Craving Hawk

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  My heart pounded as I closed my laptop and slid off my bed.

  I pulled on a pair of jeans and smoothed down my hair as I waited for a knock on my door. Then I hurriedly made my bed. I looked around the room and noticed my plethora of water glasses on my bedside table, so I picked those up and set them in the kitchen sink. Then I stared at the door.

  There was no knock.

  I glanced around in confusion for a second, wondering if I’d been hearing things. I knew I’d heard Harley pipes.

  I strode over to the door and swung it open.

  Even though I’d been expecting him, I was still blown away when I came face to face with Thomas Hawthorne.

  He was leaning on his bike with a pack of cigarettes in his hand, and as his eyes met mine, they widened.

  I couldn’t speak. I opened my mouth to say something, but the words got tangled up in my throat. He looked good.

  His hair was longer on top. Even messier than it had been before. And his cheeks had lost the hollow look I’d assumed was his normal. He was cleaner than I remembered, more put together, less sloppy.

  “Hey, wife,” he said quietly, standing up straighter.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, crossing my arms across my chest.

  God, I’d missed him. Why the hell had I missed him so much? Seeing him was like turning the light on after being without power. Everything was brighter. Clearer.

  “I got the papers,” he said roughly, taking a few steps forward.

  “I wasn’t sure where to send them,” I mumbled, refusing to step backward as he came closer.

  “I’ve been stayin’ with my parents,” he replied with an embarrassed smile. “Hard to sleep at the clubhouse, and my place still isn’t fit for humans.”

  “I’m sure your mom loves that,” I said stiltedly, smiling back.

  It was awkward and uncomfortable, and the only thing that would have been worse was if he’d turned and walked away.

  “I’m—” he stuttered to a halt and laughed uncomfortably, pushing his hair back from his face. “I wanted to apologize. For that night—I wanted to apologize.”

  I nodded.

  “I know you probably won’t believe me, but I woulda never hurt you, baby.” He grimaced. “I scared ya. I know that. I was outta control and I fuckin’ scared ya. But I never woulda laid a hand on you in anger.”

  “You were so mad,” I whispered, meeting his eyes.

  “Wasn’t mad at you,” he replied, shaking his head. “I didn’t want you to tell my dad. Woulda done almost anything to stop ya, but I never would have hurt you. That was never an option for me.”

  “You punched your brother in the throat trying to get to me,” I pointed out, clenching my hands into fists.

  “When I found that tweaker on top of you,” he said quietly, “I completely lost my mind. They got me offa him, and pulled me inside, but none of ’em would tell me if you were okay. If you were hurt. Then you came in the room and you were so upset, sugar.” He shook his head and fidgeted, putting his pack of cigarettes into his pocket and then taking them out again. “I couldn’t take it. I was so out of it I didn’t realize I was the one upsettin’ you. I just saw you, shaking and crying, and Will wouldn’t let me near you.”

  I searched his face, but there was no lie there. He was completely transparent, both mortified and ashamed, but not dishonest.

  “I can’t live like that,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, Tommy, but I can’t do it.”

  “No, I know that,” he said, looking down at his boots. “Would never expect ya to.”

  “Did you—”

  “I’m—”

  We both spoke at the same time and then laughed awkwardly.

  “You first,” I said.

  “I’ve been seein’ a psychologist,” he said, trying and failing to seem nonchalant about it. “Been seein’ him since you left.”

  “I’m glad,” I replied.

  “I’m…it’s not a quick fix, you know?” he mumbled, tipping his head from side to side. “It fuckin’ sucks, and half the time I leave feelin’ worse than when I got there.”

  “That sounds hard.”

  “It is. It’s fuckin’ difficult.” He chuckled, making me smile. “But I think it’s workin’. I do. I’m sleepin’ a little better. Don’t feel like I’m comin’ out of my skin half the time.”

  “I’m really happy for you,” I said softly, leaning against the doorway.

  “Yeah,” he said softly. “Thanks.”

  My heart started to race as we stood there in silence. He was going to leave. We were going to run out of things to talk about and he was going to leave and then it would be over.

  “The thing is—” his voice broke and he cleared his throat. “The thing is, I’m in love with you.”

  I jerked my head back in surprise.

  “Maybe that doesn’t make a difference,” he said softly, his eyes intent on mine. “But if it does, sugar, I swear to God I’ll make you happy.”

  “Tommy,” I murmured, shaking my head in confusion.

  “I’ve thought about you every day,” he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “It doesn’t matter what I’m doin’ or where I’m at. Sometimes I leave that shrink’s office thinkin’ I’ll never go back, but then I get my head on straight and go back anyway, ’cause I don’t want to be that guy that can’t get his shit together. The guy that scares his wife.”

  My lips started to tremble as his voice grew rough.

  “When I’m workin’ on the house, I’m always makin’ decisions based on what I think you’ll like, even though there’s a chance you’ll never see it. The holidays felt fuckin’ wrong without you there. I haven’t been able to sleep at the club, ’cause I can’t stand bein’ in that room without you. You’re the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I’m fallin’ asleep, every night, without fail.”

  “We were together for a week,” I choked out, trying to control the way my breathing had grown shallow.

  “And I’ve had six months to miss you,” he replied simply.

  “I don’t even know—”

  “Do you love me?” he asked, interrupting me. “If you don’t, I’ll go. I mean, I’ll cry myself to sleep at night, but I won’t bother you again.”

  I let out a little snort as he glanced to the side, a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. He was trying so hard to act like he wasn’t nervous, but I could see it. It was in the way he held his body and his facial expressions and inflections.

  “I love you,” I said softly.

  His breath left him in a rush and he swayed a little.

  “But I don’t know how it could ever work.”

  “We’ll make it work,” he said, reaching out slowly. I watched his hand as his fingers ran softly down my arm, and I let him lace his fingers with mine. “We don’t have to go back to how it was before.”

  “I can’t do that,” I replied with a shake of my head.

  “We shouldn’t do that,” he agreed, running his thumb over the top of my hand. “But we could try again. From the beginning.”

  I shivered as the wind blew hard, and he stepped directly in front of me so his broad shoulders blocked most of the cool air. He lifted his arms and I instinctively moved forward, stopping in embarrassment when he braced them on the door jam.

  I gave a little half laugh and started to step back again, but I didn’t make it far. His arms wrapped around my back in a rush, and his face went straight to my neck, his nose cold against my skin.

  “I missed you,” he mumbled as I slipped my hands under his vest and around his waist. “I missed you so fuckin’ much. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”

  I felt tears hit the backs of my eyes as his arms tightened and he lifted me off my feet, carrying me far enough into the apartment that he could close the door behind him. He didn’t let go of me, and he never once moved his face away from my neck.

  “I never meant to scare you,” he said
. “Jesus Christ. I never meant to scare you.”

  “I’m so glad you’re doing better,” I whispered, reaching up to lay my hand on the back of his head.

  “Don’t wanna do it without you,” he whispered back. “I will if I have to. But please, baby, don’t make me.”

  “Okay,” I choked out.

  He shuddered.

  He held me there for a long time, sliding his hands up and down my back over and over again, but he didn’t say anything else. I think both of us were a little raw then, and neither of us really knew where we went from there.

  Tommy was doing better, but there was no cure for the problems he was dealing with. Managing his symptoms and dealing with the stuff that haunted him would be something he dealt with his entire life. If I stayed with him, if we stayed married, that was something I’d have to deal with, too.

  It would’ve been easy to fall back into bed again; that was clear from how easily we’d done it the first time, but neither of us was ready for that.

  If we tried to build too quickly, things would get put together wrong, parts would be missing, and eventually we’d fall apart again.

  “If I don’t leave, I don’t know that I’ll ever leave,” he said eventually, lifting his head.

  His hands slid up my back and into my hair, and I closed my eyes as his fingers sifted through it.

  “I’m gonna give you tonight,” he murmured, his thumb sliding along my jawline. “But I’ll be back in the mornin’, alright?”

  “Are you okay?” I asked, searching his face.

  “Fantastic,” he said, dropping his forehead to mine. “But I’m feelin’ a little overwhelmed and I need a minute to process.”

  I pulled away at the sting of his words. He’d come to my house. He’d said he was in love with me. Then all of a sudden he didn’t know how to deal with the news?

  “Heather,” Tommy said, exasperated. “Come here, baby.”

  He pulled me back and wrapped his long fingers around the sides of my head, holding me in place.

  “I wanna fuck you,” he said point blank, his fingers tightening just a little. “I wanna feel your skin, and I wanna taste all the parts of you that I’ve missed and I really, really want to slide inside you and stay there all fuckin’ night.”

  I tipped my head back a little until I could feel his breath on my mouth.

  “But feelin’ this outta control ain’t good for me, sugar,” he murmured, running his nose along mine with a groan. “And we shouldn’t be playin’ grab ass until we’re more solid.”

  He pulled away and I stared at him in surprise as he took a step backward toward the door.

  “Who the hell are you?” I asked.

  “I’m your husband,” he said seriously. “And I’m gonna do it right this time.”

  Then he opened up the door behind him and slipped out.

  * * *

  The next morning I met my sister at Molly’s for coffee and breakfast.

  “Tommy came to see me yesterday,” I said as I came in the front door. “And he’s fucking gorgeous, as always.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks as I reached the kitchen. “Uh, hi, Will,” I said in surprise. “I thought you were at work.”

  “Clearly,” he said with a laugh. He leaned down and kissed Rebel, then turned and kissed Molly. “I’m just headed there now. I’ll tell my brother you said hi.”

  He walked out the back door and I glared at Molly.

  “You could have warned me,” I said, sitting down at the kitchen table.

  “Like it would have mattered,” she argued. “You would have said the same exact thing if you’d known Will was here.”

  “True,” I sighed.

  “So Tommy went to see you, huh?” she asked, just as my sister came down the hallway.

  “What did that douchebag want?” Mel asked, ruffling my hair as she passed me.

  “He got the papers,” I told them as Molly set a cup of coffee on the table in front of me.

  “Did he sign them?” Mel asked.

  “Uh, no,” I mumbled, blowing on my coffee to cool it. “He told me he was in love with me.”

  “That motherfucker!” Mel shouted.

  “Melanie, watch your mouth!” Molly snapped, glancing at Rebel, who was currently lacing and unlacing a pair of shoes and didn’t give a shit what we were talking about.

  “That motherbear,” Melanie spat. “Please tell me you nut punched him.”

  “Mel,” I sighed, shaking my head.

  “You can’t be serious,” she barked incredulously.

  “He’s doing so much better,” I said into my mug, ignoring the way she scoffed.

  “It’s actually true,” Molly said quietly, sitting down at the table. “I’ve been around him a lot. You can actually see the difference.”

  “He wants to try again,” I said. “Without rushing this time.”

  “The horses have already left the effing barn!” my sister said, rolling her eyes.

  “Wait.” I lifted my hand and looked at her in confusion. “What?”

  “Shutting the barn door after the horses are already out,” she said impatiently, like I was supposed to understand what the hell she was trying to say.

  “Huh?” Molly asked.

  “They’re already married,” Mel snapped.

  “Oh,” Molly replied, drawing the word out. “Right. But they’re not living together. Tommy’s living with his parents—”

  “Loser,” my sister mumbled.

  “He has a house,” I pointed out with a shrug. “It’s just not livable yet.”

  My sister looked at me, her mouth gaping open. “You’re actually considering it.”

  “I love him, Mel,” I said softly, shrugging.

  “Just take your time, sisterbeast,” Molly said, reaching out to pat my back. “You don’t have to decide anything right away.”

  “Are you sure?” Mel asked. “Because my insults have been getting pretty good, and I haven’t even used all of them yet.”

  “I’m not sure about any of it.” I laughed. “But if I don’t try, I think I’ll regret it.”

  “So, no divorce then,” Molly said, tapping the table.

  Rebel chose that moment to try a new word, and a quiet, raspy, “Diborsss, diborce, div, divorce,” floated up from her place on the floor.

  “Oh, thank God it wasn’t motherfucker,” Molly whispered to the ceiling, raising her hands in the air and shaking them side to side like she was praising the Lord.

  I dropped my head to the table and laughed until I felt tears running down my face.

  * * *

  An hour later I walked out of Molly’s trailer and straight into Tommy.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked in surprise as I stopped at the top of the porch steps.

  “Will said you were here,” he replied with a grin, moving up the steps until he was standing right below me.

  His hands slid up my thighs until they rested on my hips.

  “Told you I’d be back in the morning,” he murmured, his thumbs smoothing over my hipbones.

  “You did say that,” I whispered back, a smile pulling at the edges of my mouth.

  I leaned down slightly, and the minute his lips met mine I was sure.

  For as long as he kept working on getting better, I was sure.

  If he kept looking at me like I was the best present he’d ever received, and my heart continued to race every time he entered a room, I was sure.

  He was it for me.

  Acknowledgements

  Readers and bloggers: You’re the wind beneath my wings.

  Mom and Dad: You rock. Thanks for all your help…again. You guys do so much for me, I can’t ever thank you enough.

  Girlies: I love you. I’m sorry that I’ve been so busy lately. I promise we’ll go to the pool tomorrow.

  Sister: Thanks for listening to my venting and cheering me on… and proofing with your eagle eye.

  Donna: I’ll tell you thank you a million more times
before I’m done.

  Letitia: You nailed the cover. Thank you so much!

  Ellie: Hi. You totally saved my ass. I love you.

  Toni: Oh, hey. How you doin’? Peas and Carrots.

  Heidi: I never would have finished this book without you cheering me on.

  Rebecca, Tracy, Amber, and Melissa: Best betas ever. Thanks for reading in a hurry… again. I owe you one.

  Marisa: Thanks for having my back, like always.