Pretense

by Lori Wick

"Yeah," Mackenzie didn't hesitate.

  "Right now?" Delancey asked.

  "Sure, why not?"

  "I think Eric is going to call."

  "Well, he'll have to try again." Paul speared her with a look. "I'm not sure I even want you getting calls from boys at your age."

  Delancey had nothing to say to that. If she had to visit the apartment in order to have phone privileges with Eric, she would do it.

  As it was, she had a wonderful time. Both girls did. They liked the apartment and even learned that a girl from Mackenzie's class lived in the complex as well. They returned home in high

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  Spirits, the thought of moving momentarily overriding the dread of their father being gone for a year.

  Neither girl saw what Marrell saw-a year without her husband. And before that year could begin, three years of possessions had to be gone through as quickly as possible so the move could be made in a timely fashion. That night Paul stayed up late watching a movie. Marrell didn't join him. She turned in early, knowing the real work would start in the morning.

  "I think this is the last one marked 'Kitchen,'" Shay said as she deposited yet another box on the kitchen table. The movers weren't coming for two days, but Shay and Marrell had decided to get a jump on the boxes Marrell had packed and taken over to the new apartment.

  "Okay. Thanks, Shay," Marrell said tiredly as she unpacked a box of odds and ends. Shay joined her and looked down at the contents.

  "What are you going to do without your spatulas and spoons for the next few days?"

  "At present we're living on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

  "You poor thing. I'll bring something over tonight, okay?"

  "Oh, Shay, Paul would love it. He's very patient, but I can tell he's starting to loathe the taste of peanut butter."

  "What day did you tell me he's leaving?"

  "June 13- Five weeks from tomorrow."

  "And back at Christmas for a few weeks?"

  "Yes. We'll probably head to Lake Tahoe to ski, at least for part of the time."

  "And you leave for Colorado on July 1."

  "Yes. We'll be back the twenty-second."

  "And what day do the girls go back to school?"

  "Labor Day is early this year. I think they go back September 2."

  "And will you want to come to the office right away or have some time to yourself for a while?"

  "That's a good question. I don't know if I'll be relieved to be on my own or not." Marrell suddenly shook her head. "No, I won't like being alone. I'll probably come as soon as I can that week."

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  "Well, Marrell," Shay said as she pushed a few red curls from her face, "just know that no matter how much time you can give me, I can use you."

  "How much will I have to answer the phone? My biggest fear is that I'll be asked for information I'm not familiar with."

  "Not much, but you'll learn as you go along. Most of the questions concern buildings, and we design everything short of bars and nightclubs. A few months back we were even commissioned to put together a doghouse."

  "You're kidding."

  "No," Shay grinned. "The lady was thrilled with the work and even sent some business our way."

  Marrell shook her head. "I can see why you enjoy it."

  "I do that. Well, I'm going now. I need to get in a few hours at the office and then make dinner for some poor starving Army officer I know."

  Marrell laughed. "What time will we see you?"

  "About six o'clock."

  "Okay. Thanks, Shay."

  "You're welcome. Don't stay here and work too hard."

  "I won't."

  Shay let herself quietly out of the apartment but did not immediately rush away when she gained her car. With her eyes on the building, she began to pray.

  I'm glad that Your timing is perfect, Lord. I would have had the whole family saved and turning the world upside down by now, but You've asked me to be patient. They all mean so much to me, Lord. Help me to keep on for them.

  Lately I'm so lonely. I ache for companionship and someone to share my life, but You know all about that. It's been so long since I've been touched or held. I think I'm very vulnerable in that area right now, Father. Please protect me from myself. Don't bring anyone along who spins my head. I've got to think clearly.

  Shay started the car and pulled from her parking place, but her mind was still prayerful. It would be very easy to envy Marrell right now. She had a husband who adored her. But Shay did not want to settle for envy and discontentment. If and when God had a partner for her, He would reveal it.

  By the time Shay came to this peaceful conclusion, she was back at the office, her heart making a deliberate effort to turn her mind to business.

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  Six

  "Youcan't have both, Shay," Paul spoke tolerantly. "IfGod is both lovingandall-powerful, why is there so

  much pain in the world?"

  They had had this discussion before, but Shay still patiently answered. "You want God to fit into your own plan, Paul. You believe you know what's best for this world, and you want God to put His stamp of approval on your blueprint."

  "That's not true, Shay. Anyone with eyes can see what a sick world we live in. If God was all-powerful and all-loving, He would do something."

  As with their previous conversations, they got nowhere. Shay's answers were the best she could manage, and she knew that Paul was not just being argumentative, but tonight she had nothing more to say. It was a great relief when the girls needed their father.

  "Does it upset you that we disagree?" Marrell asked almost as soon as Paul left the room.

  Shay tipped her head to one side and said softly, "Tell me something, Marrell. If you believed with all your heart that tomorrow San Francisco would have the worst earthquake ever, would you leave the city?"

  "Of course."

  Shay nodded. "Would you be upset if your own daughters wouldn't listen to you? Would you be afraid for them if they refused to leave the city?"

  Marrell didn't answer. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see where she was headed, but she still had one question.

  "What is it that Paul and I should be so afraid of?"

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  Shay answered as best she could. "I mostly used that example to show you how strong my belief is. I know you haven't had your marriage break up, and you haven't made some of the foolish choices I have, but I still believe that all people need Christ. I also believe that someday God will return for His people, and that's where I think you need a sense of urgency. No matter what you believe, Marrell, I'll be your friend and love you, but I don't know how long God will wait for you to make up your mind. For all you know, you could die in a car accident tomorrow."

  "But I'm not afraid to die."

  "If you're counting on going to heaven because you're a good person, you should be."

  This was the bluntest statement Shay had ever made about her beliefs. They had talked on many occasions, and Shay had always been very sensitive about giving Marrell time. Marrell listened to her friend but truly believed she was fine.

  "I don't know what you mean exactly," Marrell finally said quietly, "but I'm not sure I want to talk about it right now."

  A look crossed Shay's face that swiftly made Marrell say, "No, Shay, not because I'm upset with you, but because I'm tired, and to be honest, I just want to concentrate on my time with Paul right now. I don't have that many more weeks with him."

  "I think I understand," Shay said kindly, remembering that before she came to Christ, this would have been exactly how she would have responded. She would have put God off for excuses far less valid than Marrell's.

  "Will you do some special things before Paul goes?" Shay responded, tactfully changing the subject.

  "Whatever we can fit into the weekends. We're trying to save the rest of his leave for Christmas."

  "Well, count on me this Saturday for the big move. And also, if you and Paul want any time on your ow
n, don't hesitate to bring the girls over."

  "Thank you, Shay."

  "You're welcome," Shay said and meant it.

  Paul and Mackenzie came back to the room, and conversation moved to school. Mackenzie was more than happy to be almost finished for the year.

  "How will you like the seventh grade?" Shay asked.

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  "A lot," Mackenzie wasted no time in saying. "I get to change schools and see some of my friends who are in the eighth grade. When I talked to them, they told me that junior high is really cool."

  "I'm glad to hear it. Your mom tells me you also have big plans for the summer."

  Mackenzie smiled. "We're going to see our great grandma in Colorado."

  "That'll be fun."

  "We can't ski because the snow is gone, but Grandma says there are lots of fun things to do."

  "Like what?"

  "I think swim mostly."

  "Does she have a pool?" Shay's brow lowered in thought.

  "No, but her next-door neighbor does, and she said we can swim any day we're there."

  "Would that be Mrs. Healy?"

  "How did you know?"

  "I grew up in Colorado Springs."

  Mackenzie's mouth hung open. "I didn't know that."

  Shay and Marrell both laughed.

  "Shay and I go back a long way."

  "How far?"

  "From the time we were little."

  "My age?"

  "Younger. I first met Shay in the second grade."

  The older women exchanged a glance and laughed again.

  "I think we've missed a private joke," Paul chuckled, winking at Mackenzie.

  "No," Marrell replied, her voice fond with remembrance. "It's just that Shay found out on that first day that I would never be a nurse. She was so afraid of school that she was sick, and all I could do was laugh at her pale face. I don't know if we ever would have been friends, but the teacher asked me to take her to the nurse, and on the way I tripped and nearly fell. We both had the giggles after that, and by the time we reached the nurse's office, we were red in the face andhiccuppingevery few seconds."

  "What did the nurse say?"

  "Only that we looked perfectly healthy and should return to our room."

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  "After that, we ate lunch together and were inseparable for the rest of the week. We never decided to be friends. It just happened."

  "What just happened when you were friends?" Delancey asked, having come into the room for the tail end of the conversation.

  Her mother gave her an abbreviated version but then announced bedtime.

  "I still have homework," Mackenzie said.

  "Then what have you been doing sitting out here?" Her father's tone left no doubt as to his displeasure.

  Mackenzie made a beeline for her room, Paul on her tail, and Delancey was told to brush her teeth and head to bed.

  "I'm not sure how I'll do when he's gone," Marrell admitted. "The girls are so much older this time."

  "I feel for you," Shay said honestly, "but Marrell, I think the time is going to fly."

  Marrell's brows rose. "Maybe on the other end it will seem that way, but tonight, a year feels like forever."

  Shay nodded but said no more, although she felt she could relate. "Forever" was the way she'd started to see her progress with the Bishops. She had told the Lord that she would hang in there with this family no matter what, but at times it felt as though she were spinning her wheels. Several months ago she had even gone so far as to put some distance between them, but Marrell still sought her out. Shay worked to live her life before Christ, no matter whom she was with, always assuming that Marrell would be turned off and keep away, but that was not the case. If Shay made herself scarce for a few days, Marrell called.

  "You look far away," Marrell remarked, cutting into her thoughts.

  "I was," she admitted. "I'm suddenly very tired. Maybe I'll head home."

  "Okay." Marrell smiled. "Thanks for dinner, Shay. You're a lifesaver."

  Shay grinned. "I'll see you Saturday morning. Do you want me here or at the apartment?"

  "At the apartment."

  "What time?"

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  Marrell pulled a face. "We're going to get going before eight o'clock, but that's your only day to sleep in, so come whenever you want."

  "All right."

  Marrell walked Shay to the door, everything seemingly fine between them. She waved her friend off and then thought some more about the conversation. What would Paul say if he knew she was thinking a lot about Shay's life compared to her own? Marrell shuddered at the thought, not because Paul would be angry, but because there was a slight chance he would be irritated.

  Not this close to your leaving,Marrell spoke to Paul in her heart.Whatever I've got going on right now can wait. I can't send you away on a fight. Nothing's that important.

  This settled in her mind, Marrell went back to the living room. Paul joined her soon after and turned the TV on. Marrell nearly sighed with relief that he didn't want to talk about the conversation with Shay. She could keep her thoughts private if he didn't ask, and she was determined to do that right up to the moment he left.

  Colorado Springs

  "It already feels like forever," Marrell admitted to her grandmother on the third day they were there. "And he hasn't even been gone a month."

  "The girls seem to be doing well," Pearl Walker rejoined.

  "They are now, but Mackenzie was inconsolable right after Paul left."

  "Mackenzie was? I'm surprised."

  "Why is that?"

  "She's grown up so much, Marrell. In many ways Delancey is still a child, but Mackenzie has become a young lady."

  Marrell couldn't help but smile with pride. Mackenziewasgrowing swiftly. She had shot up in the last six months until she was within a half inch of looking Marrell in the eye. Her emotions had gone through some transformations as well. One minute she was open and ready to talk, and the next moment she was quiet or buried in a book. She wasn't what Marrell would term sullen, but it wasn't unusual to catch her staring into space with a dreamy look on her face.

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  "You didn't tell me how you like the apartment," Pearl cut into Marrell's thoughts.

  "It's very nice. Quieter than I thought it would be, and that suits me just fine. About the only drawback is the lack of yard. There's no real place for the girls to play. D.J. often rides her bike in the parking lot, and I worry about that."

  "I worry about San Francisco in general," her grandmother admitted.

  Marrell's brows rose. "Some of the things I see in the paper and on the news make my hair stand on end. It's amazing that we really aren't all that affected by it. We have good friends and good neighbors."

  "It's the Lord's way of taking care of you," Pearl said softly, and Marrell stared at her. Pearl didn't notice; her eyes were on the yard.

  Never had Marrell heard her grandmother speak in such a way. Pearl Walker was not a religious person, so where had that come from? Marrell was still staring at her grandmother when she looked back at her.

  "I guess I'd better get a snack ready. I can see Delancey coming with a towel wrapped around her. They'll both be brown as berries by the time you leave." Pearl pushed to her feet and moved to the kitchen.

  Marrell kept her seat, glad that no reply was necessary since she'd barely heard her grandmother's last comment. Shay spoke about the Lord all the time, but Marrell was used to that. Coming from her grandmother, it was just such a shock.

  Why is it such a shock?Marrell asked herself.Why would it upset you if your grandmother had a relationship with God?Marrell didn't need to search far for the answer. How many years now had she been feeling left out? Marrell had lost track, but this much she did know: Not at any time did she feel included. The other officers' wives were kind and generous with their time, but Marrell never felt she fit in. Shay was a wonderful friend, but Marrell knew there was a huge gap between them. Even the girls at times seemed t
o need each other more than a mother. They loved her and most of the time got along famously, but at times Marrell felt left out. Paul was the only person who made her feel even remotely complete, and he was gone until December.

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  The thought of Paul had no more materialized than Marrell realized it wasn't entirely true. Lately not even Paul was able to make her feel needed and vital. So many women were trying to discover themselves. Maybe she was one of them. A long time ago Shay had looked at her as if she needed a doctor when Marrell had been proud to tell her she was a wife and mother and nothing more. But maybe she should have been more. She was looking to her husband and children to fill her life. Maybe she should have been looking to herself.

  Well, you don't have long to find out, Marrell. You start at Shay's office in the fall. If you want a chance to find yourself in a "real"job, you're going to getyourchance.Just before Delancey came in the door, Marrell's heart wondered why the thought gave her no excitement at all.

  "Hello," Marrell said, picking up the ringing phone unsuspectingly.

  "Hi, Babe," responded the deep voice on the other end. It sent Marrell's pulses racing. Her throat closed so fast that she couldn't even answer her husband. "Are you all right?"

  "No." The word came out with a sob.

  "It's okay, Mary," he said tenderly. "Just take a few seconds. It's all right."

  "I miss you," she managed.

  "Tell me about it." His voice was dry. "I spent last evening with the CO, and his wife is here. Every time he put his arm around her, I wanted to howl at the moon."

  Even in her tears, Marrell laughed. It was the perfect thing for him to say. She snuffed and sniffled a bit more but managed to get herself together.

  "What's he like?" she finally asked.

  "The CO? Okay. I strongly suspect he's religious like Shay, but he hasn't brought it up, so I guess I can live with it."

  Marrell shook her head. Was there any escaping people who thought they had all the religious answers? But that was not what she wanted to talk about to her husband.

  "How are you, Paul? I mean, really?"

  "I'm fine.Really.How are you and the girls?"

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  "We're all right. The girls are having the time of their lives at the neighbor's pool and with some of the kids here. I suspect one of the boys is interested in Micki, but she's taking it in stride."