Breathless With Her: A Less Than Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  What were my eyes doing on a fourteen-year-old boy?

  Or fifteen, or sixteen. A teenage boy?

  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t do anything. I was looking at someone who had to be related to me. And this was Frank Rose’s house, at least according to the detective.

  Horror washed over me. I knew exactly who this was. This was Frank Rose’s son. A son that he’d had with another woman. One he’d kept while he hadn’t kept Jennifer and me.

  “Hey, you okay? You look a little pale. Do you want some water?”

  The boy spoke quickly, his voice at that stage in puberty where it was just starting to crack, just starting to get a little deep.

  He was a teenager.

  He had to be my brother.

  Right? Or maybe I was just seeing things. Imagining things in order to make sense of it. Maybe he wasn’t related to me at all. Maybe those eyes were just common.

  But Jenn’s babies had those eyes, too. And so did my dad.

  “Who are you talking to, son?” a deep voice asked from the living room behind the kid. My hands shook, and I clenched them at my sides. “Is it Jessie from next door?” Frank Rose asked as he took a few steps forward.

  He put his large hand on his son’s shoulder, gave it a squeeze, and then looked up. His eyes widened ever so slightly, and I wondered what he saw?

  Did he see the little girl he had left behind?

  No, I didn’t think so. He wouldn’t know what I looked like now. He wouldn’t remember the little girl he had left far too young. He wouldn’t remember the child he had shattered in so many ways. The one that had learned to rely on him, only to learn to depend on no one. Because they all left. Everybody left you broken in the end.

  I looked like my mother, though. Other than my eyes and maybe a few gentle slopes of my face, I looked exactly like my mom. Is that what he saw right then? I didn’t know, but he looked at me, an older version of the man I had seen in photos. The father I could barely remember. He knew who I was.

  “Hey, Con. Why don’t you go in the back and help your mother, okay? I have to take care of this.”

  “Are you okay, Dad? She looks like she needs some water or something. It looks like she saw a ghost. You think we have ghosts?” Con asked, turning into his father’s hold like he didn’t have a care in the world. Like his dad loved him with everything that he had, and nothing was ever wrong or missing in his life.

  Why did this kid have that while I didn’t?

  Why did it hurt so much?

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll handle it. You go help your mother.”

  “No problem, Dad. Nice to meet you, lady.”

  He waved at me and then ran off to the back where his mother presumably was. A mother that he had in his life, the woman Frank Rose had stayed with.

  “Jenn?” Frank Rose asked, his voice low.

  And that was enough for me.

  He thought I was my sister.

  Because he had done the math and figured it couldn’t be his wife. The one he left. No, it had to be his daughter. But he’d been wrong. I wasn’t Jenn.

  “Wrong daughter, Frank.”

  I couldn’t believe I could actually speak just then, but nothing else came out. He blinked again. I didn’t know if he was going to say or do anything else. So I turned around and walked away as quickly as I could. I wasn’t going to run. I wasn’t going to scream and shout and ask him why he left us.

  Because I didn’t have that in me.

  He had created the perfect family, the ultimate life. My family—my mother, my sister, and I—hadn’t been enough.

  That was clear as day.

  I made it to my car, and he still didn’t say anything. I got in, set my purse on the passenger seat, turned on the engine, and pulled away.

  I got as far as the Community Center part of the neighborhood before I pulled over, my body shaking.

  I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do anything.

  He hadn’t said anything. Hadn’t even looked at me.

  My head hurt, and so did my heart. Because I knew I needed to get home, I needed to be safe, I picked up my phone and called without thinking. Because I knew he would come for me. At least, for now. Until everything changed.

  “Hey, babe, what’s up?” Devin said, his voice so soothing, I didn’t want him to hang up. Because what happened when he walked away? Who would I be then?

  “I need you,” I said softly. Breaking my rules. The ones that had kept me safe for so long. No, that was a lie. I wasn’t really that safe, was I?

  “Where are you?”

  I told him, and he said he’d be right there for me. Though it was probably going to take an hour since I wasn’t anywhere near home.

  I just sat there and looked at my hands, wondering how it had come to this.

  How could I rely on someone else?

  I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t depend on anyone but myself. I couldn’t get hurt again. Because if I fell for this man, if I fell for Devin, I’d always be worried. Worried whether I could pick myself back up again if things fell apart.

  I had fallen once, then had been left by my father.

  Fallen again, then left by Nicholas.

  I wasn’t sure I could do it with Devin.

  I wasn’t sure I could remain whole if he left me.

  I wasn’t sure I could remain whole at all.

  I was afraid. So afraid that if I let myself love him, there wouldn’t be anything left of me when he left.

  Because they always left.

  That was the one thing I knew.

  They always left me behind.

  I needed to push Devin away before he hurt me. It was the only way. Even if it broke me. Because I couldn’t hurt him either. I couldn’t let him fall and end up broken.

  I cared about him too much for that.

  So, I’d have to do it first.

  I’d have to be the one who ran.

  And I’d probably hate myself for it.

  Every. Damn. Day.

  Chapter 14

  Devin

  I had woken up this morning with Erin in my arms, both of us fully dressed, and her nuzzled into my chest, my chin on the top of her head.

  I had never been so scared as when I got her call the night before.

  She had said that she needed me. And I had wanted to break something for her, needed to fix it all. But I couldn’t. There was nothing I could do for her except hold her. But she had come to me. Or at least, she had asked for me. That meant something. She had asked me for help, and I had gone to her.

  When I arrived, she had been sitting stoically in her car, looking down at her hands, not doing anything else. Her face had been dry, but I had been able to see the tear tracks down her cheeks.

  She just looked at me, her eyes wide. Something had changed. Something was different.

  I wasn’t exactly sure what, but hopefully I would find out later today.

  She had told me why she was in Fort Collins. And I’d wanted to rip something in half. I’d wanted to growl as I stormed into that jackass’s house to demand an explanation.

  But she hadn’t wanted one. She’d emphatically said as much. And I didn’t want to hurt her by forcing one out of the man who was supposed to be her father.

  My dad hadn’t been the greatest, but at least he hadn’t been like that.

  Yeah, Dad drank a lot. A whole hell of a lot. But he hadn’t left us. Until he died.

  Yes, Mom had cheated on Dad, but she hadn’t truly left us either, until she died, too.

  No, our parents weren’t perfect, but at least they hadn’t moved to a new community in the same fucking state to start a new family.

  Erin had told me the whole story without really blinking, seemingly without feeling.

  I hadn’t known what to do, so I’d called Caleb to come and pick up her car, just like I had when she first walked back into my life in that sequined dress of hers.

  Both times, she hadn’t wanted to show that she was hurting, s
o she had hidden inside of herself. And, both times, I did my best to just be there for her.

  Caleb had brought her car back to my place and hadn’t asked any questions. But I knew he would be there for me.

  Just like I knew that Jenn would have been there for Erin if she had asked for help.

  But she had stated firmly that she did not want to bother her sister.

  So, I’d just held her all night, listened to her, but she hadn’t cried. She hadn’t done much of anything.

  She had been sort of wooden, but that was okay.

  Because she would get through this. And I would be by her side.

  Yeah, we were friends with benefits or whatever the fuck you wanted to call it, but we were something else now, too. We had to be something else. Given the way she leaned on me?

  Things were going to be okay. Yes, she was in pain. No, I couldn’t fix it for her. But I could be there for her.

  Things would be okay.

  Erin was at work today, apparently finishing up cakes for three weddings all at once. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure how she could do all of that, but she was good on her feet, and damn good at her job.

  The fact that I knew I probably needed to start working out a little bit more so I could fit into my jeans after trying out all of her cakes meant that I really wanted to keep her.

  After all, Dimitri had had to do the same thing when he got with Thea. Apparently, it was part of a Carr’s life to fall for a baker.

  I blinked and looked down at my phone. Had I fallen for her?

  Did I really love her?

  I liked being with her. I enjoyed her in my life. I was starting to plan things around her. I thought about her all the time. And if she wasn’t sleeping at my house, I was staying at hers.

  I had a feeling we were way past the friends with benefits stage and had moved into full-blown relationship status, even if she didn’t want to use the title.

  But did I love her?

  I think I did.

  And that…yeah. Yeah, that scared me. But that was fine. I would be fine.

  And so would she.

  As soon as she figured out exactly what she thought and felt about me.

  That was a little scary. But I wasn’t going to think about that. We would just keep going slowly. And I would gradually show her what she meant to me. And then, maybe, just maybe, she would trust me.

  Because, damn, I really needed that trust.

  And I really wanted her to love me back.

  But I didn’t have time to worry about that right then. I’d figure it out eventually. I always did. I wasn’t going to let this pass me by because I was worrying. At least, I hoped I wouldn’t.

  I stuck my phone into my back pocket and went to the bed of my truck where I’d put a few flower boxes that Amelia had asked me to pick up. She had a vehicle of her own, but since it was my day off, I’d said I would help out.

  Her job was gaining business, even as we headed into her least busy season of the year. She would need to hire new people soon, but for now, Caleb, Tobey, and I were helping out. I’d even gotten my friend Tucker to help out a few times, but with his job, he rarely had time to help. Dimitri helped when he could, of course, but since he was an hour away, it was easier for those of us closer to help out.

  I didn’t think Dimitri would ever move to Denver again, not with his woman and her family down in Colorado Springs. I had known that for a while now, but it was just starting to sink in as my brother began to settle in with his family, and I was looking to do the same. This was how things were going to be from now on.

  It didn’t really bother me all that much since it wasn’t like we were a plane ride away or anything, but all of us had figured out our places and roles in this family of ours, and mine was apparently the mother hen.

  Who knew?

  “Hey, you brought them, thanks!” Amelia said as she made her way to the back of my truck. “And you set them on blankets so you wouldn’t hurt your baby.”

  I eyed her. “Of course, I did. This truck is worth far more than your flower boxes.”

  “That is true. I can’t believe you even let us dare ride in it.” She put her hand over her heart and fluttered her eyelashes. “I mean, I almost have the vapors, Devin.”

  “I’m going to beat you,” I grumbled, holding in my laughter.

  “I’d have to take you out,” Tobey said, coming around Amelia. “Let me help you out, babe.” He reached across her, and my little sister froze, staring at the other man as he lifted the boxes.

  Babe?

  Since when did Tobey call my precious baby sister, babe?

  I’d have to talk to Caleb and Dimitri about this.

  As Tobey walked off, Amelia must have guessed where my thoughts had gone from the look on my face. “Shut up.”

  “Hey, I didn’t say anything.” I carefully reached in to take out the blankets and then shook them before I folded them and put them back into the truck.

  “You didn’t need to.”

  I shook my head and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “You’re imagining things,” I lied.

  “Gaslighter.”

  I winced. “Okay, fine. Sorry. I’ll do better about not wanting to punch any guy in the face who looks at you weird or calls you babe.”

  She nodded her head primly. “That’s all I ask.”

  “You don’t ask for much.”

  “Oh. I do. Sometimes. But, anyway, thanks for bringing these around. Are you coming over tonight to watch the game?”

  I nodded. “That’s the plan.”

  “Bring your girl with you.” She grinned and walked away, and I just shook my head, smiling right back at her. “My girl,” I whispered to myself. I liked that.

  In fact, I should go visit Erin. I had things to do today because I didn’t really get that many days off, but the time that I did have, I liked to be near her. I would just see what she needed, see if she was doing okay. I knew she was probably busy, but maybe I’d try to help. She didn’t accept assistance easily, but you never knew, perhaps I could get her to let me pitch in.

  She had seemed sad that morning, had pulled away a bit. I figured it was about her dad, so I was going to figure out how to help.

  Because I loved her.

  Jesus Christ. I loved her.

  And I needed to make sure that I got to keep her.

  She was running around the kitchen when I walked in, her hair falling out of her bun, and things moving a mile a minute.

  I immediately went to the sink, washed my hands, and looked down at her.

  “Hey, let me help.”

  She looked at me, her eyes wide. “Oh. You’re here. I thought I was going to see you later. I’m fine, Devin. I don’t need your help.”

  “Your staff isn’t here.” I looked around and frowned. “Just let me help.”

  “You shouldn’t be back here. You’re not on my staff, and you’re not covered under my insurance.”

  My brows rose. “That didn’t really stop me before.”

  “Because I was stupid, okay? I really don’t have time for this. You should go. I’ve got this. I have this all handled.”

  “Yeah, you do. But you don’t have to do it on your own.”

  “You don’t get it, do you?”

  I frowned, shaking my head. “I don’t think I do at all.”

  “Okay,” she said, letting out her breath. “You know what? I was going to do this later, but I can’t.”

  I froze, blinking. “It’s over. It was fun while it lasted, but it can’t continue. I just need some space.” She said the words so quickly, I didn’t really comprehend them. It was like they weren’t actually coming from her mouth. Like it wasn’t really her.

  What the ever-loving fuck?

  Rage spilled out of me, and I tried to hold it back. I knew this likely had something to do with her dad, must have something to do with what had gone on in Fort Collins, but I was pissed. So fucking pissed. “What’s next? It’s not you, it’s me?”<
br />
  “Hey, you know what? It’s a saying for a reason. We’ve had our time. But now it’s time to move on. We’re friends, right? Let’s just do that. I need some space.”

  “With another man?” I growled out the words and then froze. How the hell did that come from my head? “You know what, I didn’t mean to say that. It’s not what I meant.”

  She paled just a bit, but then her eyebrows lowered, and her nostrils flared. “You know what? Sure. That can be a reason. But just go, Devin. Thank you for your help. For everything.” She swallowed hard, and her eyes went glassy, but she blinked the tears away so quickly that I almost missed it. “Thank you for everything,” she repeated. “But this just got too serious, too quickly, and I wasn’t looking for this. I don’t want to hurt you. So you just need to go. Okay?”

  The mixer turned on the counter behind her, something beeped on the oven, and her phone started ringing. And all I could do was stare at her.

  She was pushing me away.

  Pushing me away, and I didn’t know how to fight it.

  I didn’t want to force her to love me.

  Didn’t want to make her do anything.

  She didn’t want to hurt me?

  “Too late, Erin. Too. Fucking. Late.”

  Her eyes widened. I didn’t care. I couldn’t. Because I didn’t know how to fix this. I was the one who was supposed to be able to fix things, right? And I couldn’t.

  She didn’t want me. Fine. I wouldn’t be here.

  I just had to figure it out.

  I turned on my heel, and I left. She didn’t call me back.

  She didn’t reach out for me, didn’t want me to come back so we could talk it out.

  She had said right from the beginning that this had to be casual.

  I had been the one to change that.

  So, fuck it.

  Apparently, it was over.

  For good.

  Fuck.

  Chapter 15

  Erin

  I mean, I knew I was an idiot. I knew I had things to work through. I knew I needed to protect myself. I knew I needed to protect Devin.

  But, apparently, I was a bigger idiot and more of a horrible person than I ever knew.