Fashionably Dead Down Under (Hot Damned Series, Book 2)

by Robyn Peterman

  Carl, Janet and Myrtle quietly made sure drinks were full and no one went without as many weenies as they wanted. Janet placed a large plate of pigs in a blanket next to Satan and he savored them the same way some enjoy fine caviar. Bizarre. Hemingway threw back his martinis and Carl kept them coming at the Devil’s discreet nods. I was certain the drinks got stronger and stronger.

  Dante sipped wine and Mister Rogers drank his milk and ate his cookies. Ethan was the only one who ingested nothing. He was of a Vampyre age that he could enjoy a blood-laced beverage, but that was not on the menu. The first two hands went to Ethan and the second two to Satan.

  “Why have we lowered ourselves to play with Vampyres?” Dante groused, slamming his hand down. “Are we slumming it now?”

  “Touché, Dante,” Satan said in an overly polite manner. “Perhaps next time we can play on level eight or seven or six… Ahhh, but wait, they don’t exist.”

  Dante’s fists clenched and his jaw worked overtime. “Pardon my rudeness,” he ground out. “It was thoughtless of me.”

  Ethan simply nodded and then ignored him. Mister Rogers shook his head sadly and Hemingway burst into laughter.

  “My God, man, relax. It’s a game. We’re playing with the Devil–why not throw a Vampyre in for good measure?” Hemingway said and signaled to Carl for another round. “Who cares if you lose? I’ve been making deals with the goddamn Devil my whole life… what’s one more?”

  “Well said.” Satan grinned at the famous writer and glanced over and winked at me.

  It was the first time he had acknowledged my presence this evening and I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t thrill me. My uncle was a magical evil man. He was temptation and all the sins of his daughters rolled into one. The safety I felt in his company was a lie. I needed to remember that everything down here was a game and the stakes were high.

  Ironically Mister Rogers won the next two hands, and that’s when that slut Lust made her move.

  “Daddy,” she purred. “I have a bit of a headache. Would you excuse me for a bit? I promise to be back.”

  “Of course,” Satan said absently as he examined his cards.

  Lust stood slowly and stretched. Every eye in the room except her father’s was on her. She ran her hands down her body, spending a little extra time on her boobies. The guards were almost salivating and poor Mister Rogers looked like he might pass out. Ethan watched her in the same detached way I did and it was clear she didn’t like that one bit. As she sauntered past the table she ran her hands over Ethan’s shoulders and tangled them into his hair. Leaning forward, she kissed his neck. He roughly shoved her away as her sisters laughed. She hissed her displeasure and left the room in a huff.

  Satan glanced up from his cards, having missed the exchange. He looked curiously at Cole, who gave him the ‘everything’s okay’ look and he went back to his cards. Cole might think everything was okay, but I did not. It was time for the bitch to pay.

  “I’ll be right back,” I muttered and quickly made my way to the door. Wrath smiled viciously. Shit, she wanted me to go kick her sister’s ass. Well, I hate to disappoint so I gave her a curt nod and left.

  “Astrid,” Ethan said tersely. “Do not do anything stupid.”

  “Don’t worry, honey. I got it covered.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Son of a bitch, where did she go? I scanned the long hallway in frustration. Feeling helpless and human was not working for me—time to tap into my power free-for-all and let the chips land wherever they wanted. Lust was not getting away this time.

  Finding my anger wasn’t difficult. It was right on the surface, but I needed to dig deeper. I was asking my power to help me find something, not to destroy it. Although when I found her, all bets were off. The chant that I’d heard Grandpa say was caught in the far recesses of my mind. The angrier I got the further away it floated.

  “Shit, why aren’t there ever any fucking directions?” I groaned. The book Grandpa had given me had no guide on how to use my power. I was in Hell… fury should work. Shouldn’t it? Wait. Balance… the balance between good and evil. Is that what I needed to find? Probably, but how was I supposed to do that? Forget it. I had to go with what I knew. My Vampyre skills were no longer dormant. However, I was worried that I’d need my Demon magic to truly deal with Lust. Shitshitshit. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, let my mind wander outside of myself and slip into hers.

  Got it. WTF? Lust was a riot of fury and emotion, but I knew exactly where she was. Unable to decipher any kind of linear thought from the commotion going on inside her, I turned to the right and moved with Vampyre speed in the direction she’d gone. What exactly I had planned when I found her… I had no clue, but she was going to lay off my mate. Period.

  I almost laughed as I realized I avoided the talking walls. What I wouldn’t give for the walls to speak right now. That would mean Grandpa was near, but that was impossible. He was in Nirvana doing the nasty with Gigi. The visuals were too disturbing so I shoved that sucker to the back of my mind and hummed along with Journey’s Any Way You Want It.

  As I drew closer my body trembled with excitement. The black glittering gloves appeared and I was drunk with power and fury. Wait. What the fuck was I doing? Was I really going to go a have a bitch fight over a man with my cousin? I froze. Ethan was mine. Lust was no threat to me. None—but the rage inside me demanded blood. Shaking my head, I tried to clear it. I had never been this person before. Vengeance and hate were alarmingly appealing to me. Is this what Hell did to people? Part of me cared, but a larger part of me didn’t. Was I even in control of myself?

  I stopped and leaned against the wall, letting my body slide to the floor. All I wanted to do was go home. Mortified by my desires, I sucked in several deep breaths and calmed down. I’d go back to the poker room and avoid Lust at all costs. She was not my nemesis. She was not a threat. She was an annoyance that didn’t deserve my ire or the luxury of thought. If I could find it in myself to feel sorry for her, I’d really win, but I wasn’t quite that magnanimous at the moment. I’d get there in a year or two...or ten.

  “I knew you’d follow me,” Lust hissed, standing over me with crazy written all over her.

  “Oh my God,” I shouted. “I changed my mind and you’re about to fuck that up.” I stood and took a step away. Bad move. She was on me like a bad toupee.

  “He was mine first. He’ll be mine again. You don’t hold a candle to me,” she ground out through clenched teeth. “You’re in my way and I want you gone.”

  So much for taking the high road… “You are delusional.” I laughed at her and she tensed in like a bomb about to explode. “You’ve been used so many times you probably give out frequent rider miles.”

  “Did you just use a ‘yo mama’ joke on me?” she yelled. Her face burned red and her fingertips sparked.

  “Yep. Yep, I did.” I grinned. “And I have more where that came from. Ethan is not yours. Never has been and never will be. Look, I get that you’re horny, but you need to find someone who will appreciate your widely spread talents.”

  “My talents made him come till he begged for mercy and I’ll have him begging again as soon as I get rid of you. You’re just a stupid weak half-breed and I always get what I want.”

  Pushing the image of Lust and Ethan naked together aside was difficult, but since she was coming at me like a freight train, I had no choice. I tapped the angel wing tattoo on my chest, a gift from my Baby Demons, and prepared myself to either kick some ass or get mine handed to me.

  Her anger made her sloppy. I stood completely still and let her advance. Right before she landed a mean right hook, I dropped low and took her out with my leg. The thud of her body hitting the wall and then the ground was music to my ears. Rolling over, I brought my elbow down on her face and took complete pleasure in the sound of bone crunching.

  “Bitch,” she screeched and raised her arms to the sky. A strong stream of sparks flew from her hands, but as she stood she was unste
ady on her feet. Blood poured from her nose and lip. “You’re going to pay for that.”

  “You really don’t want another piece of me,” I panted and rolled my eyes. I stayed low in case she tried again. What I wouldn’t give for a sword or a throwing star.

  “No, I don’t want any part of you, but I know some people who might.” She flung her arms in a circular motion and a shimmering door appeared. It was translucent and golden flames licked up the sides. There was no heat and I wasn’t sure if it was real or a mirage… Lust vanished and I had a bad feeling I was fucked. I backed myself against the wall and began to inch away. Why did I follow her out? Ethan was so damned right about green not being my color. It was an outstanding lesson, but would I live to tell? I didn’t for one second believe she was gone. With my back plastered against the wall I had slightly better odds of seeing where she might attack from next. Of course from behind was the last thing I expected, but I was in Hell—a place where all your night-fucking-mares can come true.

  She flew out of the wall and shoved me through the door with such force my head snapped back and I saw stars.

  “Say hello to your mommy for me,” she hissed as flames engulfed me. “It was good knowing you. I promise to take very, very good care of Ethan.”

  Fucking. Awesome. The crazy slut was sending me to the Basement and I had a feeling no one would be happy to see me there. I killed their leader, my disgusting daddy, and I was certain that as happy as Satan was about that, the nut jobs in the Basement would not agree.

  I thought the waiting area of Hell was creepy, but it had nothing on the Basement. The ride through the portal had been violent, smelly and hot. While the flames didn’t disfigure me, they practically destroyed my Prada halter. My boobs were being held up by threads. Great. Gonna flash my goodies at some evil Demons. Never thought I put those words together in a sentence. Ever.

  Crude stone walls and uneven rock floors were illuminated by torches. The odor was putrid and exactly how I had thought Hell should smell. Where were the Demons? With great caution, because of my heels, the floor and the simple fact that any slight movement could expose my knockers, I made my way down a dank hallway. Go toward the sound… the horrific sound of wailing souls being burned till the end of time.

  How was I going to get out of here? The portal had disappeared once it spit me out and I had no clue where another one might be. As I passed the torches the flames extinguished. Did the Demons know I was here? Were they going to pop out and yell surprise? Fuck.

  Silence. An eerie silence stopped me in my tracks. What happened? Why weren’t the souls screaming? Did they get turned to ash? I was under the impression they had to burn for eternity. God, I wanted out of here, but that was clearly not in the plan thanks to Lust. Time to deal with the icky Demons and hopefully not have to kill a ton of them. I wasn’t sure how that would go over upstairs.

  “Hello,” I called out. “Anybody home?”

  As soon as I spoke the shrieks and wails resumed at a level even higher than before. Words were intermingled with the howling and I heard garbled begging and pleading. WTF? I was close to the mouth of what looked like a large room. It was lit up like Christmas, a holiday I was certain they skipped down here. Go into the light, Carol Ann kept running through my brain and I laughed without humor. This was not a movie. It was real life—my life. Poltergeist was G rated kiddie crap compared to this shit.

  Taking a deep breath and tamping down my gag reflex at the stench, I sauntered into the bowels of Hell.

  A huge wall of fire blasted out of a crevasse in the floor that had to be at least ten feet wide and spanned the entirety of the room, which from my estimation was the length of several football fields. The soul lights darted around in the flames wildly, although some were sluggish. Were those the older souls—the ones that had become accustomed to being on fire? My stomach roiled at the thought. Did Satan come up with this punishment?

  The Demons roaming around were identical to the ones that had dragged me to Hell. Their bloody skinless bodies were muscular and oozing with pus and disease. They undulated in and out of each other, stabbing and prodding the less powerful ones with their sharp and filthy claws. Had they really looked like the Demons on the main level at one time? It was difficult to wrap my mind around that. Huge blood covered teeth clicked as they ate what looked like flesh and organs. Fucking awesome, I had arrived in time for dinner.

  Had no one noticed me, or was I being ignored?

  The Demons amped up their attacks on each other and the sounds of moans and grunts joined the wailing. As wonderful as all this was I had no time to watch a real life horror movie. I needed to get the hell out.

  “Excuse me,” I shouted over the cacophony. Everything halted, including the soul shrieking. Hmmm, not sure that was good. At least fifty pairs of beady bloodshot golden eyes turned to me.

  A huge reeking Demon stepped forward. It took everything I had not to step back. Shitfuckshit. His eyes went red and his teeth clicked ominously. He had bits of skin on his arms and chest. They were rotten and peeling away. The edges were black and runny. Had he tried to redeem himself and failed or was he working on getting out of here?

  “You’ve finally come,” he said in a voice that hurt my ears and make my throat clench. It was like my father’s. It sounded as if his mouth was full of glass shards.

  “Well, I wasn’t really planning on it, but, um… yep. Here I am. I was wondering if you knew where a portal was?” I was sure my smile resembled a grimace, but if he was being polite, I could certainly do the same.

  He turned his back on me and addressed the crowd. “Our Queen has come home,” he shouted. My stomach sunk and I felt sick. This was not going to end well.

  The Demons cheered and dropped to their bone and muscle exposed knees. The souls began screaming again at a volume that vibrated through my body. I slapped my hands over my ears and bent forward.

  “It will stop in a moment,” the Demon told me.

  “Why?”

  “It is the way. They are given a moment of peace so each time they burn it will be more devastating than the last. They can never be allowed to forget what it feels like to be free of pain. It would defeat the purpose of the punishment.”

  “That is fucked up,” I said before I could stop myself. I mean, who in the hell came up with this sadistic kind of torture?

  “Yes,” the Demon smiled and licked what I supposed were lips. “Your father was a brilliant man.”

  “This is my father’s doing?” I gasped and wondered why I wasn’t more screwed up.

  “He took the more violent Bible passages quite seriously.”

  “Maybe he should have taken some meds more seriously,” I muttered and scanned the room for alternate exits. “Look, um… ”

  “Lance.”

  “Right. Lance. I’m flattered that you want me to be your, ah… queen, but I am not queen material at all. I am so fucking grossed out by this,” I said, gesturing wildly around the cave. “You really don’t want me to be your queen.”

  “It is not our choice,” he grunted dismissively. “You made that choice when you killed your father. We would have never chosen a woman to lead. Women are weak and inferior, but we will deal with what we have been given.”

  WTF? Was he kidding me? Inferior, my ass. I did not want to be the leader of Stinkyland, but I’d be damned if they didn’t want me because I was a girl. “Look, Buster… ”

  “Lance,” he corrected.

  “Lance, I don’t want the job. However if I did, I could lead the shit out of you filthy asswipes.”

  He growled and advanced. OMG, he picked the wrong girl to fuck with. I was done. Done. I’d been dragged to Hell, made to talk to walls, watched my mate get manhandled by a Sin, got bitten by Hell Hounds and then shoved through a flaming door into a place that ten thousand years of therapy couldn’t erase. I was done. I mean WTF—how much was a hormonal pregnant half-Vamp half-Demon with semi-exposed breasts supposed to take?

  “
Back off,” I hissed.

  “Make me,” he snapped and moved faster. He came at me with his claws raised and his mouth open.

  He asked for it. I swung my arms and slashed through the air. I had no real idea what I was doing, but winging it had worked so far. The room turned a hazy red and I would bet my undead life that my eyes had turned the same color. Glittering black and crystal white sparks flew from my fingertips and attacked Lance with a vengeance. I closed my eyes when I heard him scream. I let my mind float and I entered his, fully prepared to destroy him. The pop of his body blowing into thousands of tiny pieces was so close and a sense of excitement filled me.

  “Do it,” his mind screamed to me. “Do it,” he begged. “End me.”

  What? He wanted to die? For real and forever?

  I pulled my mind back from his and stared at him. My magic held him in a stasis and he writhed in pain. I touched my angel wings again and created a shield around myself. I didn’t want one of these fuckers sneaking up from behind while I figured out what Lance meant and why I was becoming such a blood-hungry psycho.

  The Demons made a menacing circle around us and I wondered if I could take all fifty or so out at once. I seriously hoped I didn’t have to find out.

  “What did you mean?” I demanded. “Why do you want me to end you?”

  “I know nothing of what you speak of,” he snapped. The circle of love surrounding us growled and began to keen like mourners at a funeral.

  “Yes. You do,” I ground out. “Tell me.” With a wave of my hand I increased the magic. He panted and convulsed on the ground at my feet. “Tell me.”

  “Fine,” he gasped. “Look at us,” he cried. “Look at us. See how many have tried to turn decent. Look at the tiny pieces of decomposing flesh on our bodies. We can’t do it. There is no way out.”

  “We were lied to and used by your father,” a Demon yelled from the circle.

  I rolled my eyes. “It takes two to tango, idiot,” I shot back. “Don’t try to tell me you’re simply innocent bystanders and got fucked over by my big bad daddy.”