Hacking Fatherhood
Page 2
My only real credibility for being qualified to write a book like this is that at the time of writing, I have four children of my own. I also have 12 nieces and nephews. My home has had some serious action over the last ten years. We’ve had six pregnancies, two miscarriages, one special needs child, and everything in between. That has made for a valuable, nonstop education. My personality lends itself very well to learning on the fly and to developing hacking systems. I have an inability to sit still, an insatiable appetite to learn, and an obsession with productivity, efficiency, and winning. All of these things made for a useful package that is now in front of you. My wife and I have what I consider to be a wonderful marriage and an exceptional family life. I know that these things are a gift, and I cannot take credit for the success in the household. My partner is a super ninja, and I was raised in a very stable, loving household myself. But just so that you can trust me, you should know that I completed tons of homework before ever considering fatherhood and have remained studious throughout the journey. To this day, I still crave to learn more about the vocation. The plan is ever-changing, and the dynamics can shift so dramatically that if you don’t learn to pivot quickly, you will get disoriented and lost. I experiment every day. I have a creative mind that loves to problem solve and create new tactics, techniques, and strategies. I have learned a great deal, and it would be selfish not to share these things. That is why this project happened. My goal is not all pious; part of it is also selfish. That’s because I really need you to succeed so that the world that my children live in is a better one.
If you are up for it, we’ll just jump right in. I have high expectations for you. If you join me on this journey, I promise that I will not insult you with constant references to beer, the toilet seat, or football. I will not try to be cool and relevant by calling you “dude,” “homie,” or “playa.” I will not mindlessly fill pages with extra content just to make it look more impressive and make me look like a real author. We will cover important topics clearly and concisely. This is a functional book for you, not a self-fulfillment project for me. I respect you for considering the journey and hope that this will enrich your life. It’s not about you. It’s not about me. It’s about family, and now is the time.
The Political Correctness Disclaimer:
For the sake of simplicity and brevity, I made a decision to refer to the child in this book as a “he,” and to call the woman who is carrying your child your “wife.” I know that there are many inclusions and exclusions to take into account on these subjects and that generalizations are taboo (in general). However, it will take too much time to use all of the exceptions and variations every time a man, woman, or child is mentioned. If you are not married, the same systems still apply. If you are having a baby girl or three of them, the rules still work. I’m not discriminating; I’m just impatient. Please forgive me.
Tomorrow is a New Day
If we are given happiness, it’s easy to pass it on. If we are experiencing anger and pain, they are even easier to pass on. We transfer attitudes and emotions automatically, unless we make an active choice not to.
Every generation should be better than the previous one. I know that every person reading this has a vastly different story to tell (or adamantly withhold) about their own fathers. If you are like me, your dad did a terrific job, and you want to climb to new heights with your children. On the contrary, if you are someone like my father, your dad wasn’t a model example. He may have given you undeniable reasons to be very different so that your children would not be forced to endure any of the same sufferings that you did. Those experiences have motivated you to be so much better for your family. That attitude, Sir, is to be commended. As my father says and practices, “You can choose to be a victim forever, or you can choose to change the future.” Indecision is a decision. You want to be the catalyst that starts a positive and permanent chain reaction for family involvement and success that will continue for many generations. Regardless of each unique situation, we should all be tirelessly working towards a higher level of devotion than we were given.
As an uncomfortable side note, if you are bitter and angry with your father, keep working to improve those feelings. Harboring unforgiveness in any relationship can hold you emotionally hostage and cripple your ability to reach full potential. This may seem unfair and terribly difficult to hear, but it’s still the truth. An awesome relationship hack is to develop the ability to forgive and to apologize. Very few people master it. There is so much freedom in these gestures, no matter how they are received. The act of doing it, albeit difficult, creates freedom. That freedom enables us to move on and escape the emotional burdens that are present when we are enduring ongoing heartache or abuse in a relationship. Forgiving someone else is a gift to self. We benefit the most when we forgive someone else.
You possess the power to be something amazing for your family or to be something shameful. Regardless of where you have been or what you have done, now is the time to get serious. The only thing that you can control from here is your effort. Let’s make sure that component is unwavering. Stay focused, become strong, and keep your head up. Eventually, every storm passes, making way for a brighter day. Time and maturity and can heal many wounds. A diligent pursuit of what is true, loving, and just can cure many ills. We must chase the things of value and give of ourselves every day. In the absence of guilt and shame, while maintaining a sense of satisfying duty, we become the rock that cannot be shaken. The daily problems and hassles that derail many men will not even phase you, because you know who you are. Real love is demanding, but it’s the only option for real men.
Real love is putting into action the realization that someone is more important than yourself. You can achieve this virtue with your child regardless of what your parents did or did not do for you. Fatherly love is the act of giving your life for the sake of someone else’s needs. Love your wife, and love your (soon-to-be) child. If you love and give it all you have, you elevate them to a higher position. It is in that process that we can find some peace and meaning in our lives. It’s important for us to see our work benefitting others, especially those that we care for the most. When near the end of life, many men look back with regret and feelings of failure, knowing that they should have taken the job more seriously. No one ever says, “I wish I had spent less time and effort on my kids.” Most men realize the shortcomings and regrets long before they reach their death beds. Hopefully, this realization occurs before irreparable damage has been done. The true measure of a man is his sense of this vocation and more precisely, how he chooses to love. When you do it well, you are respected, and the love is more likely to be reciprocated. As men, we all desire to be respected. We want to hear things like “good job” and “thank you,” and while these are all fine and good, the message that we desperately need to receive is, “I’m proud of you.” Your child may not say this for 15, 24, or even 55 years, but the only way to increase the probability that it will ever happen is if you stay the course for the duration and give him countless, undeniable reasons to validate you. More importantly, he will see the role of a real man and a real father throughout his life. That example will lead him to be one too. What we choose to do now will affect generations after us.
Part of being a successful father is taking extreme care of our children. The other part of that equation is that we must also take extreme care of their mother. Their mother will be the one person who they probably value above all the rest. We must protect that supreme relationship and foster it whenever possible. Parents play different roles, and two working together in harmony is an amazing force for good. This partnership, or lack of, has the power to change a child’s future, for better or worse. We must give these roles the respect and attention they warrant.
I believe there is no such thing as “love at first sight.” Infatuation at first sight maybe. But make no mistake about it: love must be cultivated. We have to learn to love our wives. It is a process. Love grows. We get better at it onl
y if we intentionally work to do so. We don’t “love” pizza; we simply prefer its taste over another food. Some of us may not really love our wives yet. Like the pizza, we just admittedly prefer them over someone else. Nonetheless, we can learn to love them in a self-giving, sacrificial way. Continuously cultivating more love is the only way to succeed at this family gig. It is a cumulative, sometimes slow process.
We are all in this together. As the adage says, raising children takes a village. Just know that relying on the village, your mom, your mother-in-law, a daycare, or your best bud is not a foolproof plan. Villages burn down. Friends move away. Relatives and trustees pass away. A man can be suddenly left feeling abandoned without the help and support of friends or family. We must learn self-mastery in the rare event that we are deserted by the rest of the village, and our children come to rely on us alone. Even if we never encounter the need to parent solo, we should always be leading our family in a way that prepares for the possibility.
There are no do-overs when it comes to marriage and child-rearing. Every day matters. Every emotion matters. Every moment matters. You can reboot the server sometimes, but you can never completely replace the hard drive and dump the memory. Every decision from here forward carries much weight. There is too much at stake to approach this subject flippantly. Get your game face on.
We will now begin the journey. This book will cover two years’ worth of baby prep and one week of on-the-job training after the little one arrives. I know that this schedule seems a little unorthodox, but, in time, it will make sense. To end well, we must start well. This book is about preparing for a successful start and getting off on the right foot. We will begin the timeline at 24 months BC (Before Childbirth) and work our way to one week AD (After Delivery)
It’s plausible to think that you have less than 24 months at this point. That may be why you are reading so feverishly now. If you are ahead of the timeline, that’s all right. Please don’t skip ahead. Every bit of this information is valuable, even if you use it outside of the preferred or ideal stage. You will still be able to use most of this information this time around, but will certainly be able to use it next time, on baby number two. That is, if you do in fact survive this round and have enough amnesia to go for it again. I have confidence that you will do just that.
24 MONTHS BC (BEFORE CHILD)
How to Get Pregnant… It’s Harder Than You Think
It was the best season of my life, a remarkably euphoric time. Sex was happening daily, and I didn’t even have to earn it or convince her that it was a good idea.
So, you have decided that you want to have a baby. Most relationships start by actively trying to prevent a baby, then transition into casually not preventing anymore, and intending to just “let it happen.” Eventually, if merely being open for business doesn’t produce any results, couples may start deliberately trying to have a baby. The first few months of trying are a lot of fun, especially for the guys. For most of us, we are regularly getting to do the very thing that we think about 8,000 times per day. I think that stat may be a little high. Every seven seconds? Really? That number has got to be off by at least 10%. Nonetheless, most guys won’t have any trouble obliging their spouse when she is requesting, or demanding, the sacred ritual. I said, “the first few months” for a reason. The truth is, after a few months of unsuccessful trying, some new attitudes tend to crash the party. By this point, the guy is often in a blissful, almost unconscious routine. Sexual intoxication has become his new baseline, and he’s much less observant to real marriage behavior and needs. He may have lost a sense of reality and might be getting pretty spoiled. Planning the next session in his head, he begins missing the normal relationship signals. In stark contrast to his lack of focus, she is now starting to worry. She is upset that it hasn’t happened yet and is now questioning, probably for the first time, if everything is working properly. She is worried about you, about her, and about the future. Has she done something wrong? Have you?
In most cases, the trying continues with no change in schedule or methods, and the intended results remain unremarkably unchanged. That is, she doesn’t get pregnant, and you keep going hoping the same tactics will produce a different result. After a few more months, things start to get emotionally unstable. For the first time, it’s starting to feel like work, not play. Your supportive reassurance doesn’t seem to help as your loved one spirals into a sedated, worrisome, mental fog that never breaks. After 9 to 12 months, hopelessness sets in, and she wants to see a doctor. Now what? Most times, everything checks out fine with both parties. Sometimes an issue is discovered that needs to be treated or helped along, but most of the time the couple is left with the advice that they should just try more. This sequence is all too common but ALL wrong.
Two major problems plague couples when they are trying for the first time. One is that our expectations are usually way off. The other is that our technique is nowhere close to right. I think our expectations are off because of a simple lack of conversation. For whatever reasons, this is not a subject that comes up over dinner with friends. Women don’t want to talk about the difficulty they are having getting pregnant. It’s like this entire subject is just out of bounds. It makes people feel like they are failing. Guys certainly aren’t talking about it. They aren’t talking about anything. The assumption is that everyone else got pregnant as soon as they were ready because we never heard otherwise. The truth is that it is very common to be trying for 12+ months. It’s typically not even considered a potential infertility issue until after a year of unsuccessful attempts. A year of unsuccessful attempts should be the normal expectation, but again, no one ever talks about this. Everyone’s expectations are incorrectly framed from a lack of accurate information.
For women that have been using artificial means to prevent pregnancy for years, it could likely take even longer to become pregnant. Her system needs to recover from the physical, hormonal, and chemical stress it has been under for years. I think it’s a lot to ask for a woman to endure this chemical barrage, while we demand so little of men. I know that my stance on artificial birth control being unfair to women is rare, but maybe it’s worth explaining further. These pills take a healthy working system and influence parts of it to stop working. I think medicine should make a poorly functioning system work better, not make a perfectly good one shut down. The list of side effects is nauseating, and some of the risks are tremendous. Is it fair to expect women to deal with all of the burdens and all of the responsibility? It’s an accepted practice because most people think it’s the norm, but is it the best option? I know that some will think that I’m an alien, and this single paragraph may get me in trouble. I’m not trying to judge anyone. However, I do want you to think about alternatives that could be less noxious. Study all the methods and all the potential risks. Choose the best option for your wife, her sanity, and her health, even if it requires more work and discipline for you. I can tell you definitively that the men I know that decided not to demand this of their wives have seen immediate benefits in their marriages. Their wives appreciated it and loved getting off the meds. Those benefits are diverse, including physical, emotional, and sexual improvements. My wife and I do not use artificial birth control, and never have. For what it’s worth, I do practice what I preach on this topic.
Hopefully, a full recovery to a healthy system ensues after a cease in medicine. That transition back to normal function is not typically immediate, especially if certain parts of her system haven’t functioned naturally in several years. For people who have not been preventing with drugs, trying to get pregnant will likely be a faster process. Again, I’m not trying to start a fight or point fingers. I’m just seeking to frame some accurate expectations. It takes a while for most everyone to get pregnant, and it can take even longer if menstrual cycles have been interrupted for some time. Hormone levels have to stabilize to healthy levels again, and powerful chemicals have to be processed out of the system.
The common but troublesome dela
y in achieving pregnancy is natural and should be expected. So many small things have to happen in perfect timing to get pregnant. Even if you know the exact hour of peak fertility, it can still be a long shot. When you are just blindly guessing, it’s almost impossible. The expectation should be that it takes many months. You only get one really high percentage try per month. If you are lucky, you get two good chances. When we have tried 30 times, and it doesn’t happen, even though only one of them was actually a well-timed, viable try, it can feel impossible and hopeless. The real truth is that it’s not as bad as you think. You were really 0 for 1, not 0 for 30. The other 29 were not legitimate, educated tries. The problem is that you didn’t know that your timing was way off the mark. We must change the math in order to change the expectations and the success rate. Don’t worry, I am not going to restrict you to just two sessions per month. Where is the fun in that? Besides, I know that you are needier than that. I am too.
So, what about technique? I’m not trying to deflate your man prowess or cause your bowed chest to deflate during the one time of your life that you are actually enjoying your work. I’m sure that your technique is fine, Mr. Stallion. I am referring to the schedule. The technique of going for the gusto every chance you get is fun, but it’s also wrong. It’s true that if you do the deed every day, that you are bound to hit a day with good ovulation and high fertility. However, you are still unlikely to get the desired result, which is conception, right? Getting accurate information on how timing and technique affect your success rate is paramount. There are two components to this that people discount or don’t even consider. These two things are simple: her schedule and his schedule. Now is a good time for a little bit of education. If you know how it all works, you can dramatically increase your chances of success. I am amazed at guys on the golf course that have been playing the game almost weekly for ten years, that still can’t break 90, and still have the same dreadful slice that they had a decade ago. They never take time to diagnose the problem, to learn the mechanics, and then skillfully work on a smart solution to fix the problem. They just expect that with enough practice, it will work itself out and a desirable outcome will one day just appear. Unfortunately, hitting more balls the same way, over and over, doesn’t usually help—no pun intended!