Fashionably Dead Down Under (Hot Damned Series, Book 2)

by Robyn Peterman

  “We’re mated—if one of us dies the other follows. So as I see it, you have a couple of choices. Take us to a portal so I can send Ethan home and complete whatever I have to do here… ”

  “Not an option,” Ethan snapped.

  “Alrighty then, Pops, you have one choice. Stop time on Earth until I find your stinking Sword of Death.”

  “Shit.” Grandpa turned green and then ghostly white. “There’s only one way.”

  “Will it hurt?” I asked, expecting something hideous.

  “Not you, my dear. Me.”

  That stopped me. As much as I wanted to throttle the tiny man, I had fallen a little in love with my grandpa. “Will it kill you?”

  “Oh no,” he laughed. “I actually enjoy a bit of pain.”

  “TMI, Gramps. What do we have to do?”

  “I have to call in a favor with your grandma,” he whispered. His head snapped around and he fearfully searched the room.

  “Is she here?” I asked quietly, backing into a corner in case the ceiling caved in.

  “What’s happening?” Ethan asked, picking up on the terror.

  “Not sure,” I muttered, “but come stand by me just in case.”

  He hopped up and joined me. Grandpa swallowed several times, ran his hands through his already messy hair and then chanted in a language that was vaguely familiar to me. The melody was transfixing and I found myself swaying.

  Slowly the carpet turned to grass and the furniture to boulders and bushes. The curtains transformed from brocade to blindingly colorful flowering vines. The scents were divine. Trees sprouted and burst through the ceiling. Heavy unfamiliar orange and blood red fruit hung from the branches. Pastel colored birds flew gracefully around the room and tiny monkeys hopped from the limbs to the bushes. I idly wondered if the house would ever go back to normal, but this was so gorgeous, I didn’t really care.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said as a purple bird landed on my shoulder.

  “Son of a bitch, shit, hellfire and damnation,” a female voice screamed. “I was in the middle of Jeopardy. This had better be good, or I’ll turn your ass into a tree.”

  The voice, hypnotically beautiful, did not match the words flying from the mouth of the disheveled beauty standing in the middle of the forest that used to be a guesthouse. She wore a gown made of a sheer sparkling fabric like none I’d ever seen. Yards and yards of the tulle-like material floated around her. Her hair was a wild mass of fiery red curls and her skin was a pale porcelain. But her eyes… her eyes were the clearest, brightest blue and they glittered. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen and she was pissed.

  Her magic filled the room. It had an earthy scent to it with a distinct undertone of malice. Every move she made was sensual and dangerous. Shit, I hoped this was the right decision.

  “Bill, this is not good timing,” she hissed. “That smug bastard Alex Trebek mispronounced a word and I was watching the gas filled douchewanker squirm. It was glorious.”

  Grandpa’s name was Bill? Satan’s father was named Bill? How was that possible? I bit back the hysterical laughter that was trapped in my throat and prayed that she wouldn’t notice us.

  “Gaia, lovely to see you,” Grandpa Bill stuttered.

  She eyed him critically and then gifted him with a smile. A smile so brilliant, it would have killed a mere mortal. Grandma had some major mojo going on…

  “I prefer Gigi,” she snapped, turning to me. “Grandma sounds old.”

  Fuck, another mind reader.

  She laughed with delight and then sucked in a quick startled breath. Her eyes narrowed and she walked toward me. Ethan being an alpha dude and my mate stepped in front of me, staking his claim and warning Mother Nature.

  “Silly, silly Vampyre,” she murmured, pushing him away with a mere flick of her finger. “You. You are so pretty.”

  “Thank you, so are you,” I said and then went for the big one. “I, um… killed your son—my father.”

  “Yes, yes. Thank you, dear,” she muttered searching my face.

  Wow, not what I expected. No one like my dad… not even his nutty mother. “Why in the hell is everyone so scared of you?”

  I heard Grandpa’s gasp and Ethan’s moan of displeasure. I rolled my eyes. By now they had to know I was a loose cannon. Having no clue how long Gigi was going to stick around, I decided to get right down to business.

  “Because I’m a woman with power and a monthly cycle,” she said, adjusting her ample bosom. Bill cleared his throat. Twice. “Alright, fine, I’m a little unstable and prone to fits that result in earthquakes, typhoons and volcanic eruptions. Happy?” she snapped and glared at her husband. He winked and she giggled. Bizarre.

  I shut my brain doors, knowing at some point I would think something that would piss her off. Could I just ask her to stop time? Did Grandpa need to ask? What would I owe her?

  “So is anybody going to tell me why I’m here? There is a Full House marathon coming on and I think that show is so heinous I must watch it.”

  Mother Nature watches Jeopardy and Full House… How did I end up here? Only short months ago I was a single art teacher with nothing exciting on the horizon. Now I was a Vampyre-Demon who turns out to be related to every mythical and religious figure imaginable. WTF?

  “Well, um… we were wondering, you know, since my mate, Ethan, can only, um… ” She was making me nervous. What if I caused a tsunami? I’d be sick about that.

  “Forgive me, son,” she muttered and made the sign of the cross, “I’m about to sin… again. Goddamnit, I don’t have time for this. Get to the fucking point or I’ll blow up the left side of Hell and let you explain that to my other shit of a son who NEVER comes to visit me.”

  She stomped around the room. Her little monkeys followed her faithfully and the birds flew in a halo formation around her head.

  “I am sick and tired of nobody visiting. It’s fucking boring in Nirvana and I need chocolate,” she yelled.

  I glanced at a terrified Ethan and Grandpa. Gigi had progressed to a kicking and screaming fit on the grassy floor and her monkeys had gone ballistic. She was C-R-A-Z-Y and we needed her help. Awesome.

  Dashing to what used to be the kitchen I scrounged around, and praise Cousin Jesus, I found chocolate. Gigi was nuts and dangerous, but she didn’t seem evil like my mom. Honestly, she needed a good kick in the pants and most definitely some chocolate.

  Her fit had escalated to a degree that was nothing short of terrifying and the monkeys were shrieking and fighting. The birds were no longer graceful—they were dive bombing Grandpa and Ethan, both of whom were hiding under bushes. Enough was enough. This shit was ending now. I was certain her tantrum was going to bring every Demon in Hell to my doorstep and I needed to have time stopped before that happened.

  Panic settled in my throat. A True Immortal and a Master Vampyre were hiding from her. Was I an idiot to think I could stop her? Yes. Yes, I was. The ramifications of her fit were a big unknown and that scared me. Could she cause some horrific destruction on earth because she was rolling around on the floor stringing more swear words together than even I knew? She didn’t seem to be the kind of gal who destroyed the world on purpose—she simply appeared to be completely out of control. I wondered for a second if she’d ever tried hormone therapy… would that even work on an immortal?

  “Gigi,” I shouted in a harsh voice I pulled out of my butt. “Stop it. NOW. Is it any wonder nobody visits you? You’re a fucking disaster.” I heard my grandpa whimper and Ethan groaned. That took some nerve. They were hiding… the cowards.

  Mother Nature sat up with a look of shock on her face that was priceless and damned scary. Was she going to zap me dead or listen to reason? It was anyone’s guess…

  “Did you just call me a fucking disaster?” she asked in a very low tone. My gut clenched and I felt a little lightheaded.

  “Yes. Yes, I did. You are acting like a two year old and I’m worried that you’re going to blow up half of the contine
ntal USA if you don’t get a handle on your tantrum.”

  “No one has ever called me a fucking disaster,” she shouted.

  “Well, then no one that you hang with has balls,” I shouted back.

  There was a long silence where I calculated the odds of how much longer I had to live. I slowly handed her the chocolate, hoping she didn’t bite my hand off.

  “Do you really think this is why no one visits?” She sounded like a lost little girl for a moment, but she was no child. She was a dangerous, slightly deranged woman with a ton of magic. She broke off a small piece of the chocolate and popped it in her mouth.

  “Yes, I do. Would you want to visit you?” I squatted down next to her and helped her to a sitting position. I was sure I heard Bill squeak in fear.

  “I suppose not,” she pouted. “It is a tiny bit unnerving.”

  “Exactly,” I told her as I adjusted her dress and tucked her hair behind her ears. “You need to ease up on the fits and maybe try some yoga or meds or something.”

  “Do you think that would help?”

  Damn, she was pretty.

  “I would think so. Do you have any friends? Or hobbies?”

  She thought hard and then shook her head sadly. Her red curls bounced and her perfect mouth pursed. “No. No friends or hobbies although I’ve always wanted to take up knitting and pole dancing.”

  “Well,” I stuttered, biting down hard on my lip so I wouldn’t laugh. “You should try that. You might even make some friends if you take a pole dancing class.”

  “I think I will.” She laughed and her monkeys clapped wildly. She tossed them the rest of the chocolate and they munched happily. The birds again created a halo around her head. “I like you, Astrid. You will be my new friend. Of course you are my granddaughter, but more importantly, you will visit me in Nirvana or I’ll come to Kentucky. We will shop and go to movies and I will babysit your child once it’s born and we will go to spas and wrestling matches. What do you think?”

  She waited anxiously for my reply. Most of it sounded good except for her babysitting and the wrestling matches.

  “Yep, I’m in.” I heard Ethan gasp and I grinned. “But I have a problem.”

  “Oh dear, are you premenstrual and want to kill people or drown a city?” she asked with great sincerity.

  “Um, no. I was wondering if you would stop time on Earth while I… ”

  “Done,” she said.

  “Don’t you want to know why?” I asked.

  “I already know,” she trilled and took my face in her hands. “But I only bestow gifts on those who are worthy. You, my child, are worthy. Time will resume when the mission impossible has been accomplished. Ohhhhhhhhhh, I love that movie. Don’t you? Tom Cruise is such a cutie.”

  Grandpa harrumphed from under his bush and Gigi giggled.

  “Anyhoo, I’m horny and I want the Sword of Death tucked away in the Den of Iniquity where it belongs. I’m so not in the mood to be killed when you’ve given me a new lease on life, Astrid.”

  Deciding to ignore the horny part I touched on the storage of the Sword instead. “Why on earth would the Sword be kept in The Den of Iniquity? Seems a little dicey to me,” I said, surprised the True Immortals would be fine with that.

  “On no, dear, it’s perfect. Trust me.”

  Clearly it wasn’t perfect if someone had taken it, but I didn’t want to kill her happy buzz.

  “Bill, you’ll be coming home with me,” she cooed to Grandpa. “I have an itch that needs to be scratched for about a week or so.”

  “My pleasure.” Grandpa grinned like a teenage boy about to score big and moved quickly to her side.

  “Astrid darling, we’ll be in touch. I’m going to get us signed up for pole dancing classes!”

  “Great,” I said, pulling Ethan out from under the bush. “This is my mate, Ethan.”

  “Ohhhhhh, he’s dreamy. Take care of her or I’ll smite you.” She smiled sweetly, blew me a kiss and in a burst of rose and turquoise colored glitter she and Grandpa disappeared.

  “If I hadn’t witnessed that, I would never have believed it,” Ethan muttered.

  “Um, me neither.” I giggled and dropped to the couch. WTH? The house had been totally returned to a house. Aside from a few gorgeous plants that had appeared in shimmering pots, you’d never know we been in a forest only moments ago.

  “What’s next?”

  “I’m not sure. I suppose I should have a chat with Uncle Fucking Satan.”

  “I have been called many things, but that one is new to me,” Satan said, standing in the doorway. “I’m not quite sure I like that.”

  “Oh my God,” I shouted. “Have you ever heard of knocking?”

  “Now where would the fun in that be? Introduce me to your Vampyre.”

  “Ethan, Satan. Satan, Ethan,” I said warily.

  “Lovely to meet you, Ethan. Why don’t we all have a seat and have a little get to know you time?”

  I had a feeling this would either be a clusterfuck… or a clusterfuck.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I sat on the couch witnessing the surreal exchange of pleasantries between the King of the Underworld and the strongest Vampyre alive who also happened to be a Prince. The simple truth that one was my uncle and one was my mate was bizarre. Of course the other fact was that even though they were older than dirt, they both looked around thirty. Ahhhh, the life of an immortal.

  “I’d like to offer my most sincere apologies for your treatment thus far,” Satan said, clearly disturbed that he was unaware of the situation.

  Mind you, the torture didn’t seem to bother him as much as the fact he didn’t know about it… Getting used to this side of the family was going to be a challenge.

  Ethan simply nodded and watched my uncle carefully.

  “Strong silent type,” Satan mused, examining Ethan just as closely.

  The beauty in the room was stupid. I exhaled the breath I was holding slowly because I hadn’t realized I was holding it. I knew for certain my attraction to my uncle was in no way sexual, but his sheer charisma was shattering. Ethan was the only person so far to be unaffected. Uncle Fucker didn’t like that.

  “Ethan, my boy, do you play poker?”

  Ethan’s body tensed at the word boy, but he didn’t lash out physically. No, he was far too clever for that.

  “Actually I do, Uncle Fucker. May I call you Uncle Fucker?” he inquired politely. “I assume I’ll be meeting so many members of Astrid’s family, I’d like to get the monikers correct.”

  “Satan will be fine,” my uncle answered tersely.

  “Will Dante be there?” I asked, changing the subject. A fight was out of the question.

  “Yes,” Satan sighed dramatically. “He’s an insufferable bore, but he always shows up and it would just be rude to turn him away.”

  “I’ve heard he’s an ass,” Ethan added. “I assume he went a bit girly when he realized his fiction was truly fiction.”

  “Yes, yes,” the Devil laughed heartily. “The son of a bitch got his panties in quite the wad.”

  “Who else will be playing?” I inquired, happy the little powwow was going so well.

  “I do believe Hemingway will be there and we may get lucky enough to be graced by Mother Teresa.”

  “Mother Teresa lives in Hell?” Ethan couldn’t hide his shock.

  “Sweet Nephew Jesus, no. None of my poker buddies reside in Hell. They just take the bus over once a week to have a little fun. It’s a bit stuffy at my brother’s house.”

  “Interesting,” Ethan said.

  “So are you in, my man?” Satan asked.

  “What do you play for?” my mate asked warily. I didn’t Vampyre-marry no dummy.

  “Why, favors of course. If I win you make a little deal with the Devil.”

  “And if I win?” Ethan crossed his arms over his chest and waited.

  “You make a deal with me.”

  “So technically either way it’s a deal with the Devil�
�� ” Ethan grinned, sat back and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m in. It will be good to rub it in with Dante and to kick your ass.”

  “We shall see.” Satan grinned back. “It’s formal attire.”

  “Problem,” I said.

  My Uncle snapped his fingers and boxes and hanging bags full of clothing from the world’s finest designers appeared before our eyes. “Problem solved. I will see you this evening.”

  With that he vanished. We sat in silence. I pondered the thought of meeting Hemingway and Mother Teresa and I wondered if anyone had ever beaten the Devil at poker.

  “Today’s Thursday?” I asked.

  “Looks that way,” Ethan muttered, letting his head fall back on his shoulders. “Do you think he cheats?”

  “Most definitely,” I said, eyeing the bags labeled Prada.

  “Angel,” he said in a voice that stopped me and made my tummy flip. “I believe we have some unfinished business.”

  “I believe we do.” I slowly eased my shirt over my head as his eyes went from golden to green. “Should we adjourn to the boudoir?” I giggled as I slipped out of my pants and panties.

  “Nope. I’d like to christen the couch, armchair and kitchen table for starters.”

  His arms muscles stretched as he removed his pants—corded and strong. He was Heaven and sin personified and he was mine.

  “Sounds like a plan,” I choked out. My body ached with need and speech was difficult. “Do you want me to come over there?”

  “I want you to come everywhere—over and over again.”

  Oh my God, that was hot. My knees buckled and he was on me faster than I could blink. I moaned as he manhandled my ass and ground me into his very happy camper.

  “I want you,” he hissed in my ear. “I’m going to fuck you until you can’t remember your name.”

  “That works for me,” I gasped, grinding against him. “Why are you knocking on the wall?”

  “What?”

  “You’re knocking on the wall,” I said as I tried to pull him to the floor. “Stop. It’s weird.”

  “I thought it was you.”

  “Why would I be knocking on the wall?”