A Tramp Abroad — Volume 07

by Mark Twain

  A gentleman remarked, one day, that it might have been fine to live inthe castle in the day of its prime, but that we had one advantage whichits vanished inhabitants lacked--the advantage of having a charming ruinto visit and muse over. But that was a hasty idea. Those people had theadvantage of US. They had the fine castle to live in, and they couldcross the Rhine valley and muse over the stately ruin of Trifelsbesides. The Trifels people, in their day, five hundred years ago, couldgo and muse over majestic ruins that have vanished, now, to the laststone. There have always been ruins, no doubt; and there have alwaysbeen pensive people to sigh over them, and asses to scratch upon themtheir names and the important date of their visit. Within a hundredyears after Adam left Eden, the guide probably gave the usual generalflourish with his hand and said: "Place where the animals were named,ladies and gentlemen; place where the tree of the forbidden fruit stood;exact spot where Adam and Eve first met; and here, ladies and gentlemen,adorned and hallowed by the names and addresses of three generations oftourists, we have the crumbling remains of Cain's altar--fine old ruin!"Then, no doubt, he taxed them a shekel apiece and let them go.

  An illumination of Heidelberg Castle is one of the sights of Europe.The Castle's picturesque shape; its commanding situation, midway up thesteep and wooded mountainside; its vast size--these features combine tomake an illumination a most effective spectacle. It is necessarily anexpensive show, and consequently rather infrequent. Therefore wheneverone of these exhibitions is to take place, the news goes about in thepapers and Heidelberg is sure to be full of people on that night. I andmy agent had one of these opportunities, and improved it.

  About half past seven on the appointed evening we crossed the lowerbridge, with some American students, in a pouring rain, and started upthe road which borders the Neunheim side of the river. This roadway wasdensely packed with carriages and foot-passengers; the former of allages, and the latter of all ages and both sexes. This black and solidmass was struggling painfully onward, through the slop, the darkness,and the deluge. We waded along for three-quarters of a mile, and finallytook up a position in an unsheltered beer-garden directly oppositethe Castle. We could not SEE the Castle--or anything else, for thatmatter--but we could dimly discern the outlines of the mountain over theway, through the pervading blackness, and knew whereabouts the Castlewas located. We stood on one of the hundred benches in the garden, underour umbrellas; the other ninety-nine were occupied by standing men andwomen, and they also had umbrellas. All the region round about, and upand down the river-road, was a dense wilderness of humanity hiddenunder an unbroken pavement of carriage tops and umbrellas. Thus we stoodduring two drenching hours. No rain fell on my head, but the convergingwhalebone points of a dozen neighboring umbrellas poured little coolingsteams of water down my neck, and sometimes into my ears, and thus keptme from getting hot and impatient. I had the rheumatism, too, andhad heard that this was good for it. Afterward, however, I was led tobelieve that the water treatment is NOT good for rheumatism. There wereeven little girls in that dreadful place. A man held one in his arms,just in front of me, for as much as an hour, with umbrella-drippingssoaking into her clothing all the time.

  In the circumstances, two hours was a good while for us to have to wait,but when the illumination did at last come, we felt repaid. It cameunexpectedly, of course--things always do, that have been long lookedand longed for. With a perfectly breath-taking suddenness several mastsheaves of varicolored rockets were vomited skyward out of the blackthroats of the Castle towers, accompanied by a thundering crash ofsound, and instantly every detail of the prodigious ruin stood revealedagainst the mountainside and glowing with an almost intolerable splendorof fire and color. For some little time the whole building was ablinding crimson mass, the towers continued to spout thick columns ofrockets aloft, and overhead the sky was radiant with arrowy bolts whichclove their way to the zenith, paused, curved gracefully downward, thenburst into brilliant fountain-sprays of richly colored sparks. The redfires died slowly down, within the Castle, and presently the shell grewnearly black outside; the angry glare that shone out through the brokenarches and innumerable sashless windows, now, reproduced the aspectwhich the Castle must have borne in the old time when the Frenchspoilers saw the monster bonfire which they had made there fading andspoiling toward extinction.

  While we still gazed and enjoyed, the ruin was suddenly enveloped inrolling and rumbling volumes of vaporous green fire; then in dazzlingpurple ones; then a mixture of many colors followed, then drowned thegreat fabric in its blended splendors. Meantime the nearest bridge hadbeen illuminated, and from several rafts anchored in the river, meteorshowers of rockets, Roman candles, bombs, serpents, and Catharine wheelswere being discharged in wasteful profusion into the sky--a marveloussight indeed to a person as little used to such spectacles as I was. Fora while the whole region about us seemed as bright as day, and yet therain was falling in torrents all the time. The evening's entertainmentpresently closed, and we joined the innumerable caravan of half-drownedstrangers, and waded home again.

  The Castle grounds are very ample and very beautiful; and as they joinedthe Hotel grounds, with no fences to climb, but only some nobly shadedstone stairways to descend, we spent a part of nearly every day inidling through their smooth walks and leafy groves. There was anattractive spot among the trees where were a great many wooden tablesand benches; and there one could sit in the shade and pretend to sip athis foamy beaker of beer while he inspected the crowd. I say pretend,because I only pretended to sip, without really sipping. That is thepolite way; but when you are ready to go, you empty the beaker at adraught. There was a brass band, and it furnished excellent music everyafternoon. Sometimes so many people came that every seat was occupied,every table filled. And never a rough in the assemblage--all nicelydressed fathers and mothers, young gentlemen and ladies and children;and plenty of university students and glittering officers; with here andthere a gray professor, or a peaceful old lady with her knitting; andalways a sprinkling of gawky foreigners. Everybody had his glass ofbeer before him, or his cup of coffee, or his bottle of wine, or hishot cutlet and potatoes; young ladies chatted, or fanned themselves, orwrought at their crocheting or embroidering; the students fed sugar totheir dogs, or discussed duels, or illustrated new fencing trickswith their little canes; and everywhere was comfort and enjoyment, andeverywhere peace and good-will to men. The trees were jubilant withbirds, and the paths with rollicking children. One could have a seat inthat place and plenty of music, any afternoon, for about eight cents, ora family ticket for the season for two dollars.

  For a change, when you wanted one, you could stroll to the Castle, andburrow among its dungeons, or climb about its ruined towers, or visitits interior shows--the great Heidelberg Tun, for instance. Everybodyhas heard of the great Heidelberg Tun, and most people have seen it, nodoubt. It is a wine-cask as big as a cottage, and some traditions sayit holds eighteen thousand bottles, and other traditions say it holdseighteen hundred million barrels. I think it likely that one of thesestatements is a mistake, and the other is a lie. However, the merematter of capacity is a thing of no sort of consequence, since the caskis empty, and indeed has always been empty, history says. An empty caskthe size of a cathedral could excite but little emotion in me.

  I do not see any wisdom in building a monster cask to hoard up emptinessin, when you can get a better quality, outside, any day, free ofexpense. What could this cask have been built for? The more one studiesover that, the more uncertain and unhappy he becomes. Some historianssay that thirty couples, some say thirty thousand couples, can dance onthe head of this cask at the same time. Even this does not seem to meto account for the building of it. It does not even throw light on it. Aprofound and scholarly Englishman--a specialist--who had made the greatHeidelberg Tun his sole study for fifteen years, told me he had at lastsatisfied himself that the ancients built it to make German cream in.He said that the average German cow yielded from one to two and halfteaspoons of milk, when she was not worked in t
he plow or the hay-wagonmore than eighteen or nineteen hours a day. This milk was very sweet andgood, and a beautiful transparent bluish tint; but in order to get creamfrom it in the most economical way, a peculiar process was necessary.Now he believed that the habit of the ancients was to collect severalmilkings in a teacup, pour it into the Great Tun, fill up with water,and then skim off the cream from time to time as the needs of the GermanEmpire demanded.

  This began to look reasonable. It certainly began to account for theGerman cream which I had encountered and marveled over in so many hotelsand restaurants. But a thought struck me--

  "Why did not each ancient dairyman take his own teacup of milk and hisown cask of water, and mix them, without making a government matter ofit?'

  "Where could he get a cask large enough to contain the right proportionof water?"

  Very true. It was plain that the Englishman had studied the matter fromall sides. Still I thought I might catch him on one point; so I askedhim why the modern empire did not make the nation's cream in theHeidelberg Tun, instead of leaving it to rot away unused. But heanswered as one prepared--

  "A patient and diligent examination of the modern German cream hadsatisfied me that they do not use the Great Tun now, because they havegot a BIGGER one hid away somewhere. Either that is the case or theyempty the spring milkings into the mountain torrents and then skim theRhine all summer."

  There is a museum of antiquities in the Castle, and among its mosttreasured relics are ancient manuscripts connected with German history.There are hundreds of these, and their dates stretch back through manycenturies. One of them is a decree signed and sealed by the hand of asuccessor of Charlemagne, in the year 896. A signature made by a handwhich vanished out of this life near a thousand years ago, is a moreimpressive thing than even a ruined castle. Luther's wedding-ring wasshown me; also a fork belonging to a time anterior to our era, and anearly bootjack. And there was a plaster cast of the head of a man whowas assassinated about sixty years ago. The stab-wounds in the facewere duplicated with unpleasant fidelity. One or two real hairs stillremained sticking in the eyebrows of the cast. That trifle seemed toalmost change the counterfeit into a corpse.

  There are many aged portraits--some valuable, some worthless; some ofgreat interest, some of none at all. I bought a couple--one a gorgeousduke of the olden time, and the other a comely blue-eyed damsel,a princess, maybe. I bought them to start a portrait-gallery of myancestors with. I paid a dollar and a half for the duke and a half forthe princess. One can lay in ancestors at even cheaper rates than these,in Europe, if he will mouse among old picture shops and look out forchances.

  APPENDIX C.

  The College Prison It seems that the student may break a good many ofthe public laws without having to answer to the public authorities.His case must come before the University for trial and punishment. If apoliceman catches him in an unlawful act and proceeds to arrest him,the offender proclaims that he is a student, and perhaps shows hismatriculation card, whereupon the officer asks for his address, thengoes his way, and reports the matter at headquarters. If the offense isone over which the city has no jurisdiction, the authorities reportthe case officially to the University, and give themselves no furtherconcern about it. The University court send for the student, listen tothe evidence, and pronounce judgment. The punishment usually inflictedis imprisonment in the University prison. As I understand it, astudent's case is often tried without his being present at all.Then something like this happens: A constable in the service of theUniversity visits the lodgings of the said student, knocks, is invitedto come in, does so, and says politely--

  "If you please, I am here to conduct you to prison."

  "Ah," says the student, "I was not expecting it. What have I beendoing?"

  "Two weeks ago the public peace had the honor to be disturbed by you."

  "It is true; I had forgotten it. Very well: I have been complained of,tried, and found guilty--is that it?"

  "Exactly. You are sentenced to two days' solitary confinement in theCollege prison, and I am sent to fetch you."

  STUDENT. "O, I can't go today."

  OFFICER. "If you please--why?"

  STUDENT. "Because I've got an engagement."

  OFFICER. "Tomorrow, then, perhaps?"

  STUDENT. "No, I am going to the opera, tomorrow."

  OFFICER. "Could you come Friday?"

  STUDENT. (Reflectively.) "Let me see--Friday--Friday. I don't seem tohave anything on hand Friday."

  OFFICER. "Then, if you please, I will expect you on Friday."

  STUDENT. "All right, I'll come around Friday."

  OFFICER. "Thank you. Good day, sir."

  STUDENT. "Good day."

  So on Friday the student goes to the prison of his own accord, and isadmitted.

  It is questionable if the world's criminal history can show a custommore odd than this. Nobody knows, now, how it originated. There havealways been many noblemen among the students, and it is presumed thatall students are gentlemen; in the old times it was usual to mar theconvenience of such folk as little as possible; perhaps this indulgentcustom owes its origin to this.

  One day I was listening to some conversation upon this subject when anAmerican student said that for some time he had been under sentencefor a slight breach of the peace and had promised the constable that hewould presently find an unoccupied day and betake himself to prison. Iasked the young gentleman to do me the kindness to go to jail as soonas he conveniently could, so that I might try to get in there and visithim, and see what college captivity was like. He said he would appointthe very first day he could spare.

  His confinement was to endure twenty-four hours. He shortly chosehis day, and sent me word. I started immediately. When I reached theUniversity Place, I saw two gentlemen talking together, and, as theyhad portfolios under their arms, I judged they were tutors or elderlystudents; so I asked them in English to show me the college jail. Ihad learned to take it for granted that anybody in Germany who knowsanything, knows English, so I had stopped afflicting people with myGerman. These gentlemen seemed a trifle amused--and a trifle confused,too--but one of them said he would walk around the corner with me andshow me the place. He asked me why I wanted to get in there, and I saidto see a friend--and for curiosity. He doubted if I would be admitted,but volunteered to put in a word or two for me with the custodian.

  He rang the bell, a door opened, and we stepped into a paved way andthen up into a small living-room, where we were received by a heartyand good-natured German woman of fifty. She threw up her hands with asurprised "ACH GOTT, HERR PROFESSOR!" and exhibited a mighty deferencefor my new acquaintance. By the sparkle in her eye I judged she was agood deal amused, too. The "Herr Professor" talked to her in German, andI understood enough of it to know that he was bringing very plausiblereasons to bear for admitting me. They were successful. So the HerrProfessor received my earnest thanks and departed. The old dame got herkeys, took me up two or three flights of stairs, unlocked a door, andwe stood in the presence of the criminal. Then she went into a jolly andeager description of all that had occurred downstairs, and what the HerrProfessor had said, and so forth and so on. Plainly, she regarded it asquite a superior joke that I had waylaid a Professor and employed himin so odd a service. But I wouldn't have done it if I had known he was aProfessor; therefore my conscience was not disturbed.

  Now the dame left us to ourselves. The cell was not a roomy one; stillit was a little larger than an ordinary prison cell. It had a windowof good size, iron-grated; a small stove; two wooden chairs; two oakentables, very old and most elaborately carved with names, mottoes, faces,armorial bearings, etc.--the work of several generations of imprisonedstudents; and a narrow wooden bedstead with a villainous straw mattress,but no sheets, pillows, blankets, or coverlets--for these the studentmust furnish at his own cost if he wants them. There was no carpet, ofcourse.

  The ceiling was completely covered with names, dates, and monograms,done with candle-smoke. The walls were thickly covered w
ith pictures andportraits (in profile), some done with ink, some with soot, some with apencil, and some with red, blue, and green chalks; and whenever an inchor two of space had remained between the pictures, the captives hadwritten plaintive verses, or names and dates. I do not think I was everin a more elaborately frescoed apartment.

  Against the wall hung a placard containing the prison laws. I made anote of one or two of these. For instance: The prisoner must pay, forthe "privilege" of entering, a sum equivalent to 20 cents of our money;for the privilege of leaving, when his term had expired, 20 cents; forevery day spent in the prison, 12 cents; for fire and light, 12 cents aday. The jailer furnishes coffee, mornings, for a small sum; dinners andsuppers may be ordered from outside if the prisoner chooses--and he isallowed to pay for them, too.

  Here and there, on the walls, appeared the names of American students,and in one place the American arms and motto were displayed in coloredchalks.

  With the help of my friend I translated many of the inscriptions.

  Some of them were cheerful, others the reverse. I will give the reader afew specimens:

  "In my tenth semester (my best one), I am cast here through thecomplaints of others. Let those who follow me take warning."

  "III TAGE OHNE GRUND ANGEBLICH AUS NEUGIERDE." Which is to say, he had acuriosity to know what prison life was like; so he made a breach in somelaw and got three days for it. It is more than likely that he never hadthe same curiosity again.

  (TRANSLATION.) "E. Glinicke, four days for being too eager a spectatorof a row."

  "F. Graf Bismarck--27-29, II, '74." Which means that Count Bismarck, sonof the great statesman, was a prisoner two days in 1874.