Bad Advice

by S M Mala

  ‘She’s gone into labour!’ said an excited Jacinta down the other end of the phone. ‘We were at lunch and laughing really hard, I thought she’d peed herself but her waters had broken. Frankly, it was rather disgusting and put me off my Caesar salad.’

  ‘Where is she now? What the fuck is going on?’ he said, running out of the building, feeling the warmth of the early May sunshine. ‘Is she okay? What about Theo and-.’

  ‘I called Hugh. He left work to pick him up after school and he’ll stay the night there. I also told Diane as I realised you’d want your parents to know.’

  ‘And you’re telling me now? What? Two hours later? You should have called me first!’ he said, getting into the waiting car, trying hard to unbutton his jacket but his hands were sweating and trembling. ‘You should have called the main number as well as the mobile.’

  ‘I didn’t have it but it’s okay, don’t panic. Ruby told me what to do and said to call you last because she expects she’ll be in labour for ages.’

  ‘Where is she?’

  ‘We’re at the hospital and she’s screaming very loudly. Oh and your Nana Gwen is there. She joined us for lunch. Might have had something to do with her going into labour. It was her that made Ruby laugh out loud.’

  ‘She’s supposed to be in Jamaica!’

  ‘Well, you should have seen what she was wearing. She really is a hoot and your grandmother is giving Ruby some support.’

  ‘Oh god! I’ll get there as quickly as I can.’

  They were going as fast as they could from the centre of London. All he kept thinking about was he would miss the baby being born or something awful might happen to Ruby.

  He wondered if it was down to the fact they made love the night before because she was feeling rampant. She’d certainly been on heat the more she progressed with the pregnancy. He smiled recalling how he had to manoeuvre her so he could take her from behind.

  Then it dawned on him once more, he was going to be a dad again and everything had changed ever since he first laid eyes on Ruby.

  Scottie smiled, forgetting about his panic.

  He was really happy for the first time in years.

  One hundred and forty three

  ‘You’re no help!’ groaned Ruby, unable to walk around due to the pain. ‘It’s your fault my waters broke!’

  ‘Don’t blame me! You’re the size of a baby elephant,’ smirked Nana Gwen, dressed in scrubs. ‘Look what they’ve made me wear.’

  ‘Better than that slutty little number you had on when you turned up and with your hair in braids,’ laughed out Ruby. ‘Oh it hurts.’

  ‘All the people are wearing it like this in Jamaica,’ she replied, revealing the strappy pink and green floral dress exposing her over tanned and wrinkly skin.

  ‘The ones under the age of twenty one.’

  ‘What’s been going on since I went away? Four weeks. Did you miss me?’

  ‘No!’ barked Ruby, feeling the pains start to increase.

  ‘I had a few spliffs, necked some rum and hung out with the locals.’

  ‘Where’s Scottie?’

  ‘Jacinta’s calling him and I didn’t even get to eat at lunch!’ huffed Nana Gwen, lying on the bed. ‘No wonder you want to walk about, these mattresses aren’t very comfy.’

  ‘Oh god, oh, god, oh god!’ shouted out Ruby as another contraction thumped through her body. ‘I can’t remember ever being in this much pain before.’

  ‘It’s natural. My two girls literally slipped out of my hole. A couple of pushes and out they shot,’ sighed Nana Gwen. ‘Thank goodness I can’t get pregnant now.’

  ‘Be a bloody miracle,’ mumbled Ruby.

  ‘Had a couple of stud muffins,’ she smirked. Ruby did a double take. ‘They couldn’t get enough of me.’

  ‘They must have been stoned,’ sighed Ruby, trying not to laugh. ‘You dirty little woman.’

  ‘They certainly weren’t little,’ laughed Nana Gwen, raising her eyebrows. ‘Young guys. About sixty.’

  Starting to giggle, Ruby was then taken by surprise when a contraction started.

  ‘I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I’m ready!’ she yelled out.

  ‘From the size of you, if you don’t get it out now, it’s going to rip through you like in the ‘Alien’. You know when John Hurt had it coming through his stomach and they obviously used spaghetti as part of the special effects.’

  ‘How’s it going?’ asked Jacinta, rushing back in with a bottle of water and some crisps. ‘I spoke to Scottie and he’s on his way.’

  ‘Oh god! He had a meeting today. Kept saying it was really important and-.’’

  Ruby braced herself against the wall as another contraction came.

  This time she couldn’t speak. It was too painful for her to utter anything.

  ‘Come and sit here,’ said Nana Gwen, getting off the bed and pulling her. ‘You can punch the mattress and pillow as stress relief. Where are all the nurses?’

  ‘I need drugs, get me some drugs,’ Ruby said flopping onto the bed.

  ‘Gas and air,’ said Nana Gwen, shoving it into her face then pulling it away quickly, taking a drag herself. ‘It’s not like the weed I had when I was away.’

  ‘Give me strength,’ groaned Ruby, taking the mask and breathing in.

  ‘Let’s take your mind off it,’ said Jacinta cheerfully, opening a packet of crisps. ‘Here.’

  Reaching over, she grabbed one then chewed slowly. Jacinta took a deep breath of the oxygen concoction to calm her nerves.

  ‘How are you going to take my mind off it?’ sighed Ruby, rubbing her stomach and just wanting the child to come out. ‘I’m having a baby!’

  ‘My great granddaughter!’ added Nana Gwen, taking the crisps out of Jacinta’s hand.

  ‘Should you be in here?’ asked Jacinta, screwing up her face, snatching the packet back. ‘I hear old people catch infections and die from coming into hospitals.’

  ‘I’m her relation. She’s Mrs Jonathan Scott.’

  ‘I’m Mrs Ruby Marquis-Scott, thanks very much and-.’ It happened again and the contractions were getting too close. ‘You need to call a nurse! I feel some slippage here.’

  ‘I’m going to be sick,’ said Jacinta, putting her hand over her mouth and running out.

  ‘No stomach for it, these woman,’ sighed Nana Gwen, grinning brightly at her. ‘Are you having a christening?’

  ‘You’re thinking about having a party while I’m in this state!’ she wailed. ‘I want Scottie. Where’s Scottie?’

  ‘You know, one of the old girls at the home has asked me to look into the whereabouts of her missing gentleman friend. I told her it would cost and she said she didn’t mind.’

  Ruby double blinked at the devious old woman and shook her head.

  ‘Scottie told you not to do anything to exploit people since the Annette piece. You promised him,’ she hissed. ‘You’re not a detective.’

  ‘And you promised him you wouldn’t be writing major exposes on anyone if it means you implicate the police but you’ve been doing it.’

  ‘I told you that in confidence!’

  ‘I know you’ve been doing stuff behind your husband’s back and selling it your ex.’

  ‘I-.’

  There was a massive contraction through her body and she broke out into a cold sweat.

  ‘Anyway, I know where her bloke has gone. He went off with one of the ladies he met on the day trip to Bruges and…’ Nana Gwen frowned for a moment. ‘Don’t worry, it wasn’t Annette Hector.’

  They looked at each other for a moment and Ruby regained her breath.

  ‘So much has happened since then,’ sighed Ruby, taking a sip of water. ‘This time, last year, I had no idea I’d be knocked up and married to Scottie.’

  ‘And in that order,’ laughed out Nana Gwen. ‘Do you want me to take a look down to see if you’re dilated?’

  ‘No!’ snapped Ruby, closing her thighs. ‘Have you heard from Annette?’


  ‘Have you?’

  ‘No.’

  Ruby had a funny feeling Nana Gwen knew something and wasn’t letting on about their runaway serial killer.

  ‘You know Mick Dawson has asked to get his sentence reduced?’ said Nana Gwen, getting comfy on a chair next to her.

  ‘Who told you that?’

  ‘I keep my ear to the ground.’

  ‘Tell me how you-.’

  This time Ruby just kicked the crap out of the end of the bed to alleviate her pain. It seemed to have gone on for ages. When she finished, she felt she’d run the marathon.

  The next thing she knew, Nana Gwen was wiping her forehead.

  ‘Diane told me, who else? Emailed me when I was away.’

  ‘I need Scottie.’

  ‘It’ll all be over soon,’ the old woman said, grinning. ‘And you know what else I heard?’

  ‘Where are you getting this information from?’ sighed Ruby, exhausted and she’d only been in labour for three of hours. ‘Because unless you’ve joined the police, which you can’t because you’re too old, then your grandson has been sharing information with you. He doesn’t tell me anything.’

  ‘That’s because you both decided to keep your business lives separate. Don’t you think that’s a little bit unfair?’

  ‘I would never betray his confidence and he didn’t want to stress me out while I’m like this,’ she said, pointing to her stomach.

  ‘Fat? Yes, I can understand that.’

  ‘I mean pregnant!’

  ‘Did you complete the selling of your step father’s property?’ sighed Nana Gwen, heading for the crisps and stuffing them into her mouth. ‘You must be minted now.’

  ‘We’re comfortable and Scottie wants to put an extension on the house so we might have to live in Barnes for a while.’

  ‘You’ll be closer to me!’ she said excitedly.

  ‘That’s not the intention and if he knows you’re here, he won’t be happy. Since your last flit, where no one knew where you were for twenty four hours, I thought you were under house arrest. How you managed to get Jack and Jean to pay for a holiday is beyond me.’

  ‘Told them it was delayed shock from being manipulated to entertain a serial killer. Then after your wedding with all that reggae, I thought it would be fun to hang out where Bob Marley was born and get stoned.’

  Ruby smiled at Nana Gwen.

  ‘You are a devious little-. Oh god! Excuse me!’

  Once again she kicked the shit out of the end of the bed. This time the contractions were getting stronger and too close together.

  ‘Grab my hand,’ Nana Gwen said and she did, squeezing hard. ‘Is that it? Is that as hard as you can go?’

  ‘I don’t want to break your fingers.’

  ‘Poor Scottie! I bet you giving him a hand job is like having it wrapped in cotton wool.’

  ‘Why you old-.’

  She couldn’t talk now as the pain was unbearable.

  ‘I’ll check for Scottie,’ Nana Gwen said and reached for her mobile. ‘Beam me up Scottie. No answer. Still must be on his way.’

  ‘No jokes, not now. I can’t take it,’ groaned Ruby into her pillow.

  ‘What are you going to name her? After your mother?’

  ‘I’m certainly not naming her Margaret,’ she replied, feeling sick.

  ‘I meant your step one.’

  It didn’t take even a second for Ruby to flash her a dirty look.

  ‘You’re not funny. How was I to know that all that crap about who Sidney was to me would come out,’ she groaned. ‘And of course, you know the cow wrote a book and it was published when you were away. Making money out of the shame of being sacked. I read it and it was a load of bollocks. And she certainly slated me.’

  ‘Plus she’s got a new job, you know. A board director for a large communications company, so she didn’t do too badly.’

  ‘Porn channel by any chance,’ sighed Ruby, then it was sudden, the pain in her body. ‘Gwen! Get help. I think the baby’s coming!’

  One hundred and forty four

  Sweat was pouring off his brow as he ran into the hospital and went straight to the maternity ward.

  He couldn’t think.

  Scottie couldn’t remember where to go.

  ‘I need to find Mrs Scott, Mrs Ruby Marquis-Scott,’ he said anxiously, again trying to undo the buttons of his jacket. ‘She’s-.’

  ‘Jonathan!’ he heard someone call out and it was his mother. ‘Sweetheart, we came as soon as we heard. Mainly to drag Nana Gwen away. I’m sure she’s probably just tanking herself up with gas and air.’

  ‘Do you know where she is?’ Scottie asked anxiously, seeing his father smile. ‘The baby’s early and-.’

  ‘And it’ll all be fine,’ Jack said calmly, putting a comforting arm on his shoulder. ‘What colour hair do you think this one will have?’

  ‘That’s the same thing Sebastian said. As long as they’re okay, that’s all I care about.’

  He fiddled with the buttons of his uniform. Jean then took his hands away and undid them then took his jacket off.

  ‘You’re going to have to put an overall or something before you go in. Jack, help your son to sort himself out and I’ll go and get some tea.’

  Quickly, they walked towards a nurse who handed him a set of scrubs to get changed into which he did in the corridor, attracting unwanted attention.

  ‘If I thought I was coming to a strip show, I’d have taken a ringside seat,’ he heard Jacinta say, rushing up to him. ‘Oh, hello Jack.’

  ‘See my son? Takes after me,’ Jack laughed, rubbing his rotund tummy.

  ‘Where is she?’ Scottie asked anxiously then they all froze.

  They heard a massive scream.

  ‘Sounds like Nana Gwen,’ sighed Jack, looking relieved. ‘She’s no good with blood, you know.’

  ‘That’s great!’ Scottie said, following the noise and realising they were down the end of the corridor.

  The door was flung open and Nana Gwen was being helped out by a male nurse.

  ‘She nearly broke my bloody hand!’ the old woman said. ‘Just because I told her women in paddy fields spit the babies out with less fuss, she nearly broke my arm. I know she wasn’t having a contraction.’

  ‘Let me take her,’ said Jack, shaking her head from side to side. ‘You’re too much trouble and who said you could go out after only flying back in today?’

  ‘Oh give me a break! Did you bring any wine?’

  Scottie ran into the room and stopped when he realised there were two people either side of her. Ruby was on her hands and knees

  ‘Keep on pushing,’ the woman said as Ruby let out a massive groan.

  ‘I can’t do it. I can’t!’ Ruby screamed out.

  ‘I’m here,’ he said, rushing up to her as she smiled from sheer relief.

  ‘I’m so sorry. I know it was an important meeting and-. No!’ she screamed out, pushing down and he saw her face scrunch up.

  ‘That’s good. I can see the baby’s head,’ the midwife said. ‘Not long to go.’

  ‘I blame the curry!’ Ruby shouted as he stroked her head. ‘And you being frisky!’

  ‘Me?’ he laughed and wiped her perspiring forehead. ‘Oh god Ruby, I love you.’

  ‘Oh my god!’ she said, and it looked like she was going to pass out.

  ‘One more push! You can do it,’ said the midwife.’

  ‘Come on Rubes, you can do it,’ he said. She grabbed his hand, looked into his eyes, pushing down and shouting out as many expletives as possible. Scottie started to laugh hard but knew it was down to nerves and excitement. ‘Excuse my wife! She’s a writer.’

  He bent down to take a look and saw their baby being delivered.

  Ruby looked up at him, smiling and also in shock.

  ‘It came out!’ she sighed. The midwife took the baby and it started to cry. ‘You cut the cord.’

  Scottie reached out, his hands shaking as the midwife instructed hi
m what to do, then looking at the baby covered in blood and goo being handed to Ruby.

  ‘Here’s your baby girl,’ the nurse said.

  Scottie wanted to cry as he saw the smile on Ruby’s face when she looked at the baby then up at him.

  ‘We have a daughter,’ she said, letting out a loud laugh, making the baby cry louder. ‘Oh my! She looks like Theo when he was born.’

  ‘A little girl,’ he said, kissing her forehead and smelling his wife’s familiar scent intermingled with sweat.

  Scottie felt like his chest was fit to burst looking into Ruby’s eyes.

  Then he glanced at the squashed up, very white, baby and smiled.

  ‘Black hair. She has jet black hair,’ he sighed. ‘Oh my god, we’ve produced something so beautiful.’

  ‘That’s thanks to you, poster boy.’

  They held each other, gazing at the child who eventually opened her eyes.

  ‘Scottie, she has your blue eyes!’ Ruby exclaimed then held her out towards him. ‘Hold your kid.’

  ‘Thank you,’ he said, staring to cry. ‘This is the most wonderful and beautiful thing in the world. I love you so much.’

  ‘Bloody romantic coppers.’

  One hundred and forty five

  She just watched him with the tiny baby in his arms and smiled. The pain she had gone through seemed irrelevant. Even she knew she was lucky as it was a short labour. Her placenta had been delivered and the baby had been checked out. Five stitches later and the discomfort was slowly subsiding.

  Their daughter was perfect.

  There was nothing to worry about other than the start of another adventure.

  Closing her eyes for a moment, this was the beginning of something new and wonderful for them. Their ready-made family consisted now of five children, two ex-girlfriends, one ex-wife, one ex-husband, one cousin, mother and father in law and the bonkers Nana Gwen. Plus the numerous relatives the Scott’s seemed to have.

  Her life of being let down and alone had completely changed.

  She was happy.

  And she’d fallen in love with a man who was good and kind.

  Even though he was a policeman.