Fashionably Dead Down Under (Hot Damned Series, Book 2)

by Robyn Peterman

  “You’ll have to do a bit of work in Heaven too,” God informed me and I shot him an evil glare.

  “Both of you are pansy asses,” I snapped. God was taken aback at my candor, but Satan chuckled.

  “Prove it,” a Demon cried out.

  “I don’t believe it,” an Angel yelled.

  God and Satan rolled their eyes simultaneously and I laughed. They looked so much alike, I couldn’t help myself. They turned to me and simply stared. Shit. The pansy asses wanted me to prove it and there was only one way to do that.

  The weight of the Sword in my hands made my fingers tingle—not in a bad or frightening way. A new and unusual way. I had no fear of the Sword and if I’d come this far I might as well go all the way. I caught Mister Rogers out of the corner of my eye giving me the thumbs up. WTF? But more importantly, I locked eyes with Ethan. He nodded and I knew everything was going to be fine.

  I raised the sword and the entire room sparkled with what I would call Fairy dust. Iridescent crystals clung to all the Demons and Angels in the room. A strange purr of contentment burst from the crowd. I wasn’t one for self-inflicted pain, but I figured the faster the better. I raised the Sword in one hand and extended the other. The breathing in the room had halted—even Satan’s and God’s. Holy hell, were they unsure I was really a True Immortal? The whispers came back and I was assured by both that they believed in me. The only one left that mattered was me… Did I believe in me? Could I do this? Hell, I didn’t even know the job requirements, but if it simply boiled down to figuring out the definition of fair in a very gray world… I could do that. Yes. I could do that.

  I sliced my arm and hissed at the excruciating pain. It burned like a motherfucker, but I didn’t die. I mean, I was dead, but I wasn’t dead-dead. The Demons and Angels went wild. Crying and bowing and wailing. Most of them dropped to their knees and begged my forgiveness.

  I rolled my neck and looked directly at Satan. “I want to go home.”

  The room trembled and the walls began to buckle. Trees, grasses and flowering vines exploded out of the floor and walls. Tables became boulders and the chandeliers dripped with flowers and fruit. Monkeys and birds hopped on the heads of Demons and Angels and everyone, including Satan and God, blanched and cowered in terror.

  A huge pole appeared in the middle of the room. It went from the floor to the ceiling and at the top was Gigi.

  “Astrid,” she shrieked. “Look at me! I’m a pole dancer!”

  “What did she say?” God asked his brother.

  “I believe she said she was a pole dancer,” Satan replied, completely baffled.

  “That can’t be right,” God muttered.

  “Oh, yes it can,” I said, grinning from ear to ear.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Mother Nature slid down the pole… kind of. It wasn’t graceful. It wasn’t pretty. It was difficult to watch, especially when she got stuck, hung upside down and cussed like a sailor for five minutes.

  After three more stalled attempts she made it to the floor, and under the covert direction of Grandpa, the crowd went wild. She took eight bows and then did an abrupt about-face and narrowed her gaze on her sons.

  “Hello boys,” she purred. I even felt bad for them.

  “Hi Mom,” Satan squeaked. God couldn’t even get his voice box to work.

  As she moved toward them her skimpy pole dancer outfit was replaced by flowing robes. She was exquisite. Her hair blew wildly around her head and her animals darted around her.

  “So what brings you here, Mom?” Satan whispered.

  “I heard there was a party. My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.”

  “Oh,” he croaked. “I think God was supposed to tell you about it.”

  God shot Satan a look that was covered in ‘I’ll smite your ass later.’ “No,” he said in a voice that wasn’t nearly as melodic as it had been. “It was all Satan’s fault. He said he didn’t want you here.”

  Satan tackled God and they began to pummel each other and roll all over the stage. Thankfully I had use of my feet again and was able to jump out of the way, or they’d have taken me down with them.

  “Enough,” she bellowed. They froze. The entire room froze. “So, Astrid darling. Was I amazing or what?” she asked, referring to her pole debacle.

  “Gigi, it was okay. You need to practice more and I think you need to cut the cussing part back by a minute or so.”

  I’m sure I heard Satan and God whimper. Gigi considered me for a long moment and I wondered if my uncles knew something I didn’t…

  “Brilliant,” she shouted and the walls rumbled. “I shall take those notes and incorporate them into my new routine. Do you see why I like her?” she demanded of her boys.

  “Yes,” they muttered meekly.

  “She tells me the truth. Which is more than I can say for the rest of my family.” She stomped her foot and the back wall of the dining room collapsed.

  “Gigi,” I admonished. “Chill out. If you want to be invited, you can’t destroy your son’s house every time you show up. Deal?”

  “Deal,” she said and pursed her pretty lips. “Would you people have me over more often if I didn’t leave such a mess?”

  “Um… sure,” Satan said, looking to me for guidance. Even though he had fucked with me, I gave him a nod. He was a bastard, but I liked him.

  “I’d be willing to host a family dinner every now and then,” God offered in a shaky voice.

  “Will you come visit me in Nirvana every Tuesday?” she inquired. “I’ll cook.”

  Both men sucked in a quick breath and shuddered. “Can we bring take out?” Satan asked.

  She gave him the evil eye and then laughed. “Of course. I can’t cook for shit.”

  “Mom, Astrid is the next True Immortal,” God told her. Satan flipped him the finger. Apparently he had wanted to spring the news.

  “Tell me something I don’t know,” she cooed, letting them know that nothing got by Mother Nature. “I’ve known that since the minute the child was born. It was difficult to let her grow up the way she did, but that’s what the Fates demanded. Those gals are bitches,” she muttered and wandered over the cage. “Why are three of my granddaughters caged like animals?”

  “We had some issues. They’ll be living in Purgatory for the next few years,” Satan explained.

  Gigi circled the cage and the Sins trembled. “I have a better idea,” she crowed with excitement. Her robes billowed around her and her beautiful eyes lit up. “I shall take them home with me and teach them manners! Plus I need some new people to clean the monkey shit off of the furniture.”

  “Um… ” Satan waffled.

  “Excellent,” she squealed. “We shall leave immediately. Bill, are you ready?”

  Grandpa ran forward and blew me a kiss as he took his true love’s arm.

  “See ya, boys.” He grinned and winked and they disappeared. Within seconds the room was restored to its former glory and the cage was gone.

  “Did that just really happen?” God asked, dazed.

  “It did,” Satan said and ran his hands through his hair.

  I felt Ethan’s presence beside me and all was right with my world. He kissed my temple and wrapped his arms around me.

  “I must take my leave,” God said. “Astrid, it was lovely to meet you. I will assume this is your Ethan. You two have a very important job ahead.” He touched my stomach and a warm burst of loving magic spilled into me. “A very important job.” He turned to his brother and they embraced. The crowd was awed. I was awed.

  God clapped his hands three times and he disappeared along with his entourage.

  “Wow, people come and go so quickly here.” I giggled at my Wizard of Oz reference, but nobody got it so I shut my mouth.

  “Everyone clear the room. You are dismissed,” Satan said. “Now.” The room emptied quickly except for Ethan, myself, Dixie and the Devil.

  “Goodbye, Astrid,” Dixie said. Her eyes were full of tears an
d her hands shook. “I’ll miss you.”

  She threw her arms around me and buried her face in my neck. I squeezed her and rocked her like a child. She longed for a mother like I did. It made my heart hurt. “Dixie.” I lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. “I’ll see you in six months. It’s not that far away.”

  “You’re right,” she said and forced a smile to her lips. “Six months.”

  She hugged Ethan and her father and disappeared in a cloud of pink glitter.

  “I have one thing left to do before I go home,” I told Satan. He nodded his head and bowed to me. I turned to the man that made living for eternity worth it. “I don’t want to do this alone. Will you come with me?”

  Ethan brushed his lips against mine and whispered, “Always.”

  I took a deep breath, touched the amulet on my neck and turned back to Satan… but he was gone. In his place sat the General.

  “George?”

  “I answer to that.” He chuckled and loped closer. “I also answer to Satan, Lucifer and the Prince of Darkness in a pinch.”

  I was speechless… almost. “You’re a motherfucker,” I gasped. “Does anyone else know?”

  “No—well, Bambi does.” He gave me a grin. I shook my head and tried to clear it.

  “Does she shift to a Demon too?” I asked. I hoped with all my heart that Bambi wasn’t Amanda.

  “No. She’s my Hell Hound lover.”

  “Of course.” I rolled my eyes and laughed.

  “Put your hand on my back, children and I’ll take you where you want to go.”

  It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t dramatic. It was simply sad. I called her name and she came to me. Her beauty was still there, but her mind was gone. She thought she was supposed to lead. The amulet could kill one—the one who was meant to lead.

  I told her I loved her and she just looked confused. She was broken beyond repair and I had one last gift to give her. The gift of mercy. I was Compassion and it was my gift to give.

  I touched the amulet and it turned to dust in my hand. Her end wasn’t brutal like her life had been. It was quiet and peaceful. She looked in my eyes and for the first time in my life I think she really saw me. She smiled and then… she was gone.

  I turned to Ethan and I fell into his arms. “I will love you till the end of time.”

  “And I you,” he replied and held me tight.

  I pulled myself together and turned to Satan. He had transformed back to his breathtaking self. “I want to go home.”

  He held his hand out to me and I went to him without hesitation. He held me like a father holds his daughter and kissed me on my head. “Would you mind if the Babies stayed for a while? I find them quite amusing.”

  I looked up at the Devil and narrowed my eyes. “No strip clubs?”

  “I promise.”

  I didn’t believe him for a second, but I knew he’d take care of my little monsters. “One week and then you will send them home.”

  “Yes, one week. This promise I shall keep.” He grinned and I giggled. “Are you ready?”

  I glanced around the Basement one last time. I took Ethan’s hand in mine and I nodded to my uncle. “Yes. I want to go home.”

  “As you wish.”

  — THE END (for now) —

  Note From The Author

  If you enjoyed this ebook, please consider leaving a positive review or rating on the site where you purchased it. Reader reviews help my books continue to be valued by resellers and help new readers make decisions about reading them.

  You are the reason I write these stories and I sincerely appreciate each of you!

  Many thanks for your support,

  ~ Robyn Peterman

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  What’s Next In The HOT DAMNED Series?

  Hell On Heels, Book 3

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  Excerpt: Hell On Heels

  The Hot Damned Series, Book 3

  Chapter One

  “What exactly are you doing?” I asked my father. He had a deck of playing cards laid out on his massive mahogany desk and he was putting tiny dots on the backs of the aces, queens, kings and jacks.

  “It’s Thursday,” he replied.

  “Yes… and?” I flopped down on the plush leather couch and waited.

  “That bastard Hemingway won last week. That was unacceptable,” he huffed. He put down the red pen and picked up a blue one.

  “So you’re going to cheat?”

  He gave me a smile that had melted the hearts of thousands of women. Literally. “But of course.”

  Being the daughter of Satan had its challenges. This was only one of many. I knew that explaining to him that cheating at poker was wrong would be like running up the down escalator for eternity, so I kept my mouth shut. Furthermore I was fairly sure that Hemingway cheated too. Poker Night in Hell usually consisted of Ernest Hemingway, Mr. Rogers, my dad and occasionally Mother Teresa. Since all of the players, my father excluded, resided in Heaven they basically took a bi-weekly field trip to Hell for game night. For real.

  He finished his deceitful art project and gave me his full attention. “So, my beautiful girl, are you ready?”

  I picked at my nail polish and considered my answer. Pleading had not worked, nor had crying or throwing a tantrum. Actually, the tantrum was a total bust. We ended up laughing because it was so far out of my character and I sucked at it. I suppose I could try the truth.

  “Dad, being deported from Hell is not my idea of a good time. I’m not ready. I have no real power yet and I know I’ll disappoint you.”

  “Dixie, the only thing that disappoints me is that you will be graduating from Demon College as the valedictorian and your obsessive need to do good.” He sighed dramatically and ran his hands through his jet black hair.

  He was gorgeous. He was evil. And I loved him.

  “Your sisters… ”

  “My sisters are thousands of years old. College didn’t even exist when they were of age.”

  “Point,” he agreed. “I just don’t understand why you couldn’t learn what you wanted and then flunk the tests on purpose. We have a reputation to maintain.”

  “I know.” I let my head fall back and stared at the mirrored ceiling. What the… ? When did he have the ceiling in his office mirrored? The reality was too much to take in. I shut my eyes and tried without success to block out what I’d just seen. I was from the most over-sexed family in history and I was a twenty-one year old virgin.

  “I’ve done my best to help you past that little hump. No pun intended,” Satan said innocently.

  “Get out of my head, Dad,” I snapped.

  He wasn’t lying, and he intended every pun he made. He’d thrown the cream of the crop at me. Of course they were smarmy and way too old. The last Demon he’d set me up with had ridden on the Mayflower, had no clue who Maroon Five was and smelled funky.

  “Dixie, darling, all of your sisters popped their… ”

  “Hell to the NO,” I yelled as I slapped my hands over my ears. It was beyond unnecessary to hear about the sexual exploits of my sisters, the Seven Deadly Sins. It was bad enough that one of them was named Lust.

  “Dixie, I’m just trying to help,” he pouted.

  “Look, Dad… there is a guy. And, um… well.”

  There actually was a guy—an amazing perfect guy, but I had no intention of telling my dad about him. He would ruin it. My dad thought it was hilarious to threaten the lives of all my sisters’ paramours. And what did it matter anyway? I was leaving. All Demon Princesses had to do their time on Earth and my number had come up. The only thing that made it bearable was that I’d get to see my cousin Astrid. She was very pregnant and furious that no one could tell her what the gestation time was for a half-Vampyre half-Demon baby. She’d apparently caused so much property damage that her mate Ethan had everyt
hing breakable in the compound nailed down.

  “Do I know him?” my father inquired casually.

  My stomach clenched. Nothing my dad did was casual. “Nope.” I smiled and stood up. “And you’re not going to. I don’t like him anymore.”

  “This happened in the thirty seconds since you announced his existence?”

  “Yes. Yes it did.”

  “Dixie, Dixie, Dixie, you are so like your mother.”

  Considering no one had the testicles to tell me who my mother was, his comparison drove me to grind my teeth. “And that’s a bad thing?” I challenged, hoping for once he’d slip up and give me a clue.

  He paused and watched me for a moment. “Not good. Not bad. Interesting.”

  I went back to work on my nail polish and bit back a nasty retort as the tears threatened.

  “Will you attend the poker game tonight?” he asked as if nothing important had passed between us.

  “Sure,” I muttered.

  “Bring your guy. I’d love to meet him.” With that my frighteningly beautiful father disappeared in a blast of black glitter and smoke. He was insane if he thought I’d bring my friend—completely insane.

  Chapter Two

  “How was the poker game last night?” my best friend Stella asked as we tried to find something edible in the college commissary.

  “Dad won.”

  “Your dad always wins.”

  “He cheated,” I muttered as I grabbed a sandwich and a bag of chips.