices to shut up, and I just enjoyed the moment.

  “Are you having fun?” I said, not knowing what else to say after nearly a minute of swaying and looking just past his ear. I could still see his eyes, however, fixed on my face.

  He shrugged, which was weird, because his arms were around me.

  “Madison isn’t a good date?”

  He blushed.

  “She’s okay,” he said, and I finally looked into his eyes.

  “She doesn’t mind you dancing with me?”

  “I don’t care if she does.”

  I swallowed, nervous about the way he was looking at me. Like he wanted to kiss me in front of everyone. Or was that just what I wanted to do?

  I was finding it hard to breathe but couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. The soft lighting was bouncing off of his chiseled features and his green eyes burned into mine. His arms tightened ever so slightly around me, bringing me from a reasonable, friendly distance to close enough to feel his heart beating twice as fast as the music but matching the excited rhythm of my own. He was so close. If only we could just…

  The song ended, and I pushed him back, gently but firmly.

  “Thanks for the dance,” I said, and turned to hurry off before he could say anything else.

  A sinking feeling in my stomach replaced the nervous flutters that had been there seconds before. That had been a mistake. A big one. It had only served to remind me of what I couldn’t have, and of everything I had to lose. As I got back to my table, I saw Lilly’s face crumple before she ran out of the gym.