Land Of Terran

by Sarah Noffke

  The group rode on, listening to Blisters practicing different tunes for the better part of an hour. “I’m considering going into entertainment at some point,” the runt unicorn informed everyone proudly. “Ever told me… Wait, is it okay to talk about the traitor, or should we pretend that he’s dead to us?”

  “We’re on a journey to apprehend the traitor,” Azure said.

  “And murder him,” Monet added from the front of the group.

  “Right, well, he told me about this contest show on Earth. It’s called ‘America’s Got Talent.’ He also said there was a similar dancing show called ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’ I, by the way, know I can dance. I’d love to go on one of those shows and strut my stuff. I’ve been working on a tap number at night, which the queen mother says is loud enough to wake the dead. I think that’s a good sign. I’m thinking of adding a juggling aspect to the act—”

  “Wa-wa-wait.” Azure cut Blisters off, throwing her chin over her shoulder. “How do you plan to juggle? You don’t have hands.”

  The unicorn laughed again. “You’re funny, Queen Azure. Isn’t she funny, Gillian?”

  “Hilarious,” Gillian said, his voice neutral as he tried to suppress his annoyance.

  As the gray waters of the Conca River came into view Monet sped up, veering his horse to the left to run alongside the banks.

  “Hey, hold up!” Azure yelled.

  “I wasn’t born this century, Queeny. I think I can cross the river on my own,” Monet called over his shoulder.

  Monet directed his horse to a spot where the current was slower. Azure kicked her heels into her horse, closing the distance between her and the bank faster. “Monet, I’m not kidding. I’ve learned a thing or two on these adventures outside Virgo.”

  She halted the horse and swung her leg down.

  “You just have to be in charge, don’t you?” Monet asked, playfulness in his voice.

  “I’m serious. The rivers and lakes outside Virgo aren’t like what we’re used to.” She knelt, eying the flowing water.

  “Okay, I’ll humor you. What’s so different here? You’ve never been to the Conca River before.” Monet dismounted and stared at Azure, hands on his hips.

  “Well, I can tell by that look in your beady green eyes that you don’t believe me, so why don’t you do the honors of calling the creatures I’ve made alliances with?” Azure asked, standing and waving at the river.

  “How do I do that?” Monet asked, one eyebrow arching.

  “Stick your finger in the river.”

  Blisters trotted over with Gillian on his back, both wearing curious expressions.

  “Just stick my precious finger into this mysterious river, huh?” Monet asked, shaking his head.

  “Well, you were about to ride your defenseless horse through it. I say you should be a man and find out what’s in this river,” Azure said.

  “Oh, fine.” Monet knelt and stuck his hand in the river, his gaze directed at Azure. “What do I do now?”

  She smiled. “You wait.”

  “For what?” he asked, looking strained from bending over awkwardly.

  Azure looked at Gillian. “Friend Gillian, what is Monet waiting for?” she asked the gnome.

  “He’ll know.”

  “I know how to kick your ass. This is ridic—” Monet jumped back, clutching his hand. “Motherfucker! Something bit me!”

  “Oh, yes, I figured as much,” Azure said, leaning down over the river.

  A moment later a head full of brown hair rose from the river, attached to a petulant mermaid. Her blue eyes narrowed as she wiped her mouth, spitting blood into the water. She continued to rise until her bare shoulders came into view, but under the surface the current from her tail moving could be seen. “Ugh, witches taste horrible,” the mermaid said, scooping water into her mouth and gargling.

  “What the hell is that? There are women in these rivers?” Monet staggered back, his expression mixed.

  “Not just women,” Azure said, cautioning him by moving her hand at her side. “Hello. I’m Queen Azure of Virgo, friend of Farrah and Tabby, the mermaids to the north.”

  The mermaid blinked at Azure, a clever expression on her face. “Are you the one who baited me with that wizard’s blood? I’ll have a stomachache now, you realize.” She pointed to Monet, who was clutching his hand to his chest.

  “He can probably give you something for the stomachache, if you give him something for your venom,” Azure said.

  “Venom? Are you fucking kidding me? You set me up! Very funny, Queen Jerk-face,” Monet said, sounding mostly amused.

  “It’s true, I did,” Azure agreed, her eyes on the mermaid in front of her. “Monet, do you have something in your potions kit for stomachaches?”

  “You know I do. I planned to spend most of this trip drunk, and to hell with my intolerance of dairy. Balls to the wall, I say,” Monet said, trotting over to his horse, where his saddlebag held different ingredients and potions.

  The mermaid eyed the young wizard and then Azure. “Okay, fine. I’ll make an exchange, but first I want to know why you tricked me.”

  “Because we didn’t want our horses bitten or eaten alive, for one,” Azure said, holding up a single finger. She added another to it. “Secondly, the other mermaids I’ve met have been a great help to me. I know you’re not the biggest danger when we’re crossing a body of water, but you’re the smartest. You know what we should be aware of when next to the river. We’re supposed to cross and travel south along the banks until we reach the mountains again.”

  The mermaid thought this over and then ducked her head under the water, her tail flicking to the surface and splashing them.

  “You made her leave. You’re so fucking offensive,” Monet said at her side, a vial in his hand. “If I die from this bite, you’ll pay in the next life.”

  “Unfortunately it isn’t fatal,” Azure said, her eyes still on the water in front of them.

  “That was a real mermaid! I can’t believe it. I always like to pretend I’m a merman when I take my baths. They’re so graceful. There was this one time when—”

  “Shush it for a moment.” Azure cut Blisters off, holding up her hand.

  “Are you sure you know what you’re doing, Queen Azure?” Gillian asked, still atop Blisters.

  “No. I haven’t known what I’ve been doing for quite some time. You all should have sensed that a while ago.” Azure pressed her hands to her lower back and stared at the river, which was shallow enough for her and Monet’s horse to cross, but much too deep for Blisters.

  Mossy water splashed up from the river to assault the group, then a mound of limp plant flew through the air and hit Monet squarely in the face.

  “What the fuck?” he exclaimed, his hands pulling the sopping stuff from his cheeks and mouth.

  The mermaid surfaced with a coy smile. “Oops. I must have misjudged my aim. There you go. That will keep you from hallucinating. Wrap that around the wound.”

  “Hallucinating?” Monet asked, his voice full of excitement. “That’s what mermaid venom does? Why the fuck would I want the antidote for that? Some pay extra to hallucinate.”

  Azure shook her head at him. “Hand over the vial, drug addict.”

  He slapped the vial into her palm, throwing the soggy plant to the ground.

  “Thank you for the antidote, even if my friend is a worthless idiot and doesn’t want to use it. Here you are…” Azure held out the vial to mermaid.

  “Breanna,” the mermaid finished her sentence. “And you’re welcome.” She happily took the vial and drank its contents. Now that bona fides had been established, the mermaid of the Conca River appeared easygoing, wearing a playful smile on her face. “You asked about the dangers in and around the river.”

  “Yes, can you tell us anything?” Azure asked, her tone greedy.

  “I can and will. There are many dangers around the Conca River, but none appear as such. This is a place of great mystery, and what you see isn�
��t always what it looks like,” Breanne said.

  “You’re telling me! Wow! The colors are so bright,” Monet said, his voice distant.

  Gillian shook his head at Monet. He’d dismounted and confiscated the river plant, making notes on his trusty pad.

  “What dangers should we be looking for?” Azure asked.

  “I can’t tell you specifically, because unfortunately they take unpredictable forms. Just note that things aren’t as they appear. And, you will do best if you all stick together. But the dangers you face near the river are not lethal,” the mermaid said, swimming backward, her turquoise tail propelling her.

  “Well, that’s a relief,” Azure said, smiling at Gillian.

  “The real danger, which will most likely destroy you, lies in the forest on the other side of the river,” the mermaid finished, a sly smile on her sharp mouth, her pointy teeth pronounced.

  “You so should have expected that bomb to be dropped,” Monet said with a laugh, his eyes wide as he stared at the darkening sky.

  “Yes, by now I really should have,” Azure said over her shoulder. “Can you tell us about the danger that could end us?”

  Breanna shook her head. “I’ve got myself to look out for, and can’t have those beasts fishing for me. However, I will tell you that staying close to the river is best. The monsters live deep in the woods, but the worst one can be found in the desert.”

  “But we have to venture into the forest and desert eventually.” Gillian was daring to argue with the mermaid.

  “Then delay your death as long as you can. That’s my best advice,” Breanne said and then twisted onto her stomach and glided through the water. She ducked down and slapped her tail on the surface.

  “What? No formal goodbye? How fucking rude!” Monet said, his hands on his hips.

  Azure spun to face Gillian. “We’ve got to cross the river before dark.”

  “Can we?” he asked, the question trailing away, his skeptical eyes on the bubbling river.

  “Of course,” she said, pulling her wand from her robe’s pocket. She flicked it at Gillian and then Blisters. The two levitated and floated over the rapids of the Conca River.

  “Wheeee!” Blisters said, kicking his legs in the air as he enjoyed the ride.

  “Stay still, would you?” Azure ordered, concentrating as she directed them down onto the bank on the other side. When Gillian and the unicorn were firmly on the far side, Azure mounted her horse, ready to cross.

  “Uhhhh… Queen Showoff, what’s that?” Monet asked, pointing at the woods on the other side of the river.

  Azure squinted, noticing a light flicker on in the darkness of the trees. “I’m not sure.”

  Gillian dismounted and turned to the forest. “There’s something twinkling just ahead.”

  “We’re coming over. Stay there,” Azure ordered, urging her horse forward.

  “I’ll just check it out,” Gillian said, heading into the darkness on the other side of the river.

  “No! Stay put,” Azure shouted, speeding her horse up but sensing that the mossy rocks underfoot were giving her steed trouble.

  “I’ll be fine,” Gillian said, waving her off. “It looks like the lights are just a few feet away. I’ll be right back.” The gnome disappeared into the forest.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The long grass obscured Gillian’s loafers, so he stepped carefully. The setting sun’s light couldn’t be seen in the dark forest. The curious illumination in the distance kept blinking and shifting. It wasn’t like anything the gnome had ever seen, but it was just a light. How could it seem so different? He strode forward, pushing back a leaf that was nearly as tall as him. The fiery light had moved. It was just a bit farther off now.

  “What is that?” he muttered to himself, blinking his eyes to keep them focused. The dark of the woods made it hard to see what was just in front of him.

  The light danced to the right, and he changed direction to follow. It slid to the left as he closed in, and he followed suit.

  “Tricky light!” Gillian spoke to himself again.

  As if in response, the light glowed brighter and receded farther into the forest. Gillian turned to the path he’d traveled on. It wasn’t really a path, but rather dense undergrowth he’d come through. Since he was a gnome it shouldn’t be difficult for him to find his way back out, but the lack of light would make it a bit more complex. Catching whatever was responsible for the illumination in the distance was his chief concern just now.

  Gillian turned, and to his surprise the light had multiplied. There were three and they were scattered. He set off for the one in the middle. He’d catch that one first, then the others.

  ***

  “What part of ‘stay put’ did Gillian not understand?” Azure asked, dismounting from her horse after they’d successfully crossed the river.

  “I understood and stayed here, but mostly because the dark woods are scary. I want to go back to the House of Enchanted, Queen Azure,” the unicorn said, visibly shaking.

  The darkness did make the surrounding forest appear rather ominous, and the mermaid’s warning hadn’t really helped soothe the cowardly unicorn.

  “We’re not going back. You’ll be fine, but first we need to find Gillian.” Azure squinted into the forest where the gnome had disappeared. She didn’t see any lights, not now.

  “I can help you,” a voice said in the distance.

  The three spun, spying a figure seated by the riverbank. She struck a match, casting her elegantly beautiful face in a warm glow, and lit a campfire beside her. She sat back and crossed her bare legs in front of her. The woman wore a red dress, which was short in the front and long in the back. Her long brown hair was wet, dripping water from her shoulders.

  “Yes, you can help us,” Monet said, stumbling forward, falling to one knee and extending a hand to the woman. “I’m Monet, the King of Virgo, and could use your assistance, fine maiden.”

  The woman batted her long eyelashes at Monet. “Call me ‘Yako,’ King Monet.” She extended her hand to him, her cheeks flushing.

  “First off, he’s not the King of Virgo. I’m Queen Azure. And second, what are you doing out here?” Azure swept her hand around at the river and forest.

  Yako pushed herself up to a standing position. The train of the dress touched the sandy ground and her boobs nearly spilled from the low neckline. “I think what you really want to ask is why am I out here dressed like this and dripping wet.”

  “The dripping wet thing is a bit curious.” Monet’s tongue was nearly hanging out of his mouth.

  “I actually don’t care,” Azure said, her eyes cautiously studying the woman.

  “I fell into the river and got lost from my party, just as you’ve lost your gnome friend,” Yako said, kneeling and pulling a bag of jelly beans from a sack that hadn’t been there a few moments before.

  “I brought jelly beans too!” Blisters yelled gleefully, frolicking in a circle while trying to reach the saddlebag on his back

  Azure held her hand down to quiet the unicorn. “You also brought matches, remember,” she said, her eyes resting on the box of matches next to the fire.

  “Oh, what a coincidence!” the unicorn said delightedly.

  “I don’t think it is.” Azure made Blisters freeze, and dug around in his saddlebags. “The bags are empty!”

  “Are you accusing me of stealing your supplies?” Yako asked, venom in her tone as she popped a jelly bean into her mouth. She licked her fingers, her full ruby lips sucking on the tips.

  “I believe I am.” Azure strode forward, protectively placing herself just in front of Monet.

  “I don’t think you look much like a queen,” Yako said, wagging a disapproving finger at her.

  “Who cares what you think? How did you steal Blisters’ supplies?” Azure asked, her fists by her side.

  “Now, now! If you want to wrestle to resolve this, I’d be happy to be the referee. There’s probably a nice pit of mud around here,” Mone
t said, keenly looking around to locate a place for the pair to fight.

  Azure shook her head. “You said that your party ran off the same way Gillian did. Explain.”

  “It’s the will-o-wisps. They’re in the forest. Little lights that attract a traveler’s attention. Some say they are lanterns held by pookas. Travelers charge after the light due to curiosity, but it keeps changing direction until they are off the path and lost.” Yako settled herself in front of the fire again, her legs in front of her and toes warming by the flames.

  “Why aren’t you going after your party?” Azure asked, her tone dripping with wariness.

  “And risk getting lost myself? No thanks! I’ll stay here and wait for them to return,” Yako said, crossing her arms over her chest, her cleavage growing deeper. She rubbed her skin as if she were suddenly cold.

  “Here, take my robes,” Monet offered, untying his mint-green robes and swinging them around the woman’s shoulders, where his hand lingered.

  She pressed her hand on his on her shoulder, her head tilted to the side. “You’re such a sweet man, King Monet.”

  Azure let out a frustrated sigh. “He’s not a king!”

  “I’ve got a bottle of wine that I brought for the trip. Would you like to share it with me?” Yako asked Monet as if she hadn’t heard Azure.

  “Hell, yes!” Monet agreed, settling down next to her. Yako pulled a bottle of red wine from the bag next to her, which somehow appeared larger than before.

  “I brought that exact same bottle,” Monet said, awe in his voice.

  “Such great taste you have,” Yako said, her tone innocent.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Azure shouted, spinning around. “Blisters, you might be the only sane one left.” She halted. Her eyes wide. “Blisters?”

  The little unicorn was gone.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “Monet, did you hear me?” Azure asked again.

  “Yes, you have to take a piss. I’ll be right here,” Monet said, his eyes trained on the blushing woman beside him.