American Love Story (Dreamers)

by Adriana Herrera

  “Dude, you look mad emo right now.” Nesto’s reproachful tone finally pulled me out of my fretting. “I’ve been standing here for five minutes waiting for you to talk. The fuck, Patrice?”

  I rubbed a hand over my face, a little embarrassed. “Sorry. Just got distracted. Yeah, I gave Jude a ride, so he needs one of us to drive him back home.” At the mention of his partner, Nesto’s face lit up as usual.

  “Good, he’s been on a carpool kick lately. He’s been taking the bus, trying to be more mindful of the environment.”

  Jude had changed Nesto in so many ways. He and I had always been the intense ones in our foursome. Nesto, Camilo, Juanpa and me.

  Like me, Nesto had never made time for romance or indulged in situations that could end up messy. He’d taken huge chances when he’d left the city to come here. Put it all on the line with his business and his heart, but it had paid off. Here he was living with a man he loved. His whole life on a different track.

  I wanted to talk with Nesto about seeing Easton. I knew I needed some advice, but still couldn’t make myself open my mouth. Why was it so hard for me to talk about this stuff? Nesto was like my brother, we’d seen each other through everything.

  Why couldn’t I open up to him about this?

  Before I talked myself out of it, I did it. “I ran into Easton last night.” As soon as I mentioned him, an image of how he’d looked filled my head. He’d just been in jeans, a sweater and sandals, but as always it all looked like it was tailor-made for his lean body. The only little bit of imperfection had been his adorably ruffled hair. His dark brown, almost black hair was usually perfectly styled, but last night it had been messy, which only made him that much more appealing to me. Those green eyes flashing with want and something else when he saw me. Surprise and apprehension. Like he’d expected me to be an ass to him.

  I knew I’d run into him eventually. This was a small town and we knew a lot of the same people. And no matter how many times I told myself I was here because no one could say no to a tenure track position at an Ivy League school, I couldn’t lie to myself. The fact that Easton lived here had been on my mind in a big way while I was deciding to take this job.

  He was so fucking fine and seeing him last night had been sobering. Everything inside me seemed to realign when I was around him. Easton made me feel like I was the center of the universe, like I could be however I wanted and he’d be into it.

  Being myself in front of people I didn’t know was not easy for me. Even with my friends I was closed off and guarded at times. I was always on the lookout for what was going on, mindful of the space I was taking up. Aware of all the different ways people were looking at me. How I was coming off, and the assumptions people were making about me.

  A black man had to always think about the space he was in.

  Most of the time it seemed like people were looking right through me. Not Easton.

  He looked at me like my friends and my mother looked at me. Like he could see all of me. The me on the outside and the me on the inside, and that fucking scared me. There was too much I didn’t want to be seen so clearly. That the Zen thing I tried to go for, the slow movements and the soft voice, were just my way of keeping the almost overpowering frustration I constantly felt from spilling out.

  Easton was so lighthearted, like he’d never known pain. The guy’s job was to prosecute SVU cases. I knew he saw heinous shit day in and day out, and yet his face was always as open as a blue sky. No hurt, no bitterness. Such certainty everything would be all right. That if you fought the good fight you’d take the day. Like he could show what he felt and didn’t fear anyone would come back later and use it against him.

  I didn’t know what to do with that.

  Me, I was painfully aware of what it took for me to get the job I had. What I’d had to do, ignore, let go of, overlook or just bury down until it burned out in my gut. I could work ten times as hard as anyone else, get as far ahead as possible, and the feeling like it could all be taken away was ever present.

  That was something I never seemed to shake off. Closeness was not something I could do easily. I’d practically given up on getting it from anyone other than my best friends and the family members who continued to speak to me after I came out.

  That was until last summer and Easton. As soon as I set eyes on him walking toward Nesto’s truck, those impish green eyes and that perfect smile lured me in. I was still trying to let go. With Easton it was like my heart and my body were working together to override my entire approach to life.

  Nesto just shook his head like I confused the fuck out of him. “So?” he said, circling a hand in the air to get me to come out with whatever I was not saying. “How’s he?”

  I knew the smile on Nesto’s face when I mentioned Easton was genuine. Easton had been a good friend to Nesto since he’d arrived in Ithaca. My friend looked out the window, his eyes trained in the direction of the county courthouse where the District Attorney’s office was. “He’s been busy since he started the interim DA gig. Hasn’t stopped by as often. He usually comes here for lunch a few times a week.”

  I nodded, thinking about what Easton had said last night. “He mentioned that. Said he’s not sure about the politics.” Easton’s answer had been ambivalent, which was different for him, at least when it came to his job. “Sounds like he’s thinking about it though.”

  Nesto nodded, eyes interested. “He’d be good for this town.”

  I blinked at that, because Nesto was not one to get political, ever. Jude on the other hand did not mince words when it came to opinions about bullshit happening in town. Once again, I smiled at all the changes love had made in my friend, but before I had a chance to detract the conversation, Nesto called me out.

  “Yeah, you’re not getting me off your run-in with Easton to talk about politics. Spit it out.”

  I shrugged, feeling stupid, because I wanted to spill my feelings all over this floor and that was so not the norm for me.

  “He was fine. It’s not like we had a heart-to-heart,” I said, lifting a shoulder like an asshole. “I was getting some snacks to bring to the office and ran into him. We only talked for like five minutes.”

  Nesto just stared at me, waiting for whatever else I was going to say to come out of my mouth. After fidgeting with my pocket square and generally acting like a preschooler, I finally said it. “He said his building had some vacancies when I told him my apartment might not work out.”

  Nesto’s eyes widened at that. “I actually thought about him, he told me he’d been fixing up those two units after the tenants left. He wanted to do something to the floors.”

  He must have noticed the confused look on my face, because he angled his head before asking cautiously, “He didn’t tell you he owns the building?”

  “No, he sure as fuck did not tell me he’d be my landlord!” I said, annoyed. “You know what, forget it.”

  Nesto was not done though, he flipped his hand and pointed two fingers at me. “He probably didn’t mention it because you would have told him no and pulled that judgmental stank face you’re rocking right now.” He twisted his mouth to the side before really going in.

  “P, what the fuck is your deal, my dude? I mean, I know why you may be all cagey with him, but why are you doing this shit with me?” He gripped the edge of the bar he was standing behind, as if it would somehow help him get ahold of his patience. “Come on, son. Even if you won’t admit it to your damn self, I know your ass is up here at least partly because you’re thirsting after his dick. Don’t deny, because I know the jobs you turned down to take this one. Not that I’m not fucking elated to have you here, because you know I am.”

  I frowned as he spoke because he was telling the absolute truth, but still the frustration bubbled up. “Okay, let’s say it’s true. Let’s say I do like him, what am I going to do with that, Nesto? I have literally spent the last ten years
of my life studying and writing about how the system that Easton works every day to uphold is weaponized to keep people like me in chains. How do I reconcile that?” I gripped my hands together and pressed them to my chest, my voice strained when I finally spoke. “I mean really, I’m asking, because I have no fucking clue how to do that.”

  Nesto sighed and looked at me like I was too fucking difficult to deal with this early on a Monday.

  “I don’t know, pa.” Nesto exhaled, deflated, because in the end he knew my struggle all too well. When he spoke, the frustration was all gone, and all that was left was a kindness and understanding that was somehow even harder to hear. “I got no pearls of wisdom to bestow upon you. All I know is, life is too fucking short—and frankly fucked up—to dismiss someone who makes you happy out of hand, just because your jobs put you at odds. I mean what do you really even know about Easton? Other than he’s fine as fuck and a generally pleasant guy.” He was ticking his fingers at this point. “And that he can obviously work his dick in a way that totally does it for you.”

  I rolled my eyes at that and Nesto chuckled, holding up his hands to concede some kind of point.

  “I know you’re gonna keep agonizing over this, and I understand it’s more than your jobs being at odds. Being with a man like Easton feels like compromising. I get that. I know it’s not anything to take lightly. So take your time and do what you need to. But just chill out a little, okay? Let your guard down for once. Some people are worth sacrificing certain things for.”

  The beatific look on his face let me know Nesto was probably talking about Jude again. They’d worked hard at their relationship and their devotion for each other was plain to see. Getting together hadn’t been easy for them either. Jude had a hard past, which had made the early stages in their relationship complicated, and Nesto almost let his workaholic ways ruin things for them, but they’d powered through it. Nesto had the life he always dreamed of.

  He knew what he was talking about.

  I dipped my head, acknowledging he had a point. “I know certain people are. I appreciate you understanding that things are complicated and I will try to take your advice and let my guard down a bit.” I shoved my hands into the pockets of my slacks, still conflicted. “At the moment, I’m not feeling ready though. I need more time to get my bearings here, get a feel for my department and the fuckery I’m sure is happening there. So Easton will just have to be on hold for now.”

  He threw his hands up again, like he knew I wasn’t going to budge another inch.

  “You do you, P. We here if you need us. Let me throw you a bone by changing the subject.”

  I laughed helplessly at Nesto’s usual directness. “Sure.”

  He looked back toward the kitchen to where Ari—one of Nesto’s original two employees when he first got to Ithaca, and who was now an assistant manager at the restaurant—was standing.

  “Ari wants to ask you if you would be his mentor. Nothing too deep, just some advice on school, for now. He’s working on getting fully matriculated and wants advice on classes and such.”

  The warmth in my chest at what Nesto said was a surprise.

  “Really? I thought he wanted to be a lawyer? I’m an economics and public policy guy.”

  Nesto shook his head, glancing over his shoulder, before leaning in close. “That’s the thing, he’s getting interested in the stuff you do. He read your dissertation paper on distributive justice and he’s been all over it. Also he’s obsessed with your Twitter game.” He shook his head with a baffled look on his face, like he was talking about a deep and dark world that he had no clue why anyone wanted any part of.

  “Ari’s deep into Black Twitter now, follows all the dudes you’re on there pontificating with. It doesn’t matter though.” He lifted a shoulder and smiled wide. “Whatever he ends up doing, I think it’ll be good for him to have someone he can talk about stuff with.” He flattened his lips, worry furrowing his brow. “He’s on his own out here. All his family is still in Congo, other than his uncle, who as far as I can tell is a raging homophobe. And that’s a problem, since Ari’s been making noise about coming out to him.”

  He looked toward the kitchen again. “No pressure man, of course.”

  I shook my head, already feeling really compelled to do this for Ari. He was such an impressive young man, and had overcome so much. He’d come to the States on his own as a refugee from Congo when he was a teen and ended up in an immigrant detention center for almost two years before they let him go without ever giving him a reason for why they detained him in the first place. I nodded at Nesto and lifted my hand toward where Ari was busy checking things off from a clipboard.

  “I would be happy to. I’m not sure how useful I’ll be, but I’m willing to give it a shot.”

  I noticed that Yin, who like Ari had been one of Nesto’s original employees, was standing a lot closer to Ari than a coworker would. Yin was petite, his delicate features serious as he worked with Ari, who towered over him. Ari was a lot taller and bulkier than Yin. His ebony skin a contrast to Yin’s milky complexion. Their bodies were comfortable next to each other though.

  Like lovers.

  Nesto must have been able to tell what I was thinking because he just glanced at them and shook his head with a fond smile on his face. After a moment he hollered for Ari. As soon as he was within reach Nesto slapped him on the back. Ari looked at Nesto like he was his hero.

  “Ari, come and talk to Patrice. He’s down with mentoring you.”

  The young man’s face lit up before looking even as he appeared a little embarrassed.

  “Boss man, I asked you not to say anything.”

  Nesto shook his head and laughed. “Why, man? How’s he going to know you want him to mentor you if we never say anything?”

  I intervened before Nesto embarrassed the kid any more. “I’d be honored to, Ari. I’m not sure how much I can actually mentor you on, you seem to have your shit more than together. But whatever you need, let me know.”

  “Thank you, Patrice. That would be great. I have a lot of questions.”

  I pointed at my jacket pocket, where my phone was. “Sure. I have to get going, but Nesto has my number. Send me a text and we can set up a time to talk. I’m interested in hearing your plans. Nesto said you’re taking classes at Cornell this semester. Good for you.”

  He nodded enthusiastically at that. “Yes, I’m only taking two of them, but it’s going well.”

  “Great.” I waved at Nesto, who had gone behind the counter again to do some work. “Catch you at home, Nes.” He muttered a “yes” with his eyes focused on the screen as he waved his hand over his head. I moved in to give Ari dap and then made my way out onto the street.

  I walked to my car feeling lighter than I’d been a half hour before, Nesto’s words about giving things with Easton a chance still floating in my head.

  Chapter Two

  Easton

  I tried not to stare too hard as I watched Patrice walk out of Nesto’s restaurant and get into a black SUV before driving up the hill to campus. He’d been wearing gray slacks and a navy jacket with some navy and gray oxfords. He even had a dark brown bowtie on. His locs in a half-knot. He looked dapper and professorial, and it suited him. As his car disappeared from my line of sight I thought about how there was something almost regal about the way Patrice carried himself. Like we were all supposed to bow when he walked by.

  “He certainly has your attention.” My boss Cindy’s voice ripped me out of my musings, the amused tone in her voice promising questions about my staring. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen that particular puppy face on you before. It takes a lot for me to notice a man, but even I have to admit, he’s gorgeous. Did you hit it and quit it or was he too smart to fall for your bullshit?”

  I rolled my eyes at Cindy because she thought she was hilarious. “First of all, please stop using expressions l
ike ‘hit and quit it.’ You’re my mom’s age and that just creeps me out. Second, I’m not talking about it.” I forced myself to make eye contact and smiled. Totally casual. “He’s a friend of Nesto’s. OuNYe’s owner.”

  Cindy threw up her arms while rolling her eyes at me. “Like I don’t know who Nesto is. He and Jude are the Gay Power Couple in town these days. I must say it’s nice to see that us old Ithaca gays will be passing the torch to such good young people. Present company excluded of course.”

  “I’m not good at being part of cabals. I tend to get twitchy.”

  She shook her head like I was hopeless, then pointed in the direction Patrice had driven off. “Don’t change the subject. What’s up with you and that beautiful man you were just staring at?”

  Cindy and I weren’t new at this game. I’d known her since she came to work for my father over twenty years ago. Teasing me about my love life was one of her favorite past times.

  I looked at her more closely and saw that she was wearing jeans and a flannel shirt, her usual “out in town” look, but she was carrying something that looked suspiciously like a laptop bag. I pointed at it with as disapproving a look as I could manage.

  “A better question, Cindy Brooks, is what are you doing here?”

  Cindy was probably my closest friend in Ithaca other than Priscilla, Nesto’s cousin. She was also my boss, and was supposed to be on leave recovering from major heart surgery right now. I shook my head thinking that her wife, also a dear friend, would not be happy to know I was letting Cindy sneak into the office.

  “Lorraine would skin me if she finds out you’re coming here to work when you should be at home resting.”